SCP-HR009-J
rating: +57+x

HUMAN RESOURCES DIVISION NOTICE

This anomaly affects internal Foundation processes. Attendance at no fewer than three (3) training seminars regarding this anomaly is mandatory.


Item #: SCP-HR009-J

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: Actions determined to be influenced by SCP-HR009-J are to be reported to the Human Resources Division immediately. Persons affected by SCP-HR009-J shall be remanded for reeducation Positive Action Plan Workshops, and possibly subject to demotion compensation and benefits fun-sizing as cases merit.

All documents affected by SCP-HR009-J are to be handled in accordance with the Deletions Guide.

Description: SCP-HR009-J is a phenomenon affecting official documentation within the Foundation. Reports, files, memoranda and other documents affected by SCP-HR009-J display characteristics inconsistent with established scientific and professional practices, especially those developed internally by the Foundation. SCP-HR009-J has been known to affect database files for anomalies, personnel records, electronic file directories, incident reports, and e-mails (especially those originating from Dr. ████ "Incapable of its/it's Distinction" ████████'s desk).

Documentation practices such as those caused by SCP-HR009-J are theoretically within established baseline human behavior. However, given the extensive selection process for Foundation personnel and the rigorous qualifications standards enforced by the Human Resources Division, behavior such as that caused by SCP-HR009-J can have no other cause than deficiencies in the rationally observable laws of spacetime.

Addendum HR009-J.1 - Corruption of Directory Filenames

SCP-HR009-J.1 has exhibited a tendency to induce staff to produce anomalously inappropriate names for files cataloguing contained anomalous phenomena. These have included the following instances:

SCP-████ - G A R B A G E B A G F U L L O F S E A M O N K E Y S

SCP-████ - Researcher Floyd is a Jerk Who is Wrong About Everything and is also a Jerk1

SCP-████ - The Original [appears courtesy of a very confused sculptor][please don't use this picture ever][please don't sue the hell out of us]

SCP-████ - Different Typeface Will Get Me Noticed

SCP-████ - The Real, Official and Definitive 001 Which is Now Canon2

SCP-████ - Fifteen Insufferable Puns

LOLOL-LOLOL - LOL IT DOESNT HAVE A SCP TITLE

SCP-████ - This Dying World

SCP-████ - A monster or something ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

SCP-████ - Guys I Figured Out How This Formatting Thingy Works

SCP-████ - So Look, I Don't Really Know How to Succinctly Summarize the Key Attributes of This Thing, Because it's Kind of, I Dunno, Time-Affecting, I Guess? Also it's Probably Memetic or Something, Maybe Some Other Researcher Can Handle This One, I'm Pretty Busy With That Creepy Humanoid That Looks Like Everyone's Grandma and Tries to Bake Cookies With Their Hair and Nail Clippings. Why Does That Even Exist? An Infinite Cosmos and the Universe Decides to Cough Up a Disgusting Old Shapeshifting Mummy. Did You Know They Made a Bunch of D-Class Eat the Cookies? Nuts to This, I'm Getting a Drink

SCP-████ - my shift key is broken please help

SCP-████ - The Time That a Statue of Garfield Lit Everyone in the Room on Fire While Saying 'Do You Hate Mondays Now' Repeatedly3

SCP-████ - Ow, My Ovaries

SCP-████ - [ACCESS DENIED]4

Addendum HR009-J.2 - Breach of Personnel Records Database

Per established procedure, the Foundation maintains comprehensive records of staff. These records chronicle employee assignments, completed projects, current research, and performance notes. However, in violation of any semblance of consensus reality, SCP-HR009-J has affected a number of these files, resulting in the following records that would be professionally unacceptable, were they compiled by a functioning human:

Site Director Randolph Jesperson - Personnel file replaced with semi-readable document composed primarily of seventeen viewing tabs, each of which leading to a further seventeen viewing tabs. This led to a performance review being unable to determine which location Site Director Jesperson was actually in charge of.

Technician John Williamson - The only accessible records for Technician Williamson consisted of a narrative about a fictionalized, competent version of the employee, serving in a lead role on a Mobile Task Force that was somehow issued firearms in order to research text-based anomalies in the field. Comments have been disabled on Technician Williamson's personnel file until further notice.

