Item #: SCP-1132
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: Due to the high percentage of personnel affected by SCP-1132, the lack of evidence suggesting that SCP-1132 may have any negative effects on the mental or physical welfare of such personnel, as well as having passed all memetic hazard screening and quarantine requirements, personnel affected by SCP-1132 are allowed to continue working unless deemed unstable or dangerous by psychiatric or medical staff.
SCP-1132-affected personnel are to be reminded that their afflictions cannot be used as an excuse to disregard standard procedures or violate Foundation safety guidelines. Foundation personnel affected by SCP-1132 are strictly prohibited from arming and firing their instances of SCP-1132.
Description: SCP-1132 is an anomalous phenomenon that affects Foundation personnel, especially those involved in the transcription of documents or records. Personnel affected by SCP-1132 will develop a cranial growth over the course of their employment that will gradually form into a fully functional artillery cannon. The specific type of artillery formed by SCP-1132 varies from subject to subject; to date, no two instances have been precisely alike.
Personnel affected by SCP-1132 also gain a tendency to argue extensively about the specific pros and cons of their particular instance. While this does not appear to be any kind of harmful compulsion or memetic effect, personnel are encouraged to minimize such interaction due to the negative impact on productivity and to remember that each individual's SCP-1132 instance is unique and perfectly acceptable as it is.
Addendum 1132-01: Transcript of Surveillance Recording
Dr. ███████: So, as I was saying, my head-cannon is by far the longest and pretty much ought to be the gold standard of how these things should go.
Dr. █████: Oh, please. The 1700s want their muzzleloaders back, mine's a rifled piece of art. Short or not, you'd be crazy to consider anything else "standard".
Dr. █████████: Are you kidding me? That's not even a head-cannon, it's more like a head-mortar. How do you expect us to take you seriously when you can't even get basic definitions right?
Dr. █████: It's still a cannon, whether you want to believe it or not, and I'm pretty sure most of the others would agree with me. It's not my fault that most of you can't even be arsed to use rifling, it's not like it's been a thing since 1855.
Dr. ███████: Come on guys, I'm trying to make a point here. Mine's still the longest and while size isn't everything, it's pretty freaking important, okay?
Dr. █████: That's what she said.
Dr. █████████: Alright, whatever, you losers do whatever you want. I know I'm right and I don't need your approval when you guys can't even get your historical facts straight.
Dr. █████: Who are you calling a loser, dipshit?
Dr. ███████: Hey, there's no need to — JESUS CHRIST HE'S ARMED
(sound of explosion, followed by fire alarms and breach alerts)
Following this incident, Dr. █████ was placed on administrative leave for a period of no less than six (6) months pending a review from the Department of Professional Responsibility regarding his conduct in the aforementioned incident as well as resorting to ad hominem.