Item #: SCP-294
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: There are no standard special containment procedures on file for Item SCP-294. However, only personnel of security clearance level 2 or higher are allowed to interact with it (see document SCP-294a). SCP-294 is currently being stored in the 2nd floor personnel break room and is monitored by two guards of security clearance level 3 at all times.
Description: Item SCP-294 appears to be a standard coffee vending machine, the only noticeable difference being an entry touchpad with buttons corresponding to an English QWERTY keyboard. Upon depositing fifty cents US currency into the coin slot, the user is prompted to enter the name of any liquid using the touchpad. Upon doing so, a standard 12-ounce paper drinking cup is placed and the liquid indicated is poured. Ninety-seven initial test runs were performed (including requests for water, coffee, beer, and soda, non-consumable liquids such as sulfuric acid, wiper fluid, and motor oil, as well as substances that do not usually exist in liquid state, such as nitrogen, iron and glass) and each one returned a success. Test runs with solid materials such as diamond have failed, however, as it appears that SCP-294 can only deliver substances that can exist in liquid state.
It is of note that after approximately fifty uses, the machine would not respond to further requests. After a period of approximately 90 minutes, the machine seemed to have restocked itself. It is also interesting to note that many caustic liquids that would have eaten through a normal paper cup seemed to have no effect on the cups dispensed by the machine.
Further testing is scheduled, especially for liquids of extreme temperatures such as molten metals and liquid nitrogen. As suggested, SCP-294 was moved to the 2nd floor personnel break room as a money-saving venture. Following incident 294-01, guards were stationed at the item and a security clearance became necessary to interact with it.
Document SCP-294a (regarding incident 294-01): On August 21, 2005, Agent Joseph ██████ attempted to utilize Item SCP-294 to obtain coffee during his alloted break time at 9:30 AM. At the request of Agent █████ █████████ "to see what it would do", ██████ requested "a cup of Joe" from the item. Moments after confirming the selection, Agent Joseph ██████ began to sweat profusely and complained of dizziness before collapsing. After being moved to the infirmary, the medical team recovered the contents of the cup dispensed by Item SCP-294; a foul-smelling combination of blood, bits of flesh, and other various bodily fluids. Most disturbingly, testing revealed the DNA sequence of the biological material dispensed by Item SCP-294 matched that of Agent ██████.
Agent ██████ made a complete recovery in the infirmary after four weeks of rest and intravenous hydration. X-rays and CAT scans showed no further signs of injury, and ██████ was released. Both agents were reprimanded. Recommend additional security placed in the area of Item SCP-294.
Addendum [SCP-294f]: After reviewing documentation on SCP-294, ███████████ suggested testing SCP-294's ability to 'retrieve' specific liquids from several distances. The theory [DATA EXPUNGED]. Included in ███████████ report was a suggestion of using SCP-294 as a method of assassination by draining a target's fluids. Use of SCP-294 in such a way is highly discouraged, primarily for the possibility of discovery.
Addendum [SCP-294g]: Attempts to use the paper cups delivered by SCP-294 to contain SCP-075's excretions resulted in failure. Apparently, the paper cups can only contain the liquid last selected in SCP-294's touchpad. Further testing of this phenomenon is scheduled.
Addendum [SCP-294h]: With the overseeing of O5-[DATA EXPUNGED] "a cup of SCP-075's excretion" was used as input. The product was proven to be the requested liquid and the cup was able to successfully contain the material. However, the report for incident 075-07 was acknowledged 2 hours after the test(See Addendum [SCP-075m]). A containment procedure breach had occurred exactly the same time this test was taking place, waking SCP-075 to its active stage. It was able to secrete an amount of basic solution equal to the capacity of a coffee cup before emergency containment procedure was applied and it was rendered passive. The liquid was not found in the post-incident investigation. Further testing of SCP-294 is suspended. Object Class changed to Euclid as of 17 April 2008, Keter suggested. Requesting new containment procedure.
Addendum [SCP-294h] Response: SCP-294 not qualified for Keter level. In light of this incident, however, all requests for any liquid beyond scope of normal consumables must be cleared by supervising staff before being punched in by the guards. Testing is cleared to resume.