Researcher Saito Akane - Personnel file replaced with a line of text reading, "i'll get around to putting something here," followed by a timer counting down to November 6, 2347.

Technician Jørgen Eriksen - Possibly the most complex example of SCP-HR009-J, this personnel file was replaced with an open comment thread, in which dozens of personnel affected by the anomaly proceeded to post incomprehensible, low-information content. This incident was similar to SCP-████, a phenomenon affecting multiple Sites that was ultimately decommissioned by a 13-0 Overseer Council vote after being deemed to have no worthwhile research utility.

Senior Researcher Ana Montoya - Mission-critical details on each project to which Senior Researcher Montoya has been assigned replaced with extended commentary regarding personal feelings and unrelated observations regarding writing process, in most cases exceeding the amount of documentation extant for each SCP object.

Armed Site-04 Security Chief Xu Qiliang - Personnel file consisted of nothing but bullet points listing Security Chief Xu's assignments, with no additional information or performance notes of any kind. Review of this instance of SCP-HR009-J is ongoing, as personnel continually fall asleep during attempts to research it.

Addendum HR009-J.3 - Anomalously Inappropriate Addenda

Several database entries for anomalous phenomena and objects have been corrupted, and now feature inexplicable narratives composed in the form of letters and notes, purporting to explain the origins of the SCP object in question. The appearance of these notes in official documentation do not conform to the physical laws of the observable universe, as any researcher lazy enough to simply include these narratives in the belief that they have explanatory value would have been reassigned to a long-term amnestic-aided civilian infiltration assignment long ago.

A listing of known instances follows:

Addendum 106.2 - Document Pinned to SCP-106's Forehead - "My dearest Claire, I know how in your heart, you have always desired a scary old man covered in caustic goo, who can walk through walls and jump out at you. Alas, of all my efforts to prove my love to you, 'twas this one that I could not complete while you were still among us. I can only hope that wherever you are, that your beautiful smile lights up your face as you look down on us below, capering with this hideous monster that delights in inflicting unending torment for no real reason. Sincerely, Claude."

Addendum 1733.2 - Sticky Note Found Attached Underneath DVR, Which Was Recovered After Several Years of Research for Some Reason - "LeBron James is the Michael Jordan of NEVER WINNING A CHAMPIONSHIP LOL u just got clowned son XD XD. - Todd5"

Addendum 2000-3: - The following letter was discovered taped to Clone Vat #B19 upon a routine cleaning:

"Where to begin. I guess it all starts with my love of Hanna-Barbera cartoons. Who wouldn't appreciate things like mystery-solving great danes and a great white shark that plays the drums in a rock band? Classic. Now see here, I know I can't actually visit Jellystone Park because it doesn't exist. I'm not a child. But I can visit Yellowstone Park. Oh yes.

Like all things in life, reality simply does not live up to the Hanna-Barberaverse. Sure, there were bears of varying sizes. And yes, they did occasionally steal pic-a-nic baskets from the unwary. There was even a particularly diligent park ranger that would give chase to the bears on these occasions, though he was probably pursuing the bears out of senility instead of duty. But it just wasn't the same. Where was the hat and tie? Where are the light hearted hijinks, when all the bears want to do is dig out the entrails of a nearby deer carcass? Where's the fun?

There was only one thing left to do. Create a giant underground complex where I could let bears evolve into a more perfected Yogi-like form, while keeping humanity the same over the course of the millions of years that it would take to do this. What good is a bipedal bear announcing itself with "hey Boo-Boo" if there's no one there to properly appreciate it?

At the end of my long life, I've made great strides. One sub-species of the park's local grizzly bears is definitely smaller, though sadly this appears to have made them much angrier, complicating their eventual role as a sidekick organism. And the other grizzlies now seem to prefer human-introduced foods in their diets, at the cost of the less-humorous business of increased tourist maulings. But there's much more work to be done. So much more.

I leave it to you, generations of the future, to put this great machine to its highest use. Remember Yogi, Boo-Boo, and Ranger Smith."

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