SCP-5595 - SCP Foundation

SCP-5595

@supports((display: -ms-grid) or (display: grid)) {
:root {
    /* header measurements */
    --header-height-on-desktop: 10rem;
    --header-height-on-mobile: 10rem;
    --header-h1-font-size: -webkit-calc(2rem + (2.5 - 2) * ((100vw - 18.750rem) / (60 - 18.750)));
    --header-h1-font-size: -moz-calc(2rem + (2.5 - 2) * ((100vw - 18.750rem) / (60 - 18.750)));
    --header-h1-font-size: calc(2rem + (2.5 - 2) * ((100vw - 18.750rem) / (60 - 18.750)));
}
 
#header {
    background: none;
}
 
#header::before {
    content: " ";
    position: absolute;
    width: 100%;
    height: 100%;
    left: 0;
    top: 0.75rem;
    background-image: var(--logo-image);
    background-repeat: no-repeat;
    background-position: center -3.5rem;
    -webkit-background-size: auto 8rem;
    -moz-background-size: auto 8rem;
    -o-background-size: auto 8rem;
    background-size: auto 8rem;
    background-position: center top;
    opacity: 0.45;
    pointer-events: none;
}
 
#header h1,
#header h1 a,
#header h1 a::before {
    position: absolute;
    top: 0;
    left: 0;
    margin: 0;
    padding: 0;
    width: 100%;
    height: 100%;
    display: -webkit-box;
    display: -webkit-flex;
    display: -moz-box;
    display: -ms-flexbox;
    display: flex;
    -webkit-box-align: center;
    -webkit-align-items: center;
    -moz-box-align: center;
    -ms-flex-align: center;
    align-items: center;
    -webkit-box-pack: center;
    -webkit-justify-content: center;
    -moz-box-pack: center;
    -ms-flex-pack: center;
    justify-content: center;
    max-height: inherit;
    z-index: 0;
}
 
#header>h1>a>span {
    width: 100%;
    height: 100%;
    top: 0;
    left: 0;
    max-width: inherit;
}
 
#header h1 {
    height: -webkit-calc(100% - 2.25rem);
    height: -moz-calc(100% - 2.25rem);
    height: calc(100% - 2.25rem);
}
 
#header h1 a::before,
#header h1 a {
    text-align: center;
    line-height: 0.8;
}
 
#header h2,
#header h2 span,
#header h2 span::before {
    position: absolute;
    left: 0;
    top: 0.15em;
    margin-left: 0;
    padding: 0;
    width: 100%;
    display: -webkit-box;
    display: -webkit-flex;
    display: -moz-box;
    display: -ms-flexbox;
    display: flex;
    -webkit-box-align: end;
    -webkit-align-items: flex-end;
    -moz-box-align: end;
    -ms-flex-align: end;
    align-items: flex-end;
    -webkit-box-pack: center;
    -webkit-justify-content: center;
    -moz-box-pack: center;
    -ms-flex-pack: center;
    justify-content: center;
    max-height: inherit;
    z-index: 0;
    text-transform: uppercase;
    pointer-events: none;
}
 
#login-status {
    min-height: -webkit-calc(var(--base-font-size) * 1.5);
    min-height: -moz-calc(var(--base-font-size) * 1.5);
    min-height: calc(var(--base-font-size) * 1.5);
    -webkit-border-radius: .0625rem;
    -moz-border-radius: .0625rem;
    border-radius: .0625rem;
    -webkit-border-radius: var(--border-radius-width);
    -moz-border-radius: var(--border-radius-width);
    border-radius: var(--border-radius-width);
    color: rgb(var(--pale-gray-monochrome));
    background-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);
    -webkit-box-sizing: border-box;
    -moz-box-sizing: border-box;
    box-sizing: border-box;
    -webkit-box-flex: 1;
    -webkit-flex-grow: 1;
    -moz-box-flex: 1;
    -ms-flex-positive: 1;
    flex-grow: 1;
    left: 3%;
    right: initial;
}
 
#login-status .printuser {
    --wght: 900;
    position: relative;
    top: 0;
    left: 0;
    color: rgb(var(--swatch-menutxt-light-color));
    -webkit-box-shadow: none;
    -moz-box-shadow: none;
    box-shadow: none;
    padding: 0.25rem;
    margin: 0;
    font-weight: 900;
}
 
