SCP-1459 Extended Testing Log
rating: +196+x

Additional experiments carried out with SCP-1459. See original documentation for more details.

Standard format:

Player: The individual carrying out the experiment.
Statement: Method of extermination dictated to SCP-1459.
Result: Action performed upon SCP-1459-1.
Note: Additional documentation (optional).

PuppySleep%281%29.jpg

Deceased instance of SCP-1459-1.


Player: Dr. Lindquist
Statement: "Sunday night football."
Result: SCP-1459-1 remained unharmed for four (4) days, during which time it was provided with food, water, and plush bedding. At 8:30 PM CDT the following evening, SCP-1459 produced a football cleat attached to a hydraulic kicking mechanism which knocked SCP-1459-1 into the front window at high speed.

Player: Dr. Lindquist
Statement: "Matricide."
Result: Despite being a juvenile, SCP-1459-1 displayed behavior consistent with a mature canine going into labor. Half an hour later, three (3) unidentified creatures resembling crustaceans emerged from SCP-1459-1's vagina and proceeded to pull apart and consume the SCP-1459-1 instance.

Player: Dr. Reich
Statement: "Mutiny at sea."
Result: SCP-1459's chamber was partially flooded with water, and a small wooden raft was produced with two additional instances of SCP-1459-1. The original instance of SCP-1459-1 was provided with a small tri-cornered cap, and began to bark aggressively at the other two instances. Both instances appeared to nod towards each other before pouncing on the original instance and forcing it underwater. The raft then capsized, causing the additional instances to drown after 8 minutes.

Player: Dr. Iqbal
Statement: "Assassination."
Result: A robotic arm descended from SCP-1459's hatch and placed a stovepipe hat scaled to fit a juvenile canine upon SCP-1459-1's head. Several other robotic arms then emerged armed with a variety of implements and weaponry, and proceeded to stab SCP-1459-1 multiple times, bludgeon it, and orally administer at least thirteen different substances in a forcible manner. While SCP-1459-1 appeared to be deceased immediately following this activity, a single robotic arm lowered from hatch three minutes later carrying a rifle, which was then used to shoot SCP-1459-1 in the cranial area. Despite the presence of a single firearm and only one documented shot fired, a second bullet hole in SCP-1459-1's head spontaneously appeared during this time.

Player: Dr. Nark
Statement: “My 'leet' skills.”
Result: An empty television frame attached to a robotic arm descended from SCP-1459’s hatch alongside SCP-1459-1. SCP-1459-1 was placed behind the television frame from the perspective of Dr. Nark. A second robotic arm carrying a Type-95 assault rifle descended in front of the television frame. SCP-1459-1 was fired at through the television frame until expiration.

Player: Dr. Damm
Statement: "Dog fighting."
Result: A miniature airplane was lowered into SCP-1459 by a robotic arm. The airplane was a single-seat open-cockpit biplane with miniaturized machine guns mounted to the wings, and the side of the plane was adorned with the French flag; the plane was scaled down so that its cockpit was properly sized for an pre-adolescent canine. The robotic arm then placed SCP-1459-1 into the plane's cockpit, after which the plane began to fly around the interior chamber. After one minute, SCP-1459's hatch opened and a second miniature airplane, piloted by a second instance of SCP-1459-1, flew into the chamber. This airplane was identical to the first, except it displayed the flag of the German Empire rather than the French flag. The two airplanes circled around each other for three minutes. After several near-collisions, the French airplane opened fire on the German airplane, damaging one of its wings. The German airplane fired back at the French airplane, shooting the plane down and killing the first SCP-1459-1 instance in the process. The German airplane then crashed, presumably due to the damage it had sustained, killing the second SCP-1459-1 instance.

Player: Dr. Talan
Statement: "Surprise me."
Result: SCP-1459 remained inactive for approximately 15 minutes. During the period of inactivity, SCP-1459-1 began moving in an agitated manner within SCP-1459. The instance was observed to look repeatedly towards the hatch in SCP-1459's ceiling. At the end of the 15 minute inactive period, the SCP-1459's hatch opened. SCP-1459-1 stopped all movement and sat down, staring fixedly at the hatch. Dr. Talan was observed to step closer to the observation windows, also staring at the hatch. After another five minutes of inactivity, a series of loud noises, bright lights, and frightening images typical of 'screamer' viruses and images emanated from the hatch in rapid succession. SCP-1459-1 jumped approximately 30 cm into the air before collapsing. Dr. Talan clutched his chest above his heart before collapsing and going into cardiac arrest. After 30 seconds of inactivity, one robotic arm was lowered into SCP-1459. It then prodded the instance of SCP-1459-1 twice before the instance fell through the trapdoor in the floor.
Notes: Dr. Talan is expected to make a full recovery. Additionally, SCP-1459 dispensed two tablets determined to be B████ brand aspirin rather than a cookie.

Player: Dr. Edison
Statement: "Immortality."
Result: A mechanical arm pulled SCP-1459-1 into the ceiling hatch. Pained vocalizations were heard from SCP-1459-1 for approximately thirty minutes, followed by another thirty minutes of silence. The hatch opened a second time and SCP-1459-1 was lowered back into the chamber, preserved through taxidermy and displayed on a stand with a small plaque reading "Our Hero".

Player: None
Statement: n/a
Result: On 10/13/██ without any prompting an instance of SCP-1459-1 materialized in a flash of light. It was then terminated via the default bludgeoning method. SCP-1459 then deposited a Mint White Chocolate cookie.

Player: Dr. King
Statement: "Zero gravity."
Result: SCP-1459-1 was crushed under a tremendous pile of appleseeds.
Why did I expect anything different to happen? -Dr. King

Player: Dr. Edison
Statement: "Are We Cool Yet?"
Result: [DATA EXPUNGED] leaving the corpse of the SCP-1459-1 instance suspended in mid-air, orbiting the singing head of Abraham Lincoln.

Player: Jr. Researcher Kitterman
Statement: "Firing squad."
Result: German Shepherd instance of SCP-1459-1 emerged tied to a post. A blind fold was affixed and a cigarette inserted into the corner of its mouth and lit. Five additional Pit Bull Terrier SCP-1459-1 instances emerged in uniforms consistent with those use by American Expeditionary Forces in WWI, carrying miniature rifles. One instance barked three times (presumably to indicate "ready, aim, fire") as the remaining four fired at the restrained instance, killing it.
Note: Taps was played over the normal closing statement during clean up.

Player: Dr. Laries
Statement: “Complete knowledge of the universe.”
Result: A small bucket labeled "B█████ ██ █████" was lowered into SCP-1459. SCP-1459-1 walked over to the bucket, looked inside, and began to whine and cry. It then ran away from the bucket while still whining, smashing headfirst into one of SCP-1459's observation windows, resulting in its death.

Player: Dr. Harper
Statement: "Poker."
Result: Five additional instances of SCP-1459-1 were dispensed, along with a miniature poker table and chips. Each instance gathered around the table and proceeded to play a game of poker. Instances that lost all their chips were promptly beaten to death with a fireplace poker. After the game, the winner was given a treat and promptly beaten to death with a gold-painted fireplace poker.
Note: SCP-1459 dispensed 6 cigars rather than a cookie.

Player: Researcher Prescott
Statement: “Absolute zero.”
Result: Two robotic arms came out of the hatch carrying a table with a digital thermometer securely placed on top of it. Soon afterwards, the chamber’s temperature started to drop quickly. One hour after reaching 0.01 K without further changes, SCP-1459-1 was struck with a hammer and shattered.

