Item #: SCP-333-J
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-333-J has been purchased from the owner through a front corporation and staffed with agents and researchers, who will keep detailed records of all anomalous events happening within SCP-333-J. Due to the high volume of transfer requests, no further agents will be stationed at SCP-333-J until further notice.
Description: SCP-333-J is a bar called Skippy's Corner Pub, located ten miles west of █████ ███, ██. Periodically, persons of various backgrounds and professions will be drawn into the bar to interact with either bar staff, patrons, or one another. Occasionally, various animals and objects have manifested to assist in these interactions. There seems to be no observable correlation between those affected to date, and the majority of affected persons have shown no ill effects due to exposure to SCP-333-J following their interaction with its effect.
The following log is a record of various interactions observed within SCP-333-J. Researchers are encouraged to investigate further and add their own findings.
Research Log 333-J
A man walks into the bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and says to the bartender, "If you give me a free bottle of beer I'll show you my dancing duck". The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a Bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he's doing an Irish jig.
Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck.
So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar.
The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of Bud on the house. As he gives the guy the Bud, the barman asks, "Could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box?"
The man replies, "Oh that's easy, you just take the hot coals out."
Notes: What a ducking travesty. -Agent █████
A pony walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, may I have a drink?"
Bartender says, "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!"
"May I please have a drink?"
"What? You have to speak up!"
"Could I please have a drink?"
"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."
"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."
Notes: Obviously, it was a shetland punny. -Agent █████
A blind man walks into the bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around.
The bartender speaks up and says, "Hey, what the hell are you doing?"
The blind man says, "Just taking a look around."
Notes: An insufferable booze hound. -Agent █████
A guy walks into the bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
Notes: I got nuttin' for that. -Agent █████
A guy walks into the bar with a newt on his shoulder and orders a drink.
The Bartender says, "Nice pet, what's his name?"
"His name is Tiny," the man replies.
"Why do you call him that?"
"Because, he's my newt."
Notes: … Agent █████
Notes: Okay. That one's a little funny. Agent █████
An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.
The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."
The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."
The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"
The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"
The bartender answers, "A rose?"
"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"
A man walks into the bar. He has a seat, and the surly bartender stomps over and rudely asks the man what he wants. "Actually I don't want a drink", says the man. "I want to make a bet. I bet you fifty dollars I can lick my left eye." Confused, but knowing the improbability, the bartender says, "You're on!" The man proceeds to remove his glass eye and lick it. Angry but admitting defeat, the bartender pays him.
"I'd like to make another bet," says the man. "I bet $100 I can bite my right eye." Knowing he couldn't possibly have two glass eyes, and wanting to win his money back, the bartender agrees. The man takes out his false teeth, then uses them to bite the other eye. Now really angry, the bartender gives him $100. The man then leaves the bartender alone and walks around the bar chatting it up and drinking with the other patrons.
They all talk, drink, and share a huge laugh while the bartender stews about his lost money. The man staggers back and says, "Tell ya what, I'll bet you all the money I won, but DOUBLE, that I can pee in that shot glass from here without spilling a drop!" The bartender looks at the shot glass, which is a good 10 feet away, and knows for a FACT this cannot be done. He boldly replies, "Double? $300 and not a single drop outside the glass? You have a bet!"
The man positions himself on the bar, unzips, then begins to urinate. The urine goes all over the bar, the counter, even the bartender himself. The bartender laughs and says, "All right, you lost fair and square, now pay up!" Calmly, the man pulls out $300 and hands it to the bartender. He goes around the bar talking to the patrons again, and comes back looking joyful. The bartender asks, "Why are YOU so happy? You just lost $300!"
"Because I bet everyone else here $100 each that I could piss all over your bar, on your counter, even on you, and you wouldn't get mad."
Notes: Next time something like this happens I'm intervening. Agent ██████
Notes: Go for it. Better they piss on you than me. -Agent █████
A monkey, a vampire, and a dozen soldiers walk into a bar. The monkey says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Notes: I don't get it. -Agent █████
Notes: Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to request the use of SCP-076-2 or Mobile Task Force Omega-7 for testing test SCP-333-J under any circumstances. Furthermore, Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to refer to SCP-076-2 as a "vampire" in his reports.