#login-status #my-account {
    --wght: 300;
    color: rgb(var(--pale-gray-monochrome));
    font-weight: 300;
}
 
#login-status #account-topbutton {
    border: initial;
    padding: 0.5em 0.5em 0.5em 0.25em;
    position: relative;
    height: 100%;
    top: 0;
    left: 0;
    margin: 0;
    font-size: 1em;
}
 
#account-options {
    width: auto;
    padding: 0.5em;
    border-color: rgba(var(--bright-accent));
    background: var(--gradient-header);
    color: rgb(var(--swatch-text-light));
}
 
#account-options ul li a {
    color: rgb(var(--swatch-text-light));
}
 
#account-options li a:hover {
    color: rgb(var(--swatch-text-light));
    text-decoration: underline;
}
 
@media only screen and (min-width: 769px) {
    #search-top-box {
        right: 3%;
        top: 0.5rem;
    }
 
    #search-top-box-form>input,
    #search-top-box-form>input:hover,
    #search-top-box-form>input:focus {
        background: rgb(var(--black-monochrome));
    }   
 
    #search-top-box-form>input {        
        -webkit-box-shadow: 0 0 0 0.125rem rgb(var(--swatch-menubg-dark-color));
        -moz-box-shadow: 0 0 0 0.125rem rgb(var(--swatch-menubg-dark-color));
        box-shadow: 0 0 0 0.125rem rgb(var(--swatch-menubg-dark-color));
    }
 
    #search-top-box-form>input:hover,
    #search-top-box-form>input:focus {
        -webkit-box-shadow: 0 0 0 0.125rem rgb(var(--swatch-menubg-medium-dark-color));
        -moz-box-shadow: 0 0 0 0.125rem rgb(var(--swatch-menubg-medium-dark-color));
        box-shadow: 0 0 0 0.125rem rgb(var(--swatch-menubg-medium-dark-color));
    }
 
    #search-top-box-form input[type="submit"],
    #search-top-box-form input[type="submit"]:focus, 
    #search-top-box-form input[type="submit"]:hover {  
        border: none;
        border-left: 0.0625rem solid rgb(var(--swatch-primary-darkest));
        -webkit-box-shadow: 0 0 0 0.125rem rgb(var(--swatch-menubg-dark-color));
        -moz-box-shadow: 0 0 0 0.125rem rgb(var(--swatch-menubg-dark-color));
        box-shadow: 0 0 0 0.125rem rgb(var(--swatch-menubg-dark-color));
    }
 
    #search-top-box-form input[type="submit"] {
        background: rgb(var(--swatch-primary-darkest));
        color: rgb(var(--swatch-menutxt-light-color));
    }
 
    #search-top-box-form input[type="submit"]:focus, 
    #search-top-box-form input[type="submit"]:hover {
        background: rgb(var(--swatch-primary));
        -webkit-box-shadow: 0 0 0 0.125rem rgb(var(--swatch-menubg-medium-dark-color));
        -moz-box-shadow: 0 0 0 0.125rem rgb(var(--swatch-menubg-medium-dark-color));
        box-shadow: 0 0 0 0.125rem rgb(var(--swatch-menubg-medium-dark-color));
    }
}
 
#page-title {
    text-align: center;
}
 
@media only screen and (max-width:768px) {
    :root {
        --header-h1-font-size: -webkit-calc(2rem + (2.5 - 2) * ((100vw - 18.750rem) / (60 - 18.750)));
        --header-h1-font-size: -moz-calc(2rem + (2.5 - 2) * ((100vw - 18.750rem) / (60 - 18.750)));
        --header-h1-font-size: calc(2rem + (2.5 - 2) * ((100vw - 18.750rem) / (60 - 18.750)));
    }
 
    #header h1,
    #header h1 a,
    #header h1 a::before {
        top: 0.25rem;
    }
 
    #header h2,
    #header h2 a,
    #header h2 a::before {
        top: 0;
    }
 
    #header h2 span {
        margin-top: -webkit-calc(var(--header-height-on-mobile)/2 + var(--header-h1-font-size)/2 + .25rem);
    margin-top: -moz-calc(var(--header-height-on-mobile)/2 + var(--header-h1-font-size)/2 + .25rem);
    margin-top: calc(var(--header-height-on-mobile)/2 + var(--header-h1-font-size)/2 - .25rem);
    }
}