Player: Dr. Reed
Statement "Beer."
Result: Three tubes extended from the top hatch of SCP-1459 and were inserted into the mouth and nostrils of SCP-1459-1. A yellow liquid (assumed to be beer) then flowed through the tubes. SCP-1459-1 displayed behavior exhibited by canines drowning for three (3) minutes and forty-one (41) seconds.

Player: Dr. Nepale
Statement: "Wrapped in a net."
Result: Four robotic arms came out of the hatch, one of which was holding a large flexible mesh of thin metal wire. The arms stretched out the mesh on each of its corners over SCP-1459-1 until all the gaps were congruent with each other. Afterwards, the arms brought the mesh down instantaneously under SCP-1459-1. The subject stood still for three seconds, after which all of its flesh and blood collapsed abruptly. The arms then wrapped the pile with the mesh and brought it into the hatch.
Note: The cookie was dispensed in four perfectly cut pieces.

Player: Dr. Sterling
Statement: "Cannon."
Result: Four robotic arms extended from the top hatch of SCP-1459. Two proceeded to pick up SCP-1459-1, while a third holding what appeared to be a cannon and a fourth holding a █████ brand lighter. SCP-1459-1 was then forced into the cannon. The cannon was aimed at the front of SCP-1459 and the fuse lit by the lighter. After around 30 seconds, the cannon fired SCP-1459-1 directly towards the front panel of SCP-1459.

Player: Dr. Sterling
Statement: "Forcible ejection from SCP-1459."
Result: SCP-1459 appeared to ignore this statement, as if unaware of its classification as SCP-1459. Second test performed with SCP-1459 referred to as "Win A Cookie Crane Machine" resulted in same outcome. Reason hypothesized to be due to the impenetrable nature of SCP-1459.

Player: Dr. Sterling
Statement: "Freedom."
Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had already been attempted.

Player: Dr. Sterling
Statement: "All previous methods simultaneously."
Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had already been attempted, and continued playing for 4 hours 25 minutes.

Player: Dr. █████████
Statement: "Methamphetamine."
Result: A nozzle extends from the top hatch, and begins exuding pale grey smoke in copious amounts. SCP-1459-1 begins appearing agitated at around the five minute mark, also seems to have difficulty breathing. As the smoke fills the chamber completely, SCP-1459-1 displays signs of distress and pain, before suffering a seizure roughly ten minutes into the test. At roughly fifteen minutes, visibility within SCP-1459 is reduced, though SCP-1459-1 is still visible, wandering the interior of SCP-1459 in an irregular circle. Two minutes later with visibility near zero, a dull thud is heard and SCP-1459 begins self-cleaning procedure. Cause of death hypothesized to be either stroke or heart failure, based on known overdose symptoms.
Note: Cookie contained clear blue shards of an unknown material testing later showed to simply be blue raspberry rock candy.

Player: Dr. Ford
Statement: "Volcano."
Result: The top hatch opens. After about 5 minutes molten lava is dispensed and falls onto SCP-1459-1, burying it completely. After a few seconds of sizzling the lava is dumped into the bottom chute.
Note: Cookie was chocolate with hot fudge filling.

Player: Dr. Trend
Statement: "Professional wrestling."
Result: Another instance of SCP-1459-1, wearing a tight-fitting outfit, was dispensed. The second SCP-1459-1 instance proceeded to grab the original SCP-1459-1 instance and toss the instance head-first on to the ground, in a similar fashion to a "suplex" technique, presumably snapping the neck of the SCP-1459-1 instance. The second instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method.

Player: Dr. Skial
Statement: "Digested."
Result: Another, larger instance of SCP-1459-1 was dispensed. It proceeded to pick up the original SCP-1459-1 and swallow it. After about 30 minutes the second instance excreted waste, which had bone fragments lining the surface. The second instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method.
Note: Cookie was double chocolate flavored.

Player: Dr. █████
Statement: "Irony."
Result: The top hatch opens. After 15 minutes, a metallic tray, approximately .5m x .75m x .01m in dimension, holding one dozen chocolate chip cookies is lowered and set before SCP-1459-1 by two arms. After an additional 3 minutes, instance of SCP-1459-1 proceeds to ingest cookies vigorously. SCP-1459-1 ingests five cookies within 2 minutes, then [REDACTED]. SCP-1459-1 proceeded to combust and was rapidly incinerated. Deceased SCP-1459-1, remaining three cookies, tray and [REDACTED].
Note: Awarded cookie was chocolate chip. Extensive testing of cookie found no anomalous or aberrant toxins or substances except ██mg more magnesium than typical of chocolate chip cookies dispensed by SCP-1459.

Player: Dr. Black
Statement: "Infinite regress."
Result: A miniature replica of SCP-1459 falls from the top hatch, crushing the SCP-1459-1 instance. A replica of the SCP-1459-1 instance is placed within the SCP-1459 replica via a metal arm. A miniature replica of the replica of SCP-1459 falls from the top hatch of the SCP-1459 replica, crushing the SCP-1459-1 replica. This process is repeated until the SCP-1459 replicas become too small to observe.
Note: Cookie was dispensed after 35 days.

Player: Dr. Walker
Statement: "Retroactive cessation of existence."
Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had already been attempted.
Note: Despite the indication that this method had already been attempted, SCP-1459 dispensed a plain cookie.

Player: Dr. Milo
Statement: "Euthanasia roller coaster."
Result: Standard roller coaster track similar in appearance to the original roller coaster experiment, but of slightly larger width, constructed leading 45° upwards into the ceiling trap door. Approximately ninety minutes later, the ceiling hole expanded. Track at a slightly downward-sloping angle, facing the opposite direction as the original, was constructed leading directly into the front viewing window, presumably somehow contiguous with the initial portion. SCP-1459-1 instance picked up and deposited into a roller coaster car, which immediately began to ascend along the track at a steady pace into the ceiling hole. Twelve minutes later, the cart and SCP-1459-1 were observed to coast back down the other visible track portion and gently bump into the window, halting the cart. SCP-1459-1 retrieved by a robotic arm, deceased.
Notes: Track was dismantled, while the clean-up devices did not appear. Message played as usual.

Player: Dr. Milo
Statement: "Supernova."
Result: After a two-minute pause, SCP-1459-1 deposited as usual. It was then bludgeoned by robotic arms wielding an electric guitar (subsequently identified as an Epiphone Supernova model) and a synthesizer keyboard (subsequently identified as a Novation Supernova model), after which the robotic arms shot it several times with a shotgun (subsequently identified as a Benelli Supernova model).
Notes: Rather than cookie, 80g of radioactive ash was dispensed. Dr. Milo reassigned to paperwork, and to mandatory astronomy education.

Player: Dr. Villmow
Statement: "Not a dog; bludgeoning."
Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had already been attempted.

Player: Dr. Aeslinger, Psy.D.
Statement: "Um…what?"
Result: SCP-1459-1 was dispensed with a collar flashing the following messages at the player:

  1. "Take one puppy." Message was visible for approximately 4 seconds as SCP-1459-1 ambled around inside SCP-1459.
  2. "State method of destruction." Message was visible for approximately 6 seconds while SCP-1459 played a looped sample of Dr. Aeslinger saying "Um…what?"
  3. "Puppy is then destroyed according to specified requirements." Message was visible for approximately 5 seconds before SCP-1459-1 was forcibly liquefied. Collar remained both untouched and functional, and uncovered by liquefied remains.
  4. "COOKIE!" Message was visible for approximately 2 seconds before collar stopped displaying messages altogether and a cookie was dispensed as usual.

