I breathe out as I wake up and look at my phone, rubbing my eyes and trying to make out what the time is.
06:20
My head lies down on the pillow again, and the phone lies on my chest as I try to get another minute of sleep, but it doesn't help. I feel the empty gaping hole in my chest and how my body aches. I look at the display again, waiting for the clock to strike.
06:25
My body slowly rises out of the sofa, groaning while I put my clothes on, and picking up my belongings that are always with me. The gaping hole in my chest is covered, and I breathe out. I feel a need to eat, but this meat sack of a body can barely drag itself up, so I sit there instead, just waiting.
06:30
I look over at the hall, thinking that I need to take care of myself in some way. My body drags itself up, slowly walking towards the bathroom and looking at myself in the mirror. My hair is a mess, I think to myself before I look down into the faucet. I look at my display and look at the time again, realizing that I don't have time to prepare and barely put on some deodorant. I go into the hall and put on my shoes, tying them together, even though they'll probably get untied later on. I put on my jacket and grab my bag and put it over my shoulder, waiting for the clock to strike.
06:35
As the clock strikes at that time, I take my leave, opening up the door that leads out of my apartment and wandering towards my bus stop, hoping that I'll reach it in time. I zip up my jacket, and my body shivers as the wind strikes me in the freezing cold and dark morning. The lamps looming over the streets light up everything around me and show me a clear path ahead.
06:40
The void and pain remain within my body with every step I take. The wind only intensifies the pain as it pierces my face. My body tries to sink into my jacket, but it doesn't help. The snow covers up my legs, and slosh is heard as my boots drag across the ground. The snow and slosh add weight to my steps, and I feel myself wandering slower.
06:45
I finally reach the stop and stand there looking over at the buildings standing to the opposite me. Some are dilapidated, some are not. It's an old town. Cars drive past me, and I look at the people within as they go past me. Most of them look indifferent, their faces giving off a sense of mundanity.
06:50
After a minute, the bus arrives, and I enter quickly, scanning my card by the entrance and looking around at all the occupied seats. An uncomfortable aura spreads around as I look around, hoping that I won't have to sit down next to someone. I walk past the halfway point and see that most of the seats are occupied. The ache deepens into me, as if it were a cut that would never vanish. I try to find a seat next to someone, but it feels as if everyone is the same, as if they were one person. I take a seat, and my body tenses up as I clench my legs together, trying not to be close to the other individual at all.
06:55
More people wander onboard, the thuds of their steps turning louder and louder as they walk past me trying to find seats of their own. I open up the bag and look into it. There's a book as well as a computer inside it. For a moment I consider picking up the book, but I don't, staring into the seat again. It's silent, for the moment.
07:00
Yet again, more people hop on, and my body feels as if it can't move, as if I was strapped to the chair. The only things that can move are my eyes, which are flicking from one spot to another. The heat from everyone can be felt as it crawls around on me, and I feel myself turn more and more uncomfortable. I try to breathe, but it feels more and more difficult, as if I were grasping upon the last pockets of air.
07:05
The inside of the bus feels as if it is crushing me and everyone else within the bus is adding onto it, every moment feeling tighter and tighter. My body clenches together more and more and more as if everything around me could kill me, that it WOULD kill me. Whispering, laughter, and talking are heard from around me, and I feel myself sitting completely still, trying to ignore it all, but it burrows into my head, and I can't ignore it, no matter how much I'd like to.
07:10
Only a bit more. That is what I think to myself. The chime of the bus is a dissonant sound, piercing into my head. It keeps on pounding, and I feel immense pain in my temples. It feels as if this trip has no end in sight, where every moment is stretching further and further. It's a personal hell.
07:15
A worried feeling strikes me as the crushing feelings strike me down. What if the person next to me is glancing over at me? What would they think of me? Would they think of me as a mess? They probably would. I look like a mess. I feel like a mess. Sometimes I wonder if people around me can see if something is wrong—see this gaping hole within me that grows and grows, vacuuming everything within me, turning me into a statue.
07:20
The engine rumbles and roars beneath. I feel a light headache striking me as all of the sounds gather together, turning into a nightmarish cacophony, never ending. My eyes try to flick over at the pair of eyes next to me, but I can't. I'm frozen, and there is nothing here that could thaw me out.
07:25
As the bus takes its swings and turns, the bus feels as if it's going to fall over. The wind is intensifying everything I have felt before. I wish that I just stayed home. I want to stop being tired. I want to stay home.
LET ME GO HOME
07:30
I hear the bus say the name of my stop. For a moment, it feels like respite, that this pain will be over. I look over at the clock within the bus. It says 07:34. The bus whirs as it makes its last turns, and it feels as if I'm thawing out. It feels as if I can finally move again. As it stops, everyone starts getting off, and I follow along. I feel myself lighten up and my body relaxes as I walk out. I take a moment to breathe, looking at the terminal. The hole is still in my chest, and it still aches. The pain remains, as it always has, but at least I can hope that it will get better.