37 Rat Movies Starring Lana Neal
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rating: +24+x

Hold on, what is this…

"Jeremy Nine Eight Five, this is Vice President Kamala Harris. I will remove 50 million off the debt if you make Rat Movie 3." No way. Not fuckin' happenin. You couldn't pay me 10 millions dollars to make Rat Movie 3.

"10 million is less than 50 million." What comes after million? Trillion? Sounds right. 10 trillion. You couldn't pay me, fuckin', 500 bajillion.

"Compensating for a lack of creative power." Alright, alright, listen. I'll tell you why I won't make Rat Movie 3.

It's already been made.


Instance Date Summary Selected Transcript
SCP-1229-R-1 08/23/2015 Transmission depicts the white, polished interior of a flying saucer. Multiple sapient cats discuss plans to invade Earth with a purple robe-wearing, feline-headed humanoid (referred to as "Cosmic Priest Whiskerkins"). The cats and Whiskerkins appear to quarrel, particularly regarding the use of "cat rays" to destroy major capital cities across the globe. Meanwhile, several rats in an urban setting escape from a sewer grate and appear to consume one another, thus producing increasingly giant rats. In the middle of Whiskerkins' quarrel, the priest notices an Earth-sized rat consume the moon. <Cat> The cat police program failed! It was a travesty! Viscera everywhere! <Whiskerkins> And who is there to blame but you for that? <Cats> The rats. <Whiskerkins> The ra- <Rat> (Consumes moon) Guda.

Now the weirdest fucking thing is that one woman voiced all the characters.

"You fucking idiot, you also voiced all the characters." Not true! Not true. Ster voiced Dr. Digestion. This woman voiced all the characters. It was nuts! But, like, I wasn't gonna do anything originally. This guy sends me an impromptu email with a Rat Movie, whatever, y'know?

That wasn't the last of it.


Instance Date Summary Selected Transcript
SCP-1229-R-5 02/12/2016 A figure wearing a grey fleece and brown paper bag on their head ("Dick 'Dastardly' Richard") crawls from underneath an overturned car, emerging into a dusty urban scene. They traverse the city, vocalizing distress as they walk. They trip and, looking back, see a rat skittering away. Screaming, Richard chases the rat, bursting into a dilapidated building. The rat and Richard find a purple skinned, lab coat-wearing humanoid ("Dr. Digestion") watching a TV program. The program is unintelligible, the screen depicting psychedelic imagery and fractals. <Richard> Oh christ. <Digestion> I'm just watching my favorite movie. The Sequel: The Movie. <Rat> I thought you said it was "The Movie"? <Digestion> (sniffs) Things have changed.

I received, like, a dozen Rat Movies in a year. And I mean, it was cool at first, but after a while it's a bit obsessed, y'know? And attempting to message them didn't do anything. I tried blocking the email but they just made alts and used those. So, I decided "Fuck it! I'm talking to this guy in person." That was, uh, harder than I thought.

I found some info about the name of the woman sending me this videos. I won't share it here, obviously, but apparently she's kind of a… Like, a bigfoot of weird movie people. Just completely mysterious but always there, y'know. So I figured "Wow, this is weird. This is really weird. I should, uh, do something about this." But, y'know, the fuck am I gonna do?

So, while this guy's continuously sending me Rat Movies, I post on Twitter about the situation.

Big mistake.


Instance Date Summary Selected Transcript
SCP-1229-R-18 10/26/2016 A sapient popsicle stick (Nickelodeon mascot "Stick Stickly") floats above a plane of sand, occasionally mumbling "simmerdown" to themselves. This continues for 5 minutes until Stickly approaches a slow-moving caravan. At the front, a knight in golden armor ("Gerrard") carries a black box inside a wagon behind him. The camera abruptly transitions outward as Stickly and Gerrard converse. A giant rat emerges from the sky and plunges into the dune, consuming the caravan whole. <Gerrard> Inside is the Treasure Chest of the Mayan Temple. I protect it valiantly. <Stickly> … When's the last time you've seen it? <Gerrard> Seen it? I can't dream of taking the treasure out of its chest! Blasphemy! <Stickly> Simmerdown, big knight, simmerdown. <Gerrard> Those rodents will take the treasure over my dead body.

And I swear, I swear to you, I don't remember a single thing I did from that week. Nothing. I'm not a psycho! I'm not! I don't remember, legitimately. I can't… you can't understand how it feels to not remember something like that until it happens to you. It's messed up.

"Zonked streamer can't remember who he talked to for a whole week." Listen, put yourself in my shoes. You tweet about these weird videos flooding your inbox and the next thing you know it's a week later.

Whatever the hell happened, it didn't stop the flow of Rat Movies.

Call it paranoia or whatever, I fucking lost it. I decided "You know what? I'm making Rat Movie 3! Yeah! Maybe that'll fix all my problems." Last ditch resort, y'know? I actually wrote the thing out, downloaded 3D Movie Maker again in god knows how long, and started assembling the scenes. Swear to god, after a week or so of grinding at this Rat Movie, I legitimately had a decent first draft. Not, like, good, probably, but decent!

And I swear, I was about to click upload and let that thing render on my channel, probably the last video on my channel ever… when I received one last email.


Instance Date Summary Selected Transcript
SCP-1229-R-37 12/31/2017 Ms. Neal sits in a dilapidated apartment. Rats scurry around the wooden floorboards. The chair Ms. Neal sits on has been chewed at the corners. A boombox in the corner of the room plays the Rats Birthday Mixtape from Rat Movie 2: The Movie on repeat, though an old blanket on top the boombox muffles the sound. Ms. Neal speaks directly to the camera, elaborating on muroid and feline biology, though her account contains numerous inaccuracies. At the end, she hears a knock from afar, causing her to jump slightly. She apologizes to the viewer and smiles before the video ends. <Neal> The rat, of course, cannot make use of its third heart like the octopus, but the cat makes do just fine with half. In fact, evolutionary biologists suggest the rat may have possessed tentacles not dissimilar to- (knocking noise) … Sorry, please forgive me. It's my birthday today.

… how fucked up is that? So, uh, yeah, that's why I'm never making Rat Movie 3. It's already been made and, as far as I'm concerned? It's exactly where it needs to be.

Wait, hold on a sec.

"Hey Jerma, we at Spicy Crust Pizzeria really love your streams! We could give you a shout-out any time!" Hahahahaha. Jesus Christ.

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