Joke SCPs » Abraka David's Proposal
Item #: SCP-001-EX-J
Object Class: Explained
Special Containment Procedures: The Foundation is to dissolve after Abraka David finishes explaining his tricks.
Description: SCP-001-EX-J designates all things previously classified as anomalies.
On October 29, 2023, the illusionist Abraka David suddenly appeared before the O5 Council in a burst of multicolored smoke..This event was determined to be non-anomalous, as was the smoke. He revealed to them that all known “anomalies” were, in fact, merely an illusion, sleight-of-hand, or other clever trick of his own invention..This revelation prompted the O5 Council to immediately dissolve the Foundation. Following several minutes of hooting and applause, David declared that he was retiring.
Despite the magician’s oath to never reveal their secrets, David decided to finally explain how he fabricated the apparent existence of at least 9168 distinct anomalies, stating that it was "only fair," as the Foundation had been “such great sports about it."
Addendum 001-EX-J-1: Log of SCP-001-EX-J Explanations of Anomalies
Anomaly: SCP-173
Explanation: The object's exterior hid a performer within it who suffered from Crohn's disease and specialized in acting as a statue.
Anomaly: SCP-682
Explanation: SCP-682 was an elaborate animatronic. The hydrochloric acid tanks used in 682's containment chamber had hidden compartments which contained dyed lemonade. SCP-682's adaptations were done through hidden compartments in the primary chassis of the animatronic.
Notes: David verified that he had, in fact, killed most of SCP-682's victims himself.
Anomaly: SCP-3125
Explanation: David performed this magic trick by donating to Republican Super PACs and other political activities designed to encourage right-wing sentiment. All resulting violence was, in fact, perfectly normal for regular human beings.
Anomaly: SCP-7725
Explanation: The apparent elongation of body parts observed in SCP-7725-B instances was achieved via the use of funhouse mirrors and contortionists.
Anomaly: SCP-106
Explanation:
- The black sludge associated with SCP-106 was a topical formulation of morphine mixed with capsaicin and squid ink, thus simulating the feeling of skin being dissolved by acid for SCP-106's victims.
- SCP-106's ability to teleport was accomplished through the use of passageways behind fake walls and body doubles.
- The illusion of SCP-106 appearing from walls was accomplished by painting the walls with lemon juice and heating them when giving the impression that SCP-106 was going to appear.
Anomaly: SCP-4857
Explanation: David is a common link between the In-Group and the Out-Group, keeping them apart because he "didn't know if [his] two friend circles would be chill with each other."
Anomaly: SCP-5056
Explanation: David hired world-renowned award-winning actor Henry Cavill to dress up as SCP-5056-A and record several days' worth of insults and screaming. All mirrors in Site-43 had been replaced with live video feeds of the Site, visually resembling reflections, but programmed to display footage of SCP-5056-A whenever SCP-5056-B was present.
Anomaly: SCP-610
Explanation: The initial reporting researcher, Chris Neko, was backpacking through Europe and Asia in the early 1990s. From his extensive investigations into the Foundation, David recognized Neko as an SCP researcher and followed him. David then exposed the varicella zoster virus.The virus that causes chicken pox. to a small, rural community that Neko was heading towards and dosed Neko’s water with LSD. Unbeknownst to David, Neko had an undocumented extreme case of nosophobia; the stress, mixed with hallucinogens, caused a psychotic break. The community took Neko into their care until he recovered. On returning to duty, Neko reported the anomalous community as described in the official documentation. Neko’s reporting was so sincere that the Classification Committee took the report as viable and containment efforts begun immediately. David admitted to O5 Command that this one worked a lot better than he expected.
Notes: The image in the file was created by David experimenting with papier-mâché and photo-editing. Field logs SCP-610-L1 through L5 were created by Neko while still under the influence of the drugs and psychotic break. The original recordings do not exist.
Anomaly: SCP-999
Explanation: Large glob of honey and peanut butter mix. Staff claimed to find the object "wholesome" and "cute" because its file insisted upon it, and personnel interacting with it pretended to play along to avoid awkwardness.
