SCP-3806
rating: +116+x
cemetery.jpg

An instance of SCP-3806 in the ████████ County Cemetery. The phone number inscribed above the entrance has been blacked out for security reasons.

Item #: SCP-3806

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: Instances of SCP-3806 are to be secured with padlocks and automated surveillance systems. Should any unauthorized individuals gain or attempt to gain entry to any SCP-3806 instance, they are to be apprehended, debriefed, and administered Class-A amnestics.

Test subjects must be psychologically screened. Individuals with a recent or current history of depressive disorders and suicidal ideation are ineligible for testing. Foundation personnel may volunteer for testing, with preference being given to the terminally ill, elderly, and those working in fields with high mortality rates.

Description: SCP-3806 are mausoleums approximately the same dimensions as a telephone booth, with a 13-digit phone number inscribed above the entrance. These mausoleums are always found in cemeteries or graveyards where their appearance is unremarkable, with ███ known instances worldwide.

Within each instance is a rotary payphone, circa 1950, unconnected to any phone lines or power source. If an individual places a fiat coin of any denomination into the coin slot and dials the number written above the doorway, they will be connected to SCP-3806-A. No detectable signals are transmitted or received during these calls.

Auditory analysis of SCP-3806-A indicates it is most likely female, between the ages of 65 and 85, and suffers from Reinke's edema, presumably caused by long-term tobacco use. It will always speak to the caller in their native language and dialect. Simultaneous testing has resulted in callers being put on hold1, suggesting that SCP-3806-A is a singular entity confined to normal space-time.

SCP-3806-A claims to be a representative of an organization called the "Halls of Grandos", capable of arranging specific afterlives on behalf of their clients. These claims are currently unverified, although testing involving terminally ill Foundation personnel has revealed that arrangements to die at specific times can be fulfilled.

First Recorded Interview with SCP-3806-A:

Interviewer: Agent Mark Roland

Interviewee: SCP-3806-A

<Begin Log>

SCP-3806-A: Hello, and thank you for calling the Halls of…(SCP-3806-A coughs for several seconds)…Halls of Grandos. How may I help you today?

Agent Roland: I'm sorry, did you say Halls of Mandos, like from Tolkien's Legendarium?

SCP-3806-A: (pauses) You a lawyer?

Agent Roland: No.

SCP-3806-A: Good, because if I wanted to talk to a lawyer, I know where to find one. Believe me (coughs, and is then heard lighting a cigarette). Tolkien's stuff is protected by copyright until 2044, so until then we're the Halls of Grandos.

Agent Roland: I see. I assume based on your name and the location of this phone box that your organization has something to do with the afterlife.

SCP-3806-A: While you know what they say about assuming; it makes an ass out of u and me!

(SCP-3806-A laughs for several seconds before entering a coughing fit)

SCP-3806-A: You're not wrong though, son. Worst part about being mortal is the dying, obviously. Good news is you've got immortal souls. Bad news is that it's anyone's guess what happens to it. You can worship a god and hope that they're a) real, and b) will hold up their end of the bargain, but you might end up trapped in your own rotting corpse or wandering the astral plane until you're snatched up by the Scarlet King or…uh, you know, the Sarkic one? Yabba Dabba Do or something; you know what I'm talking about, right?

Agent Roland: I do, Ma'am. Are you saying you offer some kind of protection against these fates?

SCP-3806-A: You're 2 for 2 kiddo. We've made contracts with numerous cosmic entities who are both willing and able to shepherd mortal souls to their choice of afterlife. We tell you what afterlives we know about and how to get in to them. Our certified psychopomps will escort you to any afterlife you qualify for, and if you want they can even make sure you're reunited with dead loved ones.

Agent Roland: What do you charge for this service?

SCP-3806-A: Not a single obol. I don't know if you're aware of this, but there's a lot more mortals than there were just a few centuries ago, which means a lot more souls here on the astral plane. Combine your increased population with secularization, and you got a recipe for biblical numbers of displaced souls. Sure it's sad, but it was also bringing property values down, you know? Anyway, bunch of the Old Gods decide to have a gala, raise some funds, and here we are. You don't have to wander limbo for eternity and the Old Gods get a tax write-off.

Agent Roland: Makes sense to me. This service you offer, it occurs upon natural death?

SCP-3806-A: That's an option, or they could pick you up at a time of your choosing. The Reaper's busy, but he can squeeze you in right now.

Agent Roland: (pauses) I'll pass.

(SCP-3806-A breaks out into laughter again, followed by another coughing spell)

Agent Roland: So, what sort of afterlives are you offering?

SCP-3806-A: We got all kinds. There's traditional fluffy cloud heavens, Summerland if you want to still enjoy the pleasures of the flesh, Nirvana if you're seeking enlightenment, this weird desert place, reincarnation…

Agent Roland: Okay, I should probably ask some follow up questions about those but…but are there any 'cosmic entities' who recruit mortal souls to fight against some ultimate evil in a heavenly war?

SCP-3806-A: Yep, that would be Valhalla. Prove yourself a brave and virtuous warrior and the AllFather will welcome you into his ranks, and you can fight the Scarlet King or Yabba Dabba Do or whoever at the End of Days. Is that what you want?

Agent Roland: (pauses) I think so.

SCP-3806-A: (typing is heard) Okay Mr. Roland, I've marked that down. You should know that you don't qualify yet, but a victory over a superior foe that averts tragic death and destruction would be enough. Do you have a second pick in case…

Agent Roland: No, I'll do it. I'm in the right line of work for it.

SCP-3806-A: 'At's the spirit. Don't let your dreams be dreams. A Valkyrie will come to escort you to Valhalla upon your glorious death in combat!

Agent Roland: (softly) Thank you.

SCP-3806-A: Happy to help sonny. You have yourself a nice day now. Bye Bye.

(the call ends, and is followed by a 'dial tone' of Latin prayers until Agent Roland hangs up)

<End Log>

Addendum: Agent Roland has received an official reprimand for using this test for his personal benefit without authorization.

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