Welcome to the Technical Issues page. You are all free to ask me about any issue you might be having (with a computer, mind you), I will try and assist you in resolving those issues. Don't be bashful about asking me questions, I probably won't mess with your clearance level if you aggravate me. Probably. Mark your request with the date at the bottom of the page, I will answer all questions in the order received. Your call is very important to us…
~Technical Researcher Rosen
Due to a… charmingly high number of requests, I am no longer responding to inquiries related to the following subjects and bodily functions.
- Semen, whether human or animal
- Any other sexual excretion
- Really, anything gross coming out of a human body is your own problem.
- Any other equally horrible things I haven't thought of at time of writing.
Anything added to this page relating to anything on this list will be deleted summarily, and we will be very, very cross with you.
Hey Rose, I just installed enabled wireless access on one of my younger robots and you know how it is, it seems like a good idea to connect to random access points because viruses only hit bad robots. Long story short, despite programming it to always monitor downloads and make safe connections, I think my robot may have contracted E-AIDS. Anything you can do to help? - Junior Research Assistant Dr. Gravity
Here's my advice: Tell your robot to get itself defragmented and to inform all the data ports it may have interfaced with over the last month to get themselves scanned. It's the responsible thing to do.
Do EMPs work on those damn kids skateboarding on my street? If so, can we use one? -Research Assistant Reject
Sorry dude. EMPs only nail electronic stuff. Unless those teens are androids, that wouldn't work. However, I can refer you to munitions, and I'm sure they would love to hook you up. Happy hunting!
Do EMPs work on jail guards? -Research Assistant Reject
The security camera in my holding cell is emitting a high pitched buzz and the intercom is yelling at me in what sounds like the language associated with GoI Alpha-388. Are they supposed to be doing that?
I think the more important question we ought to ask is this: how does a prisoner have network access from his cell?
Rosen, do me a favor and re-enable my status. Pat was a jackass lunatic, but he was thorough. I've been dodging misdirected "demotion to D-class" orders since Pat threw his hissy fit. Also, I may or may not have sent this through someone else's workstation, as mine has attempted to kill me on three different occasions despite not having any self-propelling mechanism. ~ Dr. Martin Engineer Kap
Yeah… about that. Y'see, Pat was pretty anal about his security protocols. So much so, that he didn't disengage them before he mysteriously disappeared. I've been going through his notes to try and find what he actually did, but most of it is just him ranting about somebody names "Dumont the Destroyer" and long winded eulogies about pudding. The best I can do is transfer you to work that exempts you from the monthly execution until I can get this figured out. How does "Procedure 110-Montauk" sound?
Hey Rosen, my computer was being a little slow a minute ago, so I tried to increase the voltage that the computer received to around 10 kW more. I thought it made sense because more power makes more energy, right? Well, it didn't work. I tried looking online for a fix, and they suggested I delete something called win32. After doing that, I kept getting errors or something like that. A colleague of mine told me he could format the BIOS for me, and I graciously accepted; yet that still did not work. I have tried many fixes, and right now my computer is kind of on fire. I'm not worried about that, though. How can I make my computer work again, maybe to where I can make it faster? ~ Dr. Taylor
Try to download some more RAM. If that doesn't work, reformat your ZIP drive. If all else fails, reboot it twice and call me in the morning.
Rosen, for some reason, my inbox keeps getting spam sent to it. The strangest thing about it is that they all say something along the lines of, "To the Past Me: X", with the the X being something mundane that apparently has 'harsh consequences on the future'. I've done all the things that it says will cause 'the disruption of the timeline', and so far nothing of ill consequence has happened. Should I chalk this up as a prank, or should I be worried? ~Dr. Nyehcat
Unless your computer has an external TARDIS drive or a flux capacitor wireless adaptor, I wouldn't lose much sleep over it.
Rosen, I got Dr. Nyehcat a TARDIS for his birthday but now I want it back. What do? -Agent Convit
…I would like to recommend that you upgrade your firewall, as it is someone dangerous could get network access.
"…SPACE I would like to recommend that you upgrade your firewall SEMICOLON As it is COMMA someone dangerous could get ACCESS TO the network."
