SCP-2718-J
rating: +47+x
hotelroom

Suite-2718-J-43, reserved for Dr. Lisle Naismith. Not pictured: ant farm, stripper pole, automated massage frame, scented candles, home theater.

Item #: SCP-2718-J

Object Class: Thaumiel

Special Containment Procedures: The portal to SCP-2718-J is to be kept at Area-2718 in a fortified containment bunker 50 km under Mt. Avsugning, Sweden. In the event of a pending K-class scenario, the bulkhead to SCP-2718-J is to be permanently sealed, and all containment staff are advised to cross their fingers.

Due to limited resources available for the SCP-2718-J program, applicants for SCP-2718-J candidacy are to submit the following to O5 Command:

  • A cover letter.
  • A urine sample, 500 mL, for drug testing.
  • A ten-page essay, double-spaced, in 12-point Times New Roman, on the subject of "Why I deserve a nice, cozy afterlife more than Little Cindy Masterson, 7, of Madison, WI, who says her prayers every night and donated her birthday money to the Red Cross." No fewer than 3 works cited are to be included, in MLA format; no sources are to be taken from Wikipedia.
  • $5,000,000, cash.
  • Five letters of recommendation from Level 4 Foundation Personnel.
  • A full CV, including records of all donations, life achievements, random acts of kindness, and other relevant criteria.
  • A receipt of a score of "perfect" or higher on the Naismith-Henderson Personnel Decency Placement Exam on the first try.
  • One liter of desperate tears you've shed in the application process, to demonstrate effort.
  • The correct answers to three riddles provided by an approved Application Gremlin, located in the Director's office of each Foundation site.
  • Nudes.

The estimated response time is approximately 2-3 years; therefore, during the waiting period, applicants are advised to always look both ways before crossing the street.

Description: SCP-2718-J, formerly known as SCP-2317, is a wooden door and frame that leads to an extradimensional salt flat. Following the presumed neutralization of SCP-2317-K after a strongly-worded letter, SCP-2718-J has been used to build an extradimensional resort facility for the permanent containment and comfort of qualified dead bodies.

Due to recent revelations about the afterlife/lack thereof, the necessity of a means to create an artificial afterlife for self-aware corpses can no longer be ignored. SCP-2718-J, known1 to patrons as "Dammerung Resort Spa & Eternal Retirement Home," has been fitted with permanent residential accommodations for the deceased.

Currently, SCP-2718-J houses 37 residents, a number that's expected to increase depending on the continued inevitability of death.

Addendum - Testimonials:

"No mouth? Must scream? No problem! Here at Dammerung, we're committed to providing you the time of your life in this world and the next. You will never feel uncomfortable for even a femtosecond. Literally! To make sure your eternal stay with us is painless, we inject liquid tylenol in your brain five times a day!" - Jim Durnley, Director of SCP-2718

"A dream of deep tissue massages and hot tubs without end." - O5-11

*nods in approval* - Dr. Isaiah Henderson's corpse, through the aid of an automated nodding device provided in Suite-2718-J-13

"JUST CREMATE ME ALREADY YOU SICK FUCKS" - General Janet Spiegel, ☽☽☽ Initiative

"When the grim reaper comes to call, come on down to Dammerung, and they'll make me clean out your colon with a thousand-dollar German sponge! If Mr. Durnley sees even a single maggot egg in your skin, I have to go back in the Punish Box™! Before I worked here, I was a Christian! Give us your money." - Diana Jones, Housekeeper

"I will keep the dead people healthy with my powerful magical doctor science because I am a doctor and I cure all the patients I am smart." - Onsite Medical Director

"Now, there you go again! Dammerung makes my joyous meat-mouth protrude angry love noises from the hotel room at the back of San Quentin with a bottle of cheap unbaptized children's tears, Mr. Gorbachev." - Anonymous resident, Dammerung Presidential Suite

"…challenge accepted." - Anonymous

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