SCP-3926
rating: +12+x
saturday%20evenings.png
Title card of SCP-3926

Item #: SCP-3926

Item Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3926 has no traceable broadcasting location and cannot be brought into Foundation custody. Containment of SCP-3926 is focused on interrupting broadcasts. Members of MTF Upsilon-46 "Serial Listeners" are to observe local TV channels in centers of population previously affected by SCP-3926 broadcasts and interrupt them if deemed anomalous.

Under no circumstances is an episode of Saturday Evenings with your host, Tyal'k'nec! to be played onsite by anyone other than MTF Upsilon-46.

One subject affected by SCP-3926 (SCP-3926-1) in Stage 2 is to be kept in a standard 7m by 7m humanoid containment cell for testing purposes.

If SCP-3926-1 begin to organize and attempt to achieve the goals stated in SCP-3926, violent response is necessary. Standard Foundation cover story ATY-3███ (Mass rioting) is to be used as an explanation.

Description: SCP-3926 is an anomalous TV talk show dubbed Saturday Evenings with your host, Tyal'k'nec! hosted by a reptilian humanoid, referred to as Tyal'k'nec. Tyal'k'nec has been described by viewers as "charismatic", "humorous", "caring", and "loving". The set of SCP-3926 is standard with other low-budget TV talk shows. SCP-3926 is filmed live with a studio audience of SCP-3926-1. Camera quality is very low, with recording equipment likely being from the 1980s.

SCP-3926 broadcasts follow a set pattern. Tyal'k'nec begins to talk about issues in the world. Tyal'k'nec's "issues" have to do with humans as a species. The audience will show that they agree. For the rest of the broadcast, Tyal'k'nec will "preach" about itself and how it must gain influence and power. (See Addendum-1)

Human subjects who view 3 or more SCP-3926 broadcasts will begin to sympathize with Tyal'k'nec. Transfer to SCP-3926-1 occurs 12-14 hours after viewing 3 or more SCP-3926 broadcasts. SCP-3926-1 will respond angrily to other humans who speak poorly about Tyal'k'nec. Humans in stage 1 of SCP-3926-1 are still genetically human, the only difference being the support for Tyal'k'nec and its goals.

After 2-3 days of being in Stage 1 of SCP-3926-1, subjects will begin to "molt", beginning Stage 2. A bed is made from phlegm and other bodily fluids excreted from SCP-3926-1's mouth. SCP-3926-1 will lay down in this bed, assume the fetal position, and begin shivering. In a varying amount of time, the subject will shed their human skin. The final product of SCP-3926-1's evolution is a pale green humanoid, lacking facial features and genitalia. SCP-3926-1 in Stage 2 will preach Tyal'k'nec's ideas and goals. Stage 2 SCP-3926-1 instances preaching to human subjects have no direct effect on turning them into SCP-3926-1. In most recorded cases, attempts of conversion made by SCP-3926-1 will entail subjects demanding that people watch Tyal'k'nec's show. Stage 2 SCP-3926-1 will attempt to forcibly convert humans if Tyal'k'nec or any idea of its is talked about in a negative light in front of them.

A currently unknown number of SCP-3926-1 communities exist. Instances of SCP-3926-1 are encouraged to flock to these communities via advertisements on local channels used to broadcast Saturday Evenings with your host, Tyal'k'nec! (See Addendum-2) A seperate detatchment of MTF Upsilon-46 has been tasked with the containment of these communities. As of 3/12/████, █ communities have been contained.

As of 3/██/████, ██ instances of armed riots by SCP-3926-1 have been recorded, resulting in $█████ dollars of property damage and ██ Foundation personnel deaths.

Addendum-1: Transcription of Episode 39 of Saturday Evenings with your host, Tyal'k'nec!

Tyal'k'nec: Hello, my children, and welcome to another episode of Saturday Evenings! As always, I'm your host, Tyal'k'nec!

[wild applause from SCP-3926-1]

Tyal'k'nec: Alright now, calm down everyone! We've got serious issues to discuss.