Note: Dr. Aeslinger was not aware of SCP-1459's nature and in fact was not scheduled to be in Sector-25 at all. Cookie dispensed was raspberry surprise.

Player: Dr. Snider
Statement: "Black hole."
Result: SCP-1459's arms spent approx. 19 hours constructing what appeared to be a miniature cyclic particle accelerator. Once completed, an instance of SCP-1459-1 (teacup chihuahua) was dispensed in the center. The particle accelerator activated, shaking violently for several minutes before bursting open at one end, revealing a marble-sized black hole, the gravitational pull of which proceeded to draw in and crush the remains of the accelerator. SCP-1459-1 itself was quickly pulled towards the black hole before slowing down and appearing to "freeze" in place, with visible evidence of spaghettification on its ears and muzzle. SCP-1459-1's body slowly red-shifted to solid black before fading to complete invisibility over the course of 23 minutes. Black hole immediately dissipated afterwards. SCP-1459's main components were undamaged.
Notes: Cookie dispensed was made with pure, unsweetened dark chocolate (100% cocoa solids).

Player: Dr. Snider
Statement: "Unfunny Jokes"
Result: Window to SCP-1459's chamber was immediately covered by a pair of red curtains. Approx. 15 minutes later, curtains were drawn to reveal instance of SCP-1459-1 (Pembroke Welsh Corgi) standing on a miniature stage with a microphone stand and red brick backdrop lit with a single spotlight. SCP-1459-1 wore only a large, red-and-green bow tie. SCP-1459-1 barked three times into the microphone, then paused and looked around the chamber, as if awaiting a response. Sounds of jeering and booing are heard, followed by several mechanical arms rising up from the floor and hurling what appear to be tomatoes at SCP-1459-1 in rapid succession, quickly pelting it to death. More tomatoes were thrown until SCP-1459-1's body was completely obscured. Corpse was quickly disposed of via a mechanical arm wielding a shepherd's crook.
Notes: Ending message was changed to "that's the way the cookie crumbles". Small pile of cookie crumbs dispensed afterwards.

Player: Dr. Snider
Statement: "Go to hell."
Result: Instance of SCP-1459-1 (indeterminate breed) released as normal. Entire chamber glowed a deep red, followed by small flames erupting along edge of windows. Second instance of SCP-1459-1 appeared from side of chamber, much larger in size than the first instance, with a skeletal body and three heads, each wearing an elastic headband with small plastic "devil" horns. Second instance barks six times, one head barking twice after the other. A trapdoor immediately opens up underneath first instance of SCP-1459-1, sending it plummeting out of sight with a frightened whine. A plume of flames erupts from the trapdoor for six seconds before shutting. Second instance of SCP-1459-1 was killed afterwards as the chamber's light shifted from red to blue and the flames went out. Temperatures within SCP-1459 dropped below freezing as remaining SCP-1459-1 froze to death over the course of six seconds, shattered via hammer once completely frozen.
Note: Cookie dispensed was Fig Newton. Although not displaying any anomalous or dangerous properties, Dr. Snider reported that Fig Newtons are his least favorite kind of cookie.

Player: Dr. Selvece
Statement: "Something incomprehensible."
Result: A pair of mechanical hands emerged from the roof of SCP-1459, carrying a copy of Finnegans' Wake by James Joyce; said copy was then used to beat the instance of SCP-1459-1 to death.

Player: Dr. Snider
Statement: "Dubstep."
Result: Two speakers with no cables attached are lowered from the top by mechanical arms, and put on the back side of the chamber. After the mechanical arms retracted to the roof, the speakers started playing music, identified as dubstep music, with volume gradually increasing. After 20 seconds, Dr. Snider was given protective headphones. It is hypothesized that the volume inside the chamber was an approximate 15█ dB before the instance of SCP-1459-1 deceased, presumably from internal bleeding.
Note: A cookie with popping candy was disposed.

Player: Dr. Snider
Statement: "Stretch."
Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Player: Dr. Snider
Statement: "Photoshop."
Result: Multiple mechanical arms started to make numerous surgical modifications to the SCP-1459-1 instance (such as removing a leg and attaching it to its back), until the instance died of blood loss.
Note: A cookie with four different ingredients on four sides was dispensed.

Player: Dr. Snider
Statement: "Kittenpocalypse."
Results: A currently unknown number of juvenile domestic felines (Felis catus) were disposed from the roof of SCP-1459, which attacked the SCP-1459-1 instance until it deceased. The rest of the felines were disposed of via a trapdoor, and unwilling felines were killed via SCP-1459's default bludgeoning method.
Note: A short beep sound was played during the ending sequence.

Player: Dr. Shiro
Statement: "Crushed by a triceratops ridden by Ayn Rand shouting quotes from Atlas Shrugged, Also Sprach Zarathustra and The Critique of Pure Reason."
Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Player: Dr. Shiro
Statement: "The dawn of a new age."
Result: A 2'' x 8'' x 18'' black stone was lowered into the chamber along with several SCP-1459-1 instances. SCP-1459-1 instances split into 2 groups, one gathering around the stone and the others grouping in the far side of the chamber. Instances gathered around the stone spend several minutes observing it before attacking and killing the members of the other group. Surviving SCP-1459-1 instances are killed via the default bludgeoning method.
Note: Ending message changed to "So much for enlightenment". Fudge brownie with dimensions of .5'' x 2'' x 4.5'' containing walnuts dispensed.

Player: Dr. Heikkila
Statement: "Something that I would find funny."
Result: SCP-1459 slowly lowered an instance of SCP-1459-1 wearing a miniature Christmas sweater to the tune of the theme of the 1984 film Terminator. After approximately half a minute, a mechanical hand lowered a jar filled with what were tentatively identified as driver ants (Dorylus). The hand then smashed the jar on the chamber floor in front of SCP-1459-1. The ants began to bite and tear at SCP-1459-1, which attempted to escape the chamber. After 2 minutes of this, SCP-1459-1 collapsed, twitching. A spiked bowling ball then fell on SCP-1459-1's skull, crushing it. The bowling ball then exploded in fireworks. The remains of SCP-1459-1 and the ants were then swept up in a dustpan with a miniature broom while a sound bite of the death noise from the video game Super Mario Brothers 3 played. Confetti then rained from the ceiling of SCP-1459, and the sound of a party-blower played. During all of this, Dr. Heikkila was chuckling softly to himself.
Note: The cookie was dispensed with a note taped on it that read "I know you don't like cookies". The cookie was tested for any anomalous properties, but none have been identified. Dr. Heikkila has been ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation.

Player: Dr. Muse
Statement: "The Apocalypse."
Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had already been attempted.

Player: Dr. Muse
Statement: "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."
Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had already been attempted.

Player: Dr. Muse
Statement: "The wrath of God."
Result: SCP-1459-1 struck by a bolt of lightning from within SCP-1459 and instantly killed.
Note: Dr. Muse took a brief respite for his sight and hearing to recover before continuing.

Player: Dr. Muse
Statement: "The Four Pseudo-Puppies of the Apocalypse."
Result: Three Shih Tzu instances SCP-1459-1 descended from the hatch, one with a crown and white fur, one with a combat knife in its mouth and red fur, and one heavily emaciated with black fur. The white instance tackled SCP-1459-1 to the ground and then perched atop it as the red instance began stabbing the downed SCP-1459-1 and the black instance began mauling it. After thirty seconds, what appeared to be the animated skeleton of a Shih Tzu puppy descended from the hatch and dragged the remains into the trapdoor, followed by the three other instances.