Anomaly: SCP-6579-D
Explanation: David shot the subjects himself, with his 9mm pistol.
Anomaly: SCP-7179
Explanation: SCP-7179 does not exist. The location where all the events took place, and all the events that occurred during it, are simply a home video rendering created by David himself at his home.
Anomaly: SCP-4726
Explanation: SCP-4726 wore a fat suit. The fat suit was designed so that liquids placed in a belly compartment could be piped to the surface to mimic sweat.
Anomaly: SCP-4379
Explanation: The interior walls of the office were painted to depict an area of the Tatra Mountains; a performer was hidden behind a mirror inside. Anyone who entered would be knocked unconscious and transported to the actual Tatra Mountains. There, a matching performer would render unconscious anyone who stepped through a matching doorframe, and return them to Lunar Area-32.
Notes: The performer at Lunar Area-32 admitted that a member of D-Class personnel discovered the trick after three days, but agreed to keep the secret as long as they were allowed to replace the returning personnel's collected samples. The performer was not aware of what the samples were being replaced with.
Anomaly: SCP-055
Explanation: Gaslighting.
Anomaly: SCP-5320
Explanation: David stitched together a fake 100-meter-long snailfish that looped around itself and placed it atop a treadmill on the ocean floor. Clamps maintained Foundation drones in place while the treadmill spun the "body" of the anomaly around, creating the illusion that the drones were moving alongside an impossibly long fish.
Notes: David personally thanked Dr. Keul and all her staff for being a great audience.
Anomaly: SCP-6592
Explanation: "Richie Marks" was never a real person and never possessed thaumaturgical skills that granted him the ability to predict stock market changes. David stated that SCP-6592 was merely his former performance persona, a character created for the purposes of funding all of his tricks and campaigns.
Notes: When asked how he could effectively predict the New York Stock Exchange's buying and selling habits for such a prolonged period, David replied that he "just guessed," and that "there is no rule to it, just bullshit." Answer has been deemed fully consistent with non-anomalous stock market characteristics.
Anomaly: SCP-3309
Explanation: David is a frequent editor and moderator of the Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition Wiki, and a three-time Dungeon Master of homebrew TTRPG experiences with the graveyard shift employees at his local Denny's (located at 2701 Freeport Road, Pittsburgh, PA). He regularly exploits obscure Wikidot glitches to surreptitiously remove wiki pages that violate Wizards of the Coast content policy, citing Wizards' history of gratuitous litigation, and claiming "freaking newbies [sic] nearly got the site nuked."
When pressed as to the connection between neutralized anomalies and his illicit moderation skills, David produced a pained wheezing sound which elapsed several seconds and, in a low register, said, "Listen, man. I'm outerversal, okay?" before asking if he could be excused to "the little boys' room." This request was promptly denied. However, an empty bottle of Gatorade was produced.
Anomaly: SCP-3999
Explanation: Researcher James Talloran (a professional actor whose real name was Tanhony "James" O'Ran) was very elaborately dressed to appear as though he was dead. The chamber where SCP-3999 was supposedly kept was built in secret to appear as though an entity had breached it, and O'Ran was positioned at the bottom alongside the SCP-3999 documentation. A Foundation "clean-up crew" (yet another brilliant set of actors) dismantled the set shortly after its discovery, leaving the Foundation none the wiser.
Anomaly: SCP-6911
Explanation: David explained that he would release methane whenever personnel would approach Dr. Everwood's office, and used a silent vacuum to suck the gas out of the area whenever Everwood approached. David tracked Everwood's movements throughout Site-55 via spying on the Site's security camera system.
Anomaly: SCP-3809
Explanation: The satellite thought to be SCP-3809 turned out to be a manned vehicle piloted by one of David's assistants for a project that he "never got around to." Maggie was, in fact, David's own niece, who he described as a "little computer whiz" who targeted prominent conservative figures with prank calls, hacking, and slander because of her own political inclinations.
Notes: David was surprised that the Foundation had classified something that was not one of his own acts, and requested a printout of the SCP-3809 file so that he could show it to his niece.