+ Show component code

- Hide component code

@supports((display: -ms-grid) or (display: grid)) {
    @media only screen and (min-width: 769px) {
        #side-bar .close-menu {
            display: block;
            position: fixed;
            top: 0.25rem;
            left: 0.5rem;
            width: 3rem;
            opacity: 1;
            pointer-events: all;
        }
 
        #side-bar .close-menu img {
            color: transparent;
        }
 
        #side-bar .close-menu::before,
        #side-bar .close-menu::after {
            content: "";
            box-sizing: border-box;
            position: fixed;
            display: block;
            top: 0.25rem;
            left: 0.5rem;
            width: 3rem;
            height: 3rem;
            padding: 0;
            margin: 0;
            text-align: center;
            pointer-events: all;
            cursor: pointer;
            -webkit-transition:
                opacity var(--sidebar-transition-timing);
            -o-transition:
                opacity var(--sidebar-transition-timing);
            -moz-transition:
                opacity var(--sidebar-transition-timing);
            transition:
                opacity var(--sidebar-transition-timing);
        }
 
        #side-bar .close-menu::before {
            --mask: url("data:image/svg+xml,%3C%3Fxml version='1.0' %3F%3E%3C!DOCTYPE svg PUBLIC '-//W3C//DTD SVG 1.1//EN' 'http://www.w3.org/Graphics/SVG/1.1/DTD/svg11.dtd'%3E%3Csvg height='32px' id='Layer_1' style='enable-background:new 0 0 32 32;' version='1.1' viewBox='0 0 32 32' width='32px' xml:space='preserve' xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2000/svg' xmlns:xlink='http://www.w3.org/1999/xlink'%3E%3Cpath d='M4,10h24c1.104,0,2-0.896,2-2s-0.896-2-2-2H4C2.896,6,2,6.896,2,8S2.896,10,4,10z M28,14H4c-1.104,0-2,0.896-2,2 s0.896,2,2,2h24c1.104,0,2-0.896,2-2S29.104,14,28,14z M28,22H4c-1.104,0-2,0.896-2,2s0.896,2,2,2h24c1.104,0,2-0.896,2-2 S29.104,22,28,22z'/%3E%3C/svg%3E");
            z-index: -1;
            background-color: var(--toggle-icon-color, rgb(var(--sidebar-links-text))) !important;
            -webkit-mask: var(--mask);
            mask: var(--mask);
            -webkit-mask-repeat: no-repeat;
            mask-repeat: no-repeat;
            -webkit-mask-position: 50% 50%;
            mask-position: 50% 50%;
            -webkit-mask-size: 60%;
            mask-size: 60%;
        }
 
        #side-bar .close-menu::after {
            z-index: -2;
            background-color: var(--toggle-button-bg, rgb(var(--swatch-menubg-color))) !important;
            -webkit-border-radius: var(--toggle-roundness, 50%);
            -moz-border-radius: var(--toggle-roundness, 50%);
            border-radius: var(--toggle-roundness, 50%);
            border: var(--toggle-border-color, rgb(var(--swatch-border-color))) var(--toggle-border-width, 0.25rem) solid;
        }
 
        #side-bar:focus-within .close-menu::before,
        #side-bar:focus-within .close-menu::after {
            opacity: 0;
        }
 
        #side-bar {
            display: block;
            position: fixed;
            top: 0;
            left: -webkit-calc(var(--sidebar-width-on-desktop)*-1);
            left: -moz-calc(var(--sidebar-width-on-desktop)*-1);
            left: calc(var(--sidebar-width-on-desktop)*-1);
            z-index: 10;
            -webkit-transition:
                left var(--sidebar-transition-timing);
            -o-transition:
                left var(--sidebar-transition-timing);
            -moz-transition:
                left var(--sidebar-transition-timing);
            transition:
                left var(--sidebar-transition-timing);
            height: 100%;
            overflow-y: auto;
            overflow-x: hidden;
            margin-top: 0;
        }
 
        #side-bar:focus-within {
            left: 0;
        }
 
        #side-bar .side-block {
            margin-top: 1rem;
            background-color: rgb(0, 0, 0, 0);
            -webkit-border-radius: 0;
            -moz-border-radius: 0;
            border-radius: 0;
            border-left-width: 0px;
            border-right-width: 0px;
        }
 
