Uncle Nicolini's Proposal... Maybe.
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fuckyoushark.jpg

Aftermath of SPC-001 use in the field. Note the mocks and threats directed to the Mistaken Beast written on the selachian's corpse.

Project #: SPC-001

Selachian Pugnātorial Capabilities: Use of SPC-001 has increased the effectiveness of pugilistic processes and reduced risks posed to Center personnel. The effective range of SPC-001 far exceeds previously known means of selachian pugilistic engagement and has proven to be exponentially more powerful.

SPC-001's effectiveness on non-selachian entities is undergoing experimentation.

Project Components: SPC-001 refers to an advanced form of experimental weaponry created by combining research into the arcane fields of metallurgy, thaumatology, and physics in an effort to increase the pugnātorial strength of Center personnel. It is portable, requires minimal maintenance, and is simple to operate. On use, SPC-001 will generate a fist-shaped ecto-kinetic energy manifestation of selachian disdain which strikes its target with unbridled hatred.

Despite its relative ease of production, SPC-001 is resource-intensive. Implementation is to remain Tubular-Class knowledge until further notice. Non-Tubular personnel inquiring on the nature of SPC-001 are to be K.O'd without further inquiry.

Augmentation Summary 0.01: Center personnel Justine Everwood was recently injured, losing her preferred combat extremity (right arm) to a selachian mandible strike. Due to her Bodacious Brawler Babe clearance, Everwood was selected to participate in SPC-001 testing. Shortly following a briefing on the Project, Everwood's bionic arm replacement surgery was altered to include SPC-001 augmentation.

Below is a transcript from a video recorded on Jack 'The Snack' Bright's1 cellular device2 during testing.

<BEGIN LOG>

Everwood and Dr. Summer-Man stand a few nautical meters from Bright. Everwood is pointing her augmented SPC-001 arm at a selachian-shaped target in the distance.

Summer-Man: Just focus on punching the shark.

Everwood: But… without actually punching it?

Summer-Man: Yes.

Everwood: This is stupid. I have a perfectly good left arm, why can't I go over there and give him the old one-two?

Summer-Man: Because you're all ones and no two's.

[Summer-Man pats SPC-001. Everwood retracts it from his reach.]

Everwood: Okay, but… I don't understand how this is supposed to help me punch things. I need to approach it to beat the crap out of it, not stay way over here.

Summer-Man: Look straight at the target, aim your arm at it too. Think of punching the shark.

Everwood: I already am.

Summer-Man: Work with me here, okay? Point your sick cyborg arm at the target and think about punching a shark.

Everwood: Hell yeah. I want to fuck up its nose so bad it can't smell for a week.

Summer-Man: Good, good! Keep thinking those thoughts.

Everwood: I want to knock its stupid teeth out. Who does that piece of shit think he is smiling at me with so many god damn teeth? I'll show that smarmy basta-

[Everwood is interrupted as a fist-shaped energy projectile fires from SPC-001. All three present vocalize surprise before a loud crashing sound is heard on the other side of the room. The target dummy is fucking destroyed.]

Everwood: Whoa. That was awesome!

Summer-Man: I know, right?!

Bright: That was kickass, dude! Look, I got it all on video!

Summer-Man: Dude, you're not supposed to be recording, this is secret stuff.

Bright: Oh shit, don't tell G-

[Recording blurs as the camera is quickly moved before cutting abruptly.]

<END LOG>

Augmentation Summary 0.02: Field tests using SPC-001 were arranged. Sea Patrol P-1221 was sailed out to known selachian-infested waters. The following are results recorded across various missions.

Enemy: Nurse Shark
Results: Fucking exploded.
Notes: Awesome! - J

Enemy: Pygmy Shark
Results: Fucking exploded.
Notes: Cool! - J

Enemy: Blue Shark
Results: Fucking exploded.
Notes: I'm never gonna get tired of that. - J

Enemy: Bottlenose Dolphin
Results: Fucking exploded.
Notes: What kind of self-respecting mammal willingly goes back into the water? -J.

