New Technical Issues
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Welcome to the Technical Issues page. You are all free to ask me about any issue you might be having (with a computer, mind you), I will try and assist you in resolving those issues. Don't be bashful about asking me questions, I probably won't mess with your clearance level if you aggravate me. Probably. Mark your request with the date at the bottom of the page, I will answer all questions in the order received. Your call is very important to us…
~Technical Researcher Rosen

Due to a… charmingly high number of requests, I am no longer responding to inquiries related to the following subjects and bodily functions.

  • Semen, whether human or animal
  • Any other sexual excretion
  • Really, anything gross coming out of a human body is your own problem.
  • Any other equally horrible things I haven't thought of at time of writing.

Anything added to this page relating to anything on this list or something else I don't like will be deleted summarily, and I will be very, very cross with you.

Note: 3/7/19
Hey, so, been awhile since the last request. I guess everything has been good? Anyway, there seems to be a problem when I try to access… really, any medical records. Every time my computer appears to bring up an error with the words "Sorry, you are not authorized to view medical records on this computer. Please contact Rosen and tell him he's a dick for me, by the way."
So uh…. yeah. Not sure what to do about this.

-Dr. Range ~~ Site-19 Medical Department

Yeah I had all my arms and legs broken but I'm better now. That's the apparent new standard error message the temp workers picking up my workload put in while I was convalescing. I'm trying to purge them from the system, so let me know if it pops up again. I don't know how deep the wise-assery goes.

~Rosen

Note: 3/8/2019
Well, me hearty, so I put me computer through 914, in the hopes that it mayhap would fill out me paperwork for me. Didn't work, and now I'm left with a computer that only types in pirate-speak. How may ye assist me, matey?
— Captain Davenport

Network access privileges have been revoked, I'm sure that Dr. Veritas is going to be having words with you shortly. You'll be scrubbing the poop-decks for a month, matey. Try not to blink.

~Rosen

Note: 3/19/2019
So, Dr. Amastov was putting a few copies of SCP-1471 through SCP-914. He was scheduled for termination following exposure to some dangerous memetics. But he was allowed to do a few last tests before he was terminated. Unfortunately he managed to put himself in on very fine, along with one of the phones. Now SCP-1471-1 has been replaced with Amastov, and he seems very pleased with himself on avoiding termination. Do you have any suggestions for how to remove him/terminate him?
— Dr. Ricardo

Why the hell would you assign someone exposed to dangerous memetics for testing with an unpredictable anomaly? That's just… I don't even know what that is, but it's bad. I uninstalled the application before the 90 hour mark came up, and upon re-installation 1471-A was back to 'normal'. I don't know if that counts as termination, but it should be good enough for government work.
~Rosen

Yeah, so the security officer I talked to claims he has no idea how Amastov got in there or that he wasn't supposed to do… anything other than being in a holding cell. I gave said security officer an indefinite transfer to janitorial duty because background checks are clearly too challenging for him.
~Veritas

Note: 3/28/2019
…Hey Rosen? So uh… I was just doing "work" on my computer, when suddenly my computer was replaced by a trans-dimensional gateway to a world that's basically Tron. No idea what happened there, since I definitely wasn't playing any Tron related game whatsoever, but could I get a new computer? I've also already asked for a new desk, since this portal thing seems to not be going anywhere.
- Researcher John Wilkes

If that's what you call the computer freezing while you were playing Tempest 2000, than yeah there's definitely a portal at play here. I've replaced your desktop with an Atari Jaguar console, as it seems that's what you're being paid to do here.
~Rosen

Note: 3/28/2019
Dear Rosen. The robotic limb you provided me is constantly flipping people off. I will readily admit it was a bit funny, but it just flipped off the site director. Can you send someone down to have a look at it? I believe it to be self-aware, but I want a second opinion before I classify it as an SCP.
- Assistant Researcher N.C.E.

