Item #: SCP-3467
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3467 is to be made fun of at every opportunity. Heckling, practical jokes, and pranks are good examples. Filming the more spectacular procedures is a must.
Description: SCP-3467 is a six (6) foot tall, two hundred (200) pound man eating chicken. Subject is thirty five (35), slightly balding, dark brown hair and eyes, and slightly overweight. Name is Hank ██████████, and he has worked as a Level 1 cleanup crew for the past three years. Hank is never seen without a bucket of chicken, and only stops eating it when actually working, which is a rare occurrence in itself.
It is known that Hank still lives in his mom's basement, and hearsay amongst the female staff is that he is still a virgin.
Additional Notes: All video footage of the more impressive "procedures" performed on Hank are available in the central reading area.
Document 3467-01: "Dammit guys, this isn't funny. The system still freaks out when I enter the building, and I don't have clearance to delete this stupid file. Thanks a lot, assholes." Hank ██████████
Document 3467-02: "Now this is a bit unfair. I mean, it's not his fault he's fat, balding, still lives with his mom and…. No, no, sorry, I can't say that with a straight face. Come on, alright, let me try it again, I'll do it proper this time, I promise." Dr.██████
Document 3467-03: In accordance with SCP protocols associated with this item, the following record of Special Containment Procedures carried out by Dr. Gears is submitted.
After Incident [DATA EXPUNGED]. With its incapacitation, SCP-682 regeneration was being monitored via a sealed observation booth. This booth projected twelve feet into the current containment area, constructed of transparent super dense plastic developed by [DATA EXPUNGED]. SCP-3467 was instructed to clean the observation booth. When SCP-3467 was at the far end to the booth, the security door was locked.
The sounds of SCP-3467 attempting to escape and Dr.Gears uncontrollable laughter attracted the attention of a 67% regenerated SCP-682. SCP-682 attempted to attack SCP-3467; however its current state posed no danger to the structural stability of the booth.
Dr. Gears observed SCP-3467 to emit a loud, extremely high-pitched scream not unlike a small female child. SCP-3467 proceeded to whimper like said small child and ask for “Mommy”. SCP-3467 was instructed to “bark like a dog” if he wished to exit the booth. SCP-3467 proceeded to bark like a small, frightened canine for 48 seconds, after which the security door was opened.
It was observed that SCP-3467 had defecated himself at some point during the event.
Recordings of event are available via a request to Central Records, or Dr. Gears.
“He got on all fours when he barked; I didn’t even ask him to do that!” – Dr. Gears