Player: Dr. Muse
Statement: "Eviscerated by an inconceivable amount of dog-produced bees."
Result: SCP-1459-1's eyes popped out as an indeterminate number of bees flew out of its various orifices and began stinging it, with more bees continuing to exit the instance's body until the chamber was filled with bees. A mechanical arm carrying a vacuum descended shortly thereafter and removed the bees, then swept the cleanly disemboweled corpse of SCP-1459-1 into the trapdoor.
Note: A honey cookie with raisins was dispensed.

Player: Dr. Muse
Statement: "Consumed by one non-anomalous goldfish of ordinary size."
Result: Chamber filled to half capacity with water and SCP-1459-1 submerged to its neck by a mechanical arm. A single normal goldfish was lowered into the water and proceeded to consume SCP-1459-1 overnight.
Note: Despite the goldfish consuming the instance of SCP-1459-1 at the expected rate of a goldfish consuming a puppy, personnel returned in the morning to the sight of the water, SCP-1459-1's bones, and a bloated goldfish draining into the hatch.

Player: Dr. Hong
Statement: "Yāozhǎn." (Translation: 'Waist chop', a form of execution in ancient China.)
Result: SCP-1459 lowers a small wooden bench fitted with restraints into the chamber. SCP-1459-1 instance is seized by mechanical arms and forced to lie supine on the bench. Another arm, bearing a modified hacksaw, descends and proceeds to saw the SCP-1459-1 instance in a manner similar to a hemicorporectomy (translumbar amputation).

Player: Dr. Hong
Statement: "Lingchi." (Translation: 'Death by a thousand cuts.')
Result: As the SCP-1459-1 instance cowers prone, it is sliced by several blades on the limbs and posterior torso. SCP-1459-1 rolls over supine (common in canine body language to express submission or helplessness) and the blades continue to slice at the exposed abdomen. The last cut is to the bared throat of the SCP-1459-1 instance, severing the carotid artery and allowing the instance to expire.

Player: Dr. Hong
Statement: "Chángchéng." (Translation: 'Long Fortification', or more commonly, 'Great Wall'.)
Result: After a one-minute interval, SCP-1459 produces a folding table and laptop, scaled down so as to be commensurate with the provided SCP-1459-1 instance. The laptop is seen to display various content currently censored by the mainland Chinese government, including websites dedicated to pornography, the Taiwanese government, the Dalai Lama, and pro-democracy movements. SCP-1459 then produces three more instances of SCP-1459-1 wearing the uniform of the Public Security Bureau, which proceed to attack and kill the first instance.
Note: "Huh. I was not expecting that. Forgot it could mean the Great Firewall, too…" - Dr. Hong

Player: Dr. Hong
Statement: "Wanli chángchéng." (Translation: 'Ten-Thousand-League Long Fortification', more commonly referred to as the Great Wall of China.)
Result: One dozen instances of SCP-1459-1 are released, along with tools and building materials that include stone, brick, earth, and wood. Instances proceed to build a scale model of a portion of the Great Wall of China complete with battlements, guard and signal towers, barracks, and stairways. The work is clearly strenuous and hazardous; all but one of the SCP-1459-1 instances die during construction, the last collapsing and appearing to expire soon after completion. A thirteenth SCP-1459-1 instance, released after the completion of the Wall, whines upon seeing the other deceased instances and jumps off the parapet of the highest tower, dying on impact.
Note: "Now that's more like it." - Dr. Hong

Player: Dr. Morgenstern.
Statement: "Fifth Church."
Result: One instance was released, which transformed into a miniature clone of actor Robert Downey Jr. Instance proceeded to vomit thick, black smoke from its mouth for twelve minutes before transforming back. SCP-1459-1 seemed to suffer no ill effects. A pair of mechanical hands emerged from SCP-1459's ceiling with a copy of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard, which was used to bludgeon SCP-1459-1 to death.
Note: Cookie dispensed was mint and in a star shape. Had a burned taste, as if over baked.

Player: Dr. Verzweiflung
Statement: "Antimatter."
Result: SCP-1459-1 crushed to death by a miniature replica of a quadrupole magnet from the CERN Antiproton Decelerator.

Player: Dr. Verzweiflung
Statement: "Titanium."
Result: A horizontal slot appeared on one side of SCP-1459 and ejected at high speed a silvery disc, which cleanly sliced off the head of SCP-1459-1 before shattering against the opposite wall of the enclosure. Subsequent analysis of video footage identified the disc as a CD single of the song "Titanium" by the French musician David Guetta.

Player: Dr. Gordon
Statement: "Spine rip."
Result: A 75-centimeter-tall door opened, allowing a similarly sized duplicate of the Mortal Kombat character Sub-Zero to enter SCP-1459. Sub-Zero gripped SCP-1459-1 by the back of the neck, tore SCP-1459-1's head and spine from its body, then held up the head and spine like a trophy, while a deep voice was heard declaring, "Sub-Zero wins! Fatality!"

Player: Dr. Davidson
Statement: "Titanic reenactment."
Result: The chamber was partially flooded with water and ██ icecubes were dropped into water. A small wooden raft and total of two instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced. Cocker Spaniel instance was placed on the raft, while a gray mutt instance was dropped into the freezing water. After an exchange of few barks, the swimming instance sank and drowned. The second instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method before chamber drained itself.
Note: A single cookie of seafood flavor was produced.

Player: Dr. Davidson
Statement: "300 reenactment."
Result: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced and the bottom chute automatically opened. Both instances bark at each other. One then gives three loud distinctive barks and pounces the other instance into the open chute. The remaining instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method.

Player: Dr. Davidson
Statement: "Puppy centipede."
Result: One Shiba Inu instance of SCP-1459-1 and two Cocker Spaniel instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced. A mechanical arm then proceeded to [DATA EXPUNGED]. The middle instance was then terminated via the default bludgeoning method.
Note: Two cookies were produced, resembling chocolate chip cookies, but with corn instead of chocolate chips.

Player: Dr. Davidson's assistant
Statement: "Jesus Christ!" (statement uttered in shock after hearing an explanation of SCP-1459's function)
Result: Several instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced. Mechanical arms then placed three upright standing crosses in the middle of the chamber and bolted three of the instances, each to one cross. SCP-1459 then produced a scalpel sized polearm and one of the mechanical arms poked a side of the instance bolted to the middle cross, while another arm equipped the same instance with a thorn crown. All three instances were terminated 6 hours later due to their injuries. All remaining instances were terminated via the default bludgeoning method.
Note: Three cookies were produced, one of them dipped in wine. According to security footage, █ days later SCP-1459's bottom chute opened on its own and instance of SCP-1459-1 identical to the instance bolted to the middle cross crawled out of the chute. 15 minutes later SCP-1459 proceeded to its default bludgeoning method of instance termination.

Player: Dr. Gallagher
Statement: Dr. Gallagher did not state a method, and instead screamed inarticulately for the entirety of the 15-second countdown.
Result: After a single instance of SCP-1459-1 was produced, a miniature version of Dr. Gallagher manifested, and proceeded bludgeon the SCP-1459-1 instance in a manner similar to SCP-1459's default method of termination, while screaming at approximately 100db for 5 minutes.
Note: The cookie produced was of the chocolate-chip variety; testing revealed it to contain toxic amounts of capsaicin.