Addendum [SCP-294i]: Researcher punched in request for "cup of gold". The machine promptly dispensed a cup of molten gold. Researcher requested similar precious materials with the same result. While the possibility of material gain is very high, an advisory is in place to only do so once per 3 months to avoid arousing suspicion (see Addendum [SCP-294f])
Addendum [SCP-294j]: Researcher punched in (from a safe range) request for "cup of anti-water". The machine hummed briefly, then displayed "OUT OF RANGE" on entry pad. It is theorized that SCP-294 has a limited range of collection, and cannot reach into alternate universes/dimensions.
Addendum [SCP-294k]: Researcher punched in request for "diamond". SCP-294 again briefly hummed, then displayed "OUT OF RANGE" on entry pad. This is the result the machine gives for all solid substances. As diamond is a solid crystalline form of carbon, it appears the machine will not dispense liquid carbon, as this does not result in a "diamond". When "cup of carbon" was subsequently punched in, the machine promptly dispensed a cup of liquid carbon. The melted carbon took over an hour to cool down to a safe temperature. Again, SCP-294 appeared to be immune to the damaging effects of the dispensed liquid. Testing for gaseous substances at room temperature have been suggested.
Addendum [SCP-294l]: Upon reviewing surveillance tapes, it was discovered that a newly recruited technician punched in request for "cup of air". The machine dispensed a cup of liquid air, which violently bubbled and evaporated. When researcher subsequently requested a "cup of carbon monoxide," a similar event happened, and technician █████ was found dead a few minutes later. Although it is fortunate that █████ was alone at the time, the lapse in security was noted.
Addendum [SCP-294m]: Teleportation testing for range of SCP-294's delivery has been initiated. A special novelty compound is currently being used, as there is a large unlikelihood of being replicated in nature, or for culture. It is a mixture of undisclosed ratios of ███████ brand bleach, █████ ██ ███ █ brand cola, MET-RX powder, and Garam masala. As this fluid is useless for any other purpose, we can control its manufacture and deployment. Dr █████ is the only person who knows its name and mixture ratio, but a contingency plan is in place in case of his demise.
Addendum [SCP-294n-01]: First test has been implemented. The fluid has been created, and placed in a sealed container 25 metres away from SCP 294. When asked for it, the fluid was dispensed successfully, and when the container was opened, the liquid was gone. Meetings are being held on what spacings should be used to test the range of SCP 294.
Addendum [SCP-294o-01]: Upon concerns of Keter qualities, Researcher ███ ██████, under observation of Level 4 clearance personal, keyed in a request of "The best drink I've ever had" and was dispensed a fluid similar in appearance to cola. The researcher identified it as a mixed drink he recalls having at a bar during his bachelor party, and was convinced it was the "best drink". It is important to note that ██████ did not know what ingredients were in the drink besides rum and cola. Further tests are scheduled to ascertain how SCP-294 gathers information.
Addendum [SCP-294o-01a]: After the previous test, Agent ████████ requested once again, under the same conditions, "the best drink I've ever had". SCP-294 delivered a dark fluid topped with white foam, which was later proved to be a regular vienna lager beer. The cup was printed with a color picture of five (5) men and two (2) women drinking beer in the beach; ████████ was one of them. In his briefing, Agent ████████ noted that his best drink ever was, indeed, a vienna lager beer at the beach with his friends. It is clear now that SCP-294 has the ability to directly gather information from someone's mind in an attempt to comply with the given conditions.
Addendum [SCP-294o-02]: 2 subjects keyed "My favorite drink" consecutively. A white fluid and a blue fluid were dispensed respectively. Upon consumption of their own "favorite", each subject were overcome by euphoria and began to display seizure-like behavior which lasted for approximately 12 minutes. After they calmed down, each subject tried the other's beverage. While extreme pleasure was observed for both, they insisted that their own drink was better. Far more shocking, however, was that analysis of the drinks identified 68 previously unknown substances, including 12 non-terrestrial elements. Upon these results, it is concluded that SCP-294 ability to gather information extends far beyond simple telepathy into a possibly omniscient ability to satisfy conditions. Motion to raise to Keter was denied, but all testing involving referential or descriptive statements has been forbidden under termination without authorization of O5 personal. Requests for testing inputs of "The greatest drink ever" and "A fluid that can kill SCP-682" have been taken under review.
