New Technical Issues
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Welcome to the Technical Issues page. You are all free to ask me about any issue you might be having (with a computer, mind you), I will try and assist you in resolving those issues. Don't be bashful about asking me questions, I probably won't mess with your clearance level if you aggravate me. Probably. Mark your request with the date at the bottom of the page, I will answer all questions in the order received. Your call is very important to us…
~Technical Researcher Rosen

Due to a… charmingly high number of requests, I am no longer responding to inquiries related to the following subjects and bodily functions.

  • Semen, whether human or animal
  • Any other sexual excretion
  • Really, anything gross coming out of a human body is your own problem.
  • Any other equally horrible things I haven't thought of at time of writing.

Anything added to this page relating to anything on this list or something else I don't like will be deleted summarily, and I will be very, very cross with you.

Old Entries: New Technical Issues Archive

Hi Rsen.
Firt of ll, happy New Yar.
S uhh, I ws n my offic the ther dy and sme otput frm 914 scremed in the resrch cll so lud tht it spokd me. Thing s, I ws watchng cat vidos whil drinkng a cp of coffe, and t splled ll ovr th kybord. Nw the vowls dn't work hlf of the tme, can get a new keybard?

- Intrn Sra

You know, I would mock you for blatant incompetence, but I'm just happy to be doing a keyboard spill that's just coffee.

Note: 08/03/2020
Hey, Rosen. Newly-assigned-to-914 J.R. Cens here.
So, funny story. I put a flash drive with Windows 10 through 914 as one of my first tests, and the output was a Terminator figurine that installs Skynet onto a computer via USB upload. It replaced the OS of the computer, connected to the Facility 23 network, and made all network-enabled prosthetics start slapping their users repeatedly. You have an hour or two to help me?

- J.R. Cens

That is way past my pay grade bud, what do I look like, John Connor? I haven't broken into any veterinary offices to steal the pills since like… two weeks ago. Figure it out.

Note: 04/04/20
Hi Mr. Rosen,
Quick question: How do you Linux?

- Intern François Beauvillier

You Linux in Compute, get Ubuntu in pixel. Mouse it good. You in like penguin.


Note: 12/04/2020
Is it possible to contract the coronavirus from viewing a photograph of the sun's corona on a certain anomalous computer?
- Technician Xiu, Site-277

Actually, in your case, you need to social distance from everybody and everything except the sun. I will give priority scheduling for you to access the necessary medical equipment for this requirement.

Note: 16/04/2020
Cack! Calculactor am intergratulate with spanglefinger! Am contobulating the speekbax to spankolinguist! Pongle! Much assist?
- Informationater Paul

Word-changer skips
Like a litter of kittens
All looking the same

Exposing yourself
To the rays of their sunlight
Cancels out the change

In my experience
Others may have experienced
Differing results


Note: 21/04/2020
Hi, What do you suggest in case of a rogue A.I. uprising? I tried to print a text file I had on a flash drive that went through 914, but the printer suddenly grew arms and legs, introduced himself as "pAInapple" and wants to conquer the town of Fleurus, in Belgium. I'm not sure what to do but now it won't print my files unless I provide it with a sufficient amount of weapons to escape the site and conquer Fleurus. Help? Please?
- Intern Francois Beauvillier

I mean, why not just let him have it? Often times, rogue A.I. will behave after they conquer some humans and then have to be responsible for human problems. Give 'em some foam dart guns and let it go nuts. Fleurus hasn't seen any action since Napoleon, I'm sure they could use the excitement.

Note: 22/04/2020
Hello Rosen. It appears that my laptop has suffered major physical damage from a pair of metal handcuffs that have been fired via cannon through its monitor screen at Mach 5. May I request a replacement that is less vulnerable to these kinds of attacks? Thank you in advance.
- Junior Researcher Yuyuni Belopaku

Sure thing. You've got a new hazardous environment Foundation-made luggable system. It weighs 50 pounds and it will take .44 rounds for you if you asked it to. I've also credited you for that gym membership you signed up for, you're probably not going to be needing it anymore.

Note: 29/04/2020
Hello again, Rosen. I have received an email from an unknown address, stating that they are the O5 Council and that my laptop used to be a massive hamster ball. I am aware that this information is likely false, but can you verify this just to be sure?
- Junior Researcher Yuyuni Belopaku

You got a problem with recycling?

Note: 16/05/2020
Rosen, why is there internet connection on the sun?
- Technician Xiu, Site-277 the Sun

Astronauts need Wi-Fi too, ya know.

Note: 16/05/2020
Rosen, this may be a bit of a peculiar request, but would you happen to know anything about "Seussian" devices? I have been speaking with the pataphysical department, and they want to know if you know anything about a "Super-Zooper-Flooper-Do", or are able to write someone who does.
- Junior Researcher Madden, Site 19

You don't know what to do with a "Super-Zooper-Flooper-Do?" Well, ask someone else, because I don't want to.

Thanks to a modest budget increase I’ve added several interns to help me with the work here. I haven’t learned their names yet but they’re all interns so… yeah. Let me know if they screw up.

Quite assuring welcome, sir. And why does all senior staff treat me as an intern? Anyways, I should introduce: I am a Technician from the 914 crew.