A man walks into the bar and pulls from his jacket a tiny man and an equally tiny piano. The tiny man plays the piano perfectly, to the amusement of the crowd. The bartender asks the man how he got him.
The man shows the bartender a magic lamp and offers to sell it for one hundred dollars to which the bartender agrees. A genie appears from the lamp and offers one wish. The bartender asks for "a million bucks".
Moments later, the entire bar is filled with an insane number of ducks. After the bar is evacuated, the bartender tells the man, "Dammit, I asked for a million bucks! Not ducks! Bucks!"
The man says, "Tell me about it. Do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"
Notes: Damn right. What am I supposed to do with this room full of gorgeous snowmen? -Agent █████
Notes: The location of both lamp and genie after destruction of the megaflock could not be determined. Provisional designation SCP-███ has been made, pending retrieval.
A priest, a rabbi, and a humpback whale walk into the bar. After a few minutes, they've got the bartender's attention and are ready to get their drinks. The bartender asks them, "What'll you have?"
The priest says, "Well, I've accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior, so I'll have some sacramental wine."
The bartender serves him his drink and then looks to the rabbi and asks him what he'll have.
"Well," the rabbi orders, "I believe that our messiah has not yet comes, so I'd like a glass of your finest manischewitz."
The bartender nods and then, finally, looks at the humpback whale. "And what about you, big guy?" he asks with a friendly smile.
And the whale says, "OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO~!"
Notes: So I served him Seagram's. -Agent █████
Notes: In retrospect, we should have noticed something was up as soon as a whale walked into the bar. Agent ███████
Man walks into the bar.
Notes: Medic team arrives approximately ██ after incident. Male treated for concussion.
Notes: Why was that bar hanging at head height? - Agent ███████
Notes: We've sure lowered the bar around here. -Agent █████
Notes: He'll never pass the bar that way. -Agent ███████
Notes: Barring that, this was a pretty good joke. -Agent ██████
Notes: All agents involved in this incident KIA due to [REDACTED]. See Addendum 333-J-01 for further information.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse in the corner, with a glass jar stuffed with twenty dollar bills. The guy orders a drink and asks the bartender what the deal is with the horse. The bartender says, "Simple, you put a twenty in the jar, and if you can make the horse laugh, the jar is yours." The guy thinks about it a few minutes, puts a twenty in the jar, and whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse immediately busts out laughing, and the guy takes the jar, finishes his drink, and leaves.
A few weeks later the guy goes back to the same bar, where the same horse is in the corner with a new jar of twenties. The guy orders a drink and asks about the horse, and the bartender says, "Put a twenty in, and this time, you get the jar if you can make the horse cry." The guys thinks a while, and after a couple drinks, puts a twenty in the jar and whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse gives the guy a funny look, and a moment later starts bawling.
The guy takes the jar back with him to the bar, and the bartender says, "Man, I have never seen anyone make that horse laugh or cry. What in the world did you say to it?"
The guys says, "To make the horse laugh, I told him my dick was bigger than his. To make him cry, I proved it."
Notes: According to the bartender, the guy said his name was Willie Johnson. -Agent ████████
Notes: What an enormous prick. -Agent █████
A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.
"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.
He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice again.
“Hey mister! Sweet shoes!”
Again, he looks around, sees nothing but a bartender who is busy attending to other customers. Shaking his head, he sips once more.
“Hey mister! Cool shirt!”
He puts down his drink, frustrated at this phantom voice, and signals to the bartender, who comes over.
“Hey barkeep,” he begins, “what is that high-pitched voice I keep hearing?”
“Oh, those are the peanuts,” he replies. “They’re complimentary.”
Notes: Unfortunately, he still had to pay for them. -Agent █████
A woman walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives her one.
Notes: Never heard about that one in my mixology classes. -Agent ████████
Notes: Oh, it's easy. Two fingers, and shake it. -Agent █████
A man walks into the bar. It's quite noisy, so he calls out to the bartender and shouts "Eight beers please, mate!". A while later, the bartender gives him four beers.
