SCP-5264.
Item #: SCP-5264
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-5264 are to be contained in an air-tight plastic bag and stored in the fridge located in Lab 3, and may only be removed for testing.
Any phone calls made to personnel claiming to be or acquaintanced with 'Chef Lorance' are to be dismissed and traced immediately. Chef Lorance has yet to be contained.
Description: SCP-5264 are a group of swelling brussels sprouts, containing large pockets of air and various spices1, bursting when placed in water or held over heat. The produce does not seem to rot while contained but deflates when exposed to oxygen or stomach acid, secreting the spices. SCP-5264 has appeared in multiple television advertisements by 'Lory's Kitchen' showing various meals using the product 'Splodin' Sprouts', and have been sought after by a man named Chef Foyer Lorance while SCP-5264 are in containment.
Addendum 64.1 - Discovery
SCP-5264 were discovered in advertisements featuring 'Lory's Kitchen' and from various positive reviews about the restaurant located in Cannes, France. The entity named 'Chef Lorance' prepared meals in front of guests at an alarmingly fast pace, which guests described as 'not physically possible' and 'crazy as hell'. Chef Lorance reportedly only worked with two other employees, whose identities are unknown. The restaurant was investigated after reviews on social media reported sudden health and safety violations including stomachaches, diarrhoea, and burns when residual brussels sprouts hit guests in the face. Chef Lorance had commented that 'what was happening was new' and 'someone must have messed with my food'.
A note was found on top of the pile of SCP-5264 at the time of discovery in Lory's Kitchen.
This is for Lorance, you musty baboon,
I've been a loyal friend and employee to this restaurant for God knows how long and frankly I'm sick and tired of it. 'What're we making today Lancy?' 'Sprouts'. 'What's todays special?' 'You're not gonna believe it!' I am so, so tired and even if it's a better pay than most jobs, money isn't cutting the deal here. It's your attitude. You're obsessed with them. Completely head-over-heels for a little green condensed cabbage of GARBAGE. I've long since gotten used to the smell but the thing is, I'm worried, actually.
I'm calling to this guy I know, some investigator, about the sprouts because they are pretty peculiar, yes, and I wonder how you grow them, but mostly because I want you to get away from them. You need distance from those brussels, Foyer, they're bad for you. You spend all your time cooking them with no regard for your own health! Anything is bad in moderation.Oh, and also I'm opening a pizza chain down the street and I don't want competition.
~Toodles!
Addendum 64.2 - Advertisements
Recordings of advertisements show Chef Lorance making meals using 'Splodin' Sprouts and various other vegetables:
"[Singing] ~Lory's Kitchen, the secret recipe,
Watch how they bubble, watch how they gleam!
Exploding brussels, and delicious cream!
Order now and you'll see what I mean!~Come to Lory's Kitchen to see the new way to cook vegetables! Try our new Spicy Chicken and our new 'Splodin' Sprouts today!"
"It's Chef Lory! Hooray!
Hey, friends! Check this out!"
[The advertisement shows Chef Lorance throwing SCP-5264 in the air, bursting them, and letting them fall onto a plate of roasted ham and mashed potatoes]
"I've been making all sorts of dishes since I was a young child, imbued with the magical powers of…passion! How? With practise, and why? Because I love to! Cooking has always been my talent. And I don't trust anyone with my food except myself! Come down and see me work my magic with my new 'Splodin Sprouts and other delicious meals!"
The advertisements were discontinued before the closure of Lory's Kitchen on 05/06/2006.
Addendum 65.3
Multiple researchers have claimed to be receiving phone calls on their personal devices from an unknown number, tracing back to payphones located in Cannes, France.
"Hi! It's Lory. I'm a little confused as to why you keep hanging up whenever I try to discuss the brussels sprouts with you. The thing is, I just really, REALLY need them back for my cooking! They're the highlight of my entire cooking career, those sprouts, and if I don't get them back I'll just as well grow more myself! If I can. I don't remember how to, you know? They just showed up. You can pry these sprouts from my cold, dead hands and yet you still won't be able to harness the true power of the sprout! Oh…sorry…did that get a bit awkward? …Bye."
"Haha, Hi, it's Lorance. I want to discuss the sprout with you. Yea. The 'splodin ones…Can I have them back? Please? I won't get too flashy with them like last time, I swear! No? Will, is that you? Who's Will? Aw Curry don't get smart with me now-"
"I don't get it. Hello? I'm still mad. Normal folk can't handle a little danger for some good food, huh? Do you know what ah…social media is? People are leaving some pretty filthy reviews on there, and I'm scared it'll bring the inspector on us. All I want is to cook, Will. That's all I want. But people just have to make it…difficult…for kooks like us. Do you think someone did it on purpose..?"
"Hello, is this Curry? Listen to me, Will. It's…Lorance. I know you want me out of business. We all know it. But why would you do something so disgraceful as to take another chef's recipe? You're a lowlife and a fraud, and if I see you even touching my sprouts with your greasy little pizza fingers, I won't be afraid to shut things down once and for all."
"Hello, Will? I'd be dying to know where my sprouts are… I just need a couple, please. Have some sympathy. My business is ruined because something went wrong with my latest batch and now I'm stuck. Come on, we were partners…Curry please, I just want to cook for people. You know?… Watch how they bubble, watch how they gleam~…
"WILL!…You beautiful man! Where are my veggies? Where are they? I know you got them in the Foun- the…yea! You know, I bet we could cook something right now. I mean me. You!
[There is audible crashes and the sound of coins dropping]
Ah my change! Get back here I gotta keep talkin' to Wi- oof! Me noggin! Ah, fuck! My drink! …Whatever. You know my number, call me if you want, but I know where my damned sprouts are. If I don't get them back they're coming with me anyway. Bye."
Addendum 65.4
On 23/04/2010, SCP-5264 began to decompose after 4 years without any sign of past decomposition. The sprouts appear to have deflated entirely and shrunken in size. Further tests proved that the group of SCP-5264 did not explode anymore.
After being presumed missing since 17/09/2006, the body of Chef Foyer Lorance washed up on the shores of Plage du Midi, Cannes on the 20/04/2010.
