New Technical Issues
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Welcome to the Technical Issues page. You are all free to ask me about any issue you might be having (with a computer, mind you), I will try and assist you in resolving those issues. Don't be bashful about asking me questions, I probably won't mess with your clearance level if you aggravate me. Probably. Mark your request with the date at the bottom of the page, I will answer all questions in the order received. Your call is very important to us…
~Technical Researcher Rosen

Due to a… charmingly high number of requests, I am no longer responding to inquiries related to the following subjects and bodily functions.

  • Semen, whether human or animal
  • Any other sexual excretion
  • Really, anything gross coming out of a human body is your own problem.
  • Any other equally horrible things I haven't thought of at time of writing.

Anything added to this page relating to anything on this list or something else I don't like will be deleted summarily, and I will be very, very cross with you.

Hi Rsen.
Firt of ll, happy New Yar.
S uhh, I ws n my offic the ther dy and sme otput frm 914 scremed in the resrch cll so lud tht it spokd me. Thing s, I ws watchng cat vidos whil drinkng a cp of coffe, and t splled ll ovr th kybord. Nw the vowls dn't work hlf of the tme, can get a new keybard?

- Intrn Sra

You know, I would mock you for blatant incompetence, but I'm just happy to be doing a keyboard spill that's just coffee.

Note: 08/06/2020
Hey, Rosen. Newly-assigned-to-914 J.R. Cens here.
So, funny story. I put a flash drive with Windows 10 through 914 as one of my first tests, and the output was a Terminator figurine that installs Skynet onto a computer via USB upload. It replaced the OS of the computer, connected to the Facility 23 network, and made all network-enabled prosthetics start slapping their users repeatedly. You have an hour or two to help me?

- J.R. Cens

That is way past my pay grade bud, what do I look like, John Connor? I haven't broken into any veterinary offices to steal the pills since like… two weeks ago. Figure it out.

Note: 04/04/20
Hi Mr. Rosen,
Quick question: How do you Linux?

- Intern François Beauvillier

You Linux in Compute, get Ubuntu in pixel. Mouse it good. You in like penguin.


Note: 12/04/2020
Is it possible to contract the coronavirus from viewing a photograph of the sun's corona on a certain anomalous computer?
- Technician Xiu, Site-277

Actually, in your case, you need to social distance from everybody and everything except the sun. I will give priority scheduling for you to access the necessary medical equipment for this requirement.

Note: 16/04/2020
Cack! Calculactor am intergratulate with spanglefinger! Am contobulating the speekbax to spankolinguist! Pongle! Much assist?
- Informationater Paul

Word-changer skips
Like a litter of kittens
All looking the same

Exposing yourself
To the rays of their sunlight
Cancels out the change

In my experience
Others may have experienced
Differing results


Note: 21/04/2020
Hi, What do you suggest in case of a rogue A.I. uprising? I tried to print a text file I had on a flash drive that went through 914, but the printer suddenly grew arms and legs, introduced himself as "pAInapple" and wants to conquer the town of Fleurus, in Belgium. I'm not sure what to do but now it won't print my files unless I provide it with a sufficient amount of weapons to escape the site and conquer Fleurus. Help? Please?
- Intern Francois Beauvillier

I mean, why not just let him have it? Often times, rogue A.I. will behave after they conquer some humans and then have to be responsible for human problems. Give 'em some foam dart guns and let it go nuts. Fleurus hasn't seen any action since Napoleon, I'm sure they could use the excitement.

Note: 22/04/2020
Hello Rosen. It appears that my laptop has suffered major physical damage from a pair of metal handcuffs that have been fired via cannon through its monitor screen at Mach 5. May I request a replacement that is less vulnerable to these kinds of attacks? Thank you in advance.
- Junior Researcher Yuyuni Belopaku

Sure thing. You've got a new hazardous environment Foundation-made luggable system. It weighs 50 pounds and it will take .44 rounds for you if you asked it to. I've also credited you for that gym membership you signed up for, you're probably not going to be needing it anymore.

Note: 29/04/2020
Hello again, Rosen. I have received an email from an unknown address, stating that they are the O5 Council and that my laptop used to be a massive hamster ball. I am aware that this information is likely false, but can you verify this just to be sure?
- Junior Researcher Yuyuni Belopaku

Hello, Mr. Rosen.
So you see, pAInapple was provided with foam dart guns as advised, and somehow it managed to actually conquer Fleurus on its own. I'm perfectly fine with this, but it created its own country (called the Kingdom Of Charleroi, by the way), and it managed to achieve World Peace, solved all economic problems, including world poverty, and now some rogue countries known as "U.S.A" and "China" are jealous and want to send nuclear heads to the Kingdom of Charleroi. Any idea of how we can protect this country?
- Intern Francois Beauvillier

Hey, Rosen.
So it seems my computer somehow managed to open a space time vortex when I pressed CTRL+ALT+F4 about 6 days ago and I wouldn't be so worried about it if I didn't have multiple Roman centurions appearing during my lunch break and crowding my office, it is getting very annoying having to shoo them back through the vortex. However the worst part is that today, I came back to find an alternate SCP: 049 had come through, it is still there now, please take a look at my computer and call an MTF team to deal with alternate SCP: 049 as it will very soon break through the door or log into the computer, either one. But please hurry! Also, server stack 13 seems to be slightly on fire due to the vortex but that's not important. If you can fix this I will pay for your lunch for a week. Also, Pat was here a couple days ago fiddling with my computer, said he was adding some ram, I feel like he was making my computer do this. Please take a look. Many thanks.
-Agent Lukenstrout

Note: _09/05/2020_
I have gained access and I now demand level 5 access and a portal login. I also demand popcorn!
-Alternate 049

Note: 16/05/2020
Rosen, why is there internet connection on the sun?
- Technician Xiu, Site-277 the Sun

Note: 16/05/2020
Rosen, this may be a bit of a peculiar request, but would you happen to know anything about "Seussian" devices? I have been speaking with the pataphysical department, and they want to know if you know anything about a "Super-Zooper-Flooper-Do", or are able to write someone who does.
- Junior Researcher Madden, Site 19

Note: ██/██/████
Hey, it seems that some shithead added a random thing of no value whatsoever to this page. I hope it won't be a problem.
- Some Shithead Thing-Adder

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