The man looks at the quatro of beverages a bit befuddled, and says "I ordered eight beers, man!"
"You held up four fingers."
"Well, I used to have enough to order eight, but then I got a job at the sawmill…"
The bartender apologizes and gets him four more beers. "On the house."
A while later, the man has finished his drinks, and he has to piss something awful. So he goes up to the bartender and asks him if there's a bathroom here.
"Sure, mate. Right over there." says the bartender, pointing at the men's room.
The man looks a bit shifty, then asks in a hushed tone, "Don' you have a… ladies' room 'round here?"
"Now why do you want that?"
"Well, I used t' be able to use the men's room, but then I got a job at th' sawmill…"
Notes: Jokes like this are seriously hurting the lumber industry. Who wood want that job after hearing this joke? -Agent █████
Notes: Are you saying this joke should be cut? -Agent ███
Notes: OSHA-ure. -Agent █████
A butcher walks into the bar, and looks around. He smiled, then waved at a number of his friends. The butcher then goes on to order a round of beers for his mates that just walked in, when he stopped and stared at the last person to sit down.
The bartender, wary of violence, looked over the newcomers and noticed that each was carrying a piece of meat. The person the butcher was staring at looked nervous and stood up.
He tried to hide his cut of meat behind his back, but failed when the butcher reached over and grabbed it. The meat flopped sadly around in his hand, gray and forlorn.
The butcher suddenly turned beet red and threw the meat out the door. Grabbing the poor soul's shirt, he dragged him along the floor, grabbed a ham hock from out of his backpack, and started to beat him. After a few seconds, the butcher picked up the offender, punched him in the face, and threw him out of the bar.
The bartender gasped, appalled by the sudden burst of violence, and asked, "What did you do that for?"
The butcher takes one look at the bartender and replies, "Why, he just didn't make the cut."
Notes: You have to stop jokes like this. I don't think you realise what's at steak! -Agent █████
Notes: Yeah, we'd better ground ourselves before this gets way too out of hand. -Agent ████████
Notes: Why? I'd say this definitely made the grade. -Agent ███████
Notes: Hey you guys. I don't want to get out the Tenderizer, but I'll be forced to if this doesn't stop. I find this udderly unamoosing. -Agent ██████
A cowboy walks into a completely empty bar and orders a whiskey. As the bartender pours his drink, he asks, "Is it always this slow?"
"Naw," says the barkeep. "Everyone's just gone to the hanging. They finally caught Newspaper Pete."
"Newspaper Pete?" the cowboy asks. "What kind of a name is that?"
"One that fit him. He always wore a newspaper hat, a newspaper shirt, newspaper trousers, newspaper shoes…"
"Oh. What're they hanging him for?"
Notes: That must have been front page noose. -Agent █████
Notes: Mob justice isn't usually this black and white. -Agent █████
Notes: I knew newspapers were a dying medium, but this is ridiculous. -Agent ████
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. "Want a beer, buddy?" the bartender asks.
"I think not," Descartes replies… and promptly vanishes.
Notes: I drink, therefore I am. -Agent █████
A man storms into a bar, orders a drink, slams it back in one, and stands up to declare to all present: "I just want everyone to know that lawyers are assholes."
"Hey!" yells a guy in the back of the bar. "I take exception to that!"
"What," the first man snarls, "are you a lawyer?"
"No! I'm an asshole."
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One of them orders a drink while the other sits down at a table. Suddenly, three men stand up from a nearby table and begin attacking the sitting peanut mercilessly before fleeing from the bar. The peanut is carried out of the bar by his fellow.
Notes: Obviously, one must have been a [REDACTED]. -Agent ███████
A bear walks into a bar. He sits down and looks to the bartender, and asks, "May I have a gin?" After several seconds, it added, "And tonic?"
"Of course you can," the bartender says. "But why the pause?"
He waved his arms at the bartender and said, "Because I'm a bear!"
Notes: A real kodiac moment. -Agent █████
A C-note, an Eb-note, and a G-note walk into the bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors."