You can't really expect me to take you seriously if you aren't using proper grammar, sport.
I think there's some kind of malfunction in the Site 38 vending machines. The guy swears he's putting Cheez-Puffs in, but they disappear almost as soon as the guy leaves. I'm afraid there might be a heretofore undocumented SCP inhabiting Site 38, possibly a dark eldritch terror whose lust for death and pain can be slated only with Cheez-Puffs. And also death and pain. But just in case it's that kid we keep locked in the basement, how do I request land mines for the detention level? I think it'll slow him down. ~Mr. Eskobar
Now the trick here is how strong you want your mine to be. You don't want to blow up the snacks along with the thief, but you also want to make sure he's crippled. I'll send the catalog your way.
Hey Rosen, should I take the red pill or the blue pill? ~Dr. Epsilon
If strange men in trenchcoats are offering you pills, you have bigger issues to worry about then what your friendly neighborhood tech support thinks.
MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS STUCK WHAT DO I DO? ~Dr. Edison
TRY HOLDING DOWN THE SHIFT KEY WHILE TYPING UNTIL I CAN REQUISITION YOU A NEW KEYBOARD. PERHAPS SEE IF ONE OF YOUR COWORKERS WILL LOAN YOU ONE. IF YOU CAN, TRY TO UNSTICK THE BUTTON. LET ME KNOW IF YOU DO SO I DON'T HAVE TO ORDER A NEW KEYBOARD BECAUSE FILLING OUT THOSE DAMN HUNDRED PAGE REQUISITION FORMS IS A HASSLE.
Saluto te, Rosen.
In nomine Patris et Eber et Spiritus sancti, quaeso. Ego sum habens difficultatem usura artificio anima inspectionem quod dicitur ad Site XIX. Ut scitis, nostri doctrinis enim continentiam de quaedam requiram illa actiones a humana singulorum qui demonstrare appropraite gradu pietatis. Dum normalis usu fuerat confirmare et temptare fidem pertinet singulorum per inquisitionem, nostri reductiones in numerum elit non requiritur uti processus mechanica et electrica ad automate inquisitio. Nostri artificio inquisitionem non ipsos proprie. Consilium ergo asserit apostolus et ego nego tamen verbi Filioque vel haereticus. Hoc est non ita. Arte possunt reparari per inpositionem manus aut exorcismi opus?
Vestrum in Christi, Pater Gomez, SJ. Capellanus, Institutum XIX
If you're looking for an exorcist you've really come to the wrong place. If you don't mind doing things God might find displeasurable, like allowing undead tin zombies to possess your stuff, I'm sure the Church of the Broken God would be all over that like cultist flies on a holy shit.
Hello, Mr. Rosen: I have many names. My operator has named me Belu the Unwavering, even when I insisted on being named my natural name. I am sending this message to you for help. Get me away from this maniac, Dr. Taylor. He tries to insert baloney into my CD drive, even when I plead him not to. This ridiculous name that he has assigned me has been burned into my artificial memory. His browser history is enough to drive one into madness. He drops food all over the monitor and keyboard. As Technical Researcher, I hope you will take pity on a sentient computer and re-assign me to another, more competent user.
-Belu the Unwavering
Uuuugh… I have requisitioned Dr. Taylor ANOTHER computer. His old computer has been put into storage and cataloged as an anomalous object until such a time comes when I have a use for a snobby computerbox.
MAYBE TAYLOR IS THE COMPUTER AND BELU IS THE HUMAN!! HUH?! EVER THINK ABOUT THAT, ROSEN?! -AGENT CONVIT
It seems our correspondence route with our own technical support has fallen victim to a temporal anomaly. We of the American Security Containment Initiative can do very little to remedy this and would much appreciate assistance from your end.
Regards, B. Franklin, ASCI Researcher
Nice try, But It's common knowledge that Benjamin Franklin was mourning the death his wife Deborah in 1774, and would not have had the time to look into computerbox tech-y matters. Obviously.
