Item #: SCP-10101
Object Class: Awesome
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-10101 is to be given a luxury residence with at least 120 rooms, fifteen (15) bedrooms and ten (10) jacuzzis inside, and a personal butler or two. All requests made by SCP-10101 are to be fulfilled immediately, no matter what the cost. So far, SCP-10101 has requested:
- Collected works of his favorite author, Terry Pratchett, hardbound in only the finest skin from endangered species of animals (approved)
- At least five (5) nubile women every evening, for sexual purposes (approved)
- Expensive food of the finest quality, including: fugu, caviar, SCP-████, and others (approved)
- Pocket money to the tune of a million dollars zillion dollars blank check each week (approved)
Under no circumstances is hip-hop, rap, or other awful pseudo-music to be played in the vicinity of SCP-10101, as this causes the subject to enter a rage state.
As hanging out with losers cramps SCP-10101's style, all personnel working with SCP-10101 must be subjected to the standard Rivertam Coolness Test. Any personnel who scores less than 1.2 decikaminas on the scale is forbidden from close contact with SCP-10101. Any personnel who score negative on the test are urged to stay at least twenty meters away from SCP-10101, due to the risk of instant immolation from sheer awesome.
Description: SCP-10101 is an incredibly handsome teenager, 18 years of age, wearing metal glasses. Hair is blonde, eyes are blue. SCP-10101 likes to wear black and dark blue and prefers jeans. SCP-10101's favorite pizza toppings are pineapples and sausage, but I dislike chicken and tomatoes; his favorite show is My Little Pony Friendship is Magic.1 He likes to be called "Jack, the King of Everything"; staff is to refer to SCP-10101 as this under penalty of torture. Subject's varied interests include video games, surfing the Internet and writing creepypasta. SCP-10101 does, in fact, shower every day and is not a "no-life virgin", and all who claim otherwise are to be terminated.
Acquisition: SCP-10101 had a difficult childhood: his parents were total squares who didn't allow me to play videogames or go to parties after midnight. His powers first manifested at the age of 16, and were promptly used to utterly humiliate all students and teachers at his school who ever mistreated him (especially D█████, a worthless piece of shit, who died very slowly and painfully). Soon afterwards, SCP-10101 arrived at Site 19, bypassed all security measures, and personally requested that he be allowed to help the SCP Foundation in its mission.
Further investigation revealed that SCP-10101's talents are supreme. He is able to hack into any known computer system ("I'm not even sure how I do that, I just go with the flow"), is better at science than the Foundation's finest researchers ("I suppose I remember a thing or two from high school") and has proven himself adept at hand-to-hand warfare ("I watched a kung fu movie once, it's easy"). Soon after his arrival SCP-10101 began hanging out with all the coolest characters, including Dr. Clef, Dr. Gears, Dr. Kondraki, Kain Pathos Crow, Dr. Bright, Dr. Rights, agent Strelnikov, agent Yoric, etc.
Dr. Clef took SCP-10101 under his wing to give him lessons in tactical combat; however, it soon became apparent, in Dr. Clef's words, that "this motherfucker was teaching me more than I could teach him." SCP-10101 is currently busy organizing his own Mobile Task Force, MTF-Sigma-Billion-Twelve-Banana.
SCP-10101 is friendly towards humanity and is on the side of good. While on multiple occasions he has helped in capturing or terminating various evil SCPs, he steadfastly refuses to help us capture good SCPs. SCP-10101's stalwart honor and morality puts our organisation to shame; by his demand, the O5 council has vowed to cease appeasement of SCP-089, free SCP-231-7 from her plight, and in general never hurt any innocent person ever again, so that we can finally be the heroes the world deserves.
Superpowers: Currently known superpowers include:
- Sheer awesomeness, comparable to Chuck Norris, Jackie Chan and Bill Gates combined2
- The ability to lift 48736598346587.313352142 ± 0.000000003 tonnes of burden over his head
- The ability to run with the speed of a hojillion km/s
- An IQ of 9873857, and then some3
- Immunity to diseases, poison, fire, cold, radiation, acid, disintegration, erasure from reality, any physical harm, death, tofu, plot device, and everything else
- The ability to (by mere force of will) heal all diseases that afflict any being, instantly
- The ability to transform/manipulate matter and reality in any way he wishes
- Most spectacularly, [DATA EXPUNGED]
Addendum 10101-1: It should be noted that in the past, for some reason, a certain stupid girl named K████ A████████ has rejected SCP-10101 as her boyfriend, instead choosing another boy who was dumb, uncool and not at all as sexy as SCP-10101. It is theorized that K████ A████████ is a stupid bitch who will one day be sorry for this. For now, SCP-10101 has settled for SCP-105 as his girlfriend and concubine.