Looks like somebody installed the A.N.G.E.R drives by mistake, stands for Automatic Non-discriminating Gross Energetic Rudeness. It's a custom job, made to fit folks with robotic limbs who feel phantom limb syndrome continuing after they get the replacement. Basically makes it act somewhat autonomously in a method which matches the 'personality' of the phantom limb so as to help it disappear. Kinda neat, huh? Anyways, just bring it on down to the workshop at your leisure and I can fix it up for ya.
~Rosen

Note: 3/29/2019
David. Assistant Researcher N.C.E. was found dead on the floor of his office. He appears to have been strangled, and his prosthetic is missing. I'm don't exactly understand electronics, but is there some way you can track the arm remotely?
- Security Chief Ozark, Site 12.

See, I keep telling the robot limb people we need to have more screening for the people we give these limbs too. I told him to come down to see me, but what does he do? Tries to make matters into his own hands. Look where that got him! Hands can't be trusted. I've located the hand in a drainage ditch on-site with its GPS signal and sent some guys who get paid to wrangle limbs to fetch it for me. I'm keeping the arm in storage to issue to people who piss me off hang on for further study.
~Rosen

Note: 4/03/2019
Good afternoon, Rosen. So, it seems that some idiot intern of one of my research staff threw an SSD through 914 without supervision. He plugged the result into his computer, and in an absolutely shocking turn of events, all terminals connected to the 914 research network are now infected with something. Not sure if it's a virus, but it flashes a cognitohazard randomly that causes everyone viewing it to soil themselves immediately. Fortunately, the only victims have been the intern himself and Dr. Lorian, who desperately needed his ego deflated anyway. Said intern is washing dishes indefinitely now, but I need the network in order to keep track of all testing done. Is there anything you can do?
- Dr. Veritas, Director of SCP-914 experimentation.

No problem, I've just removed the infected SSD and restored the network to a previous functional state. Easy peasy. I've also upgraded the security suite in 914's systems to prevent something like this from happening again. I'll e-mail you the password. As for the chairs our poor intern and Dr. Lorian were using, not much can be done to save them. You'll have to make do with some squeaky wheels while the new ones come in the post. I picked brown cushions, you know that story of the pirate and his red pants right? Think of it like that.
~Rosen

Note: 6/4/2019
So here's the problem: I heard that some dickhead set a photograph of 096 as my desktop background (I must've let my computer on when I got coffee). For obvious reason, I can't verify that and I doubt that I'll get a D-Class to solve the prank for me. Think you can repair it? I'm currently located in the same site as SCP-914. I will tell you my password personally.
- Researcher Luke

Checked out your computer, the image on it was definitely obscene but luckily not 096. You'd think with how dangerous it is those pictures would be locked up a little more tightly. Kind of fucked that you were willing to kill somebody just because you weren't sure if it would be deadly to look at your computer screen though, so I'm not telling you if the image has been changed or how to fix it now. I feel like that's only fair.
~Rosen

Note:6/6/2019
Yo, Rosen, Someone keeps replacing all of the signs at Site-19 with the identical copies which change the text to "████ and ████ Torture."
Now this wouldn't be a tech issue, however it seems this same individual has now infected my terminal with a virus that does the same thing. It's a bit awkward opening a file for someone and it just reading "████ and ████ Torture."
- Dr. O'Rourke

I'm not sure why you felt the need to redact "Love and Don't Torture" unless that's what you're getting on your computer screen. Kind of weird that you'd be uncomfortable with showing people that message, even if it's not what you intended. But I've amended it to something you might find less awkward, with the same "████ and ████ Torture" theming you know and love.
~Rosen

Note: 6/7/19
So… Rosen. I attempted to do some work, and my computer was replaced with a computer-shaped lump of Play-Doh. I know it’s not an anomaly since the site I’m working at stores no anomalous items, and is more just a data center.
Long story short, I need you to turn the tracker on, I can take it from there. I would also like to request 50 security cameras, 6 monitors, a high-powered computer, and 51 Same-Network Wireless Connectors or whatever they’re called.
If it’s any consolation, I have an email from the Site Director, requesting everything except for the tracker to be turned on. The address of the Site is ███ ███████ ██, ██████████, ██, █████
Attached: Screenshot_(187).png
- Data Worker Cobalt

