(BONUS TALE FOR 8696)
2/9/2024 - Walker Talk
Käämioja leans on his upright walker and kicks it forward like a child on a scooter. Cattail sees him gliding across the hallway and stops to admire the man. Usually he’d discourage such tomfoolery, but his surprise overrides the urge to nag. He needs a few more looks to believe his own eyes. Poor K was bedridden only two nights ago, barely able to stomach his morning porridge, and now he’s bright and brisk again.
Cat: Oh wow, I'm glad to see you’re up and about! Looks like you've grown accustomed to the walker, K.
K: Oh yes, this thing is much more fun than I thought! Helpful too. Without it, it feels like I’m walking on tiny plastic buckets all the time. The kind kids use, the… the ones with strings!
Cattail nods slowly. He has no idea what the man is talking about, but would rather not dwell on the topic. All that matters is that he’s back to normal, babbling nonsense with that delightfully stupid accent. It’s a good sign.
Cat: Good, good. Move as much as you can, and remember: there's a good chance you'll regain some mobility once you've healed more. In that case, you may return the walker to Dr. Elm.
Käämioja turns his eyes to the mobility aid. It's shiny and pristine, clearly brand new. The sky blue metal matches his patient pajamas almost to a T.
K: Mmh… do I have to?
There’s a glint of wariness in his words that tugs at Cattail's heartstrings. Memories of K’s barren containment chamber weigh on his mind. He shakes his head.
Cat: No, of course not, it's yours to keep… You may also customize it as you please, as I'm sure you're thinking of doing.
Käämioja smiles. The excitement inspired by the sheer mention of a possible craft project is palpable within him. He sits down on his walker, resting his legs while he talks.
K: Yes yes, thank you! Some stickers could look nice, and a little pouch by the armrest to slip my phone in too.
Cat: I could arrange that. I assume you'll be making the pouch yourself, but what kinds of stickers would you like?
K: Nooo, I need to think about it longer. I’ll tell you once I’ve decided, gotten familiar with the thing…
Cattail watches whilst Käämioja strokes his walker as if it was a pet of some kind. All four of his arms caress and explore it, searching for spots to decorate. His hands look soft. At that moment, Cat realizes he should be working.
Cat: Ah, I’m getting distracted here. Well, I trust that Elm will take good care of you, K, though I'd like to know one more thing before I go.
K: Ask away, Ivan.
Cattail turns his attention to Käämioja’s legs. He’s wearing shorts, leaving the doctor’s meticulous work on full display. His knees are wrapped in white bandages, and though they bend and move with little ache, they’re visibly clumsier than before.
Cat: Can you get up on your own if you fall over? I'd hate to see you hurt… I mean, I need to ensure your locomotion is as safe and easy as possible.
Dr. K grins. He sees Cattail’s concern as an opportunity to impress him.
K: Oh I can locomote alright. The way I mote is loco!! Wait, I'll show.
Cat: What?
Käämioja lowers himself to the floor and lays down on his back as a confused Cattail watches over. He curls his legs up to his chest and spreads his arms underneath his body. This forms a strange four footed stance. K tilts his head back and starts moving, crawling across the floor like a tortoise. Cattail shudders.
Cat: WHAT?!
K: Haha! Creepy, yeah? I don’t even need my legs!
The sight is indeed creepy. Creepy enough to trigger Cattails fervent entomophobia.1 K’s upended silhouette brings to mind scurrying crickets and silverfish, his least favorite bugs.
Cat: That’s- Okay, yes, I see, great, I really must go now, goodbye.
He blurts out a nervous series of conversation concluders and continues strutting along the hallway, leaving K behind.
K: Hey! Oh, okay then.
Cat collects himself, straightening his coat as he goes. The gray hallways echo with every step as doors glide past him. Offices, the laboratory, the kitchen, they've all been in the exact same spots for as long as he can remember. Still, he's looking at it all from a new perspective.
Things will be a lot different from now on, and the stress caused by leading 8696’s research has already started waning. He’s still technically the boss, but just the thought of giving his position away makes his steps lighter.
He hears something small fall on the floor right behind him with a plasticky clatter. Is it his keycard again? He stops and looks over his shoulder.
Cat: AAH!! WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME??!!
K: I just wanted to show you how far I can go!
It’s Käämioja, still doing that creepy crawl.
