Hi. I'm (sigh) Research Assistant Corbette. I'm gonna be straight here… I kind of had a long night last night aaaand I threw up an Advil this morning. So… yeah. You may be wondering why I'm giving this orientation. That's a good question.
Anyways, I'm here to talk to you about properly recording things when you write down containment procedures, or descriptions, or… incident reports, or… yeah… This is, uh, pretty important, I guess. I mean, you can't write shitty reports, or else you'll be, y'know, fired, or… something…
Okay, now, before we even get onto writing stuff it's important that you all know what to add as a picture. Now, I know some of these things may be scary to photograph, but I swear to god, if I see one more fucking artist's depiction, I don't… It's just… No. Just… put in a picture or don't put something in at all, okay?
So… the first part that everyone sees after the photograph is the item number. Now, I don't even know how many times I've seen some dumb-ass who didn't capitalize, or put in a hyphen, or some shit. Look, okay, that's just… How could you forget that? Honestly? What could possibly have made you forget to put in a FUCKING. HYPHEN. Jesus, I thought you were memetically chosen or some shit. I don't even know how they recruit nowadays. They, like, they do the online thing now, right? Yeah? Oh, okay, yeah. So, yeah, just… remember hyphens, okay?
Now, after that comes the object class. Now, I don't care how pants-shittingly terrifying the gigantic blob looks, if all it's gonna do is make the floor slimy, it's NOT. KETER. Do we need to destroy this thing? No. Is it even going to kill any of us? No! Well… unless you're, like, old or some shit and break your hip. Look, just… try the locked room thing. I'm pretty sure you all know it, okay? If it does nothing to escape the room, it's Safe. If you don't know what the fuck, it's Euclid. If it pops out and eats your grandmother who slipped on the slime covered floor and broke her hip, it's Keter. Okay? Okay.
The next p- Are you… are you serious? That's not even, like, a good ringtone. And you're a junior anyways, when the fuck did you get phone permissions? Give me that. Oh, look, he was texting somebody else. "This class fucking su-" Fuck you buddy! Get out of my class! No, get out! Jesus Christ. I didn't even want to teach this, ok? Can we just… can we move on, please?
Okay, the Containment Procedures. This is the most important part of the document because, y'know, people have to follow these instructions to contain the thing. That means you can't mess up and end up having researchers pour Orange Juice on a Scip instead of Potassium Iodide (and end up teaching some random assholes about proper documentation). And puh-lease do your research beforehand. Listen people, Alchemy died 200 years ago. You can't consult a practitioner of it, ok? If there are any questions, just direct it to the head researcher, ok? What? Well maybe they're blacked out because YOU'RE ALL AMATEURS WHO WE CAN'T TRUST TO DEAL WITH A HIGH-CLEARANCE SCIP!
Next up we have the description. This is pretty straight forward. Just… please be clinical, okay? The scip's skin is not pale as the moonlight in colour, okay? It's fucking white. You understand? And don't just insert an expungement willy nilly. I understand sometimes it's been a long day and it's just easier to insert a redacted here and there until tomorrow, but when I'm looking at a document and I see "SCP-4321 is a humanoid that [DATA EXPUNGED]", it's just… It's not fun for anyone.
As for the experiment log, you're really free to do anything. But please, for the love of god, be clear in your recording. I'm sure you're all aware of a certain incident involving sharks, and I don't want to see anything like that again. Just… promise me you won't do that. Please?
I think that about ends this lecture. You're all free to go. Oh, before you leave, if I see any of you making any HILAROUS comments at the end of reports I will find you and we'll INVENT Keter duty just for you. That's about it. Anybody have a fucking Tylenol?
Wow, that lecture sucked. - Junior Researcher James