        #main-content::before {
            content: "";
            display: block;
            position: fixed;
            top: 0;
            right: 0;
            z-index: -1;
            opacity: 0;
            -webkit-transition:
                opacity var(--sidebar-transition-timing),
                width var(--sidebar-transition-timing);
            -o-transition:
                opacity var(--sidebar-transition-timing),
                width var(--sidebar-transition-timing);
            -moz-transition:
                opacity var(--sidebar-transition-timing),
                width var(--sidebar-transition-timing);
            transition:
                opacity var(--sidebar-transition-timing),
                width var(--sidebar-transition-timing);
            margin-left: var(--sidebar-width-on-desktop);
            background: rgba(var(--swatch-menubg-black-color), .3) 1px 1px repeat;
            padding-right: 0;
            width: 100%;
            height: 100vh;
            pointer-events: none;
            z-index: 99;
        }
 
        #side-bar:focus-within~#main-content::before {
            width: -webkit-calc(100% - var(--sidebar-width-on-desktop));
            width: -moz-calc(100% - var(--sidebar-width-on-desktop));
            width: calc(100% - var(--sidebar-width-on-desktop));
            opacity: 1;
            pointer-events: all;
        }
 
        #content-wrap {
            display: -webkit-box;
            display: -webkit-flex;
            display: -moz-box;
            display: -ms-flexbox;
            display: flex;
            -webkit-box-orient: horizontal;
            -webkit-box-direction: normal;
            -webkit-flex-direction: row;
            -moz-box-orient: horizontal;
            -moz-box-direction: normal;
            -ms-flex-direction: row;
            flex-direction: row;
            width: -webkit-calc(100vw - (100vw - 100%));
            width: -moz-calc(100vw - (100vw - 100%));
            width: calc(100vw - (100vw - 100%));
            min-height: -webkit-calc(100vh - -webkit-calc(var(--final-header-height-on-desktop, 10.125rem)));
            min-height: -moz-calc(100vh - -moz-calc(var(--final-header-height-on-desktop, 10.125rem)));
            min-height: calc(100vh - calc(var(--final-header-height-on-desktop, 10.125rem)));
            -webkit-box-flex: 2;
            -webkit-flex-grow: 2;
            -moz-box-flex: 2;
            -ms-flex-positive: 2;
            flex-grow: 2;
            height: auto;
            position: relative;
            margin: 0 auto;
            max-width: inherit;
        }
 
        #main-content {
            width: 100%;
            position: initial;
            max-height: 100%;
            padding: 2rem 1rem;
            width: 45.8rem;
            max-width: 45.8rem;
            margin: 0 auto;
        }
 
        @media not all and (min-resolution:.001dpcm) {
            @supports (-webkit-appearance:none) {
                #side-bar {
                    -webkit-transition:
                        left var(--sidebar-transition-timing),
                        padding-right var(--sidebar-transition-timing),
                        background-color var(--sidebar-transition-timing);
                    -o-transition:
                        left var(--sidebar-transition-timing),
                        padding-right var(--sidebar-transition-timing),
                        background-color var(--sidebar-transition-timing);
                    -moz-transition:
                        left var(--sidebar-transition-timing),
                        padding-right var(--sidebar-transition-timing),
                        background-color var(--sidebar-transition-timing);
                    transition:
                        left var(--sidebar-transition-timing),
                        padding-right var(--sidebar-transition-timing),
                        background-color var(--sidebar-transition-timing);
                    padding-right: 0;
                    background-color: rgb(0, 0, 0, 0);
                    pointer-events: all;
                    overflow-x: visible;
                    overflow-y: visible;
                    z-index: 999;
                }
 
                #side-bar::-webkit-scrollbar {
                    opacity: 0;
                    -webkit-transition: opacity var(--sidebar-transition-timing);
                    transition: opacity var(--sidebar-transition-timing);
                }
 
                #side-bar .close-menu::before {
                    z-index: 999;
                }
 
                #side-bar .close-menu::after {
                    z-index: 998;
                }
 
                #side-bar:hover .close-menu::before {
                    opacity: 0;
                }
 
                #side-bar:hover {
                    left: 0;
                    background-color: rgba(var(--swatch-menubg-color), 1);
                    padding-right: 0;
                }
 