Player: Research Assistant Taylor
Statement: "Time travel."
Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had already been attempted.

Player: Dr. John
Statement: "Emptying the recycle bin."
Result: A trash bin was dispensed then emptied into a trapdoor despite being already empty. SCP-1459 then proceeded to default bludgeoning method

Player: Dr. B███████e
Statement: "The power of rock."
Result: A single instance of SCP-1459-1 was lowered into SCP-1459, where-in it was promptly crushed by a large stone released from the top of the machine. As the remains of SCP-1459 where flushed down the trapdoor, a fragment of the song "█████ █████" by ██/██ was heard by observers. SCP-1459 then released one peanut butter cookie.

Player: Agent Fleir
Statement: "Limit break."
Result: 2 instances of 1459-1 were deposited on opposite sides of the box, one terrier with a gray wig with hair that covers the sides of its head and one golden retriever with its fur sticking up so that it resembles what appears to be blonde hair. The terrier was clutching a Masamune sword in its teeth, while the golden retriever was likewise wielding an unidentified, much larger sword. The two instances stared at each other for several seconds, then rushed at each other and began growling and fighting. Both instances experienced serious sword-related injuries, with the terrier being defeated and killed. Several seconds later, the golden retriever died as well, apparently of exhaustion.

Player: Junior Researcher Kim
Statement: “Did you know that world-renowned writer Stephen King was once hit by a car? Just something to consider.”
Result: A single instance of SCP-1459-1 (St. Bernard) was generated, wearing eyeglasses, and seated at a typewriter. A car then emerged from the left wall and drove over the instance at high speed, before disappearing through the right wall. Typewriter and eyeglasses were undamaged. Cookie was a typical frosted sugar cookie with the letters "LOL" written in frosting on top of it.

Player: Mr. Mox
Statement: "Something that will show us how to kill SCP-682."
Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had been previously used.

Player: Mr. Mox
Statement: "Fine, give me something I'll enjoy."
Result: SCP-1459 deployed a film projector. The 1979 film Alien played, but with SCP-1459-1 instances in place of the human and android characters. All dialogue was replaced with barking and growling. SCP-1459-1 instances were killed at the appropriate places in the film. The remaining instance (Ripley) was terminated via the default bludgeoning method.
Note: Cookie was in the shape of the "Alien" egg from the film. Contained a gummy "facehugger" within a sugar cookie exterior.

Player: Junior Researcher Kim
Statement: "Bludgeoning, but the puppy is only to be hit exactly 7 times, and once this is completed, exactly 33.55 kg of Kingsford brand charcoal is to be placed on the puppy. 3 Samsung Galaxy s6 mobile phones are to placed around the puppy in a triangular formation, and each phone is to have both "Premium Tetris" and "Dog Barking Translator" installed on them. Once this is done, put a thermonuclear bomb inside the machine that is exactly 3 cm in width and 10 cm in height, and it is to be placed on the second Samsung Galaxy s6 placed in there. It is to be detonated using a functioning remote control made entirely out of sausages."
Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had been previously used.

Player: Dr. Langford
Statement: "Classical music."
Result: Ceiling hatch opened and dropped a miniature grand piano onto SCP-1459-1, killing it instantly. A second instance was placed into the chamber by mechanical arm. Second instance played the entire piece of 'The Marriage of Figaro' by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart on the mostly intact piano. Concluding the piece, two mechanical arms emerged from the top hatch and applauded for seven seconds before terminating the instance via the default bludgeoning method.

Player: Junior Researcher Mike
Statement: "Forbidden Basement"
Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 was generated, as well as a latch on the floor leading down a stairwell. SCP-1459-1 started to whimper as he was forced to walk down the stairs by a mechanical arm. The latch shut when SCP-1459-1 instance was out of sight, and SCP-1459-1 was heard barking, then suddenly yelping. SCP-1459-1 instance became silent. Latch disappeared along with the mechanical hand.
Note: Cookie took 2 minutes to dispense, during which Junior Researcher Mike became uncomfortable. Cookie flavor was hard to determine but testing concluded that it was a vegan diet style cookie.

Player: Dr. Chris "Ox" Moran
Statement: "A four-sided triangle."
Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 was generated, and immediately beaten to death with a four-sided triangle.
Note: Dispensed cookie was in the shape of a four-sided triangle.

Player: Junior Researcher Jenkins
Statement: "The last means of disposal this machine will ever use."
Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 was generated, as per the norm, only to drop immediately through the trapdoor unharmed.
Note: Instead of a cookie, SCP-1459 produced an index card with the words "IOU 1x Oatmeal Raisin Cookie".

Player: Junior Researcher Jenkins
Statement: "The last unique means of disposal this machine will ever use."
Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 was generated, as per the norm, only to drop immediately through the trapdoor unharmed.
Note: Instead of a cookie, SCP-1459 produced an index card with the words "IOU 1x Unique Oatmeal Raisin Cookie".

Player: Dr. Fleming
Statement: "I like trains."
Result: A wooden train similar to SCP-737 plowed through the chamber at high speed, impacting SCP-1459-1 at approximately 750 km/h.
Note: Cookie was in the shape of a locomotive.

Player: Dr. Burns
Statement: "Rage."
Result: Two SCP-1459-1 instances were generated. One proceeded to attack the other. The attacked instance turned green, tripled in size, and mutilated its opponent. Three robotic arms, all thicker than usual, were required to restrain the instance as it was forced into the trapdoor.

Player: Dr. Burns
Statement: "Magnetism."
Result: SCP-1459-1 was crushed between what appeared to be two large neodymium magnets.
Note: Cookie was colored to reflect raspberry and grape flavor.

Player: Dr. Burns
Statement: "Dreaming."
Result: A large amount of sand poured from the top hatch, which quickly buried SCP-1459-1, suffocating the instance.
Note: Cookie had trace amounts of melatonin. Consumption did not result in any remembered dreams.

Player: Dr. Davidson
Statement: "Gordon Ramsay."
Result: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced. Instance, which was described to be a white-brown bulldog equipped with a chef hat subdued the other instance. Mechanical arms then placed the subdued instance into an oven. The remaining instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method.
Note: A donut was produced instead of a cookie.

Player: Research Assistant Taylor
Statement: "'Super Mario Brothers'"
Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 wearing a costume of the video game character ''Mario'' and a large yellow floating block with a large white Question Mark embossed on each face were produced. The Instance jumped up, striking the bottom of the block and causing a large specimen of Amanita muscaria to be expelled from the top of the block. Instance consumed the specimen, and expired 15 minutes later with symptoms consistent with A. muscaria poisoning.
Note: Cookie was shaped like mushroom; analysis showed no traces of toxins.

Player: unknown individual
Statement: "Shark Punching Centre"
Result: SCP-1459-1 instance was generated wearing a shark costume. Instance was terminated via bludgeoning with a boxing glove.
Note: Cookie was shaped like a boxing glove with the Letters "SPC" on it.

Player: Dr. Geralds
Statement: "Conversion of 0.1% of body mass into antimatter" (Dr. Geralds was behind a protective screen while making this statement) (test was unauthorized)
Result: An SCP-1459-1 instance was produced. After approximately 15 seconds, the instance of SCP-1459-1 was destroyed almost instantly in a powerful explosion. As in Experiment #: 0239, The resulting explosion was completely contained by SCP-1459.
Note: Raisin cookie was determined to be heavily flavored with Capsicum chinense, commonly known as habanero peppers.