27/10/2024 - 4eyes4arms
On his way to the kitchen, Cattail notices that the door to Dr. Käämioja's living quarters has been left wide open. He hears Elm's bright voice from within, chattering excitedly about something inaudible. It’s unusual, he’d usually spend his breaks somewhere more comfortable; as in, as far away from the containment cells as possible. Then again, Cat hasn’t seen K’s room in months.
He decides to take a look inside and finds both K and Elm sitting on a couch together. It’s not very large or fancy, but the blankets and pillows K has thrown on it make it look tremendously inviting. You could say it reflects the space around it as a whole: depressing on its own, salvaged by K’s touch.
Cat: Huh. I never thought this place could look so… homey.
Elm: Oh hi Cat! Come on in, K’s got good shit in here. We're gonna use his PS5.
Cattail notices the sleek new console standing beside Käämioja's television. It’s an impressive looking thing, futuristic even. His gaze lingers on it, its soft white shape is a lot different than he imagined. Elm senses his interest.
Elm: Wanna join? What's the last time you played a video game anyway?
Cat: Oh, long before you were born. My brother had one of those when I was younger, a PS2 I believe. I never thought K would be into this stuff.
K: What? I love games! Actually, it came in handy in my line of work too. Helps to have something in common with the kids, made them feel more comfortable.
Elm: Did you give them recommendations or something? Tell them about your favorites?
K: Hm, it was usually the opposite, actually. I’ll never forget this one little girl. I was treating a burn on her legs, and she talked to me about Undertale and Minecraft the whole time.
Cat: I’ve never heard of those in my life. I haven’t even held a controller in decades.
Cattail feels mixed about the words that just left his mouth. He’s not sure whether he came off as an uncultured old fart, or an adult man with adult hobbies. Judging by Elm's barely guised grin, the former is more likely. Käämioja points at the two controllers on the coffee table.
K: Go ahead! Take a look.
Cattail picks up one of them while Käämioja reaches to turn on the machine. It feels good in his hands, round with a nice heft to it. As the console boots, the profile selection appears on screen. The only user on the system is named "4eyes4arms" and has an icon depicting a smiling anthropomorphic drum. Käämioja becomes a bit tense.
Cat: … Seriously!? “Four eyes, four arms”?!
K blushes, adjusting his glasses nervously.
K: I- I thought it was cheeky! A little funny.
Cat: Suspicious is what it is.
Cattail huffs. Elm rolls his eyes. This conversation feels like something he’d explain to his dad.
Elm: It's fine Cat, no one takes usernames seriously!
Cat: Are you sure? We can’t be too careful.
Elm: Of course I am. Mine's PeePaladin.
Cattail takes a moment to process what he heard in baffled silence.
Cat: WHAT?!
Elm: Exactly!! Nobody online thinks I'm an actual holy knight. Therefore: no one's gonna think K actually has four arms either. Tadah, the veil is safe.
Cat: Uh huh… Well, I'll have to trust you on that one.
K: Hey, don’t fear Ivan. If you trusted Elmo with my life, so you can trust him with this too! Anyways…
Käämioja picks up something new and sets it down on the coffee table. It’s an odd drum-like contraption, which has the buttons of a standard controller at the bottom edge of a round white disc. Both Elm and Cat are thoroughly confused.
Elm: What’s this thing?
Käämioja looks at the men with a playful smirk.
K: Oh, you’ll see.
1/11/2024 - Olive Branch
Cattail peeks through the kitchen door and finds Käämioja hard at work. He's sitting on his walker in front of the counter, mixing a bowl of white sauce with his other arms and slicing potatoes into small cubes with the others. He’s really made a home for himself in this place. The lonely piece of ribbing Cat saw him knit just a few weeks ago has grown into a full sweater, four sleeves and all. The blue suits him well.
Ivan wishes he could stay like this for longer, to watch as K works in perfect harmony, but he has something else in mind right now. Something that will help move things forward. He approaches the man, careful to not startle him.
Cat: Herkku, do you have a moment to spare? Herkku?
It takes Käämioja a moment to realize what he’s trying to say.
K: … me?
Cat: Y-yeah nevermind, I'll just call you K. I asked Press to teach me how your name's pronounced. I probably fucked it up.
Käämioja giggles. He sets the knife and bowl down on the counter and leans back, turning the walker to face Cattail.
K: You did, just a bit. It’s Herkko.2 Anyway, what is it, Ivan?