                #side-bar:hover::-webkit-scrollbar {
                    opacity: 1;
                }
 
                #side-bar:hover~#main-content::before {
                    width: -webkit-calc(100% - var(--sidebar-width-on-desktop));
                    width: -moz-calc(100% - var(--sidebar-width-on-desktop));
                    width: calc(100% - var(--sidebar-width-on-desktop));
                    opacity: 1;
                    pointer-events: all;
                }
            }
        }
    }
}

2/5595 LEVEL 2/5595

CLASSIFIED

Item #: SCP-5595

Safe

Site-322

SCP-5595

Special Containment Procedures: If needed, a low-level containment cell is available for SCP-5595 in the safe-class wing of Site-322. Following an Ethics Committee and Security Department confirmation, SCP-5595 is permitted to remain out of its chamber and assist personnel in their daily tasks.

Description: SCP-5595 is an unbranded gumball machine that believes it is a member of Foundation personnel.

SCP-5595 consists of a red-painted steel body and a glass dome which acts as its visual and auditory organs. A metal cap sits on top of this dome with a keyhole embedded into it. All attempts made towards the removal of the cap have failed. Below the body portion is a one-meter long steel pole extending into four curved legs.

SCP-5595 is sapient and is capable of speech via a supposed speaker system within its main body. Its voice is highly modulated and barely intelligible at times, sounding as if it is underwater and/or originating from a rotary telephone. Using the wheels attached under the legs of its stand, SCP-5595 is capable of self-propelling locomotion and short-distance jumps, these are used to ascend and descend staircases. SCP-5595 has a tendency to topple over, often requiring assistance.

SCP-5595 was recovered in the first-floor lobby of Site-322, claiming to be "the Substitute Site-Director" following Site-Director Paul Lague taking a personal leave of absence. Recovery protocols were enacted and SCP-5595 was subsequently captured and placed in a Safe-class containment chamber.

Addendum 5595.1: Primary Interviews

+ Open Addendum +

- Close Addendum -

The following interview was conducted with SCP-5595 following its initial recovery.

DATE: 03/24/2017
INTERVIEWER: Dr. Anthony Croix
SUBJECT: SCP-5595

«BEGIN LOG»

(SCP-5595 is standing directly against its door, peering out of the window. Dr. Croix knocks.)

Dr. Croix: Move back, please.

(No response or movement. Croix knocks again.)

Dr. Croix: We're going to have a quick talk— just to figure everything out, okay?

(Squeaking from SCP-5595's wheels as it rolls towards the interview table. Dr. Croix enters.)

(He takes his seat. SCP-5595 stands near the other end of the table.)

Dr. Croix: We probably have no use for that other chair.

SCP-5595: PERCEPTIVE.

Dr. Croix: …Yeah. How about we start with names? I'm Dr. Anthony Croix. What would you like to be called?

SCP-5595: I AM SITE-DIRECTOR GEOFFREY QUINCY HARRISON THE THIRD. HOW DO YOU SPELL YOUR LASTNAME?

Dr. Croix: C-R-O-I-X.

SCP-5595: OK, DR. CROCS. WHAT BRINGS YOU TO ME TODAY?

Dr. Croix: Croix. Let's start out with the elephant in the room here.

SCP-5595: I SEE ZERO CREATURES IN THIS ROOM. OTHER THAN YOURSELF.

Dr. Croix: It's a metaphor. (Pause) To be frank, we already have a Site-Director, Dr—

SCP-5595: YES DOCTOR GEOFFREY QUINC—

Dr. Croix: I get it. And that's incorrect. Our site-director is currently Paul Lague. He's a rather young guy and I don't see him retiring anytime soon.

SCP-5595: RUDE TO INTERRUPT PEOPLE FOR ONE. I HAVE HEARD OF THIS PAUL LAGUE. IS HE NOT ON LEAVE?

Dr. Croix: Yes… Director Lague is on a short vacation. Odd that you'd know that. But that doesn't mean—

SCP-5595: YES, THEN THERE IS NO SITE-DIRECTOR FOR THE TIME BEING. MAKING ME, (Static for three seconds) SITE-DIRECTOR OF YOUR WONDERFULLY WELCOMING ESTABLISHMENT.