An Intern*

Hey. I can't believe I'll work for the great Rosen now. I will gladly assist you in any issues I can. May I get you a coffee?
~Intern Beauvillier

Black coffee please.

Note: June, the sixth month of the year, on the date twenty-and-one, or twenty-first, in the year 2020, the twentieth year into the third millennium
Greetings, Mister Rosen. Salutations, hello and hi. Kindest regards.

There appears to be an anomalous virus affecting my proofreading programs. Yes, my proofreading programs are indeed infected with a virus most foul. A foul virus, in my programs. It seems to operate by taking brief text strings and increasing their verbosity, as well as repeating information. It does this by expanding them without adding any new, relevant information, repeating the same details with an obnoxious aversion to brevity.

I require your assistance in quarantining and eliminating the little fucker. I've already isolated the system, which can no longer connect to any network, being cut off from other devices, but I have doubts about the effectiveness of this technique as it has already spread to my cellular mobile device. As it is in my phone, which was never connected to the PC, I do not believe a solid data connection is required for it to spread.

At the very least, it's as much your problem as it is mine now. Yes, we are in the same boat, share a similar obstacle. If you have no solution for my problem, you'll just have to suffer with me.

Best regards, well-wishes and utmost sincerity,
-Doctor Lucas Hadian, PhD, esq.

Opposed virus infect own computer.
Sentences shorter.
Busy finding solution.
Good luck.

Note: 25/06/2020
Rosen, it's Shel. You promised me that tech was going to deprecate the sanguinary apostille appliances in the legal department. This in itself is fine and welcome - signing contracts in blood has always been inconvenient, and I'm tired of explaining to the cleaner why I have so many stains on my shirt. But whatever you guys have in mind as a replacement solution, can you demo it with my team before you roll it out? We don't want another Mephistopheles situation.
- Sheldon Katz, Esq.
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Yeah, about that, we sent a memo to someone in your team, and apparently it didn't went well.
See, I think the receiver didn't like the idea of using mouse brain to sign the documents.
May I suggest human fat?
I'm pretty sure it should work.

Note: 02/08/2020
my computer is bleeding
but the monitor is filling up with blood
how come the computer is losing blood but the monitor is filling up with blood
this appears to be a problem
hope you can fix it
- Researcher Kevin Han, Site-22

This is the Technic department, not the exorcism one. Did you practice any unprotected pacts with a demon of the ██rd circle?
~ Beauvillier

Note: 04/08/2020
Hello, my Foundation assigned laptop appears to have a problem with its sound system. You see, the speakers play the melody of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" whenever I lick the sticker with the serial number on it, even when the laptop itself is turned off. Is this normal behavior or is my laptop affected by an anomaly of some kind? Thanks in advance.
- Junior Researcher Pallas

I fixed the problem, but now if you rub the back of the computer, it will start purring on the rhythm of "Immigrant's song" by Led Zeppelin.
Hope you like metal.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 27/08/2020
Hey, Beauvillier, Cens here. How's the reassignment been? Want me to put anything through 914 for you? I've sort of been drawing blanks on tests and I'd be happy to run something through as long as I can say that it was your idea if it goes wrong.
-Junior Researcher Cens

Can you try to sneak in a baguette for me? I tried to ask Dr. Veritas last time and an MTF is still after me. Please, don't tell anyone about i- THEY FOUND M-
~ Beauvillier

Note: 10/09/2020
J.R. Cens here. My Foundation-issue computer keeps playing “The Only Thing They Fear is You“ from off the DOOM Eternal soundtrack every time I try writing a 914 experiment log. This normally wouldn't be a problem as this song is fire, but it's 1) the Bethesda mix, which is garbage compared to Mick Gordon's original version, 2) it's anomalously playing at 50% higher the computer's max volume, and 3) I'm seeing all of the other Facility 23 personnel as DOOM-style demons while I hear it. I've already backed up my files onto a USB drive, so if you wouldn't mind sending me a replacement machine, that would be very greatly appreciated. Thanks
-Junior Researcher Cens

Note: 1/30/2021
You remember Dross? Yeah, apparently he's having issues with that suit of his, and for some reason he asked me to help. What the hell am I supposed to do? I can't fix it! Maybe you can? Slim chance, but might as well ask.

Note: 04/03/2021
Hello. I am having a problem with my pc. I was away from my office for a week on medical leave and when I got back, I found that someone had stolen my 27" OLED Monitor and left me with a crappy monitor(I think it may be from 079). I have already filled out a requsition form for a new monitor. But, not only that but it appears they had the time to swap out my ram. However, the problem is that my pc no longer is posting. Could you have a look at that please. I'll drop it by later. Also, I wanted to ask, do we have any NVIDIA RTX 3090's available? If not, what about a 2070? Thanks
-Agent Y. Lukenstrout

Note: 04/05/2021

Hello Rosen,

Due to a mishap involving several random office supplies and a couple of insectoid SCPs I was completing testing on, my computer tower is now full of bees. Please send help.

-Dr. Ginger

Note: ██/██/████
Hey, it seems that some D-Class added random things of no value or relevance whatsoever to this log. I hope it won't be a problem?
- Lonely Hearts Thing-Adder in Site-17

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