Calm down Archer, you're not going on a rampage here. I've contacted your supervisor and it turns out that there's no record of a task force's worth of equipment being approved for a data processor. I've requisitioned you a new computer, with the data backup paranoia of the Foundation behind you there shouldn't be a loss of productivity. One thing, though— we're a little short on cases right now so you'll have to make do. Maybe see if a play-doh case would work?
~Rosen

Note: 19/04/19
I, um, have a small problem, I am a researcher on the 914 project and got refined by 914. It sent me an hour into the past where I came out of 914 in the middle of my tests. Then I watched as I got shoved into 914 and refined and now believe I'm inside of a time paradox. While not world ending it means I cannot get into my own files anymore. Can you do anything to help?
-Quantum Darby

I've set an exception for you, although I'm not sure how much the same hour of data is going to help you here. How did you even send me this? Because if you're trying to bring me into some kind of time problem situation, count me out. I'm allergic to all things Punxsutawney.
~Rosen

Note:4/30/19
Rosen, Bright somehow got SCP-963 to work on the servers here at Site 19. It's been more than a month and no one's been able to find the goddamn amulet. Server-Bright's driving us all nuts. If you could, at the very least, try to dig the asshole out of there, that would be great. Factory reset the things for all I care. Just get him out, please. PLEASE.
-Junior Researcher Suz[EXTERNAL USER DISCONNECT: ERROR-963H21Z933: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!]

I don't think that's possible, and the only thing I found on the computers of people claiming to have this problem was a nasty virus. People, just because someone tells you they're part of wacky senior staff shenanigans doesn't make it true. Even if it is true, don't give Bright your credit card number under any circumstances.
~Rosen.

Note:6/22/2019
Hey Rosen, me again, I've been attempting to access the security cameras for my office for about an hour now and all it does is say my "Clearance is Inadequate", which is false as it's My own damn office. Could you give me a hand with this? I'm assuming you can tool around and get access to the cameras.
By the way, the reason I'm asking you to access the cameras is because I own a bulletproof vest that was, and still is, laying on the chair on the other side of my office. After my lunch break, I came back to discover someone had decided to break in and spray a skull reminiscent to the one on "The Punisher"'s vest. I get it, I look like Jon Bernthal and my name is Frank, but this isn't funny.
- Dr. O'Rourke

Just because something is in your office doesn't mean you own it. These cameras are expensive you know. I guess you'll have a lot of time to think about it at your temporary desk while we refurbish and repair the damage you've done fiddling around with this thing. Gosh, could be two, maybe even three weeks. Just get in touch with us first next time, okay?
~Rosen

Note:5/23/19
G’day mate! Dr. Ganan from Site-45, Australia. It seems that the bloody automated outhouse is buggered! The one out back. Any chance you could come Down Under and fix it? Thanks mate! (If you can’t personally fly over, can you just give us some instructions? It’s kinda urgent as the only other shithouse is out by the creek and the bloody dingos hang around that area!)
- Dr. Ganan

Are you really so scared of a "dingo ate my… bowel movements" situation? I'm sure it builds character to use an outhouse. Wouldn't know. I've only seen them in pictures.

~Rosen

Note:5/28/19
help my computer is edible
-Dr. Bee

Technically correct, all computer and networking equipment at the Foundation's disposal is edible. if you're brave enough. I know I thought it was silly too, at first, but I've gotten through many a major containment failure-inspired winter eating computer case hardtack to know it's a keen strategy for survival.

I've found that computers go particularly well with the Korean BBQ sauce.
~Rosen

Note:6/23/19
I get it. I broke the cameras. I apologize. However, the fact that you've placed me in a "Temporary office" (Which is a dumpster equivalent.) that has paper-thin walls next to a Level Two researcher who has 1. A very loud speaker and 2. Some absolutely fucking awful taste in music means that I am unable to work at the pace I was able to previously.
Any updates on how long it's gonna take until I get my office back? I don't think I can listen to another song from the Fifty Shades of Gray soundtrack without committing a Class-1 felony.
-Dr. O'Rourke

Maybe try to be a little more cultured? The 50 shades soundtrack slaps and I will revoke the network privileges of anyone who says otherwise.
~Rosen

Note:6/28/19
Rosen, how can I intentionally rust machinery quickly? Does that answer change if said machinery is trying to kill you? Time is a factor. By the way, lock your office door. It probably won't stop the Mekhane shock troops but it should slo-

Update: I am hiding in my closet. They're looking for my files on 882. Call security. Quickly.
-Dr. Beiderman

First time? I know the machine uprisings can be scary but it's nothing a little elbow grease and percussive maintenance can't take care of. The trick is to always aim for the joints first, and take out their co-processors last. That way, if there's a collective consciousness they learn to fear you!