Dr. Croix: I'm afraid that's not true.

SCP-5595: YOU'RE GOING TO LOOK ME IN THE DOME AND TELL ME I AM NOT SITE-DIRECTOR MATERIAL?

Dr. Croix: (Pause) That's not what I'm saying. We have a site-director.

SCP-5595: WHO IS NOT HERE. THIS SOUNDS A BIT OBVIOUS, YES? NOW, BACK TO WORK, DOCTOR CROCS, I HAVE SITE-DIRECTING TO DO.

Dr. Croix: I'm afraid that's not how it works, and we're not finished yet. We still have a few more questions to get through.

(SCP-5595 drives to Dr. Croix and bumps against his chair.)

SCP-5595: AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOUR HOSPITALITY, I NEED TO ACCLIMATE TO MY NEW ROLE AND GET THIS PLACE RUNNING LIKE A WELL-OILED AND DAZZLING MACHINE. AS FOR YOU, I BELIEVE IT'S AMPLE TIME TO SECURE AND CONTAIN AND PROTECT. UP AND AT THEM. (Croix stands. SCP-5595 stops pushing the chair.) THAT IS THE SPIRIT. LOOK HOW NIMBLE YOU ARE. GO AHEAD AND USE THOSE LEGS TO STROLL ON OUT OF HERE.

Dr. Croix: (Whispering to control.) Entity is belligerent, may need guards to extract me.

SCP-5595: HELLO YES CONTROL, (Static for five seconds) PLEASE BRING ME TO MY OFFICE. DR. CROCS IS HOSTING A MUTINY.

«END LOG»

Following this interview, SCP-5595 returned to its previous position against its door with its dome portion against the window, staring out of it. The next day, it began ramming itself against the door for twenty-nine continuous hours. This continued uninterrupted until SCP-5595 made a sound akin to coughing and clearing its throat. Once finished, SCP-5595 emitting static for twenty-three continuous hours while resuming the banging. Dir. Lague returned during these events and attempted another interview.

DATE: 03/27/2017
INTERVIEWER: Site-Director Paul Lague
SUBJECT: SCP-5595

«BEGIN LOG»

(A metal tapping overlayed with the sound of static is audible. Dir. Lague approaches the door and the behavior ceases.)

Dir. Lague: Hello?

SCP-5595: AH, YOU HAVE RETURNED. ENTER.

(Lague enters.)

Dir. Lague: I appreciate the permission… Geoffrey Harrison, right? I've heard a bit about you.

SCP-5595: YES, I WAS SITE-DIRECTOR IN YOUR STEAD. SADLY, DUE TO TRAITORS SENTENCING ME TO THIS DRACONIAN PUNISHMENT, I WAS UNABLE TO SECURE AND CONTAIN AND PROTECT. ARE YOU AWARE PEOPLE SUFFER FROM CLAUSTROPHOBIA? HOW MANY POOR SUCKERS DO YOU HAVE LIKE THIS?

Dir. Lague: Are you claustrophobic?

SCP-5595: I FEAR NOTHING. I'M JUST LOOKING OUT FOR THE LITTLE GUY— AS A GOOD LEADER SHOULD.

Dir. Lague: I like the thoughtfulness. (Pause) I read your transcript when I came back, saw you gave Dr. Croix quite the earful.

SCP-5595: DR. CROCS IS A DIRTY CONSPIRATOR. I ARRIVE FOR NO MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES BEFORE I WAS ASSAULTED AND BRANDED AS A SCOUNDREL. (Static)

Dir. Lague: Alright, that's enough. Now tell me, you're aware of the Foundation's motto and our job hierarchy. What else?

SCP-5595: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

Dir. Lague: I assume someone told you more information about us. I mean, site-director isn't that common in the wacky world of occupational titles. Unless you ran some construction site before arriving here, which — no offense — I find unlikely, someone had to tell you about the position and that its holder was on vacation.

SCP-5595: I TOLD YOU WHAT I KNOW. I THOUGHT I'D BE BRIEFED WHEN I ARRIVED.

Dir. Lague: I don't exactly believe you.

SCP-5595: ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?

Dir. Lague: Does the black moon howl?

