Portlands Derby Teams
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Deer College Odyssey

The Buck Stops Here

THREE PORTLANDS FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2017 FREE - NO REFUNDS

PORTLANDS DERBY TEAMS

RANKED BY HOW MUCH THEY SCARE ME

by Sports Correspondent (Unofficial) Sofia Haugen (⁂judgementgay)

Three Portlands has more roller derby teams per capita than anywhere else in the world, and all of them scare me shitless. I am absolutely sure any one derby player from this fine city would destroy me in a fight, magic or no, and since they travel in packs, I live my life in a constant state of low-grade anxiety, expecting at any moment to be trampled by a mob of lesbians on wheels1. But not all derby teams are equally frightening, and my editor said2 I need to churn out a listicle this month or they'll replace me as sports reporter with someone who "can meet a deadline" and "actually likes sports"; so here's every roller derby team in Three Portlands, plus a few teams that aren't technically from here but play here a lot3, ranked by how much they scare me.


#8: LEGION OF DYNAMIC DERBY

The perennial joke of the Portlands derby scene, the LDD (also known as the Little Deluded Dupes, the Load of Dopey Discordians, and Hey At Least Their After-Parties Kick Ass) is sponsored by the Three Portlands branch of the Paratheo-Anametamystikhood Of Eris Esoteric, a Discordian disorganization that is more organized here than anywhere else. They haven't won a game since May 23, 2005; they claim that their losing streak will not end for 23 years, at which point they'll emerge from their ashes led by the Goddess Eris Herself, and finally win the championship. Nobody else is that hopeful. Off the rink, they're a bunch of stoners, chaos mages, and anartists who probably wouldn't hurt a fly—except for the team captain, who is a full turducken of secrets and is scary enough for the rest of the team.

Team Captain: Alliott "Black Queen" Chao
Notable Members: Georgia "On My Mind" Dorn; Selena "Shieldmaiden" Hagbardsdottir; Esperanza "Eschaton" Olmos
Fear Factor: 5/13 (Bad Trip, But Not Too Bad)


#7.5: THE X-FILES

The officially unofficial team of Three Portlands' local FBI office4. They're usually underfunded, understaffed, and overworked, both in their professional lives and on the roller rink. You would think that a team composed entirely of the feds would scare me more, what with the felony possession quantities of both psilocybin mushrooms and vengeful spectres I have stored in my basement, but they have bigger things to worry about than my plan to haunt the shit out of the entire freshman class when they all trip for the first time during fall break5—it's hard enough stopping things from spilling over into Mundania without worrying about our Wacky Collegiate Hijinks, so I'm not sure they actually give a shit about me.

Team Captain: Dinah "Skull-y" Howard
Notable Members: Roxy "Rox Mulder" Chabout; Valarie "Val Capone" Dell; Renee "Kit-n-Run" Morin
Fear Factor: 6.7/13 (That X-Files Episode With The Hillbilly Incest-Family)


#7: THE DOUBLE DEES

Formerly the Deer Deers, the Double Dees rebranded in the early '00s, replacing their former mascot, a herd of deer fused together by a biomantic lab accident, with a two-headed ectoclone of Elizabethan court magician John Dee. The DDs tend to be old-school spell-slingers, preferring an ice lance or a fireball to some of the more technological or postmodernly-magical techniques favored by other teams; they don't have the fancy enchanted equipment that a certain other university can afford, but they make do with shielding charms and oil of acceleration, like the rollerderbyists of ye ölden dayes. Their general wizardly aptitude would put them much higher on the list, but the team captain is my girlfriend and I'm pretty sure she would stop them from actually killing me.

Team Captain: Juniper "Junebug" Nguyen6
Notable Members: "Abandon All" Hope Garfunkel; Susan "Sue-nami" Sakamoto; Avehi "Crush-Her" Gopalasawamy
Fear Factor: 8.3/13 (Final Exam [Studied For])


#6.5: LUCID SPORTS DREAM

OK, nobody's really sure what the deal is with this team. Sometimes a whole team in Portlands will wake up with the memories and bruises of a game they clearly did not physically play. During these games, their opponents change shape, sometimes wearing the faces of friends and loved ones; they use spells seemingly pulled from the minds of the other players; they even adopt the tactics of former opponents, using the strange memory-magic of the dreamworld to their distinct advantage. They're definitely sponsored by Oneiroi Incorporated—teams that beat them wake up with a coupon for 20% off their next Lucidream™ Spa Day tucked under their pillows—but beyond that, nothing is known of their origin, their motives, or their waking-world identities.

Team Captain: Nancy "Nightmare Nan" Dishwasher-Jones
Notable Members: A Swarm Of Bea Arthurs; "Faceless" Francine Half-A-Ham; Briar "Thorny" Angerman
Fear Factor: 9.1/13 (The Dream Where Your Teeth Fall Out)


#6: TITANIA'S TERRORS

The team of choice for Fae and Sidhe Portlanders, Titania's Terrors has a middling win-loss record, primarily due to their sheer number of disqualifications for unsportsmanlike conduct. Their enthusiasm for pre-game, post-game, and mid-game pranks often goes too far, leading to some or all of the team being ejected from the game. It's their skill at pranking people that really scares me; while us Deeries are known for our strong pranking culture, the TTs take it up a notch, and if I caught their eye it would all be over. Still, none of their pranks have ended in permanent injury or transfiguration, so they don't quite clear the 10.0 mark.

