The Australian Church Of Australia Manifesto
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rating: +16+x

The cloaked figures stopped to drink under the oppressive sun. The flat and treeless outback didn't give shade to anyone who wasn't willing to lay down and curl up around the base of a small bush. Even then, the hooded man with a snake bite under his robe could tell you why that isn't the best idea. But what the desert lacked in comfort it made up for in secrecy. When nobody is around for miles, any building can be a secret base. Even a gothic church.

The church was a skyscraper among the short shrubs and general flatness of the desert. Its roof bloomed with satellite dishes, various transmitters, and a frisbee that had gotten stuck up there a few weeks ago (thanks Brother Elijah). Black wires snaked down from the roof, entering the church through its shattered glass windows. Inside was the Brothers' masterwork: one microphone, one camera, and a computer that could transmit to anywhere in Australia sat on a single pulpit. It could also run Minecraft pretty well even if you used a lot of mods and fancy shaders on, but that was slightly less impressive. Slightly.

Brother Scott made his way to the pulpit, kicking aside a dual DVD case for Kangaroo Jack (2003) and Kangaroo Jack: G'Day U.S.A.! It's funny how irrelevant those movies were. He thought to himself. I don't see any reason why they would suddenly become relevant to my life.

Brother Elijah scrambled over to grab the DVD case before it could be damaged any further. As he picked it up off the ground, his hand slipped and the case got stuck on the roof with the frisbee (thanks Brother Elijah).

Brother Dennis checked the equipment. "All clear Brother Scott."

"Why did our mother have so many children?" Half-Brother Clyde asked. "And why were all her children boys?"

"No time for silly questions Half-Brother." Brother Scott said as he turned on the computer at the pulpit, "We have The Australian Church of Australia Manifesto (2021) to deliver."

Every screen in Australia, from televisions to heart rate monitors, showed the same shadowy face hidden under a maroon robe. "How would you describe Australia to someone?" The man began, "What does this country mean to you?" The man muttered something about getting to the point as the country watched him rifle through a stack of notecards. The man cleared his throat.

"The Australian populous can be cast as three classes: a ruling class (government officials), a production class (producers of public goods such as roads), and a consumption class (taxpayers). There is obviously overlap between all of these—"

The church doors broke off their hinges with a mighty CRACK as splinters showered Brother Elijah and subsequently ended up on the roof. Silhouetted by the oppressive sun1 was a kangaroo with a hoodie and a pair of shades.

"Kangaroo Jack from Kangaroo Jack (2003) and Kangaroo Jack: G'Day U.S.A.! (2004)?!" Brother Scott caught his glasses as they nearly fell off of his face. "But— How did you find our secret hideout?!"

Kangaroo Jack said nothing, for he doesn't actually speak in the films. Mr. Jack instead spoke with actions, chiefly sending Brother Scott sprawling on the floor with a single kick. The kick had lowered Brother Scott's hood, revealing the identity of the mastermind behind the manifesto. It was Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison!

"Scott Morrison! It was you the whole time?" Half-Brother Clyde said. Clyde and Scott didn't grow up together, so it's understandable that he wouldn't have known.

"Yes, it was your very own prime minister who wrote the manifesto!" Scott said as got up off the ground.

"But why Scott! Why would you write a manifesto denouncing the government!"

"Don't you get it!" Scott Morrison began, "I hate being a prime minister! Everyone's always watching me, criticizing every move I make! I can't go on vacation to Hawaii without people getting mad! I'm always watching my back in case some wannabe Egg Boy is sneaking up on me with a box of double yolks! I walk around on the street and people point and say 'haha bald.'2 I'm not even bald!"

Kangaroo Jack responded with a second swift kick. And as Morrison flew through the air, his dazed mind thought it could hear Kangaroo Jack… rapping?

Object class safe cause I don’t do crime
And the beast in the night will roll in the slime
A pious pit in a vile bath
And I kick politics down a drooling path

And there are known knowns and there are unknown knowns
And there are unknown flows and unknowns at my show
Some of them are in the audience right now!
We got a lotta fuckin Daeva in this here crowd!…

Maybe he should have just resigned.

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