Addendum [SCP-294q-01]: Subject keyed "the perfect drink." The machine dispensed a cup containing an odorless lavender liquid. After drinking the liquid, subject appeared to go into shock. Subject later committed suicide, leaving a note which read "I'm sorry, but at this point everything's just one big letdown." Requesting such a drink again is highly discouraged. None of the components of the drink have yet been identified.
Addendum [SCP-294s-01]: Subject keyed "Pan-Galactic ██████-███████." The machine dispensed a fluid, a dark yellowish-green in color, which effervesced and appeared to give off a vapor similar to that observed in the sublimation of dry ice. Subject drank what he called "a single minuscule sip" of the fluid; he later reported the taste as being somewhere between a gin and tonic, a margarita, and a glass of Scotch whisky. Upon swallowing, subject was seen to collapse. Dr. ██████ assisted subject to infirmary and asked for a description of symptoms. Subject reported a massive migraine-like headache, nausea, and mild disorientation, accompanied however by an incomparable feeling of euphoria. Aftereffects of euphoria and intoxication continued for 18 hours, during which time subject was under careful medical observation; aforementioned negative aftereffects also remained for 18 hours, after which time they worsened and persisted for an additional six hours. Subject requested a dose of SCP-500; request was denied and he was given Excedrin instead. Subject promptly consumed entire bottle of Excedrin. Despite Dr. ██████'s expectations, subject suffered absolutely no deleterious effects from overdose of acetaminophen and acetylsalicylic acid; subject instead reported prompt cessation of "hangover" within ten minutes of consumption. It is theorized that massive overconsumption of pain relievers is precisely what is necessary to counteract the ill effects of a ██████-███████. The fluid in question has been taken under study. Approximately 14 as yet unidentified compounds have been isolated, although not without some difficulty, as the liquid seems to react violently to metallic instruments; its effects on glass or — as subject's case shows — flesh are negligible, but it reacts as though it were an acid when it comes into contact with metal. Dr. ██████ considers it inadvisable at this time to allow any personnel to drink more than one sip of this fluid.
Addendum [SCP-294t-01]: Subject keyed in "something Cassy will like". The device was heard to hum for about three seconds, before dispensing an empty cup. Printed on the side of the cup was an image of a traditional soda fountain glass, filled with something brown, and topped with whipped cream. Upon introduction to SCP-085, it was identified by her as being a chocolate banana milkshake, and 'delicious'.
Addendum [SCP-294u]: Researcher keyed in "something that is not SCP-500 but has similar properties." SCP-294 produced a hot fluid smelling like coffee. Fluid given to Dr. ██████ for analysis. No healing properties discovered. Dr. ██████ complains that he is now inundated with requests to use fluid in experiments.
Addendum [SCP-294v]: Researcher keyed in "a cup of 1 g of acetylsalicylic acid dissolved in water", drank the delivered fluid, and reported a disminution of an ongoing headache. Further research is scheduled to explore the possibilities of using SCP-294 as an universal dispensary.
Addendum [SCP-294v-01]: Shortly after the previous test, several security guards and staff members were found lying around the base, intoxicated with assorted hallucinogen or stimulant drugs. A subsequent review of security footage from this day showed a guard with appropriate clearance keying in requests, among others, for "cup of tetrahydrocannabinol", "cup of methylendioximethamphetamine", "cup of lysergic acid diethylamide", and "cup of heroin". An inspection of his personal belongings revealed a hidden money stash, indicating he was using SCP-294 as his personal drug dealer. All staff members who purchased drugs were reprimanded, and the offending guard was demoted to Class D. The security breach was noted as well.
Addendum [SCP-294w]: Researcher keyed in request for "a cup of music". SCP-294 produced a clear, sparkling fluid that tasted vaguely alcoholic. When drunk, subject reported not hearing but 'feeling' a continuous sense of rhythm, and demonstrated the ability to move and even dance with a certain fluidity that he had not previously shown. Testing on other abstract concepts is continuing.
Addendum [SCP-294x]: Researcher keyed in request for "vanilla cake batter". Substance was tested and found to be homemade cake batter; sample was submitted for further testing.