The C-note turns to the Eb-note and says, "I told you to act natural!"
Notes: That ended on a rather silly note. -Agent ███
Notes: I think this joke fell flat. -Agent ███████
Notes: I dunno. It struck a chord with me. -Agent █████
Notes: I'm just glad they didn't start any treble with the barkeep. -Agent █████
A mushroom walks into the bar and for the rest of the night is the center of attention as everyone has a good time.
After he left all the patrons agreed that he was a fun guy.
Past, Present, and Future walk into the bar
Notes: Man, the mood was tense after they showed up. -Agent ██████
Two pieces of string walk into the bar. One string asks for a beer but the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
The string that made the order walks out. The second string begins writhing on the floor in order to tatter its ends and tie itself up. It then also asks for a beer.
The bartender says, "Didn't you hear me the last time I said we don't serve your kind here?"
The string replies with, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Notes: Like I haven't heard that line before - Agent ███
A leper walks into the bar with a pet chimp in hand. The barkeeper takes a look at the pair and says "Hey, you get that thing out of here. We don't serve them here."
The chimp looks at the leper then back to the barkeep and responds, "Come on. Give him a break. He's wasting away over here."
Notes: You should've seen the tip that guy left. -Agent █████
Notes: Turns out the monkey just keeps the leper around to give him a hand. -Agent █████
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under one arm. He says, "I'll have a beer please, And one for the road!"
An anomalously large hydrogen atom enters the bar and hovers around erratically, claiming to have lost an electron. After helping it look for several minutes, the bartender asks, "Are you sure you lost it?"
The atom says, "Yes, I'm positive."
A set of jumper cables walks into the bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "OK, I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A bird flies into a bar. The bartender then promptly serves it a drink. The bird started to fly away, but then the bartender grabbed it and said "We don't allow cheep skates."
Notes: Now you're really winging it. -Agent ███
An Agent walks into the bar on a Thursday and orders three beers. The bartender thinks nothing of it and goes about his business. The Agent finishes his alcohol, pays his tab, and leaves.
Come the next Thursday, the Agent again returns to the bar, orders three beers, drinks, pays, and leaves. So the bartender decides that the Agent must be a regular, and decides to see if he returns the following week. Sure enough, he does, so the bartender decides to ask the Agent about his drinking practices.
The Agent says, "I have two brothers, and we used to go out on Thursday to drink. One is a researcher at Site-██, and the other is in Mobile Task Force [REDACTED]. We've agreed that we'll all drink the other brother's beers until we're all together again."
The bartender nods and gets back to work. For the next several months, the Agent continues to order his three beers, until one day, he only orders two.
The bartenders thinks the worst has happened and asks, "Is everything ok?"
"Yeah, everything's fine," the Agent replies.
"Well, you usually order three beers. Are your brothers ok?"
"Oh, yeah, that. Well, I got reassigned to SCP-████, and the containment procedures say I can't drink. These are my brothers' beers."
An Agent walks into the bar and orders an Irish Car Bomb.
12 Foundation Agents were killed and a further 17 were wounded.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel protruding from the front of his pants. When questioned by the bartender, he explains "Yaarrr!! It's drivin' me nuts!"
A man walks into the bar with a giraffe. They consume many rounds of drinks, until the giraffe is passed out on the floor. The man stands up to leave the bar, and the bartender calls after him "Hey! You can't just leave that lying there!".
The man replies "That's no lion, it's a giraffe!"
A skeleton without any arms walks into the bar. The bartender says "Is this a joke? Because I don't find it humerus."
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
A zombie limps into the bar. A panicked patron attacks him with a machete and cuts off his left arm and left leg, then flees. The bartender rushes to the zombie and asks, "Are you ok sir?"
The zombie replies, "Don't worry, I'm all right."
Notes: I feel as if I've been left out of the joke. -Agent ██
Notes: This encounter would have gone a lot differently had the zombie been armed. -Agent ███
Addendum 333-J-01: Under no circumstances may SCP-504 be taken within 10 km of SCP-333-J. -O5-█