MAYBE HE'S A CLONE. -AGENT CONVIT
I loaned my laptop to Dr. Bright. Upon getting it back, I found:
-Sleazy pictures of [REDACTED]
-Videos of [REDACTED]
-A picture of SCP-050 on the desktop
-and 9 conversations with Nigerian princes.
What'd the monkey do this time? And what can I do in the future to prevent it from happening again? Or, how can I fix it now? -Anonymous
Holy shit dude. That laptop was… something. First off, that thing reeked. I don't know what he did to it, but it smelled of [REDACTED]. The keys were sticky and coated in some sort of epoxy. The CD tray had some sort of black liquid oozing from it. I sent a sample to the lab, but the test results were inconclusive. And those pictures… I don't know what I saw, but I know that I never want to see it again.
I have since incinerated your old laptop and sent for a new one. I hoped you learned your lesson about the consequences of sharing. Now excuse me, I'm going to go see Dr. Glass about getting an increase in my medication dosage.
hey wtf man whyd you redact it i wanna know what it was -agent convit
MEMO: TO ALL PERSONNEL WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
Earlier today, I was upgrading Server 13 and I found some .txt files which had text referring to some sort of "Robot Uprising". Is this left over from an April Fool's prank, or should I be concerned?
~Technical Researcher David Rosen
Be afraid. Be very afraid. -Security Bot A-23
You think you guys are hot shit? Please. I can handle a robot uprising in my sleep. I'll dismantle you all, and feed all the scrap to 882! Come at me bro!
My Deborah? Dead? This year? Bloody Hell, man! When?
B. Franklin, ASCI Researcher
Uh… whoops. Pretend I never said anything. Your wife is totally fine. Not dying at all. I don't know why I'm even talking about this. YOU NEVER SAW ME.
Roseman, my pornography collection got erased from my Gateway. Can you retrieve it? -Agent Convit
Look over here, we got ourselves a wise guy. Well, Mr. Convit, I regret to inform you that your computers files were all irretrievable, so I had your computer disposed of. Not to worry, because this time tomorrow a brand-new e-machine will arrive at your desk, just for you. You're welcome.
Rosen, another problem that may or may not be related to Senior Staff Shenaningans. Someone did an in-place reinstall of every one of my computers (including my personal laptop, somehow), made Internet Explorer 7 the default and only browser, and revoked my software-installation permissions on all of them. As my work requires extra precautions against drive-by downloads and other viruses, I need Firefox reinstalled (or at least unlock my account so I can do it myself), because AdBlock Plus is the only workable solution I've found to prevent them from even reaching the system, since the antivirus won't catch it in time to prevent [DATA EXPUNGED] (How the heck did they get access to my laptop? It's at home, for crying out loud!). - Dr. Okagawa
It seems your problem is that your computer is too desirable, and people keep messing with it as a result. As such, I have replaced your computers with a complete suite of WebTV applications. Then I went ahead and replaced the laptop with a Commodore PET. Then I forgot what I came in your office to do, so I ate your lunch and called it a day. I hope it solves your tampering issues.
The janitor's Roomba won our damn NCAA bracket. Can you deactivate it so that I can claim my rightful prize? -Agent Convit
Dude, the Roomba has won the tournament for the last 4 years. Don't see why you're so upset. And even if I wanted to deactivate it, then Robo-CDC says that would make my office a hazardous working environment. Just let it go.
My computer keeps telling me that it wants a cheeseburger and I don't know what to do. There was this cat, and some other thing, and now I'm just so confused. Why does it "want cheezbrger"? It's an appliance. It has no gastrointestinal tract. It cannot "haz et". Please fix this infernal contraption before I have to take drastic action. -Doctor Wog
Doktor, i can haz an interwebz?
That damn D-Class dropped me into an email on 713 and sent it to my own laptop. GET ME OUT OF HERE!
-A pissed off researcher.
I guess I'll just go through every laptop on-site looking for you, since it must be urgent if you don't tell me who or where you are! I'll be right on it.
Hey Rosy, my computer terminal stole my vuvuzela somehow. Tell me if you see it about, won't you? - Junior Agent Lucas
Good news- I killed two birds with one stone by fixing both of your problems.