SCP-5595: THE MOON IS WHITE, DUMBASS. I CAN SEE WHY THIS PLACE IS IN SHAMBLES IF YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

Dir. Lague: (Sigh) That was a bit of a long shot, I guess. When I returned your little outburst had been going on for almost three—

SCP-5595: I WAS FALSELY IMPRISONED. AM I SUPPOSED TO ALLOW MY CAPTORS THE LAST LAUGH? YOU FOOLISH LITTLE ROACH. DID THE BLIND SOUL THAT PROMOTED YOU TO THIS POSITION KNOW YOU'D SURRENDER SO PROMPTLY?

Dir. Lague: (Annoyed) I do my job and I do it well! And for the record, I'm the one normally causing the surrendering, thanks a lot. When I leave this cell, are you gonna go back to the banging?

SCP-5595: MOST LIKELY.

Dir. Lague: And I assume you won't get tired out.

SCP-5595: YOU'RE A SMART COOKIE.

Dir. Lague: I see. As a "former site-director," you should know that distractions are a real bummer to employee morale.

SCP-5595: I'M MORE THAN AWARE, PAL. THAT'S WHY I KEPT CHANGING THE TEMPO.

Dir. Lague: Mhm, so, here's my problem, we had over fifteen complaints about the ruckus you caused. I can't have that continuing… I'm honestly at a loss for what to do with you.

SCP-5595: LOOK HERE BUCKAROO, I'M A GOOD ASSET TO HAVE.

Dir. Lague: How should I believe that? How can I know that you're the best?

SCP-5595: I HAVE YOUR INTERESTS AT HEART. LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I CAN DO.

Dir. Lague: From what I saw in the tape, you're not a danger to anyone.

SCP-5595: NOT YET.

Dir. Lague: Hmm… how about you investigate the Level-4 cafeteria. I heard there were some oddities in there.

(Silence)

SCP-5595: THAT SOUNDS LIKE BULLSHIT.

Dir. Lague: That's all I have for you. If not, we could always just throw you in a padded, soundproof cell. I just have to sign some paperwork and call it a day.

SCP-5595: I WOULD NOT LIKE THAT.

Dir. Lague: Thought so. Now, how about we save me some hassle, my employees some headache, and you some loneliness? This is the only job I can give you.

SCP-5595: YOU'VE MADE A RATHER COMPELLING ARGUEMENT.

«END LOG»

Addendum 5595.2: Further Incidents

SCP-5595’s investigations began on 3/30/2017. Surveillance logs show it conversing with personnel on their lunch breaks, and overall acting as an amicable, albeit somewhat intrusive, addition to the cafeteria.

SCP-5595 made a single discovery during the first six months of its investigation. In a frenzied state, it demanded a meeting with Director Lague. Upon being granted one, it revealed that the kitchen staff had replaced mashed potatoes with mashed cauliflower in an attempt to “poison staff.” Director Lague thanked SCP-5595 for the vital information¹ and allowed it to return to the cafeteria to continue investigating the foodstuffs.

On 1/12/2018, documents relating to the Site-322 budget were not delivered to Dir. Lague. After a backtracking effort, it was found that all documentation had been in the possession of SCP-5595.

+ Open Interview Log +

- Close Interview Log -

DATE: 06/12/2017
INTERVIEWER: Site-Director Paul Lague
SUBJECT: SCP-5595

«BEGIN LOG»

(SCP-5595 is held in its containment chamber, a pair of glasses have been taped to its dome.)

Dir. Lague: Hello again.

SCP-5595: HELLO.

(Dir. Lague reveals the budget documents and places them on a table)

Dir. Lague: Would you care to explain how you got these?

SCP-5595: I WAS A BIT BORED AFTER I FOUND OUT THAT THE CAULIFLOWER MASHED POTATOES WERE NOT POISON, JUST A PART OF THE RECENTLY IMPLEMENTED DIET PROGRAM. I BECAME MORE PERCEPTIVE TO DECEPTION AND NOTICED THAT FOLDER AND I CONFISCATED IT.

Dir. Lague: I gave you a simple task to complete. Looking at these was not one of them!

SCP-5595: YES I WAS TASKED WITH INVESTIGATING ODDITIES. LIKE I SAID, I NOTICED AN ODD — EXTREMELY PECULIAR — MANILA FOLDER ON ONE OF THE CAFETERIA TABLES. SO ME BEING THE ODDITY INSPECTOR, INSPECTOR OF ODDITIES AND OTHER ASSOCIATED PHENOMENA, I PROMPTLY SWOOPED IN AND SAVED EVERYONE IN THE CAFETERIA.