[Tyal'k'nec stands up and walks to the front of the stage, pulls out sheet of paper and clears throat]

Tyal'k'nec: There's a big problem in this world. I think you all know what I'm gonna say it is. It's those bastard bipedals. Those pestiferous people. Those horrible humans! It's always them. For years and years, they've tried and tried and tried to lead their pathetic countries and kingdoms, but somehow they always mess it up. They'll blame the weather. They'll blame other people's ideas. They'll even blame their GOD! Their god, people! But, do you know what they haven't considered as a cause for their problems?

SCP-3926-1 in unison: HUMANITY!

Tyal'k'nec: Preee-cisely! HUMANITY! This is why I DESER- no, NEED to be at the helm here. You there. [points to member of audience] Let's talk about America. My country tis of thee, right? Tell me what you think about the President.

Member of SCP-3926-1: Well, personally, I think that he's simple.

Tyal'k'nec: There it is. Right there. Simple. That's all anyone is anymore. Simple. What humanity needs is a guy like me. And guys like you! All of you!

[Tyal'k'nec sits back at the desk]

Tyal'k'nec: To my new listeners, you may be asking yourself, "Why am I worthy of Tyal'k'nec's grace? What have I done to earn His voice? His unwavering light?" And the simple answer is, you're not worthy. YET! All you have to do to join me in eternity is tune in next week! Undergo your pilgrimage from your meager human form to the image that I, Tyal'k'nec created for you! Bask in my light. Feel my inviting fluids. Know what it is to be perfect. I know, I know. You're thinking, "This is a lot to take in." But I swear, once you abandon your chains and take my hand, all will be well.

[audience clicks in approval]

Tyal'k'nec: Now audience, my dearest audience, that audience that I hold so dear, I've got three things that we have to do and three things only. Can you remind me what they are?

SCP-3926-1 in unison: CULTIVATE! CONGLOMERATE! SUBJUGATE!

Tyal'k'nec: Remember, if you want to have a chance to see me live, be sure to say your Three Holy Words between the hours of 6:00 and 7:00! If you’re one of our lucky winners, your local Dr’y’niel Pod will bring you to our studio! That’s all for tonight, folks. Be safe out there, and as always, cultivate, conglomerate, and subjugate!

[camera pans out as all cheer, outro rolls and fades to black]

Addendum-2: Transcription of an advertisement for an unlocated SCP-3926-1 community.

[wide panning shot of about 30 small tin shacks in a heavily wooded area]

Narrarator: Are you one of Tyal'k'nec's own beauties living amongst the most vile of creatures?

[crude drawing of a Stage 2 SCP-3926-1 being kicked by a police officer]

[stop-motion clip of a clay Stage 2 SCP-3926-1 being shot at by plastic soldier figures]

Come to Prtz'chziek Shoals, a community of like minds!

SCP-3926-1 standing next to sign of Prtz'chziek Shoals: After I escaped the shackles of humanity, I felt like I was alone in the world. Humans everywhere, kicking me, hitting me, running away from me. It was awful! But then I found Prtz'chziek Shoals, a place where I can be me.

Narrarator: It can be hard to be a superior life form, we should all know this. The human world isn't fit for our people. In Prtz'chziek Shoals, every single facet of life is made for YOU!

SCP-3926-1 wearing work overalls: Yeah, Prtz'chziek Shoals has it all. Phlegm tans, outdoor chanting, Dr'y'niel pods for visiting the family, dedicated medical staff, it's great! I'd highly recommend moving here.

Narrarator: Couldn't have said it better myself, Ja'trity'ze'typoty'jziek! Not only can you live with the highest standard of quality assured on the planet, you can get a little alone time with the missus at our scenic Lake T'ke'epi!

[sunset on the lake, smooth jazz music plays as camera pans to 2 Stage 2 SCP-3926-1 thrashing on top of eachother]

Narrarator: With all of this considered, you simply GOTTA move here! Find a Dr'y'niel pod near you,

[crude map of lines with 17 yellow dots]

and say, "My holy master, lord of all that is good, King of Fluids Tyal'k'nec, take me to Prtz'chziek Shoals!"