Player: Dr. A. Maliss
Statement: "Antimemetics"
Result: According to supervising staff, no SCP-1459-1 instance was produced. Despite this, a cookie was dispensed as normal.

Player: Researcher T. Umen
Statement: "Please, take me instead!"
Result: An SCP-1459-1 instance was produced, along with a large pillow and two steel bowls filled with dog food and water. Approximately 5 minutes after initial activation, the SCP-1459-1 instance was killed via default bludgeoning method, and a robotic arm extended from and pulled Researcher Umen into SCP-1459. Researcher Umen remained within SCP-1459 for 2 days, during which he was provided dog food and water three times daily. On the end of the second day, Researcher Umen was forcibly expelled from the slot normally used by SCP-1459 to dispense cookies, along with a handwritten note reading "Nice Try."

Player: Dr. B. O'Doyle
Statement: "O'Doyle Rules"
Result: Five instances of SCP-1459-1 produced along with a [REDACTED] Station Wagon appropriately sized for the SCP-1459-1 instances. Instances enter the vehicle and begin synchronized barking. Top hatch opened and a mechanical arm dropped a banana peel onto floor. The vehicle drove over the banana peel causing it to slide into the front of SCP-1459 at high speed. The vehicle then caught fire and exploded. Back wall of SCP-1459 opened and a mechanical arm wielding a red fire extinguisher model [REDACTED] emerged and put out the fire.
Note: Cookie produced consisted of various types of manure.

Player: Dr. Crocket
Statement: "Noodles"
Result: Unknown. After an instance of SCP-1459-1 was produced, a curtain covered up the box. A variety of sounds including lawnmowers, saxophones, Billy Joel's "Piano Man" Song, and others were heard. After 10 minutes, the curtains lifted and relieved SCP-1459-1 dead. An olive on a stick was stuck in its back, and it was wearing a football helmet.
Note: Nothing related to noodles even happened.

Player: Dr. Edison
Statement: "Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo"
Result: A SCP-1459-1 and four instances of American bison (Bison bison) are produced, all of which dressed in "University of Buffalo" apparel. Two of the bison then proceed to headbutt and cajole the other two Bison, leading to them accidentally trampling the SCP-1459-1 instance.
Note: Cookie produced was a sugar cookie covered in buffalo sauce.

Player: Dr. Cooke
Statement: "Mortal Kombat"
Result: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced, one wearing yellow and one wearing Blue. The one wearing yellow threw a knife attached to a chain at the other instance, before pulling them together and ripping off the other's head.
Note: Cookie was coated with blood.

Player: Dr. Little
Statement: "Don't kill anything"
Result: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 appear. One instance had a gold-plated collar labeled "Anything". The second was bludgeoned in the default method.
Note: "I don't know what I expected, honestly." - Dr. Does Little

Player: Dr. Clair
Statement: "Drowned in SCP-447-2"
Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.
Note: Dr. Clair was demoted and reassigned.

Player: Dr. Edison
Statement: "In Soviet Russia, puppy kill YOU!"
Result: A single sugar cookie appears within SCP-1459's chamber. An entity resembling Josef Stalin emerges from a trap door below the chamber, and repeatedly smashes the cookie with a hammer. Rather than a cookie, several bloody chunks of dog flesh were dispensed.

Player: Dr. Carlson
Statement: "Censorship"
Result: [DATA EXPUNGED]

Player: Researcher ████████
Statement: "Tert-butyllithium."
Result: Instance of SCP-1459-1 released. Robotic arm with a pipe on the end descended from the hatch, spraying a liquid hypergolic with the atmosphere in the room. Instance of SCP-1459-1 rapidly expired due to combustion of tissue.
Note: Cookie dispensed had high levels of lithium salts.

Player: Dr. Senaviev
Statement: "Suspicious Circumstances"
Result: Instance of SCP-1459-1 released, followed by fog that obscured vision inside the chamber. When the fog dissipated, SCP-1459-1 was revealed to have been shot several times.

Player: Dr Snargle
Statement: "I have a severe egg allergy"
Result: Robotic arms pelted instance with several dozen eggs. Instance appeared confused, but unharmed. Eggs broke open on impact, and instance began eating their contents. After several minutes, instance became distressed and began clawing at its face, then began experiencing difficulty breathing, and eventually suffocated.
Note: Cookie dispensed had no traces of eggs.

Player: Dr Reynolds
Statement: "World War Three"
Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 (Boston Terrier), wearing a cowboy hat and a US flag cape, was released on the left hand side of the machine, alongside a miniaturized LGM-30 Minuteman III missile. Shortly thereafter, a second SCP-1459-1 instance (Black Russian Terrier), wearing a Red Army Ushanka, was released on the right hand side of the machine, alongside a miniaturized SS-18 missile. Both instances proceeded to bark at each other for fifteen minutes, after which both missiles launched themselves at the opposing instances. The resulting nuclear detonations were completely contained by the machine.
Note: Dispensed cookie was decorated with frosting arranged to make the hazard symbol for ionizing radiation. Analysis showed it to contain trace amounts of iodine-131.

Player: Dr. Westrin
Statement: "Metaphysics"
Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 was released. After approximately 20 minutes, the instance received injuries consistent with being bludgeoned with a hammer. No cookie was dispensed.

Player: Dr. Westrin
Statement: "Pataphysics"
Result: A robotic arm extended from SCP-1459 and, through unknown narrative methods, proceeded to bludgeon the SCP-1459-1 instance in the "Metaphysics" entry. It is currently unknown how this was accomplished.
Note: The word "META" was written in frosting on the cookie.

Player: Dr. Crocket
Statement: "Stupidity"
Result: 3 instances of SCP-1459-1 appear. Two of the instances were wearing custom dog-fitted shirts, reading "Vaccines are Death Injections" and "God Hates [EXPLETIVE REMOVED]" respectively. The two shirted instances, hereby SCP-1459-1-B and -C respectively, with the shirtless instance being -A, proceeded to bark at SCP-1459-1-A for 15 minutes. Throughout the 15 minutes, SCP-1459-1-A appeared physically distressed, covering its ears and attempting to ignore SCP-1459-1-B & -C. Eventually, SCP-1459-1-A self-terminated via repeated blunt force against SCP-1459's glass case. SCP-1459-1-B & -C terminated via the standard bludgeoning method.
Notes: This test may indicate that 1459 has opinions; alternately, it may fit subjective opinion around the user.
Honestly can't blame the little guy. I'd probably have done the same. - Dr. Crocket

Player: Junior Researcher Cuthbertson
Statement: "Marijuana Overdose"
Result: One instance of SCP-1451-1 is released. A mechanical arm feeds the instance five peanut-shaped cookies. After about nine minutes, instance begins to show signs of THC intoxication. Instance does not appear distressed, as is common for canines who have ingested marijuana. After another eleven minutes, a hatch at the top of the machine falls open and a metallic slide lowers, terminating in a bowl. Additional peanut-shaped cookies are dispensed, which SCP-1451-1 proceeds to voraciously devour. Cookies are continually dispensed. Visible distention of the stomach shows after five minutes. The instance continues to eat for another three minutes until the stomach ruptures internally. Instance continues to attempt eating dispensed cookies for four minutes until it dies, apparently of internal hemorrhaging.
Note: Dispensed one brownie, infused with THC.