Cross-SCP Testing: At SCP-10101's request, he has been cross-tested with several of the coolest SCP items in Foundation custody.
- Item: SCP-076-2
- Result: SCP-10101 demands a duel with SCP-076-2. At own request, SCP-10101 has his eyes blindfolded, arms and legs tied, and plugs put in his ears. The battle takes two (2) seconds and obviously ends in SCP-10101's victory. Impressed, SCP-076-2 makes to the subject an offer to join the Mobile Task Force Omega-7. SCP-10101 laughs in SCP-076-2's stupid face and sneers snarkily, "Sorry, buddy, but your little playground gang will just have to do without me. I know I wouldn't accept a loser like you in my MTF!"
- Note: SCP-076-2 reprimanded for wasting SCP-10101's time with absurd offers and forced to apologize.
- Item: SCP-056
- Result: [DATA EXPUNGED] SCP-056 given grief counseling.
- Item: SCP-177
- Result: While casually reading through the top-secret Foundation files, SCP-10101 becomes aware of SCP-177 and requests a duel. Subject proceeds to effortlessly win several games with SCP-177. SCP-10101 is not observing the board directly, but rather dictates his moves from another room, all while preparing an omelette, playing I Wanna Be The Guy (on the hardest difficulty level and with the monitor turned off), and balancing (barefoot) on barbed wire 0.5 mm thin over a river of lava (with spikes in the river) (with bees on the spikes). Furthermore, SCP-10101 refuses to be informed of any moves made by SCP-177, instead taking lucky guesses.
- Item: SCP-953
- Result: SCP-10101, accompanied by armed guards, opens door to SCP-953's cell. SCP-953 snarls at SCP-10101. SCP-10101 enters SCP-953's cell and requests "a half hour of privacy" for "a little one-on-one"; request is granted. After 30 minutes SCP-10101 leaves cell, smiling enigmatically and blowing a kiss to SCP-953. Subsequent interviews with SCP-953 reveal that subject is no longer evil and is sorry for all she had done.
- Note: "Instead of keeping her all locked up and stuff, you cruel bastards just needed to approach her humanely. I knew someone so pretty couldn't be iredeemably evil." — SCP-10101
- Item: SCP-777-J
- Result: [DATA TOO AWESOME] No survivors. SCP-2000 utilized. SCP-10101 and SCP-777-J promise that their next battle will take place on some planet nobody needs anymore.
Incident Log 10101-3300:
SCP-10101 and O5-13 enter the guard station overlooking SCP-682's chamber. SCP-10101 takes a nonchalant look at SCP-682.
SCP-10101: (dismissively) So what's this guy's deal?
O5-13: That's SCP-682. We have been trying to destroy it for years now. It regenerates from everything we throw at it; our brightest minds are stymied.
SCP-10101: (rolls eyes) Oh puhleeeeze. What'd you ever do without me? I bet I could take this guy down in ten seconds. Open the door!
O5-13: Impossible! Are you crazy? We'll all die! Nobody can possibly face SCP-682 and survive!
SCP-10101: Look, pal, drop the bureaucracy and just trust me, dammit! I know what I'm doing!
O5-13: …Everyone, do as he says.
SCP-10101 enters SCP-682's chamber. Immediate panic reaction from SCP-682.
[YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OLDER]
D-class attendants enter chamber to remove lifeless corpse of SCP-682.
SCP-10101: What'd I say? Ten. Seconds. Flat. I'd never leave the Foundation hangin'. I'd say I'm twenty (20) percent cooler than any one of you.
O5-13: …You know, there's no reason there can't be fourteen O5's.
SCP-10101: That will not be necessary. I feel that job would be… beneath me. Especially considering my real position in the Foundation.
O5-13: It cannot be…
SCP-10101: (puts on sunglasses) That's right. I am your Founder.
(Explosions erupt one meter behind SCP-10101 for a period of six seconds while a dramatic guitar chord can be heard. Source of these phenomena is unknown.)