A Bitch

A Bitch




Greetings KT_Elstrom
(Dr. Karen T. Elstrom, Chief, Administration and Oversight)

There are six (6) new casualty reports to complete:

Bolivar, Agent A. (M; civilian cover identity: CSIS Agent; status: KIA)
Cureton, Agent D. (M; civilian cover identity: CSIS Agent; status: KIA)
Dawson, Agent L. (M; civilian cover identity: CSIS Agent; status: KIA)
Ellison, Agent L. (F; civilian cover identity: RCMP Officer; status: KIA)
Shane, Agent R. (M; civilian cover identity: CSIS Agent; status: KIA)
Zabriskie, Agent P. (F; civilian cover identity: RCAF Officer; status: KIA)

Suggested format:


It is my duty to inform you that CASUALTY has been killed in action. The manner of PRONOUN death is classified, but details will be released to you upon request within a maximum of thirty (30) days.

[Please indicate the form in which you wish to receive their remains.]
[Due to the nature of their death, their remains will be cremated before release.]
[Due to the nature of their death, release of their remains will be impossible.]

If you have any further questions, please append them to your response.

CSIS General Enquiries Office

My lab assistant is late again. I want her fired.


Come on, Karen. You know I need my coffee delivered promptly or I'm liable to blow up. This matter requires immediate attention.

You really are a b

You really are bad at responding to your pager, Karen.

Hit "send" too soon.



Internee Profile

Name: Falkirk, Edwin Scott

Affiliation: SCP Foundation, Site-43 (former)

Summary: Dr. Edwin T. Falkirk was attacked by SCP-5056 — a sapient being inhabiting reflective materials — on the 14th of January, 2003. The attack was presumably precipitated by SCP-5056 identifying Dr. Falkirk as a threat to the object of its undivided attentions: one Philip E. Deering, Janitorial and Maintenance Technician. The means of attack was manifestation on the lens of the left eye. The precise psychological results of this manifestation remain unclear, but significant emotional trauma is indicated as Dr. Falkirk proceeded to manually remove the affected eye. SCP-5056 then manifested on his right eye; when prevented from removing it as well, Dr. Falkirk entered a psychotic state and then, within one hour, a comatose state. He has not recovered in the intervening eighteen years, requiring the following medical procedures: oesophageal tube (for nutrition), ileostomy (for defecation), antipsychotics (during bouts of violent, unconscious activity). Termination has been postponed due to his high security clearance level.

Therapeutic Assessment: Bradbury, Dr. Melissa

It's been a long road to recovery. Dr. Bradbury was one of the most promising young researchers at Site-43 in 2002, before SCP-5056 reacted to a period of sustained containment by manifesting on the lens of her eyeglasses, resulting in severe (if apparently indescribable) psychological torment. While remaining on the Site-43 duty roster and capable of light duty in the years that followed, it was not until late 2020 that she was able to confront her fears and return to the Site proper. She now serves in the (largely supervisory) role of Chair of Research and Experimentation, and resides in the dormitories with her partner Dr. Blank.

Dr. Bradbury and I have worked out a program of therapeutic interventions to help her continue to adjust:

  • reinforcement therapy (self-applied)
  • psychiatric counselling (three times weekly)
  • self-stimulatory behaviour (satin scarf)
  • enclothed cognition (tight, sturdy, warm clothing)
  • mindfulness-based cognitive therapy
  • control mastery therapy
  • relational life therapy

It is my professional opinion that Dr. Bradbury is more than capable of continuing to execute her duties, so long as the above measures remain effective. It is my further opinion that every measure must be taken to ensure that no member of staff is perceived as a threat by SCP-5056 — a threat to itself, or a threat to its subject of focus, Philip E. Deering. It would be inhumane to subject another living being to what Dr. Bradbury has already gone though.

— Dr. N. Ngo

Section: Research and Experimentation
Camera: Equipment Room 9
Present: Chief A. Torosyan (Janitorial and Maintenance), Technician P. Deering (JM64)

SCP-5056 is visible in one of its designated containment mirrors.

Chief Torosyan: [Laughing] Cut it out!

Deering: Cut what out?

Chief Torosyan: [Laughing] Cut it OUT!

Chief Torosyan and Technician Deering obstruct SCP-5056's view. SCP-5056 demanifests, then remanifests on a ceiling light fixture.

Chief Torosyan presses Technician Deering to the ground, then climbs on top of him. SCP-5056 demanifests, then remanifests on the mirror, then demanifests, then remanifests on Chief Torosyan's reflective nametag.

Chief Torosyan: Working hard?

Deering: Pretty hard.

Both laugh.

Section: Habitation and Sustenance
Camera: Dormitory, JM4414/JM64
Present: Chief A. Torosyan (Janitorial and Maintenance), Technician P. Deering (JM64)

Deering: She does know we're married, right?