Enemy: Wobbegong
Results: Projectile bounced and hit a nearby tuna, which fucking exploded.
Notes: Was that even a shark? - J

Enemy: Are We PETA Yet? Activist
Results: What's worse than 'fucking exploded'? Because whatever that is, that's what happened.
Notes: This works against people too, apparently. We can finally bring our battle to the land-dwelling allies of the selachian menace. Sharkics, AWPY?, Wilson's Wildlife Solutions, and those filthy, filthy Serpent's Fist will quake in their pathetic selachian-sympathizing boots. - J

Enemy: Goblin Shark
Results: Fucking exploded.
Notes: I feel some changes in SPC-001. It took several shots this time. - J

Enemy: Devil Ray
Results: Exploded.
Notes: Same old same old. - J

Enemy: Coral Reef Shark
Results: Beat.
Notes: Does anyone even read these? - J

Enemy: Killer Whale
Results: Punched.
Notes: I'm pretty sure this cannon-arm thing is fucking up somehow. I can't hit for shit anymore. - J

Enemy: Great White
Results: Escaped.
Notes: I think this is the first time I lose one in years, and I just can't even be fucked to care? - J

Enemy: Megalodon
Results: Mission refused.
Notes: Meh. -J.

Upon refusal of an engagement, SPC-001 underwent significant investigation by Center poindexters and was determined to not be suffering from structural defects. Everwood underwent a psychiatrical evaluation and was found to possess only 90% hatred of selachians, 30% lower than typical Center personnel. After being informed of Everwood's score, the Cowabunga Committee requested a personal assessment.

Augmentation Summary 0.03: The following is a transcription of the properly recorded3 meeting between Everwood and the Cowabunga Committee.

< BEGIN LOG >

C-12: Hello, Jay. You know why you're here, so let's get right to it.

[Everwood, C-12, and C-4 are silent for fifteen seconds. Everwood looks at C-12 expectantly.]

Everwood: Were you done talking?

C-12: Yes. I was expecting your acknowledgment.

Everwood: Okay, sorry, I was just wanting to make sure.

C-12: Yes, I-

Everwood: You just, you know, you could have made that a little more clear because the way you were talking-

C-12: Right, yeah, I-

Everwood: … kind of implied you were going to start the conversation.

C-12: It's fine.

C-4: S'all good, dudette.

C-12: As I was saying, we have noticed your Selachian Hatred Score has dipped significantly. Is there something that has perhaps has caused you a problem? Maybe problems with coworkers? Because we've received complaints about Summer-Man, and-

Everwood: Not really, no.

C-12: I see. Have you perhaps been associating with selachian sympathizers?

Everwood: What? God no. I would never trust a shark or those who cavort with them. I see a shark, I punch it. It's what I've always done, it's what I do, it's what I'll always do. It's why we have fists, you know? What good are fists if they're not being used to knock some overgrown fish senseless, right?

C-4: Hell yeah! Preach it, sis!

[C-4 reaches forward to high-five Everwood. She stands and returns the high-five. C-12 stares at the two before clearing his throat.]

C-12: Would you say anything has changed at all?

Everwood: Well… Like my test results indicated, I haven't been feeling as into punching sharks as I used to. I'm not sure why. If anything, I should hate them more considering one of those idiots tore my punching arm off.

C-4: Your android arm is sick though. I dig the cannon aesthetic.

Everwood: Thanks.

C-12: Hmm… Perhaps that augment, SPC oh-oh-one has affected your drive somehow.

C-4: Whoa.

C-12: What is it, four?

C-4: So like… Okay imagine that her arm is like, a metaphorical hate boner for sharks…

C-12: Can we not talk about dicks? This is being properly recorded.

C-4: And like… For some reason… It's gone floppy now.

[C-12 sighs is exasperation. Everwood winces.]

Everwood: You know… Earlier when you asked if something was wrong, I, uh, lied. I didn't really want to talk about it but it looks like I have to.

C-4: Ah, dang. I thought I was a little close.

C-12: At least we're not talking about dicks anymore. So, something did change?

Everwood: Yes.

C-12: Well, go on then.

Everwood: Everything I said earlier about my love for punching those damn things is still true, but… My heart's just not in it anymore, I think. Ever since this damn thing was slapped on my arm, I've been kicking a ton of shark ass but it's just not the same. It's almost… too easy. It doesn't feel right.