[wide shot of inhabitants of Prtz'chziek Shoals waving to the camera as screen fades to black]

Addendum-3: Interview with a Stage-2 SCP-3926-1. Interviewer is Dr. Nielsen.

SCP-3926-1: Hello, unworthy.

Dr. Nielsen: Hello, SCP-3926-1. I have prepa-

SCP-3926-1: It's Dra'velyeah.

Dr. Nielsen: Standard procedure, I have to call you by your item number.

SCP-3926-1: If you insist, I give you permission to call my by something other than my Tyal'k'nec granted name, though you are wholly unworthy.

Dr. Nielsen: [pause] Right, that's okay. My first question is, how did you feel about losing your humanity?

SCP-3926-1: At first, I wasn't sure about it. It was a new experience, having my eyes opened to the flaws of your species. I turned the TV off right then and there. It made me uncomfortable, knowing that there was something leagues better inhabiting the same planet as me.

But, next week, I felt like I needed to watch more. At first, I was doing it so I could prove something to myself. Prove that humans really were better. But the points Tyal'k'nec made, they were indisputable. The way he said them made me feel warm, comfortable. I was willing to serve him for the rest of my life, as an inferior being. I felt fine with being inferior when he said it like the way he did. That week I felt real weird, had some kinda nasty congestion goin' on. Felt like I was wearing someone else's body.

So, Saturday night, I got a TV dinner, sat down, and tuned in. Laughed a bit, had a good time. Near the end of the episode, he turns to the camera, felt like he was staring right into my soul. He says, "You have the power to overcome your human form. Become how I made you. Inhabit my intended body!" I cried. I'm a strong guy, last time I had cried was when my mother died. But I tell you, I was bawling like a baby. I had my escape. I was free.

The next day, I was getting my coffee, when all of the sudden I start vomiting up this pale green shit. I remember Tyal'k'nec talked about it on the show. Phlegm, he called it. Said it was beautiful. It would help you be a better organism. It was like a firehose. All over the goddamn room. I slipped and fell, but I didn't want to get up. I could, but I had never felt anything so… peaceful. The phlegm had slowed to a trickle at that point. I was covered in it. I drifted off into this deep sleep, it was amazing.

So, I wake up. I'm feeling fresh and new. Great, it was! I walk into the bathroom, and see myself in the mirror. I was beautiful. Hell, I am beautiful. I laid down for an hour in my phlegm. Just enjoying myself. It was wonderful. I knew my new name already, it was in my mind: Dra'velyeah. Doesn't it just roll off the tongue, doc?

Dr. Nielsen: Mmhmm.

SCP-3926-1: I step outside, and immediately I feel the need to shout my love for Tyal'k'nec to the world. Driving into town, I got some weird looks, but that's okay. Tyal'k'nec said humans wouldn't be used to seeing the physical manifestation of perfection. I get on the street corner, on my soapbox, and start telling people to tune into Channel ██ every Saturday night to hear Tyal'k'nec speak. I did that for about an hour until some asshole stands next to me for a picture. I oblige him, because who wouldn't want their friends seeing them with one of Tyal'k'nec's own. I pat his back, tell him to tune in to Saturday Nights with Tyal'k'nec and send him on his way.

Then, this cocksuck says something alone the lines of, "Right, you loon." I yell back at him, asking him what he said. He says that he's got better things to do than to listen to some slimy bumpkin fuck preach every Saturday. I mean, can you believe it? Directly in front of me.

I'm overcome with this urge. I charge him and start vomiting phlegm all over him. Tyal'k'nec says never to stand idle near a nonbeliever. He's screaming, I'm screaming, everyone is screaming. I've almost got this guy onto Tyal'k'nec's side when you assholes nabbed me. That really wasn't cool.

Dr. Nielsen: You were killing him.

SCP-3926-1: Buddy, he was already dying. All of you are.

[SCP-3926-1 looks around and leans into Dr. Nielsen]

*whispering* I can get you outta that skin if you want. Just say the words. Join me in eternity.

Dr. Nielsen: That's enough. This interview is over.

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License