Torosyan: Holy shit, what a bitch.


Hey, we're all getting together in my quarters at 0900 if you want to come over. We're going to have a few drinks and play UNO. None of us knows how to play UNO because none of us is twelve, so it should be fun.

I don't see why not.

This message has been deleted.

I don't see why not.

This message has been deleted.

I don't see why not.

Oh hey, didn't know you were awake already.
SMS seems to be on the fritz, deleted my message, but you already saw it so I won't retype. See you there!

Section: Habitation and Sustenance
Camera: Dormitory, D. Ibanez
Present: Chief D. Ibanez (Pursuit and Suppression)

Chief Ibanez is staring at her PDA.

Chief Ibanez: It'll be fine.

Chief Ibanez sighs.

Chief Ibanez: It'll be fine.

Hiring and Regulation Casual Channel

S_Knowles: Check it out. Just found this in the digitized files from A&R.

#attachment: k.jpg

L_Siskin: ha who is that

S_Knowles: Looks like Elstrom to me. Who else do you know with skintight vests and monogrammed coffee mugs?

V_Resnik: Monogram's wrong, though

O_Schovajsa: Why's her thumb so long

S_Knowles: I don't know. I didn't draw the thing

O_Schovajsa: Why'd you draw her thumb so long

L_Siskin: no way is that elstrom she doesn't know how to smile

L_Siskin: or express positivity

V_Resnik: Thumb looks alright to me. Arms both look a little off, though. In different ways

O_Schovajsa: Hair's wrong too. You got the hair wrong, Steve.

S_Knowles: I told you, I didn't draw this.

L_Siskin: it's creepy i don't like it it's not right

V_Resnik: "SCP-XXXX is 'Smiling Elstrom', an image which induces strong feelings of anxiety in personnel employed at Site-43."

O_Schovajsa: Why's there a "B" on her mug?

L_Siskin: make her stop smiling

H_Blank: This is inappropriate behaviour. Dr. Elstrom is a member of administrative staff at this facility. You should've reported the image to your supervisors, instead of engaging in this frankly childish behaviour. Consider yourselves on notice.

L_Siskin: shit it says dr. blank is typ

L_Siskin: shit

Section: Habitation and Sustenance
Camera: Dormitory, H. Blank
Present: Dr. H. Blank (Chair, Archives and Revision), Dr. M. Bradbury (Chair, Research and Experimentation)

Dr. Bradbury: Well, you tried.

Dr. Blank: And look where it got me.

Dr. Bradbury: Really sorry that notebook got scanned, though.

Dr. Blank: My fault. Should've looked through those old files more carefully. Kinda would've thought they'd seize on my Willie sketches, instead of this one.

Dr. Bradbury: Do you realize how that s—

Dr. Blank: Yes I realize how that sounds, now.

Dr. Bradbury: Anyway. She looks happy.

Dr. Blank: Yeah.

Dr. Bradbury: Did she ever look that happy?

Dr. Blank: I dunno. Maybe.

Dr. Bradbury: Still got that one you did of me?

Dr. Blank: Ha! 'One'.

Dr. Bradbury: What's the "B" stand for, anyway? Blank?

Dr. Blank: Hell no.

Dr. Bradbury: What, then?

Dr. Blank: Here's a hint: it's not a name.

Dr. Bradbury: …brofessional.

Dr. Blank: You guessed it!

Silence on recording.

Dr. Bradbury: So, you had mixed feelings huh.

Dr. Blank: Yeah, used to.


I didn't intend for it to go that far! It was a mistake on my part.

It was an ethics violation on your part.

Alright, Karen, rub it in why don't you.

What do you expect me to do?

I already told you. Don't make me ask again. Please.

You want me to transfer your lab partner, because you slept with her.

I want you to transfer my lab partner because I REGRET sleeping with her.

Why don't I transfer you instead?

Because I'm the project lead. I'm too important, and you know it.

Why don't you just tell her it's over?

Either you transfer her or I make an HR complaint. She doesn't need that on her file.

For fuck's sake Karen don't make me tell her

Because I won't

Section: Research and Experimentation
Camera: Dormitory, Senior Researcher Loring
Present: Senior Researcher Loring, Junior Researcher Teague

Teague: Why is she doing this?! What did I do?

Dr. Loring: It's not your fault. It's not anybody's fault.

Teague: I want to stay here! I want… with…

Dr. Loring: This is for the best. You'll love Antarctica!



Dr. Elstrom,

Your complaint has been received. An H&R representative will review your concerns within ten working days, and forward it to the Ethics Committee should forwarding be deemed necessary and/or appropriate. You will receive no further updates.