Cattail straightens his back and clears his throat. He’s been practicing this moment in his mind countless times now, but getting it out of his system still feels like a challenge.
Cat: I want to apologize. I've been thinking about you a lot recently… the way I've treated you, I mean. I haven’t shown you the respect you deserve.
Käämioja’s eyebrows rise in cautious, pleasant surprise. Cattail still feels as nervous as ever.
Cat: You know, I thought we wouldn't get along when I first met you. You were coming and going, doing this and that, traveling the country chasing cryptids. We barely even spoke, but you still felt… unprofessional to me.
K: Why’s that?
Cat: It was just a dumb assumption. That disjointed style makes sense looking back. There aren’t many children around, so the pediatrician just so happened to have free hands.
Käämioja nods, reminiscing solemnly about his days as the go-to errand boy. Just thinking about work fills his mind with insecurity, fear even. His sick leave won’t last forever, and sooner or later he’ll have to make himself useful again.
K: Mmh, I understand. Though now that I can’t leave here, things should get more consistent… in theory.
Cattail senses it, the subtle tremble in his voice. He sets a hand down on the man's shoulder. The touch is reassuring, and K leans into his palm without even noticing.
Cat: You’ll be fine, K. I’ll make sure of that… where was I again?
K: You said I had free hands!
Cat: Oh, of course. Now, when we first contained you, you were so carefree about everything. It irritated me to no end and fueled that assumption I had of you. I overcompensated for the accident in the school cafeteria and overlooked my most important responsibility: I didn’t listen to you when I should have. I feel fucking awful about it, and that log you kept was the hardest blow to my conscience.
Mention of Cat reading his logbook evokes an awkward image in Käämioja’s head.
K: … did you read all of it?
Cat assesses the situation and decides to tell a white lie.
Cat: N-no, of course not. I skipped past anything too personal. But either way, K, I’m sorry for belittling you. The shit you went through was inhumane. You’re skilled, adaptable, resilient, social- it’s no wonder you were hired here! A lot of what I thought to be "professionalism" was just me being inconsiderate. I'm so sorry.
Cattail lowers his gaze and waits for a response, unsure of what to expect. His chest feels tight, the silence makes his ears ring. Did he say something wrong?
K: Wow.
Cat: … I- I understand if you don't forgive me-
The subconscious urge to chew on his knuckles arises within Cattail. As he lifts his hand, Käämioja grabs it, gently pulling the man's attention out of his own head.
K: No no! I do! I'm happy you said that. It was a surprise. A relief, really!
Cat: Oh. I'm glad. To be frank, I'm surprised too. If I were in your place I'd hold at least a little bit of a grudge.
K laughs, still holding his hand.
K: Oh I'm never angry at people for long. The more friends the better, the less enemies the better.
Cat: Good! That’s very good news… and speaking of good news, I have something else I need to tell you.
K: Did the DVDs come in the mail!?
Cat: What? No, something even better! I-
K: (Gasp) The collectors box?!
Cat: Herkko! Let me finish.
Käämioja covers his mouth. He waits for the surprise, flinging around guesses in his mind. If it's better than Dark Souls 3 collector's edition, it has to be good.
Cat: Herkko, how would you feel about leading the research team? For 8696 I mean.
Käämioja shoots up from his seat like an arrow. Cattail reaches his arms out instinctively, fearing that the man may fall over.
K: W-would that be possible? Really? Can I?!
Cat: I wouldn’t be offering it if it wasn’t possible! And it’s a damn miracle it is. Believe me, the higher-ups didn't like the idea of hiring you. They scraped up every excuse they could, but I prevailed. You won’t believe how many hoops I had to jump through…
K: Like an agility dog.
Cattail questions K’s words for a split second, then succumbs to them.
Cat: … yeah. Yeah, exactly. They made me work like a fucking dog just to prove the obvious! Like, apparently months of psychotherapy and medication wasn’t enough to guarantee your sanity, so I had to ask Elm for all your-
Käämioja pats Cat on the shoulder, mimicking his earlier act of kindness.
K: Shh, wind down now. You did it, that’s the most important thing. Thank you, Ivan!
Cat: And thank you for your forgiveness Herkko… Did I say it right?
K: Yeah! You said it right earlier too!
Cat: I DID!? Ah, whatever. I’m glad to be your friend.
K: … Can we seal the deal with a hug?
Cat: … is this our thing now? Fuck it, sure. Get over here.
K: Hehe!