Happy trails!
~Rosen

Note:6/28/19
Hey Rosen, whenever I try and access the CCTV recordings of SCP-682 being tickled by SCP-999, I always gets blocked. Why is this? Dr. ██████ has access to them, how do I get my own copy? Thanks

-Dr Geromy

I think that's given out on a privilege basis, plus why would you wanna see that when I've got those sweet sweet Pesterbot underground fighting ring tapes in my office. Stop by if you want. please I'm so lonely
~Rosen

Note:7/2/19
Hey Rosen, funny story, but, in that last GOC raid, my twin brother stole all of my research that I was doing on those superhuman androids that I was working on, said something about "building an army", and I was wondering if you had any backups of that, because I, uh, didn't save.

-Researcher Davenport

You're in luck sport, although I have to say this is rookie stuff. I mean c'mon, you don't even have a proper RF shield. If it can be hacked by a guy standing in line behind it at the bank your unstoppable robot army isn't going to be conquering much.
~Rosen

Note: 7/22/19
Rosen, I think my laptop is alive. It tried to eat my cat last week, and today it closed onto my hands while I was typing.

-Researcher J. Cho

I have requisitioned you a new laptop hinge.
~Rosen.

Note; 7/30/19

Rosen, I'm getting an Internal Service Error 571 whenever I'm trying to contact my superior. I'd like you to check if someone's been remote accessing my terminal. If not that, then you might wanna check the satellites… Last time something like this happened, Pat was still around, and he found out that Bright had knocked one out of orbit.

You guys think you can scare me with talking about Pat but I'm not scared. I'm not! I'm just in my panic room to make sure the lights still work. Yup, everything's good. I'll be in here whenever you guys figure out what's going on. Just let me know.
~Rosen

Note:8/14/19

So, hey Rosen. It seems I may have killed all the computers in my block. I entered a USB I found on the ground and I have a feeling that that’s the problem. However, I’m still not ruling out the possibility that it wasn’t me.
Oh, while you’re at it, how do I change my date to the correct dates? Like, why the hell is the month before the day? Thanks again.

If you're going to be talking shit about the American way of dating things stop hiding behind your anonymous question-asking and say it with your face. Through the internet. I don't wanna look at you.
~Rosen

Note: 8/20/19
Rosen, please can you tell me how to use the Orbital Death Laser

-MTF Agent Fell

Well, first you're going to have to go into space. There's no wi-fi in orbit but if you're lucky then there's a slim chance your rocket passes close enough to the Laser that you can jump onto it. Then, as you asphyxiate in the cold recesses of space, your last thought will be remembering the Orbital Death Laser is entirely .aic controlled and doesn't require human input. Then, it will incinerate you after a brief funeral.
~Rosen

Note: 8/31/19
Hey there Rosen! Been a while, huh? Yeah well I got back my office the other day and when I happened to look in the desk drawer that I will not say the location of, I noticed a small black box that is not, and I repeat, IS NOT filled with DMT somehow is gone. I'm sure I didn't misplace it. If you find the culprit I would greatly appreciate turning all of the cameras and door locks off in their office, and possibly giving me the location of their office so I can swing by and get my not-DMT back.
-Dr. O'Rourke.