Dir. Lague: Did you notice that this folder contained important information? You must've! It says classified right here!

SCP-5595: AFTER CONFISCATING THE FOLDER FROM WHO I LATER LEARNED WAS AN INTERN IN THE FINANCE DEPARTMENT — PLEASE TELL HIM I SAY "MY BAD." I DIDN'T MEAN FOR HIM TO BE FIRED — I LOOKED AT THE PAPERS, I LIKE TO CALL THAT INSPECTING THE ODDITY. I ACTUALLY RAN SOME NUMBERS FOR YOU.

Dir. Lague: This is utterly ridiculous, you don't have arms. Why are you even wearing glasses? Who put those on you?

SCP-5595: I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH, BEAST. I CAN INSULT YOU TOO. YOU DON'T HEAR ME CALLING YOU A GHASTLY, LANDLESS BASTARD. I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT. IF WE COULD GET BACK ON TRACK I'D LIKE TO FINISH SPINNING MY WEB.

Dir. Lague: Go ahead.

SCP-5595: YOUR DISTRIBUTION OF FUNDS IS, AS THE KIDS SAY, WACK. I ASKED AROUND AND FOUND WE HOLD ABOUT 130 VARIOUS ANOMALIES. WHY DO YOU HAVE 50% OF THE FUND GOING INTO CONSTRUCTION WHEN ONLY 90 OF THOSE CELLS ARE FILLED? SPLIT THAT COST INTO OVERALL CONTAINMENT AMENITIES, GIVE YOUR EMPLOYEES A RAISE, AND YOU CAN TAKE REST THE SURPLUS FOR YOURSELF. MAYBE GO SOMEWHERE EXOTIC LIKE HAWAII OR SIBERIA.

Dir. Lague: Doing the funds is my job! Not yours. Stay out of it, last warning.

SCP-5595: YOU KNOW WHAT, NOW I WILL INSULT YOU. YOU, PAUL WALTER LAGUE, ARE A GHASTLY, LANDLESS BASTARD. I JUST GAVE YOU 200,000 DOLLARS FREE OF CHARGE. I TOLD YOU I WAS A GOOD ASSET.

Dir. Lague: Enough. You're staying in here for a week.

SCP-5595: YOU'RE NEITHER MY FATHER NOR ARE YOU GIANT GUMBALL THAT CONTROLS THE CLOUDS. I HAVE LAWYERS. WE BOTH KNOW YOU'RE GOING THROUGH WITH MY PROPOSITION. JUST LET ME HELP YOU.

Dir. Lague: (Sigh) Listen, I appreciate the help, I really do. But — here's the thing, the Foundation is really against letting their anomalies into the workforce. It's an old-school mentality yeah, but you wouldn't imagine the teeth I had to pull to get you in the cafeteria. There's no reason to keep you isolated, but I may not have a choice.

SCP-5595: ASK EVERYONE IN THE CAFETERIA. I ADMIT I WAS A BIT RUDE WHEN DR. CRESS TRIED TO USE ME AS A HARLOT.

Dir. Lague: What does that even mean?

SCP-5595: HE ATTEMPTED TO PURCHASE A GUMBALL FROM ME. HE DIDN'T EVEN ASK FIRST. I FELT LIKE I HAD THE RIGHT TO BE ANGRY THERE. BUT I AM A CONSIDERATE PERSON.

Dir. Lague: Listen, I apologize for getting upset with you. I'm not the biggest fan of feeling out of control. I was put in this job because I was told I had potential, hell, I was the youngest site-director promotion in the history of the Foundation. Pressure builds when that's how you're known.

SCP-5595: I WOULD LIKE TO HELP YOU.

Dir. Lague: Just — I'll see what I can do. Sit tight.

«END LOG»

A short meeting attended by the Site-322 staff was held, wherein a discussion regarding the possibility of allowing SCP-5595 to work in an assistant position was discussed. A majority was reached, mostly consisting of the frequenters of the aforementioned A proposition was drafted, sent to the Ethics Committee and Security Department, and later approved.

Currently, SCP-5595 operates as Dir. Lague's anomaly insight supervisor and personal financial assistant.

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