Addendum [SCP-294x-01]: Sample was separated into smaller test samples; these were then placed in greased metallic cups and subjected to temperatures of 375 degrees F / 191 degrees C for approximately 15-20 minutes. Samples became golden-brown and emitted an aroma described by one researcher as "delicious". Requests for further physical examination of the samples, as well as requests for further dough sample production, are pending.
Addendum [SCP-294y]: Computer logs on SCP open server show researcher keyed in "Something that'll destroy SCP-682." Recovered video logs show a stream of a brightly glowing liquid pouring into the cup. Liquid increases in visual intensity to the point that the camera ceases to be capable of recording. All contact with Site ██ is lost at this time. An investigation concluded that Site ██ was completely vaporized, with the only remaining trace being a small clump of trees surrounding SCP-294. SCP-294 was promptly transferred to another containment site and held with identical containment procedures as before. Information about the incident is to be disclosed only to O5 personnel. Any further test involving SCP-682 will be forbidden under pain of demotion to Class D.
Addendum [SCP-294z]: Researcher keyed in request for "cup of lembas bread". After 20 seconds of grinding and gargling sounds, SCP-294 delivered a thick light brown fluid with a slightly granular texture, described by test subjects as a remarkably delicious bread crumb smoothie. Several test subjects drank each a very small sip of the fluid, and all of them reported a complete cessation of any sensation of hunger and fatigue, the latter both mental and physical. Chemical analysis found that not only the fluid was completely impervious to spoiling, but also, each gram of the fluid had an energy content of 47.3 kJ/g (11 kcal/g, 1236.67 BTU/oz) — as much as high octane gasoline — as well as an unusually high concentration of lipids, protein, vitamins, minerals and dietary fiber. The research report concluded with the observation that 15 g (0.52 oz) of the fluid were enough to keep a human nourished and active for three full days, and given its potential to feed an entire base with just a couple of cups from SCP-294, it greatly recommends the use of "cups of lembas bread" as SCP Foundation's staple food. Further analysis, however, found the bread to be from a regular French baguette, which suggests that SCP-294 did not delivered the requested material, but instead synthesized a mixture that had the same properties as the originally requested fluid
Addendum [SCP-294aa]: Researcher produced request for "Whatever the next person orders." Machine ground and vibrated continuously until another order was made, at which point two cups of the requisite beverage were deposited. Unfortunately, beverages were delivered simultaneously. Cleanup took two hours, and the researcher was told in a firm voice not to do it again.
Addendum [SCP-294ab]: During a mass security breach Agent ██████ requested "A Cup of Pertinent Medical Knowledge" while taking refuge inside the 2nd floor break room. Of the 4 Agents sheltering in the break room Agent ██████ was the only one of them which was not injured in any way. After a few moments SCP-294 poured a cup of clear green liquid, which Agent ██████ thereupon drank and set about mending the other Agents wounds in a highly efficient and trained manner. Agent ██████ had no prior medical knowledge before this event but after drinking the liquid from SCP-294 acted as if they had many hours of first hand experience treating combat wounds with limited resources. When later interviewed about the event Agent ██████ stated "After the cup of music thing, I thought it was at least worth a try." Agent ██████ no longer seems to have the medical training that the liquid provided and other attempts to gain so-called "Thinking Juice" have failed. Agent ██████ believes that it is because "The thing knew that if we couldn't mount an effective defense it would be destroyed pretty soon after us, the little bastard just wanted to save its own skin." Research is continuing.
Addendum [SCP-294ac]: Dr.████████ requested "My life story" from SCP-294; SCP-294 made humming noises and shook violently for approximately 3 minutes. Once the machine ended said vibrations, a heavily viscous, opaque black liquid was produced. Upon consumption, Dr.████████ reported that he remembered everything that had ever happened to him. After spending 48 hours inside of his office, Dr.████████ returned with a 538 page autobiography. Extensive reading of the autobiography is under consideration.
Addendum [SCP-294ad]: Researcher produced request consisting solely of the phrase, "Surprise me." Device produced a opaque cup containing normal water, later determined to have been superheated to about 200 degrees Celsius. Upon receiving vibration from transport, the contents of the cup turned into steam, violently spraying boiling water in a 2-meter radius. Researcher reported a quantifiable level of surprise at the occurrence.
