Funny Clown Show, Episode 37
rating: +11+x


EMPLOYED AS: Level 3 Researcher, General Research Department (Memetics) and Level 2 IT Employee
NATURE OF REPORT: Disciplinary
HANDLING LIAISON(S): E. Kursh (Site-37 HR, report compiled by), S. Li (Site-37 HR), N. Anastasia (Site-37 Director)

On the morning of April 1st, the staff of Site-37 woke up to find that every screen in the entire building had been replaced with an image of a clown and the text "GET RED E TO GET SILL E!!!". These screens also involved 2 Panasonic microwave units which had been unknowingly smuggled into the Site, obviously affected by SCP-7119. While this is already disturbing enough, the image displayed memetic properties which caused intense hysteria among personnel who viewed it. Hysteria which included laughter, screaming, "terror unlike anything [he'd] seen before" (Dr. Aldrich), running around and an obscene level of expletives being written on the walls. I've even had reports that multiple objects were set on fire, which would explain the scorch marks all over the walls in the cafeteria.

The memetic-resistant members of personnel managed to fight through the droves of manic employees to discover Dr. Thomas and Harley Su inside the central IT office, who themselves were laughing, and exclaimed (I quote), "April Fools!" After coercion (gunpoint) from Agent Malley, the two disconnected from the screens and immediately began "begging for mercy". I have yet to confirm with Malley the exact words of the following exchange between him and the two personnel, but he single-handedly dragged Su and Thomas to the front door of the HR office and demanded "some kind retribution". I will have a conversation with him about appropriately handling situations like these in the future.

As consequence for this disastrous and irresponsible act, I am requesting:

  • Temporary (1-month) transfer of both personnel involved to the Janitorial Department.
  • A 25% pay cut for the duration of that 1-month period.
  • A complete revoking of screen rights for the duration of that 1-month period.
  • A formal apology to Junior Researcher Nial for the distress caused by the 2 approaching microwaves.

Signing Parties:

E. Kursh APPROVED — this kind of behavior can't be allowed here.
S. Li DENIED — I know you're both going to vote against me here, but it was pretty funny
N. Anastasia APPROVED — I dread this day every year and goddamn it I thought we were doing good

With the approval of majority authorities within the disciplinary case, EDWARD L. THOMAS and ADONIS FISK will be henceforth subject to the punishments outlined in the report.

Solving your Complaints and Problems

Dr. Thomas closed the HR report that had been forwarded to him. He let out a deep exhale, and flopped back onto the semi-comfortable mattress in his dormitory. Both him and Adonis knew this would happen, but figured the comedy of frantic coworkers could not be passed up on and hoped HR would have a sense of humor for once. He closed his eyes, picturing the gross bins of gray water and fraying mops he would have to be familiar with for the next month. He could practically smell the mold in the janitor's-worst-nightmare of a basement that Site-37 contained. Thomas sighed again.

"Fuck you, Ethel."

A notification popped up on his SCiPNET phone.

Fuck you too.
Ethel Kursh (HR Deputy Chief)

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