A Valentine's Day Spooktacular: Presented By Sam Hain

rating: +32+x


(Video shows close-up of a smiling jack-o'-lantern glowing a pink light in an otherwise dark room. Audio of a witch's cackle plays. The title "A VALENTINE'S DAY SPOOKTACULAR" fades over the jack-o'-lantern.)


Frame of video.

(Camera cuts to an open flower field. A pumpkin-headed entity (SCP-6750-1) walks in-frame with a bouquet of flowers and a shot-gun.)

SCP-6750: Guten tag, my fleshy friends! You may be asking yourself "Sammy, the hell are you doing in the middle of a field in February? Stick in your lane, freak." And I'd agree with you, wholeheartedly! However, the fucking ba- good friends, good friends at the Boogiemen Academy said "No no, Sam, you gotta branch out a little bit. See if there's anything besides Halloween and scaring kids you wanna do." And now look where I am. Look at it.

However, Sam's not one to mope around, oh no! I've got a surprise for you folks. Instead of the ways of fear, I'm teaching you the ways of love! Sweet, y'know? Before you know it, you'll be settled down with the person of your dreams in a old, decrepit house. Hooray!

(SCP-6750-1 holds up the bouquet.)

SCP-6750-1: You see this? This is what we in the love business call pathetic. All mundane! No oomph! Luckily, I know just the trick.

(SCP-6750 holds up his shot-gun, aims to the sky, and fires. A humanoid entity plummets beside it, resembling a nude human with an avian head, wings attached to the arms, and an udder in place of genitals.)

SCP-6750-1: They say love's in the air on Valentine's. This is true! Well, not true anymore for this guy but, uh, generally.

(SCP-6750-1 takes hold of a teat on the udder. The avian humanoid's eyes widen.)

SCP-6750-1: Only the freshest flowers come from lovebirds. That'll show your crush you really care about them. Remember, do it like you're yanking the chain on a lawnmower.

(The humanoid caws softly as SCP-6750-1 milks it. Flowers push from the teats, falling onto the ground below, along with a viscous pink substance.)

SCP-6750-1: Put these flowers in a nice vase for your crush. Bring them a box of chocolates as well, with something really cute on it. "We go together like Mark Antony and Cleopatra." Or "Johny and June." Or "Sammy and Jess." The classics! (Laughs)

The juice is non-toxic.

(SCP-6750-1 bundles the flowers and forces them down the avian's neck, causing it to gurgle and choke. SCP-6750-1 holds the avian's neck and walks off-screen. The humanoid jitters occasionally and caws softly. Its udders have shriveled.)


Frame of video.

(Camera shifts to a dimly-lit room, where SCP-6750-1 walks on-screen. A table center-frame holds a glass box, containing a skull with a floral-crown.)

SCP-6750-1: In Italy, lovers will give each other keys to signify "unlocking" someone's love. Real funny tradition.

(SCP-6750-1 pulls a skeleton key out of its mouth hole.)

SCP-6750-1: Italians, am I right?

(SCP-6750-1 smashes the key through the box and pulls out the skull.)

SCP-6750-1: This funny guy right here had to be the one to start Valentine's, when he gave out free chocolates to Christians past their bedtime. Eh, Valentine?

Skull: (Gyrating) ÚBI SUM? UBI EST PELLI MEA?

SCP-6750-1: Precisely correct, my compatriot. The traditions have evolved over time into more contemporary practices, like beekeeping, and epileptic seizures. Let's take a look at the former, shall we?


(A swarm of bees flies from SCP-6750-1's head to the skull, stinging its surface. Wart-like growths sprout across the skull. The skull screams.)

SCP-6750-1: Poor guy never had a leg to stand on. (Laughs)


SCP-6750-1: Listen, bud, just help me out here. I even got you a present! As patron saint of beekeepers, you'll appreciate this one.

(SCP-6750 repositions camera to face adjacent wall. A giant amalgam, composed of several live grizzly bears fused at various body parts, writhes and pulsates on the floor. The bears growl in distress and claw at themselves, ripping the main mass apart. A combination of intestines, honey, and wrapped candies flows out of the rips.)

(A baseball bat lays on the floor.)

SCP-6750-1: How would you rate this? Ten? Twelve? Be honest.

(A bloated nude man flows out from a tear in the amalgam's body. A message in marker over his chest reads "For Jess". SCP-6750-1 picks up the bat.)

SCP-6750-1: Oh, it's all wrong!

(SCP-6750-1 smashes the bat into the man's stomach, causing a chocolate mixture to burst out. The man claps and cheers.)

SCP-6750-1: They can keep the corpse. The teddy's still salvageable.

(SCP-6750-1 smashes the bat into its own head, allowing a huge swarm of bees to escape which fly into the honey. The amalgam claws and growls at the bees as they swarms the inside of its body. SCP-6750-1's hand still holds the skull.)



Frame of video.

(Camera shifts to SCP-6750-1 sitting at a table in an abandoned warehouse. It holds a rotary phone to the side of its head.)

SCP-6750-1: You promise? For real? (Pause) Holy shit, I-I have to thank you a ton. They'll love this. (Pause) Actually, uh, leave the explosive o-

(Phone disconnects. SCP-6750-1 faces camera.)

SCP-6750-1: Oh, seasons greetings, my lovers in want. I just got off the phone with a guy who knows a guy who can get me a real Love Clown! A Love Clown! I've only had experience with the underwater ones but they have contacts. Gosh, this'll be a hoot. (Turns left) Right, bonesy?