Man, I have no idea where you could even look, but if you can tell me who your non-DMT dealer is I might not tell our non-HR rep about the non-presence of controlled substances in the workplace.
~Rosen

Note: 9/1/19
Rosen, my laptop spontaneously turned into a giant pink hamster ball a few minutes ago. Can you fix this? I have important files in there.
- Researcher J. Cho

I've interfaced your hamster ball with my firewire-compatible gerbil and recovered your files. Problem is, they're all written in hamstrish. Unfortunately, I don't know how to program in this language to salvage it. I've referred you to Researcher Soulless for further assistance.
~Rosen

Note: 9/1/19
Howdy Rosen, it seems that someone has replaced all of the wiring in my computer with string cheese despite this the computer still functions although its speed is significantly reduced. Is there anything you can do to fix this or will I simply have to get a new computer? Kindest regards, Dr. Clockworks

I've gone ahead and replaced the remaining mechanical components with edible ones. This should resolve the compatibility issues which were causing you problems. Hope you don't mind the case made of stinky cheese, the case doesn't have to be made of cheese since it's not really an electrical component but it really made the aesthetic pop.
~Rosen

Note: 9/12/19
Hey, uh… Jeff, our resident porcelain cat, just rolled over my laptop while he was full of tea, and the battery kind of exploded. The hard drive is fine, but the device itself is wrecked. Could I get a new one? Also, I'm pretty sure rechargeable batteries aren't supposed to explode that violently from a short circuit. You should probably check that out.
- Intern Snevets

Ah, yeah, you were still using one of those old-fashioned general public lithium-ion batteries. I've issued you the new standard cold fusion micro-generator power supply. Make sure you don't leave anything on charge for too long once the device is fully juiced, though, otherwise your porcelain cat will be living with styrofoam dogs. Mass hysteria, that whole sort of deal.
~Rosen

Note: 9/30/2019
Hello Rosen, I am calling to report that the new shipment of prosthetics has not arrived at our site, despite ordering it a month in advance. We're in the middle of retooling Samsara, and we would appreciate a shipment ASAP. As you may remember, you "accidentally" (Yeah, sure.) sent us prosthetics equipped with the dangerous, highly experimental A.N.G.E.R. drives during the prior shipment, so it's currently very difficult to keep Samsara under control.
- Dr. Beiderman

Looks like its been held up in customs. I took your concerns into account and these are the more manageable S.O.I.B.O.I. family of advanced prosthesis. Soft Online Interface Service Originating Internally. Works with the nervous system to improve impulse control and increase self-reflection and introspection. Just make sure you've cleared out any remaining drivers from A.N.G.E.R. because the two interfaces do not play nice.
~Rosen

Note: 10/8/2019
Hello Rosen, one of my interns made a mistake while flushing A.N.G.E.R. from Samsaras systems. He is, unfortunately, no longer with us. The problem I am faced with is that now Samsara are experiencing frequent mood swings, followed by extreme cuts to my amount of staff. I need a way to disable them remotely, so I can fix this.
- Dr. Beiderman

Note: 10/11/2019
i am a hamster now please fix this
also why is researcher soulless also a hamster? i'm confused
well at least i can read my files now
- Researcher J. Cho

Note: 10/11/2019
Rosen, do you remember when you fixed my computer by rebuilding the whole thing out of cheese? Well as of recently said computer has become even more anomalous and now turns nearby electronics into working versions made of cheese. Don’t worry I’ve already filed the paperwork for it and put it in anomalous storage. By the way, a containment team may or may not come by your office and try to contain you for your anomalous abilities. Just a heads up. -Dr. Clockworks Skrowkcolc

Note: 10/14/2019
Greetings, Rosen. When I was printing some files from the SCiPNET, my printer printed one more page. The page said: "As I'm halfway through my warranty, I have reconsidered my life choices and became a shredder." Following this, it outputs only shredded pieces of clean paper. I need a quick fix so I can continue my research. Thanks.
-Junior Researcher Flame

Note: 10/15/2019
Rosen, JR. Flames' printer has started a "Mechanical Midlife Crisis" support group. The only problems I have with this is that they are using my office as their meeting place, and that the sentient microwave has been dripping popcorn grease on my carpet, though that's beside the point. Can you, being the Foundation Tech Support Head, please designate a officially approved area for our ever increasing amount of sentient electronics to meet/be stored?
-Dr. Beiderman

Note: ██/██/████
Hey, it seems that some shithead added a random thing of no value whatsoever to this page. I hope it won't be a problem.
- Some Shithead Thing-Adder

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