Stray Katz (part 1)
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Archived email message

Sent: 2018-04-09 08:33 GMT
From: gro.noitadnuofpcs|ztaks#gro.noitadnuofpcs|ztaks
To: gro.noitadnuofpcs|puorgtnemniatnoc9974#gro.noitadnuofpcs|puorgtnemniatnoc9974
Re: Interview

Team-

I need to set up an interview time with SCP-4799-1 tomorrow (Wednesday) afternoon. Preferably after 14:30- got a lunch meeting that might run long. Please have Charlotte reserve an interview room and send me an invite.

Not room 8-B, unless they've gotten rid of that smell.

Best, Shel

SHELDON M. KATZ, ESQ. LEGAL DEPARTMENT gro.noitadnuofpcs|ztaks#gro.noitadnuofpcs|ztaks
office: ███.███.████ fax: ███.███.████ cell: ███.███.████

Confidentiality Statement: This electronic message contains information from the SCP FOUNDATION LEGAL DEPARTMENT, and may be confidential or privileged. The information is intended to be for the use of the individual or entity named above. If you are not the intended recipient, be aware that any disclosure, copying, distribution or use of the contents of this message is prohibited. If you have received this electronic message in error, please notify the sender immediately by reply e-mail or telephone ███.███.████, whereupon the SCP FOUNDATION LEGAL DEPARTMENT shall use appropriate means, including but not limited to the administration of amnestics, to cure any unauthorized disclosure of confidential or privileged information. Pseudo-subliminal hypnotic anchor series follows: BOXCAR TENNESSEE FORTY-FOUR BARAKAH VOLTA SUGGESTION.

IRS Circular 230 Notice: We are required to advise you no person or entity may use any tax advice in this communication or any attachment to (i) avoid any penalty under federal tax law or (ii) promote, market or recommend any purchase, investment or other action.


Interview Log:

Location: Site 46
Date: 5 September 2018
Interviewer: Sheldon Katz, Esq. (Sr. Counsel)
Subject: SCP-4799-1

[BEGIN LOG]

Katz: [aside] Is this window one-way or two-way?

Technician: One-way right now. Touch the green button to switch to two-way if you want to. No, the other green button.

Katz: Is the AV set up? Can it, uh, hear me? I usually have them activate the comm link before I come in, so I don’t have to screw around with… [inaudible]

SCP-4799-1: You guys need a moment? I’m not going anywhere.

Katz: [inaudible] Uh, no. We’re good. Can you see me?

SCP-4799-1: No. You have me looking at the reflective side of a one-way mirror.

Katz: [clicking sound] That better?

SCP-4799-1: Well, I can see you now, but I wouldn’t call that an improvement. I mean, look at you. Have you been sleeping in that suit for the last week?

Katz: [long pause]. I’m Sheldon Katz. I’m an attorney. I’m, uh, looking at the parameters of your containment at this facility.

SCP-4799-1: My lawyer, huh? Glad that Tort1 came through, but from the looks of it he must have seen your ad on the side of a bus shelter somewhere. When do I get out?

Katz: Sooner than you might expect. That collar you’re wearing. Is that a dog thing?2

SCP-4799-1: Fuck you, you fat sloppy bigot.

Katz: Serious question. The, um, file doesn’t say. What does the collar signify?

SCP-4799-1: It’s not mine. It’s a GOC kill collar. My guys disabled it but I couldn’t get it off before the Foundation caught me.

Katz: Um, okay. Hold on, just making a note.

SCP-4799-1: Don’t I get a phone call or something?

Katz: That’s not how this works. So, um, three days before the Foundation had bagged and tagged you, your crew busted you out of GOC Area-22?

SCP-4799-1: Yeah.

Katz: And how did the GOC manage to catch you in the first place?

SCP-4799-1: They fucking cheated. Some kind of knock-out gas while we were in Cupertino.

Katz: And when your crew broke you out, did you also recover all of your personal effects?

SCP-4799-1: No, they took my transformer and I didn’t get it back… but… I can probably make another one. What's atomic number 43 on the periodic table in this universe?

Katz This transformer you're referring to. Look at the screen on the left. No, my left, your right. Are you referring to the object in the photograph?

SCP-4799-1: Yeah, that's my rig. By the way, isn’t this the universe where they’re supposed to read me my rights or something?

