Item #: SCP-800-J
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: As new variants of SCP-800-J are discovered, they are to be isolated and all players issued Class-F amnestics. Following this treatment, they are to be trained on how to properly play football.
Description: SCP-800-J designates a troubling number of Football sporting leagues in which all players, officials, spectators, and linesmen are unable to discern the proper methods of playing the game. In some respects, the game eventually played has almost no resemblance to football.
SCP-800-J was discovered on 09/18/2011, by Senior Researcher Collins, after erroneously flipping to the other channels included in his 'Big All-American Sporting Network' and finding that the package contained odd variants of football. After receiving inadequate explanation from his cable provider, Collins declared it to be an anomaly and called Site-77 personnel to enact containment procedures.
Researcher's note: I have observed that almost none of these variants are played with regulation equipment, and scandalously, even fewer are played on Sunday.
Addendum: Variants observed:
Observation Date: 09/18/2011
Observation Notes: First observed instance. Takes place in a rotund playing field, with players wearing shockingly little protection. Ball appears to be much smaller, and white, possibly composed of sheepskin or albino pigs. Touchdowns achieved by circling bases. Claims to be America's 'national pastime' have been conclusively proven to be possibly untrue.
Observation Date: 10/22/2011
Observation Notes: This variant appeared to be played on ice, and at no point did the players actually have possession of the ball. Ball itself had been burned into a hard circle, possibly made of charred bacon, which was theorized to be held together by the low temperatures. Yardage was gained and lost very quickly, with no regard to downs. Goal celebrations were dis-pleasurably noted to be very over the top.
Observation Date: 11/16/2011
Observation Notes: Played between two players, both wearing extensive padding, and wielding swords. Dueled until one player scored an apparent touchdown by tackling the other player with their sword. Noted to be "pretty cool" by Researcher Collins.
Observation Date: 03/23/2012
Observation Notes: No balls are present. Players appear to throw themselves over the field goal posts, with a broken portion of another field goal post. Possibly developed in a post-apocalyptic reality where all footballs have been destroyed, so players must use themselves.
Observation Date: 4/15/2012
Observation Notes: Game was played exclusively with feet. No resemblance to football whatsoever. Recommending demotion of all players to D-Class, due to the dubious nature of them ever being trained to play a real sport.
Observation Date: 10/3/2012
Observation Notes: Variant takes place between two players, who stand on opposite podiums in an enclosed stadium. Linesmen dictate questions to the players, who gain yardage by answering them in a forum-fashion. Touchdowns appear to be obtained abstractly through applause.
Observation date: 11/22/2012
Observation notes: This anomalous edition of football appears to be… played with one player. Who is a horse. All play appeared to consist of post-touchdown dancing. During play, it does not appear to matter how many yards the horse moves down, and during extensive review of play no downs have been detected. Touchdown ratios have reached a new low.
page revision: 4, last edited: 17 Jan 2017 22:46