While we cannot expect your call to be answered, we also cannot guarantee it will not be answered.
Date: February 19th, 2006
Origin: TMO Flagged Call Archives
S.C.P. Operator: Welcome to the Supernatural Classification Phoneline. Please note that this line is now defunct, and while we cannot expect your call to be answered, we also cannot guarantee it will not be answered. If you understand and accept these risks, please press one.
(Two beeps.)
S.C.P. Operator: Thank you for your eager response, however please do note while speed of dialing may come in handy, pressing a key more than once in quick succession is unlikely to help. Before connecting you with an affiliate of the foundation we must ask a few questions to judge the nature of the Supernatural Phenomenon, or indeed Phenomena, you have experienced or are experiencing, so we may connect you with the relevant department.
If this is a past experience that you are just now reporting, please press one. If you are currently-
(Beep.)
S.C.P. Operator: While we understand time may be of the essence, please do wait until an option is fully read out before choosing it. The option you have selected is "Currently experiencing but not under threat from the Phenomenon". If this is correct please press one. If not, please press two to go back.
(Beep.)
S.C.P. Operator: Before connecting you with an affiliate of the foundation we must ask a few questions to judge the nature of the Supernatural Phenomenon, or indeed Phenomena, you have experienced or are experiencing, so we may connect you with the relevant department.
If this is a past experience that you are just now reporting, please press one. If you are currently experiencing but not under threat from the Phenomenon, please press two. If you are currently experiencing and under threat from the Phenomenon, please press three. If you are experiencing mutiple Phenomena, please select the most urgent option applicable to any of the Phenomena.
Please note you do not have to listen to all options to select an option.
(Beep.)
S.C.P. Operator: Thank you. You have selected "Currently experiencing and under threat from the Phenomenon". We will now attempt to help you describe the Phenomenon. If the Phenomenon is related to an object or a group of objects, please press one. If-
(Beep.)
S.C.P. Operator: Thank you. Please describe the object or objects in a concise manner using the phone speaker.
(Heavy breathing.)
S.C.P. Operator: We understand in these situations it is often not optimal to speak, as many Phenomena can react to noise in undesirable ways. However, we encourage you to try, no matter how quiet it may be, as our state-of-the-art telecommunications equipment will likely pick it up anyways.
Caller: [Unintelligble]
S.C.P. Operator: Sorry, I didn't quite get that.
Caller: Monster television.
S.C.P. Operator: Thank you. Out of the following options, which best describes the Phenomenon: If the Phenomenon is a television-like creature which nonetheless doesn't resemble an existing model of television, please press one. If the Phenomenon is an amalgamation of multiple televisions, please press two. If the Phenomenon is a single television which has sprouted monstrous attributes, please press three. If-
(Beep.)
S.C.P. Operator: Thank you. Please note pressing the key more forcefully does not speed up the classification process, and in fact may damage the telecommunications device as well as distressing neighbouring telecommunications devices. Out of the following options, which best descibes the monstrous attributes gained by the Phenomenon: Press one for teeth, press two for limbs, press three for eyes, press four for teeth and limbs-
(Beep.)
S.C.P. Operator: Thank you. Please describe the animal that the Phenomenon resembles most.
Sorry, I didn't quite hear that.
Sorry, I didn't quite hear that.
(Beep.)
S.C.P. Operator: Sorry, we are not taking texts at this time. We plan to implement a text service in Spring 2001.
(Pause.)
Caller: Inse-
SCP-Operator: Thank you.
(A loud crash.)
SCP-Operator: We have triangulated your phone signal and arrived at your location. Please make yourself visible. Please make yourself visible. We advise you—make yourself visible.
(A loud crash.)
SCP-Operator: It is unlikely that—anyone—will be able to reach you. It is advised you choose a manner of death suitable for—the Phenomenon. If possible, please attempt to appease the Phenomenon to prevent further loss of—[unintelligible]—for the Phenomenon.
(A loud crash.)
SCP-Operator: Please say anything to continue.
Caller: [Expletive redacted]
SCP-Operator: Thank you. Please hold.
(Repeated crashes while the song Rupert Holmes' "Escape (The Piña Colada Song)" plays)
SCP-Operator: Sorry we could not find what you are looking for. Please press one if-
(Two beeps.)
SCP-Operator: Pressing a key more than once in quick succession is unlikely to help.
(Five beeps.)
(Static noises.)
SCP-Operator: Pressing-
(Twelve consecutive beeps, overlaid with louder static and more loud crashing.)
SCP-Operator: Press-
(Eighty-four consecutive beeps, screeching static and sounds of a large struggle)
(Panting.)
TMO Operator: Hi there, we noticed some unusual activity on your line. While it seems you are no longer under threat, it would still help us greatly if we were able to classify it. Would you mind remaining on the line for-
(Beep.)