Anomaly: SCP-6861
Explanation: Abraham Lincoln’s assassination took place not by a shot to the back of the head, as formerly thought, but by a complex mechanical contraption that led to a Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton falling from Ford's Theatre's ceiling and onto Abe Lincoln’s body. David was aware of this fact, as he was John Wilkes Booth.
Notes: Abraka David also was Charles J. Guiteau and Lee Harvey Oswald.
Anomaly: SCP-048
Explanation: David harbors a strong dislike for the number 48, and would immediately discontinue any illusions related to it; personnel frequently discovered David and/or his equipment while he was packing up, threatening the discovery of his other tricks. Other numbers containing the number 48 were fine.
Notes: When asked about the significance of the number 48, David alluded to a "Costa Rica incident in '69" which involved himself, an oak bookshelf, his former rival Alan Kazam, and 48 shaggy dogs.
Anomaly: SCP-527
Explanation: An actor wearing a fish mask.
Anomaly: SCP-3019
Explanation: After observing the dysfunctional, abusive work culture of ██████'s Nursery, David hired an "unscrupulous individual" dosed with copious amounts of anabolic steroids to dress in an elaborate costume and tend to the nursery at night.
Notes: When the hire encountered the nursery's business owner, they were driven into a rage and murdered the owner, covering up the crime by mulching the remains and using them as fertilizer. When asked about this, David simply replied that the guy shouldn't have provoked his new helper, but regretted that he didn't stop "mulching" people afterwards.
Anomaly: SCP-4003
Explanation: The objects found at the SCP-4003 dig site were part of an elaborate hoax and were planted there ahead of time by David.
Anomaly: SCP-028
Explanation: David had built a secret crawlspace under the floor of the storage yard, where he had access to comfortable seating and an internet connection. When a person would enter the area designated as SCP-028 — the center, which had air holes that allowed David to breathe and be heard — David would open a random Wikipedia page and whisper the entirety of its contents to that person.
During this process, discreet screens and strobe lights would disorient and confuse that person, preventing them from perceiving both the full length of time they spent in the yard and the source of their newly-gained knowledge.
Notes: David cites the multiple occasions on which he performed this trick as a source of inspiration for many of his subsequent creations.
Anomaly: SCP-4006
Explanation: David feigned an inability to hear what the Overseers were saying, repeating the word "HUH?" in increasing volumes whenever the American state of Massachusetts was mentioned or alluded to.
Anomaly: SCP-6987
Explanation: David produced documents verifying his creation of 14326987 ENTERPRISES, a "non-profit illusions supplier" he founded in 1966 to "keep up with" the scale of the Foundation's efforts. An unlikely chain of corporate bankruptcies and shotgun clauses resulted in 14326987 ENTERPRISES accidentally acquiring an acting agency which, itself, had just inherited its own law firm.
David seized this opportunity to invent Goldbaker-Reinz Ltd. (SCP-6987), a fictional insurance provider to the Foundation and several other Groups of Interest,.See "Log of SCP-001-EX-J Explanations of Groups of Interest". performed by 14326987 ENTERPRISES. David originally intended SCP-6987 to be "just another magic company prank," but quickly realized he could formally incorporate it. This allowed Goldbaker-Reinz Ltd. to take on various clients and provide them further illusions disguised as anomalous insurance policies.
Notes: David credited Goldbaker-Reinz's "insane" pricing models and premiums as primary financier of his illusionary career in deceiving the Foundation.
Anomaly: SCP-7992
Explanation: David mentioned how "Gorillas are just built like that."
Anomaly: SCP-001-CLEF
Explanation: CGI.
Notes: David shrugged as he said, "What do you want? You can do a lot with CGI these days.".CGI is a common misnomer for the wider range of special effects used by the Hollywood entertainment industry.
Anomaly: SCP-3700
Explanation: SCP-3700-1 was a larger-than-average European lobster, while SCP-3700-2 was an unusually small pelican eel. They both were made to seem many kilometers in lengths through forced camera perspective, fooling even Foundation members directly observing the two anomalies engaging in battle.