Katz: [Aside, to technician] We’re done here. How do you turn this off?

SCP-4799-1: Are you listening to me? Do I get to post bail or something? I have the worst fucking lawyer.

Katz: Um, Shock? That's your name, if I read the file correctly? Um, I said I’m a lawyer. I’m not your lawyer.

[INTERVIEW ENDS]


Archived email message

Sent: 2018-05-09 15:24 GMT
From: gro.noitadnuofpcs|ztaks#gro.noitadnuofpcs|ztaks
To: bcostello@الموتلجميعالكفار.goc
Re: Proposal

Bridie- If you've got a moment, log into the secure DarkPhone chat. I’ve got a proposal that you’re going to want to hear. Ping me when you’re ready.

Shel

SHELDON M. KATZ, ESQ. LEGAL DEPARTMENT gro.noitadnuofpcs|ztaks#gro.noitadnuofpcs|ztaks
office: ███.███.████ fax: ███.███.████ cell: ███.███.████

Confidentiality Statement: This electronic message contains information from the SCP FOUNDATION LEGAL DEPARTMENT, and may be confidential or privileged. The information is intended to be for the use of the individual or entity named above. If you are not the intended recipient, be aware that any disclosure, copying, distribution or use of the contents of this message is prohibited. If you have received this electronic message in error, please notify the sender immediately by reply e-mail or telephone ███.███.████, whereupon the SCP FOUNDATION LEGAL DEPARTMENT shall use appropriate means, including but not limited to the administration of amnestics, to cure any unauthorized disclosure of confidential or privileged information. Pseudo-subliminal hypnotic anchor series follows: AVOCADO TAFARI MAHABHARATA DRESSING OATMEAL.

IRS Circular 230 Notice: We are required to advise you no person or entity may use any tax advice in this communication or any attachment to (i) avoid any penalty under federal tax law or (ii) promote, market or recommend any purchase, investment or other action.



DARKPHONE SECURE CHAT LOG 081-WHISKEY-264-TANGO-HOTEL
Date: 5 September 2018 22:15 GMT
Participants:
(1) KATZ_SHELDON_ATTORNEY SCP_FOUNDATION CREDENTIAL ████████████-████████████-████████████
(2) COSTELLO_BRIDGET_COLONEL GLOBAL_OCCULT_COALITION CREDENTIAL ████████████-████████████-████████████

Proposing a trade. We have something you lost, we want something you have.

dont waste my time with the vague mysterious shtick shel what have you got and what do you want

We’ve got this dog. She’s been a bad girl. Wouldn’t stay on the paper. She has the collar you gave her.

does the bitch answer to the name shock

Yeah. I understand that she made a mess all over your carpet.3

we will take her back in however many pieces as is convenient what do you want for her

She left behind an electronic device in a leather pouch. Mass about two and a half kilograms, in a case made of a yellowish metal alloy. Can you confirm that said article is in your custody and possession?

hold on checking

standby this sometimes takes longer than you would think

while we are waiting how is rachel

She’s fine. Not playing as much tennis since she had the knee surgery. She told me that she and her sister loved that place in Bali that you had recommended, so thanks for that.

great please send her my regards

Will do. How’s Leonard?

dont know i guess you didnt get the news we are not together anymore

Sorry to hear that

dont be

hard for me to respect a man that i outrank and outdrink

the thing you want we have it we assume its intact but who the fuck knows

We can work with that. Checkpoint Charlie4 at noon tomorrow? Exchange after mutual inspection and confirmation per Coalition-Foundation Protocol 6C?

your noon my noon or local noon at checkpoint charlie

Shit, sorry. Local noon there.

ok receive my glyph as acceptance of offer [ASSENT CERTIFICATION GLYPH]

[ASSENT CERTIFICATION GLYPH] Pleasure doing business, as always. See you tomorrow.

[LOG ENDS]


Sheldon withdrew his left thumb from his computer's blood oath certification dongle, then reached into a drawer to grab a tissue and press it against the bleeding pinprick on the tip of his thumb. Someday they'd get around to inventing a more sanitary way of encouraging Foundation personnel and their counterparties to observe contracts.

Road trip tomorrow.


This was written for the SCP Original Character Tournament. Be sure to also read katz-and-dogs by not_a_seagullnot_a_seagull.

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