Player: Junior Researcher Cuthbertson
Statement: "Reefer Madness"
Result: Three instances of SCP-1451-1 are released. A mechanical arm feeds one instance (hereby -A,) a single peanut-shaped cookie. After four minutes, instance begins to show the following symptoms; dilated pupils, reduced motor skills, loss of balance, excessive drooling, heavy panting, and distressed vocalizations. After two minutes, the remaining instances (hereby -B and -C,) approach SCP-1451-A. SCP-1451-A proceeds to yelp and stagger away from SCP-1451-B and -C. After fleeing for three minutes, SCP-1451-A then begins to show signs of aggression, growling, barking, and baring its teeth. SCP-1451-A begins to viciously attack SCP-1451-B. SCP-1451-C attacks SCP-1451-A, but the instance does not appear to notice until the termination of SCP-1451-B. While SCP-1451-A has suffered significant damage, it has little difficulty terminating SCP-1451-C. SCP-1451-A dies of blood loss from its sustained injuries after five minutes.
Note: Dispensed one brownie, infused with THC and approximately 10mg PCP.

Player: Dr. Carlson
Statement: "Selachian Pugilism"
Result: The machine releases a single instance of SCP-1451-1 before filling with water. It then releases a small entity resembling an anthropomorphic shark and armed with boxing gloves. The shark-like entity proceeds to bludgeon SCP-1451-1 until it perishes, at which point it swims back into the ceiling hatch. The water is then drained, and the deceased SCP-1451-1 is removed as normal. The dispensed cookie contained small amounts of chum.
Note: Dr. Carlson displayed extreme anger throughout this test, seeming particularly outraged by the punching behavior of the shark-like entity. Any further shark-related incidents involving Dr. Carlson are to be reported to the Site Director immediately.
I want Carlson under constant surveillance. If those shark-punching idiots can infiltrate us, then God only knows what the real threats are getting away with. -Site Director G█████

Player: Researcher Garnier
Statement: "Do your worst"
Result: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Note: Researcher Garnier and other researchers present administered amnestics and sent to psychological counselling. The cookie produced by SCP-1459 was in an advanced state of decomposition.

Player: Researcher Risotti
Statement: "Agincourt"
Result: A man in the garb of a 13th-century English longbowman manifests, and shoots SCP-1459-1 with an arrow, impaling it. The bowman then leaves through the floor hatch.
Note: Instead of a cookie, SCP-1459 produced a miniature baguette.

Player: Researcher Risotti
Statement: "Weebery"
Result: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 are produced, one of which is morbidly obese, wearing a miniature fedora, and carrying an appropriately-sized katana. A recorded voice is heard saying "お前はもう死んでいる" ("you are already dead" in Japanese) followed by another recorded voice saying "何!?" ("What!?"), after which the sword-wielding SCP-1459-1 disembowels and beheads the other SCP-1459-1; it then commits seppuku.
Note: Two cookies were dispensed. The cookies were white chocolate with red strawberry sauce on the middle, resembling a Japanese flag.

Player: Researcher ███
Statement: "Procedure 110-Montauk"
Result: SCP-1459-1 harmlessly removed through the hatch. A slightly different version of the default message ("You are definitely going to Hell for this") plays.
Note: One (1) plain cookie was produced; analysis indicated that it contained lethal amounts of cyanide. Researcher ███ amnesticized.

Player: Dr. Silva
Statement: "Music"
Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Player: Dr. Silva
Statement: "An orchestra"
Result: Several instances of SCP-1459-1 are produced and begin playing appropriately-miniaturized violins, harps, cellos, trumpets, keyboards, and various others. After 90 seconds of music, one instance strikes another instance in the head with the slide of a trombone (possibly by accident); this triggers a fight, in which instances bludgeon and strangle each other with their instruments. The last survivor is the instance wielding a conductor's baton, who bows to personnel, then collapses and dies.

Player: Dr. Plidowski
Statement: "The Holy Inquisition"
Result: SCP-1459-1 manifests apparent symptoms of rabies, after which six (6) instances of juvenile Swiss mountain dogs, dressed in miniature Swiss Guard apparel, are produced, along with a single juvenile Argentine mastiff dressed in miniature Papal garb. They bark three times at the first SCP-1459-1, and then watch as SCP-1459 produces mechanical arms holding gasoline canisters and a matchbox, which it uses to light the first instance on fire. The other instances were terminated by the default bludgeoning procedure.
Note: Cookie was a host.

Player: Researcher Voct
Statement: "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z"
Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. One bee emerges from the hatch, and stings SCP-1459-1. The instance dies of apparent anaphylaxis.

A second instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. The tank rapidly fills with water and seaweed; the instance drowns, and is removed via the trapdoor, and the water and seaweed drain out.

A third instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. Mechanical arms emerge from the ceiling, holding a bra, with which they strangle the instance.

A fourth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, wearing stereotypical "raver" clothing and carrying glowsticks. Electronic music plays loudly and lights flash as the instance dances, stopping periodically to consume unidentified pills which are offered to it by the mechanical arms; after four hours, the instance manifests signs of MDMA overdose and dies.

A fifth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. A crude but recognizable effigy of political figure [REDACTED], wearing signs that say "I HATE VOTERS", "I BETRAYED MY COUNTRY", and "I HATE DOGS" manifests, and falls on the instance, crushing it.

A sixth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, carrying an intravenous injection kit, plastic bag of powder, and bottle of liquid; notably, the instance is visibly malnourished and trembling, with multiple bald patches and sores. The instance mixes the powder with the liquid, injects the liquid into its own forearm, and then loses consciousness. A mechanical arm emerges from the ceiling, and pokes the instance, who twitches. Fifteen minutes later, the mechanical arm pokes the instance again; again, the instance twitches. This continues every fifteen minutes for three hours, at the end of which the instance is no longer responsive.

A seventh instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. Its eyes swell up so much that they fall out of their sockets, but are still attached. The instance begins panicking, and begins pawing at the eyes, which by this point are larger than the instance's head; eventually, the instance falls such that the eyes roll on top of its head and crush its skull.

An eighth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. An estimated 30 blue jays (Cyanocitta cristata) emerge from the hatch and attack the instance, pecking it to death.

A ninth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, and given a large trough of water. As the instance drinks, mechanical arms emerge from the ceiling hatch, holding a large bucket of powdered metal. The arms then invert the bucket over the trough. As the powder contacts the water, it explodes violently, killing the instance.

A tenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, and crushed under a giant lemon.

An eleventh instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, as are 75 canisters of compressed oxygen. The mechanical arms open all the canisters; after four hours, the instance develops symptoms of oxygen toxicity, and dies after another 18 hours.

A twelfth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. It begins urinating; after 22 days of continuous urination, the tank is full of urine, at which point the instance drowns.

A thirteenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, and bludgeoned with a pool cue.

A fourteenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, and crushed under an estimated 1.2 million Indian 1-rupee coins.

A fifteenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. The mechanical arms emerge from the ceiling hatch, wielding several steaming teapots and teakettles; the arms empty these onto the instance, scalding it to death.

A sixteenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced; notably, it is of the hairless Xoloitzcuintli breed. The mechanical arms emerge from the ceiling hatch, wielding high-intensity ultraviolet blacklights, which they shine on the instance. The instance rapidly develops third-degree burns and what appear to be multiple melanomas; as with the sixth instance, mechanical arms prod it every 15 minutes until, after 4 days, it is no longer responsive.

A seventeenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. A double-sided plate-glass mirror drops from the ceiling hatch and bisects it longitudinally.

An eighteenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. 10 mechanical arms emerge from the ceiling, wielding laboratory equipment; an eleventh arm restrains the instance, and takes a tissue sample. The other arms process the sample for karyotyping; after eleven days of processing, the completed karyogram reveals that the instance is XX (genetically female). The arms restrain the instance again, examine its genitalia, and then drop it through the trapdoor unharmed. A nineteenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is likewise revealed to be genetically female, and dropped through the trapdoor unharmed; a twentieth instance, however, is revealed to be be XY (genetically male), and is bludgeoned to death with the lab equipment.

A twenty-first instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. A man identified as American actor Douglas Fairbanks (1883-1939) manifests, wearing the cloak, sombrero, and mask, and wielding the sword, from his portrayal of the character "Zorro"; notably, Zorro was known for using a sword to slice a 'Z' into walls as a signature. Fairbanks draws the sword, and slices a 'Z' into the instance, who exsanguinates. Fairbanks then drops the sword, removes the sombrero and mask, takes a jar of cookies from under his cloak, and eats 21 cookies one by one, staring silently at observers the whole time. He then exits through the trapdoor. No cookies were dispensed.

Player: Doctor Margin
Statement: "Use its entrails to have a conversation with me."
Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.
Note: Doctor Margin was attempting to conduct an interview with SCP-1459.

Player: Doctor Margin
Statement: "God fucking damn it."(Note: Statement uttered after previous attempt failed)
Result: Instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. SCP-1459-1 proceeds to appear agitated for several seconds, whimpering. Entity resembling SCP-343 appears and picks up SCP-1459-1. The bottom hatch opens, from which the sounds of whining and burning can be heard. Entity resembling SCP-343 lifted SCP-1459-1 over its head before throwing it violently into the hatch while screaming "FUCK YOU!" Entity then went through the top hatch.
Note: SCP-343 manifested immediately afterwards, took the cookie dispensed, ate it, and demanifested. When subsequently asked why it had done this, SCP-343 declined to answer.
I really hate this job sometimes. Still, interesting result. - Doctor Margin

Player: Doctor Griswold
Statement: “Someone who knows how to kill SCP-682.”
Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.

Player: Doctor Lucas
Statement: "Something which cannot kill SCP-682."
Result: A man wearing the uniform of a Foundation security guard emerges, wielding a shotgun. He fires repeatedly at the instance, missing each time. Once his ammunition is exhausted, he attempts several times to bludgeon the instance with the shotgun, but again misses each time. The instance is then terminated by the default bludgeoning method.

Player: Researcher Lane
Statement: "Your choice."
Result: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Note: Cookie produced was described by Researcher Lane as "the best thing I've ever eaten." Subsequently, Researcher Lane is hereby banned from using SCP-1459.

Player: Dr. Miller
Statement: "Samsung Galaxy Note 7"
Result: A Samsung Galaxy Note 7 on a standard charger appeared next to the SCP-1459-1 instance. 30 minutes later, the Note 7 exploded, instantly killing the SCP-1459-1 instance.

Player: Dr. Willows
Statement: "Give it a bone."
Result: SCP-1459 emitted a noise signalling that the suggested method had already been used.
Note: Despite not performing any actions, one oatmeal cookie was dispensed. Dr. Willows stated that it tasted "extremely dry."

Player: Dr. Willows
Statement: "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
Result: A mechanical arm produced seven woodchucks (Marmota momax), each carrying a small log. The woodchucks proceeded to pelt SCP-1459-1 with the logs at rapid speeds, producing extra logs by anomalous means until the container was completely filled. The logs were dropped through the floor and into a series of high-powered chipping mechanisms, emptying the container within five minutes.
Note: Seven cookies were dispensed. Microscopic analysis concludes that they were made entirely out of cork.

Player: Dr. Johnson
Statement: "Falling anvil"
Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.
I figured as much. -Dr. Johnson

Player: Dr. Johnson
Statement: "Grand piano"
Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.
That one too?! -Dr. Johnson

Player: Dr. Johnson
Statement: "Pushed off of a cliff by a boulder."
Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used.
Why is all of the cartoon stuff already used? -Dr. Johnson.

Player: Dr. Johnson
Statement: "Hit on the head by an anvil, then crushed by a grand piano and pushed off of a cliff by a boulder."
Result: A cliff appeared with the SCP-1459-1 instance on it. The instance was then struck on the head by a falling anvil but survived. The instance was then crushed by a falling grand piano, but it survived. A boulder then appeared and the flattened instance was pushed off of the cliff.
Finally! -Dr. Johnson.

Player: Dr. Davidson
Statement: "The trolley problem."
Result: Trolley tracks consistent with the trolley problem's layout. 5 instances of SCP-1459-1 appeared on the main track and 1 instance on the side track. SCP-1459 then produced a circle with "SWITCH" written inside it on the glass case. Dr. Davidson then decided to let the countdown reach 0, at which point a trolley appeared from side of chamber, ran over the instances on the main track. The remaining instance on the side track was then terminated via the default bludgeoning method.
Note: 5 cookies, each with two chocolate lines similar to trolley tracks, were dispensed.

Player: Dr. Davidson
Statement: "Hey, have you seen the new Avengers movie?" (Note: this question was directed at Dr. Carlson, and not intended as input.)
Result: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced. The sound of a finger snap was heard, and one of the instances crumbled to ash. The other was terminated by the default bludgeoning method.
Note: Cookie dispensed contained six ███ brand candies arranged in a circle, colored orange, red, blue, purple, and yellow.
No, I haven't seen it, but now I guess there's no point. -Dr. Carlson

Player: Dr. Overholt
Statement: "Touch of the Void"
Result: A large tentacle, consisting of smooth skin on all sides and red in coloration with a blue tip emerges instead of an arm. It grasped the SCP-1459-1 instance by the ankle, and upon contact the SCP-1459-1 instance began to tremble. Parts of its body began to deform, with chitinous growths and additional limbs beggining to form. Approximiatley thirty seconds after contact, the SCP-1459-1 instance solidified into a chalky material, and the tentacle receeded. The SCP-1459-1 instance was then struck with a hammer, and shattered instantly.
Note: Cookie dispensed consisted of what appeared to be the material that the SCP-1459-1 instance was converted into. Analysis of the material has been inconclusive.

Player: Dr. Brötchen
Statement: “Suicide”
Result: SCP-1459 began use the default bludgeoning method, when the SCP-1459-1 instance removed the mallet from the robotic limb and proceeded to bludgeon itself with it. This took approximately 15 minutes until the instance was terminated and disposed of.

Player: Dr. Brötchen
Statement: “Enlightenment”
Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating that the method of extermination had previously been used.

Player: Dr. Brötchen
Statement: “Existentialism”
Result: SCP-1459-1 instance walked towards the front window of SCP-1459 and looked at Dr. Brötchen with a pleading expression while making whimpering noises. This continued until the instance was then bludgeoned against the window with a mallet in the default method.
Note: Cookie dispensed was slightly burnt. Chemical analysis found that it contained trace amounts of arsenic.

Player: Dr. Brötchen
Statement: “Portal”
Result: The entrance and exit of a small portal were formed on both sides of SCP-1459. The instance of SCP-1459-1 walked over to the entrance and proceeded through. As SCP-1459-1 was halfway through, the portal abruptly closed, severing the instance at the waist. The wound created was instantly cauterized by the energy creating the portals, and the corpse was disposed of.
Note: Cookie dispensed was in the shape of a cartoon heart. The cookie was covered in pink frosting, along with gray frosting that spelled “You Monster”.

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