Team Captain: Aoife "A-Bomb" Ó Baoighill
Notable Members: Kiana "Heart Attack" Foxglove; Anastasia "Bear Arms" Domovoi; Rosa "Redcap" Kapp
Fear Factor: 9.6/13 (Grizzly Bear)


#5: RINK SPHINXES

The ICSUT team is, to an unbiased observer, admittedly less threatening than the Deer team. Their coach, ICSUT's gate-sphinx, is pretty scary, but she isn't allowed to ask real riddles any more and she hasn't eaten anyone in over a decade, so even she's losing some of her personal Fear Factor. But, since I'm a Deerie, I have to be afraid of the ICSUT team—they're our bitter rivals in everything from chess to moopsball to debate7, and if we don't maintain our fear levels a little bit over what seems to be justified they might catch us off-guard. Their gear is all enchanted, and they do have the extra benefit of knowing how science works, and that intellectual edge alone pushes them into the Fear Factor double-digits.

Team Captain: Margaret "Magnum Opus" St-Germain
Notable Members: "Thrill Kill" Jill Thorpe; Daniella "Dani Doom" Lucero; Louise "Lucky Lou" Bertelsen
Fear Factor: 10.1/13 (Final Exam [Did Not Study For])


#4: THE CLEVER GRRRLS

The Jurassic District neighborhood team. With a pack of time-displaced Deinonychus serving as their mascots and a pack-hunting combat style that relies heavily on the use of semilegal spurs attached to their skates, I have no doubt that they could and would destroy me. Rumor has it that some of the members have augmented their own genomes with dinosaur DNA, giving them enhanced reflexes and strength, scaly skin, and a taste for raw meat—some real supervillain shit going on, if you believe what you read in the newspapers. However, none of the current roster are capable wardbreakers, so I could probably hole up behind a mystical shield until they decided I wasn't worth bothering with.

Team Captain: Gina "T-Regina" Hagemayer
Notable Members: Melanie "Melociraptor" van Dyne; Elizabeth "Terrible Liz" Chen; Xena "X-Tinction" Galloway
Fear Factor: 11.7/13 (Deinonychus, appropriately)


#3.5: THE '64 BROWNS

While technically having an all-male team—or even a team that's more than 50% male—is against the bylaws of the Portlands Derby League, the '64 Browns won the Super Bowl in a shutout victory over the Colts, so you gotta give them some leeway. Nobody's quite sure what these guys' deal is—clones, time-echoes, vengeful ghosts, whatever—but everyone knows that they're killer on the rink. I've never heard of anyone playing a home game against them, since presumably their home rink is in Cleveland, and there is no reason anyone should ever have to go to Cleveland. Their score is so high because, let's face it, they're a bunch of football players who will be in the prime of their careers forever, or until the Browns win the Super Bowl again, so forever.

Team Captain: Frank "One More Shot" Ryan
Notable Members: Jim "Slaughter" Brown; Dick "The Mule" Schafrath; Bill "Glass Jaw" Glass
Fear Factor: 12.0/13 (American Football's Iron Grip On The Nation)


#3: ANDY'S ANDROIDS

This Anderson Robotics-sponsored team is technically composed of cyborgs, rather than androids, since league rules require all players to still have some meat left in them. Since Robocop is almost as scary as Terminator, they're high up on the list; I've seen some of their hardware in action, and let me tell you, technology at its best can be just as devastating as the sorcerous arts. Most of them have built-in skates, and all of them have subdermal armor that lets them forgo the pads; their jammer, Terminatrix, has rocket boosters in her thighs that are only still legal because the league didn't think anyone would do something so mind-bogglingly foolish.

Team Captain: Styx "Silver Hammer" Kilroy
Notable Members: Scarlett "Terminatrix" Wyrne; Laura "Killdozer" Lucchese; Antonia "'Ton Servo" Vidovic
Fear Factor: 13/13 (Great White Shark)


#2: THE LIGHTHICE

The Three Portlands Community College Team, the Lighthice, are a strong #2 in the local derby scene. What they lack in magickal prowess they make up for in speed, strength, cunning, and general unwillingness to lose. In the last three years, they've only lost to the next team on this list; they've beaten every other team that Portlands had to offer, without a single sorcerous incantation or paratech augmentation. The Lighthice play derby the way it was meant to be played, by just being a more hardcore motherfucker than the other team. Also, they're the only team that has a strict no-straights no-men policy, which should just be common sense, but is apparently "controversial" and "heterophobic" and "reverse sexism".

Team Captain: Kaija "Petit Mort" Loiri
Notable Members: Naomi "CAPSLOCK" Hancock; Elena "Elle Diablo" Marín; Aziza "Zeez Nuts" Sayid
Fear Factor: 69/13 (Grizzly Bear Wielding A Katana And Riding A Great White Shark)


#1: THE FIGHTIN' UNITARIANS

Here we go. You all knew it was coming. The reigning, defending, undisputed, seven-time Three Portlands Roller Derby Champions, the Fighting Unitarians are possibly the scariest team to ever hit a roller rink. Seeing one of their blue-and-white "FU" shirts8 coming up at you from behind is possibly the worst thing that can happen in the world of derby. The most terrifying thing about them is their fanatic devotion to the values of interfaith discourse and spiritual growth; they draw on every possible mystical tradition and source of occult power when preparing for a match, making them both unpredictable and immensely potent. Also my ex is on the team and there's some real bad blood there.

Team Captain: Reverend Sophia "The Pacifist" Smith
Notable Members: Diana "Giga-Hurt" Paljevac; Silvia "Carbo-Load" Penne-Rigati9; Niina "Nirvana Mama" Nishimoto10
Fear Factor: 420/13 (Incomparable)


Alright, I've fulfilled my contractually-mandated listicle quota for the month, so I'm going to take my check11 and put it in a hollow log in the canyon like always because I don't trust the banks. Look for me again next month, when I'll write some shit like "Every Sport In Which There Is No Rule That Says A Dog Can't Play It Ranked By How Many Dogs Have Played It Professionally".

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