by PlaguePJP
RETURN TO THE SCP-9595 DOCUMENT?
The following is a transcript of an O4 Council meeting regarding the ongoing SCP-9595 investigation. Present at the meeting were:
- Tilda Moose, Director of Site-19
- Paul Lague, Director of Site-322
- Daniel Asheworth, Director of Site-120
- Allan James McInnis, Director of Site-43
- Randall House, Director of Site-666
- Calvin Bold, Director of The Decommissioning Department
- Jean Karlyle Aktus, Director of Site-81
- Vincent Bohart, Director of Site-333
- Maria Jones, Director of Site-7
- Jerimiah Cimmerian, E5-1 of the Ethics Committee
TRANSCRIPT
«BEGIN LOG»
Asheworth: Pizza?
Lague: Yes. I just said that.
Asheworth: You called a meeting of the O4 Council to create a working definition of pizza?
Lague: This is important, Daniel.
Asheworth: I can't even imagine why you can't tell us what it's for then.
Moose: Classified.
Asheworth: How high.
Moose: Five.
Asheworth: Five? I can't even begin to—
Moose: No one's asking you to think. Leave it there.
Asheworth: Fine, whatever.
(Lague scans the room, dry-erase marker in hand.)
Lague: Uh— Maria, you're going to get this down, right?
Jones: Shut up, I'm typing.
(Jones stares ferociously at her terminal.)
Lague: Thanks. Allan, can you define a pizza for me, please?
McInnis: No.
Moose: Allan, define the goddamn pizza!
McInnis: I'm not engaging with this. I know what it's about, and I'm not doing it. It's not even real. Ridiculous.
Asheworth: Wait! Hold on.
(Asheworth stands, scanning the room.)
Asheworth: Who here has Level Five?
(All attendees raise their hands.)
Asheworth: What? What the fuck!? How am I still stuck at Four? Does everyone know what's going on?
Moose: Sit down, now.
(Asheworth complies, meekly.)
Moose: Paul, continue.
Lague: Jesus— fucking, Calvin, please engage with me. What's one hallmark of a pizza?
Bold: Disk of dough.
(Lague draws a pizza on the whiteboard.)
Lague: Perfect. Now, 'disk,' I would presume that square pizza is a pizza.
(Lague draws a square pizza.)
Bold: Presumably.
Lague: Good, good. I think the same could go for the various regional variants— deep dish, tomato pie, so on. Are flatbreads pizza?
(Director Aktus raises his hand.)
Lague: Jean.
Aktus: No.
Bold: No?
Aktus: I said no.
Bold: We just said that square pizza is a pizza.
Aktus: This is a flatbread.
Bold: It's a pizza!
Moose: Flatbread is pizza.
Aktus: Wouldn't it depend on intent?
Moose: Hm, in a sense. I'm not so sure anymore.
Bold: If someone served you a flatbread with tomato sauce, mozzarella, and basil and didn't tell you what it was, would you think it was a flatbread or a pizza?
Aktus: It doesn't matter what I think. It's what it is. I can say the sky is pink while it's actually blue.
Bold: That's nowhere even close to a good comparison.
Aktus: Flatbread is flatbread.
Bold: It's imitating a pizza!
Aktus: But it's not.
Lague: Alright! We'll put that in maybe. Anyone else? Randall?
House: Dessert pizza is pizza.
Asheworth: No sauce or cheese, though.
House: Intent supercedes ingredient, and I think we've quietly established that dough type and shape also play a part.
Asheworth: No, no, no, what—
Lague: Dessert pizza is pizza. I'd argue that it would have to include an ingredient specific to pizza, like the dough.
House: That's fine.
Lague: Calzone, what do we think there?
Moose: Not pizza.
Aktus: Nope.
House: Agreed.
Bold: Are we establishing that there needs to be a level of open-facedness to qualify? It has the hallmarks of pizza otherwise.
Lague: I think so.
Aktus: Okay then, what about the handwich?
House: What the fuck is a handwich?
Aktus: It's like a savory ice cream. Cone of dough filled with cheese and pizza sauce. It's a handwich.
House: That's pizza if it's pizza flavored.
Bold: Is it a sandwich or a pizza?
House: We're not defining sandwich, we're defining pizza.
Bold: It's open-faced?
Aktus: No. I think it's pizza.
Bold: And a fucking flatbread isn't?
Aktus: Right. That's a flatbread. Pizza handwich is pizza.
Lague: Good. Handwich is pizza as long as it has the hallmarks of pizza. Great. Uh… okay, I've been mulling this one over in my head for a while, and I'm split. Pizza bagels are pizza. It's a little pizza. I think we can all agree there.
(The rooms nods.)
Lague: Now, pizza rolls. Is that a pizza or a calzone?
House: That's a good one.
Lague: Vince? Get involved, I think you specifically can figure this one out, for some reason.
Bohart: Huh? I wasn't listening.
Lague: Pizza rolls.
Bohart: It has pizza intent.
Lague: They're not open-faced, though.
Bohart: Are you looking for debate or for someone to jerk you and your opinions off? It has pizza intent.
Lague: I'm trying to establish a consistent guideline. Calzone isn't pizza.
Bohart: Handwich is pizza when it's intended to be pizza. Pizza rolls are pizza because they're intended to be pizza.
Moose: He's right. Intent has to matter above all.
Bold: Second.
Aktus: Thirding.
House: Fourth.
Asheworth: Fifth.
Bohart: Sixth.