This user is no longer registered with the Site-43 messaging system.



Annual Promotions: 1 April 2021

Expected New Level 3 Staff: 9
Required Briefing Topics: SCP-1000, 110-Montauk (cover story)

Expected New Level 4 Staff: 3
Required Briefing Topics: 110-Montauk (actual), Bowe, Fae extermination, Red Right Hand, Swann's Proposal (partial), Mulhausen Incident, Pandora's Box, Scarlet King, SCP-2000 (provisional: check each case), SCP-5243 timelines (provisional: check each case)

Briefing Officer: Me, again, again



Dr. Elstrom,

This notice is to inform you that your immunological report has revealed an insoluble allergy to compound DZH-11, a basic component in amnestics of all classes presently in use by the SCP Foundation. Barring future scientific developments, it will not be possible to administer amnestics to you in the manner you describe.

Please contact the Psychology and Parapsychology Section for further treatment options.

— Helena Forsythe, Chair, Health and Pathology

Administration and Oversight Staffwork Channel

A_Torosyan: Karen, I've told you a dozen times, I don't want them using my techs to test new SCPs. It's dangerous, it's outside the bounds of their duties, and it's taking away manpower from critical systems.

KT_Elstrom: This is the Administration and Oversight staffwork channel, Chief Torosyan.

A_Torosyan: Good! Let's get some real work done here for a change. I want this resolved, right now.

KT_Elstrom: Your staff are technically proficient. They are well-equipped for these investigations.

A_Torosyan: They're not expendable! Sooner or later someone's going to get hurt, and I'm going to raise bloody hell if it's one of my people.

KT_Elstrom: This was an administrative decision, Chief Torosyan. It is not up for debate.

A_Torosyan: I'm calling a Chairs and Chiefs meeting to debate it. We'll see who takes whose side then. I know Kuroki and Ibanez think we're using guards and agents for this crap too much, too.

KT_Elstrom: I believe this conversation is best conducted in private. You have my email address, and you know where my office is.

A_Torosyan: I don't want to have it in private! Private conversations with you always end in nonsensical outcomes. This is a black-and-white decision, Karen. Make the right call next time.

A_Toroysan has been kicked by KT_Elstrom. Reason: Unprofessional workplace behaviour.

Notice of Summons

Dr. Elstrom,

This is a reminder that you are expected at Site-01 in five days' time for a private audience with the O5 Council. Site-43's continued refusal to house and employ D-class personnel on so-called humanitarian grounds is slated for annual review, and you will make a presentation on the cost/reward ratio of this atypical policy. We await your explanation of these "alternative investigation protocols" with great interest.

Should your arguments and evidence prove unpersuasive, you will be overruled and the D-class program reinstated at your Site.






Greetings KT_Elstrom
(Dr. Karen T. Elstrom, Chief, Administration and Oversight)

There are seventy-nine (79) new complaints to review:

1. Bremmel, Dr. T. (A&E): I'm well aware of local policy, but I've already explained why this project requires immediate access to the D-class pool and furthermore… [expand]

2. Polk, Dr. I. (R&E): A&O takes too long to approve new projects. I've outlined my autopsy/biopsy experiments in complete detail; just review them already, and rubber stamp… [expand]

3. Foster, Junior Researcher R. (R&E): I think I've been amnesticized without my consent.

4. Ibanez, Chief D. (P&S): After that last containment fiasco, my men need serious psychological counselling. They saw a teenaged boy melt for fuck's… [expand]

5. Vroom, Chief M. (I&T): I can't keep reading everyone's browser history. It's just too much. Officially recommending that duty be relegated to Administration and Oversight… [expand]

6. Zaman, Chief N. (H&R): A&O already handles all non-harassment complaints. Associating H&R with harassment reports is driving a wedge between us and the staff. I recommend… [expand]

7. Foster, Junior Researcher R. (R&E): I think I've been amnesticized without my consent.

8-79: Complaints regarding Dr. K.T. Elstrom, Chief, Administration and Oversight [expand]


Section: Administration and Oversight
Camera: Foyer 1
Present: Chief D. Ibanez (Pursuit and Suppression), Dr. L. Lillihammer (Chair, Memetics and Countermemetics)

Chief Ibanez: Karen? What about Karen?

Dr. Lillihammer: THIS ISN'T THE POINT! Karen's a bitch. But it's still not the point.

Chief Ibanez: Well, what is the point? What's so bad about a girls' night in?

Dr. Lillihammer: NOTHING! I just don't want to play motherfucking UNO with you!

Section: Habitation and Sustenance
Camera: Dormitory, D. Ibanez
Present: Chief D. Ibanez (Pursuit and Suppression)

Chief Ibanez receives a message on her PDA.

Ibanez: Oh, thank Christ.

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