Notes: David was overheard mentioning how “people underestimate the power of tilt–shift at their peril.”
Anomaly: SCP-5243
Explanation: David described, at length, the aftermath of the last time he consumed a meal at Taco Bell, stating, "I don't know why I keep going back there."
Notes: Because of the lower-income, high-poverty status typical of Taco Bell clientele, and the extremely strange interactions that take place in and around its restaurants, protocol dictates their monitoring and regular patrol by Foundation Task Forces units disguised as local police officers. PANOPTICON archival footage placed David at his local Taco Bell (located at 2603 Freeport Road, Pittsburgh, PA) on the 8th of September every year since 2002. According to a computer algorithm attached to PANOPTICON, the recurring nature of this event is highly suspect. It was flagged for further study.
PANOPTICON subsystems procedurally generated (with accuracy in the 99.9th percentile) a recreation of his history of visits mapped onto a high-fidelity 3D dynamic model of the building. The output was based on David's body fat percentage and cholesterol levels, his general sanitation and cleanliness, habitual gluttony and binge-eating, propensity for consuming fast food, pre-existing chronic abdominal bloating, and long-term exposure to the experimental chemical cocktails present in Taco Bell menu options. The algorithm then assigned labels that associated slices of this output data that concern digestion with large-magnitude containment breaches, which strongly correlated with stochastic models of cataclysm-scale acroamatic abatement system failure at Site-43..Which is, in fact, only a fancy name for a sewage treatment plant. This is consistent with SCP-5243's file.
David was astounded by the number of coincidences that had to combine to produce this result, but claimed, "The rig I got in my garage totally could've done all that for you, you know."
Anomaly: SCP-INTEGER
Explanation: David demonstrated that the perceived phenomenon wherein history is rewritten such that the abstract concept SCP-INTEGER is only referred to using 'correct' terms which themselves are metonyms of 'incorrect' terms which have been rewritten is, in fact, an "epic branding tactic" for his "epic mad scientist self-insert," Dr. Placeholder McDoctorate, PhD., whose existence has only been attested in David's own fanfiction of the Foundation database. David is able to call SCP-INTEGER by anything he likes, as is anyone else, and only those persons either fictionalized or paid handsomely by David have claimed otherwise.
When Site-87's Pataphysics Department phoned the O5 Council in attempt to refute these claims, David went on to reveal that the Pataphysics Department, Site-87, and Sloth's Pit were also fictions of his own design, and that the employee on the phone was an automated messaging system crudely voiced by David himself. When O5-3 claimed to know this individual, David revealed that O5-3 had, in fact, been David in a costume. Several other Overseers attempted to refute this, and were similarly revealed to have also been David in costume.
This knock-on effect continued to ripple outward as David continued to explain, for several hours, that the entire Foundation and all its efforts had been a web fiction project David has managed for approximately fifteen years. David expressed that he felt "this had all gone a bit too far" and had purposely inserted himself into the narrative to rob it of all meaning.
When God asked David how he had usurped the power of Creation, David became panicked and quickly returned the Foundation to whatever form of conventional existence it previously held, restoring all SCPs to their true anomalous status. The O5 Council immediately revoked their motion to dissolve the Foundation, applauding David's wit and tactful use of self-referential metafiction. S. Andrew Swann is crying on a higher narrative layer.
Addendum 001-EX-J-2: Incident Log
Near the end of a long and exhausting day for all parties involved, the O5 Council asked David to recount his explanation for SCP-895, the last remaining unaccounted-for anomaly in the Foundation's Database. In response, David folded his arms and stated: "A wizard never reveals his secrets."
Upon being pressured to comply and confronted on the fact that this entire meeting was meant to serve as an explanation for all anomalies, David produced a purple-colored sphere from within his robes. He tossed the sphere to the ground, shouting "Smoke bomb!" as he did so. The sphere exploded and killed the entire O5 Council, himself, and all personnel present within Site-01.
Junior Researcher Robin Anders, who had been away from Site-01 on a coffee run and therefore safely outside the blast radius, survived the explosion. She has been promoted to the position of O5-1 as per Foundation succession protocol.