(Distant crying.)

SCP-6750-1: You know what's almost better than a Love Clown? A love poem! Let me consult my collection here.

(SCP-6750-1 pulls a wooden crate from underneath the table, labeled "HALLMARK CARDS". It opens the box, pulls out a severed human head, and slaps it. The head gasps for air.)

Head: And the Lord, our Father, did decree on that day the sanctimonious virtue of acid atta-

SCP-6750-1: No, no, no, wrong one!

(SCP-6750-1 pushes the head's eyes inward, causing it to blood profusely from the sockets. The head begins snoring. SCP-6750-1 takes another head and punches it.)

Head 2: And with mine heart that you desire own, then take my lights and pluck my fickle bones.

SCP-6750-1: Ah, here's the good stuff.

Head 2: This has been an Undead Books recording. For more recordings li-

SCP-6750-1: Urgh, not this, come on!

(SCP-6750-1 throws the head off-camera, a splatting noise emanating from afar.)

SCP-6750-1: Come on now, there's-… what's this?

(A beating human heart lies among the heads. Barbed wire surrounds it.)

Heart: A vile fluid reeks of pus-filled torment in fermented barrels of waste to vanquish again the cobbled towers twisti-

SCP-6750-1: This is perfect!

(SCP-6750-1 takes a stereo boombox from under the table.)

Heart: - extinguished putridly among dead seas and deader minds decomposing under willow tre-

(SCP-6750-1 forces the heart into the cassette player and closes it, causing it to rupture on the inside. The boombox shakes vigorously before spontaneously growing barbed tentacles, puncturing the sides of the boombox, bearing toothed mouths. They wrap around and start consuming the heads in the crate. All the heads activate simultaneously, creating a cacophony of voices, songs, and chants.)

SCP-6750-1: This is marvelous.

(Camera reactivates, SCP-6750-1 adjusting the framing. It aims the camera to the door of the prior warehouse, where a seemingly non-anomalous human wearing a leather jacket and jeans walks into frame.)

SCP-6750-1: Jess, Jess, over here!

Jess: Sam, is something wrong? You called me on su- What the hell?

SCP-6750-1: I hope you like it. I got a certified Love Clown to build it.

(SCP-6750-1 aims camera towards a massive structure within the warehouse. A row-boat floats in a pool of viscous pink liquid, rose petals littering the surface. The boat features five painted eyes and eleven painted smiles. It faces a semi-circular entrance, obscured by red curtains, leading to the rest of the structure. A sign points to the structure, reading "Funny Love Tunnel for Losers and Winners alike, huzzah!")

Jess: Sam.

SCP-6750-1: Yes?

(Jess turns to leave.)

SCP-6750-1: Jess, come on. At least take a ride.

Jess: You know I have fifteen spookiometry classes today? Not in the mood.

SCP-6750-1: Come on.

Jess: (Sighs) Fuck it, get it over with.

(SCP-6750-1 squeals with glee. It hops into the boat while Jess cautiously sits in the back. SCP-6750-1 begins rowing.)


Frame of video.

(Upon passing the curtains, the boat enters complete darkness. Liquid sloshes around them. A massive tongue erupts from the water and lifts the boat through the air, setting them down as lights shine on.)

(Chicago's "You're the Inspiration" starts blasting.)

(The entire tunnel consist of one giant tube, seemingly of human tissue. Several colored lights shine up and down the tunnel, illuminating several animatronic pairs. Animatronics consist of bare frames, with sliced faces glued onto their heads resembling American criminals Bonnie Elizabeth Parker and Clyde Chestnut Barrow. They softly hum to the music. Human hearts bearing fish tails and fins swim and jump through the pink liquid.)

(SCP-6750-1 grooves to the music as Jess sits unmoving.)

(Tunnel goes downward, the boat rushing alongside. Mobile teddy bears make puncture wounds in the tunnel's sides using a hammer and chisel, causing more pink liquid to stream in. Several of the before-seen avian humanoids drop down from above, suspended on strings, their udders connected to hand mechanisms. Flowers shower onto the pair in the boat. The tunnel drops down again.)

(The liquid splashes as the boat hits the bottom.)


(As SCP-6750-1 sings to the chorus, several individuals clumsily dance on stages flanking the tunnel's sides. They appear partially decomposed. Hot air balloons with heart designs rise from the water. Mini-fireworks detonate, combusting the hot air balloons and causing them to release several human brains. They land in the liquid, splashing onto Jess' jacket. A skull wearing a mitre floats while crying.)


(Music fades out as tunnel falls again. A massive board reads "Will BOO be my Valentine?" with an image of SCP-6750-1 and Jess in a heart-shape. A turret rapid-fires arrows from behind into the heart.)

SCP-6750-1: … Well? Would you be my valentine, Jess?

Jess: You really pulled this whole "expelled from school" BS to land it with me?

SCP-6750-1: Well, no, that did happen, but this also came up. So, uh…

(Silence for ten seconds.)

Jess: … Can I get back to you on that?

SCP-6750-1: … I… I, uh… sure?

Jess: Thanks.

(Jess leaves the tunnel through an exit labeled "Kooky Exit".)

SCP-6750-1: … THAT WASN'T A NO!

(SCP-6750-1 pumps its fist in the air. Freeze-frame.)

Post-Acquisition Log: Investigations into finding the location of the depicted tunnel and PoI-6750-2 ("Jess") are ongoing. The skull of St. Valentine still sits in the Basilica of Saint Mary in Cosmedin, but the protective glass has shattered.

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