McInnis: I actually want to clarify something. Are pizza Hot Pockets pizza?
Bohart: Hm… no.
Moose: Wait, this logic doesn't follow.
Bohart: Yes, it does! Hot Pockets have Hot Pocket intent. Pizza rolls have pizza intent. It's basic math or whatever.
McInnis: Is there a difference if I put the pizza rolls in an oven versus a microwave?
Bohart: What? No.
McInnis: I'm just clarifying.
Lague: Pizza rolls are pizza. Pizza Hot Pockets are not pizza.
(Lague adds both to the 'Pizza' category.)
Asheworth: If I slice the edge of a calzone open, does it become a pizza handwich?
Aktus: What the fuck are you talking about?
Bold: It's still a calzone. Actually, I want to wrap back to this. If I intend to get a pizza and order a flatbread, does that make it pizza?
Aktus: If I intend to smack you in the nose and I don't, does that make me a nice guy?
Bohart: No to both.
Bold: Flatbread is pizza!
Aktus: Motherfucker, it's not a pizza.
Lague: Maria, you have these vectors, right?
Jones: Yep. I'm running it. Hold on. […] Okay. The AIC doesn't consider flatbread to be pizza.
Bold: You think I'm going to listen to what some clan—
(Cimmerian wakes up.)
Cimmerian: Did someone say flatbread?
Bold: Perfect. Jer, please, is flatbread a pizza?
Cimmerian: Not even close.
Bold: Whatever the fuck.
Lague: Alright! Enough on the flatbread. It's not pizza, sorry, Cal. We're not leaving without a final definition. Let's go. Maria?
Jones: Ready. Running it now. Ten seconds.
Bohart: Pizza-flavored goldfish crackers. Not pizza.
Lague: What? Obviously, they're not.
Bohart: I'm trying to be helpful.
Jones: Oh.
Lague: What?
Jones: Null error on the model.
Lague: What does that mean?
Jones: It can't reconcile "open-facedness" with "intent" if flatbread is excluded and handwich is included. You made a logical loop.
Bold: Because flatbread is pizza.
Aktus: It's not.
Moose: Pick a tiebreaker before I make a tiebreaker.
House: What about a box test? If it comes in a box and you take slices of it, then it's pizza.
Aktus: Pies come in boxes. Cakes too.
Bohart: Hot Pockets come in boxes.
Bold: You don't slice a Hot Pocket, Vince.
Bohart: You don't know what I do in my free time.
House: We could flip a coin.
McInnis: We are not flipping for ontology.
Jones: AIC proposes: "Pizza = open-faced + dough + pizza intent." Calzone fails "open-faced" test. Handwich fails "open-faced." Pizza roll… fails "open-faced."
Bohart: I'm overruling that.
Moose: On what grounds?
Bohart: Vibes.
Jones: The model doesn't have a "vibe" parameter.
Lague: Actually, can we add one?
Jones: I'm not adding "vibe" to an artificial intelligence model.
(Intercom chimes.)
PA: Delivery at Conference B for Paul, Pizza Meeting.
Lague: I didn't order anything.
Moose: I did. Field test.
(A D-class staffer wheels in four boxes, labeled "PIZZA," "FLATBREAD," "DESSERT PIZZA," and "HANDWICH," respectively)
House: Oh god, they put a cone in a box.
Moose: Thank you. Everyone hands off until we decide.
Bold: That flatbread is going to look identical to the pizza.
Aktus: If it looks like a duck—
Bold: Don’t say duck.
Lague: Maria, run the model live. We'll lift lids one by one.
Jones: Running.
(Lague opens "PIZZA." It’s a classic margherita pie.)
Jones: Confident "pizza." 0.98.
House: Clean.
(Lague opens "DESSERT PIZZA." It's a cookie disk with frosting and fruit.)
Jones: Hesitated and… "pizza." 0.61. Intent carried by labeling.
Aktus: Hm.
(Lague opens "HANDWICH." It's a dough cone filled with sauce and cheese.)
Jones: Model says… "pizza." 0.54. Penalized for the closed topology of the dough, rewarded for— who wrote "vibe" into the notes?
(Bohart slams his laptop shut.)
Bohart: Maybe it was meant to be.
(Lague opens "FLATBREAD." It's a rectangle with sauce, mozzarella, basil.)
Jones: Model throws the null again. It cannot call this "not pizza" without breaking the previous assignments.
Bold: Thank you.
Aktus: Objection.
Lague: Okay. New rule: if the topping layer is intended to be the final, 'public-facing surface,' or whatever, it's open-faced. Capiche?
House: What the hell is a private food surface?
Cimmerian: That's a calzone.
Moose: We're locking this. Maria?
Jones: Done. "Pizza is a form of sustenance consisting of dough whose intended public-facing surface bears toppings. It's normally sliced and served in a context with pizza intent. Closed forms fail unless the meeting chair says otherwise."
Bohart: "Unless Moose says so." Good clause.
Aktus: And flatbread?
Jones: If it's topped with pizza toppings and presented with pizza intent, it passes as a pizza. If it's presented as a flatbread, it fails.
Bold: So it’s pizza.
Aktus: Unless it says it isn’t.
Moose: Like half this room.
Asheworth: Does that mean I'm Level Five now?
Moose: No.
(Intercom chimes.)
PA: Please clear Conference B. O5 Council, emergency session on whether lasagna is pizza.
Moose: Oh, Christ. Meeting adjourned. Burn the minutes.
«END LOG»