One Thousand & One Worlds In Love Again
/*
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    [2020 Wikidot Theme]
    By EstrellaYoshte
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        Anderson Robotics Theme by Croquembouche
        Minimal Theme by stormbreath
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rating: +27+x

Love always spills from our eyes, falling together terribly, fading unto thin air so all that's left is us

typed text

It is almost 1 am. My love is sleeping beside me, resting on my chest. Headlights from trucks rumbling by shine gaps in the curtains, illuminating our shape under blankets. Our fan whines above us. Our cat, asleep on and nuzzling with a big teddy bear. Our family.

I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.



back of a receipt

Date ideas

Lighthouse

Poured concrete museum

wonderland



text message outgoing

Tell your mom I said hi if there’s an appropriate moment



piece of clean white paper

Where I may prop one day

That field outside our first apartment

If we happen to be on vacation somewhere nice

backdoor soho too expensive?

The Ring!

Floral with Emerald to look like the first ring I gave her

Make sure that Emerald green as fuck

Get that first ring jazzed up?

Real simple silver band

a Diamond! too bloody



text note

stop saying I need you and start saying I choose you



posty note

Lightbulb

Flowers

Clean dormitory supply

Empty litter box + clean Big Bear



work text note app

work scribblers

Recognize but don’t actually resemble irl counterparts except to how much the subject projects

Discussion abruptly tabled after an hour with no resolution

Prepare for home before work ends

prototype for Amnestics batch wearing off too quickly after it happens

All reflecting surfaces need polishing

Somehow tied to her DNA kit — family reunion ?



forearm tattoo

love
always



diary entry

Day began and ended holding a crying woman



iPhone note app

- [ ] I’m laying in bed pleasantly drunk with a warm honey under my arm happy with her new blanket and she seems so at peace holding old Big Bear I wish this was eternity or at least a little bit forever I hope so I love her with my whole heart really don’t just use words she’s my everything and I wanna be a good person for her sometimes she forgives me when I can't



flowery to-do list

New table and chairs
Flowers and candles
Dinner ready
Deep clean Sunday before getting her from offsite
Fresh popcorn
flowers & candles



written

There should not be a limit on how many chances any person has to get their life on track if they’re not too sick to live.



clean white paper

Things I like about myself:

  • Let go of old toys to pay adult bills
  • Took responsibility for mistakes instead of reflexively lying
  • Helped myself through bad work(?) feelings

Things I dislike about myself:

  • Drank too much again(did better but still not good)
  • Talked too much about things I don’t understand
  • forgot too much of everything -

Things I want to do:

  • Be financially organized, she doesn’t have to keep paying
  • Cut my alcohol intake to maybe one or two beers in a week or red wine with dinner
  • Eat vegetable



incoming text

Don’t pretend you don’t know what we’re talking about, we both know who you are. You’re a thief and it was my mother that caught you.



crumpled paper

I feel emotions in a bigger way than other people and it’s invalidating for me every time I get told I have to calm down or that I’m making a big deal out of nothing and I feel like you don’t believe my feelings were real when I don’t have an adequate explanation for my reaction. I get treated like I did something wrong or should have been better when I couldn’t have been any other way. When I get treated like a foolish little girl for being my authentic self it hurts my estimation of myself as a person.

When I make a mistake and in response the other person immediately shuts down and/or becomes angry and bitter then I feel invalidated. The silent treatment hurts even more so. I want to know why I did wrong. It’s not on purpose. I want to do the right thing and sometimes big feelings lead to big mistakes. All I ask is that communication and empathy not be withdrawn in a seemingly punitive fashion when I do. Blaming and shaming me for things, even things that are my fault, is counter-productive. I know I’m at fault and feel overwhelming anxiety at the prospect of future punishment. Making that point acute is basically saying that I need to go sit in the corner so the actual adults can handle it.

Repeatedly reminding me of my inadequacy and all the things I’ve failed to do in the past makes it more difficult for me to do things in the future. When you repeatedly point out how I’m failing at the things I’m trying to do and how hard that makes your life, that undermines my confidence. I am really suffering from mental illness which is just as debilitating and just as exhausting as yours. Diminishing my struggle is diminishing yours too. We can understand each other if we accept that each is struggling as much as the other.



note to self

Should I be with the family?

Do they still call me that?



scrawl on crumpled paper

Hospital Supplies
Big Bear got thrown out
Polaroids of Kitty
bottled drink
Favorite blanket
Change of clothes



texted

I remember what I didn't sense
No smiling in pictures of us together
never looked in the eye
Hearing "I love you" in her voice, like her teeth was getting pulled on every syllable.



typed

Does she know
at night, in the silhouetted light of blinds
Marvelous sight, outline of perfection
Endless reflections filling a bottomless hole

Does she know
How her soft breathing keeps me sane
When troubled thoughts consume my brain
Her unconscious touch simmers my boiling mind

If only I'd known
What I know now sooner
No lonely nights where we lay waned lunar
blissfully ignorant together again
to move what is to what could have been










You'll always have the memories



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