[C-12 and C-4 exchange looks. C-12 nods at C-4 and then turn back to Everwood.]

C-12: Okay. I am going to assign you to some basic selachian pugnātorial engagements. You are ordered to not use SPC-001 during these engagements.

Everwood: Err… Are you sure that's a good idea? My right hooks were awesome, but my lefts can't even crack concrete.

C-12: I believe that you grew accustomed to dispatching selachian targets with SPC-001, as opposed to the good old fashioned way. Maybe going back to your roots will help you figure things out.

C-4: Hell yeah. Give those sharks a clobbering, Jay!

Everwood: I… I guess I'll try.

<END LOG>

Following Everwood's meeting with the Cowabunga Committee, she was placed in a beginner squad. SPC-001 was disguised with a fist prosthetic covering its barrel.

Augmentation Summary 0.04: Following a series of uneventful selachian engagements in which Everwood underperformed in pugnātorial prowess, a training event was scheduled in order to train her in use of her left arm.

Due to the use of live-targets in this training event, Everwood was disarmed a second time via mandible strike to the left upper limb. Before a Marine Fighting Team could intervene, SPC-001 activated and fired a large, fist-shaped energy projectile at Everwood's opponent. The selachian threat subsequently fucking exploded.

Future personnel selected for the SPC-001 program are to have their arms fed to selachians prior to engagement. Research into the effects of subjects losing additional appendages to supply power to SPC-001 is currently underway.

Following this event, Justine Everwood resigned from the Center and was relieved of SPC-001. Below is a transcribed recording of Everwood's resignation assessment.

<BEGIN LOG>

Masters: This is Center Human Resources personnel Nigel Masters, with Justine Everwood. Case number d one two two one, regarding the resignation of said Justine Everwood.

Everwood: Just call me Jay. And please, I want to get this over with as soon as possible.

Masters: As you wish. I'm just going to ask you a few questions. Procedure and whatnot, I hope you understand.

Everwood: Sure.

Masters: Thank you, Jay. Now, why do you wish to leave the Center?

Everwood: I am bored.

Masters: Could you clarify?

Everwood: I'm not sure what more beyond 'I' and 'am' and 'bored' I have to say about this, but… okay.

[Both are silent for eight seconds before Everwood speaks again.]

Everwood: Imagine having all the power in the world. Any shark- no, anyone and anything, really, you look at pretty much explodes. None could stand before you. You are a god. And when you hold so much power, nothing is a challenge.

Masters: I see.

Everwood: Do you, really?

Masters: Well, I-

Everwood: I could blow up beasts bigger than this entire building without even batting an eye. We are meant to engage sharks in pugilism. After they put that damn machine on me, none of them could possibly pose a threat. So I got bored. I stopped caring. I stopped hating the sharks. I almost felt bad for them.

Masters: Thank you for elaborating.

Everwood: I'm not done. That machine, the one they put on my arm weaponizes hate, so without the will to fight, this was bound to happen.

[Everwood rolls her shoulder bringing attention to both her missing arms.]

Everwood: Really, I just went along with it for as long as I did because deep down inside I hoped that it would be fun again. But it wasn't, and now I can't wipe my own ass.

Masters: I am sorry.

Everwood: I don't care. Please give me your next question.

Masters: Are you aware that you cannot return to the Center after leaving?

Everwood: Does it look like I'd be any use punching sharks?

Masters: Noted.

Everwood: Anything else? Or can I go home now?

Masters: Err… No that would be it. I just need you to sign this document for me… Though I'm not sure how we will accomplish this given your, uh, situation.

Everwood: I got it.

[Everwood leans forward and grabs a pen off of Masters' desk using her mouth. Masters points to the requested signature, and Everwood proceeds to scribble nonsensically by flailing her neck. Once done, Everwood spits out the pen and stands.]

Masters: Just one more thing I need you to do for me. Please step forward to the amnesia-induction area.

[Everwood nods and approaches a set of doors to the right. Commander Alice opens the door, holding a baseball bat.]

Alice: Hey Jay. Sorry about what's going to happen.

Everwood: It's no big deal. You're just doing your job, and it's not like I'm going to remember it anyway.

Alice: No, but you certainly will feel it.

< END LOG >

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