The first time I saw a man die was when my father shot himself in the head.
The second was when I saw myself do the same.
-
ADULT CONTENT
This article contains adult content that may not be suitable for all readers.
Sexual References: Features sexual themes or language, without the depiction of sexual acts.
Sexually Explicit: Description of sexual acts.
Sexual Assault: Features non-consensual sexual acts.
Gore: Depiction of blood, gore or mutilation of body parts.
Child Abuse: Features severe mistreatment of children.
Self-Harm: Description of self-harm.
Suicide: Description of suicide.
Torture: Description of torture.
{$custom-content}If you are age 18 or above and wish to read such content, then you may click Continue to view said content.
-
Info
A Ghost In The Mechanism
Author:
demolitionderpy
This article contains references to and descriptions of suicide and sex.
The first time I saw a man die was when my father shot himself in the head.
The second was when I saw myself do the same.
That's all in the past now. New worlds have been born tenfold one over the other and now none of that old shit matters anymore. I thought I'd better get myself a new body for the new world but now I think I prefer my old one. Got less attention.
The first time I killed someone was when I absorbed my twin brother in the womb.
The second I don't remember. They all melt together at some point. The cold metal, the squeeze, the smell of smoke, blood. I'm sure you don't remember the second time you masturbated, for instance. Like I said, it all melts together.
I can remember my father watching these DVDs every night, compilations of UFO and alien sightings. I would sneak out of bed to secretly watch them through the rails of the stairs and they'd scare me to hell and back. One time, when my father was on a business trip and my mother was fast asleep, I snuck downstairs to watch one of the DVDs. I took a box from the bottom of the stack, one with a scary grey-skinned alien on the front, and popped the disc in the player. What played, unbeknownst to me, was a porno. It scared me more than any of Dad's alien movies ever could.
The moans of pleasure sounded like pain to my eight-year-old brain and I saw parts of the human body I'd never seen before — I thought I was witnessing some kind of illegal alien snuff film. I imagined the big-eyed monster on the front cover forcing the man and woman to mutilate each other using mind-control technology from behind the camera. For a year after that, I cried myself to sleep whenever I heard my parents having sex late at night. I thought an alien was making my Dad hurt my Mom because they found out he had all this secret footage of them. Obviously, I eventually realised I was wrong, and how much more disgusting the truth really was.
The first time I had sex I thought about my Dad. Not in a weird way, but I guess I thought he would be so ashamed of me. All the sweating and the slamming and the struggling felt so unchildlike. I also thought about when I was younger, and how my young self couldn't imagine doing that with anyone ever. I had changed so wildly, I thought of my child self as a completely different entity; this is also one of the reasons why I changed my name. The second time I had sex I didn't think about any of that shit at all.
After I started working, I found out that all the stuff my Dad was obsessed with was true. I would feel bad sometimes when I had certain assignments that reminded me of him. I like to think I would've purposefully botched the job a little, so that his death could become one of the mysteries he studied. Maybe I'll have a look around and try to find him, tell him all the things his little girl has done. I am one-thousand feet of glass and steel locked in a cage. A walking skyscraper. I don't know if there's anyone else here.
The first time I saw a man die was when my father shot himself in the head. I was nine-years-old, standing in the doorway of his bedroom. I caught him crying on the foot of the bed. He noticed me and turned, smiling weakly.
(I love you, baby.)
I love you too, daddy.
(Don't let them ever tell you that I didn't love you.)
Okay.
(You're going to be so much bigger than any of us.)
Why are you crying?
(No reason, baby. It's over and done with now.)
The first time I met an alien my body changed irreversibly.
I never met a second one.