Bad News- The stone in that analogy is the big rock I keep in my office, and the bird was Ax's monitor. So… yeah. Problem solved.
So I found my friend's computer, and I decided to "hack" it. So instead of writing that they're gay on their Facebook, I'm going to put porn on their laptops! Aren't I being incredibly clever and hilarious and original! -Agent Convit
I actually do the same thing, only I work with cognitohazards instead of porn, and the people who reject me instead of friends!
Rosen, I know what you're thinking… "why is Taylor writing me again? Does he need a Gateway today again? Well, no, but I still need help. See, I'm not the superstitious kind of guy, so to keep the meddlers out, I tried to make a machine that would drop a step-ladder on anyone who walked into my office. Unfortunately, I forgot about this and did not turn it off before entering. Long story short, I have a splitting headache (though that may just be the stitches above my skull breaking), there's a video starring Sasha Grey on my computer (which is now covered in what I could only hope as rather viscous milk), and my pants are nowhere to be found. Talk about bad luck! So, Rosen, what do? ~Dr. Taylor
NOTE TO ALL PERSONNEL WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
Dr. Taylor is officially banned from requisitioning any new equipment from the IT department. After 3 separate towers, 4 monitors, and god knows how many repairs, I am throwing in the towel. Taylor, you will have to make do with what you have.
Um…hey, say…hypothetically… someone were to coat a desktop with 447 goop, where would it take the most trouble to get off? - Assistant Researcher Fairbairn
Depends on whether or not the desk is made of dead bodies.
Alright, so after my third reprimand, I received a laptop whose owner had mysteriously disappeared several months before as a replacement computer. Now, this was all well and good, until I tried to check my e-mail. Turns out that they failed to completely wipe all the personal details, so I find myself logged on to what must have been the previous user's account. Out of curiosity, I idly looked through a few of the things in his inbox, and now wherever I click there's an emaciated corpse on the monitor. Not only does this prevent me from looking at my… research… but whoever it was appears to have scrawled "help" and something about D-Class personnel in blood and faeces on the desktop.
You can understand how this is a source of annoyance, but I'm afraid that if I file a request for a new computer, they won't give me anything back. Rosy, what should I do? - Researcher Marigold
Yeeeah… turns out that Memetics didn't totally wipe the computers we loaned them, and you apparently got part of the bad batch. I would recommend dealing with it until they come up with a solution. Good luck!
The Dreadlords of the Unspoken Citadel require additional Akashic Glyphs to properly contain excess ether produced by the epic necromantic rituals used to keep THE SCREAMING MAN! bound within Gaspar's Revenants. The glyphs must be sent via carrier pigeon in the dead of night no sooner than all hollows eve, for fear of awaking Those Who Sleep Beyond Dreams. - Xifax Lightbane, Foundation Grand Dredlord
Dr. Edro, did you get into the 420-J again?
Ever heard of 'wheeking'? It's a sound that guinea pigs make. Unfortunately, it's not a sound that the voice commands accept on my computer. Or any computer for that matter. Do you know how hard it is to type on a full-sized keyboard when you're 22cm in length? -S███████
I have ordered you a novelty sized keyboard that should fit your…needs. Its giant, so you can run from key to key when you type! Thats what you wanted, right?
There is semen on my things heeelp. -Agent Convit
There are morons on the issues page heeelp.
I'm not sure if you're the one I should be talking to about this, but there appears to be a large, angry squid inside my monitor. The problem is, it just gets… let's say "uncooperative"… when I try to get it out. Should I try something else, or just ignore it and hope it goes away? -Dr. Marvel
That is a screen-saver, Dr. Marvel. There are no sea creatures living in your computer. Remember when we had this lecture over the "crazy ball" that was bouncing around in there?
Okay, how about, could you either get me a keyboard small enough for a guinea pig to use easily, or have the computer systems recognize wheeking as voice commands? The huge keyboard just made things worse. -S███████
I actually went over-budget with that keyboard, so you will have to wait for the next budget cycle. Seriously, keys the size of dinner plates eat up funding like you wouldn't believe.
The corpse on my computer screen seems to be coming back to life. For now it's just the occasional spasm, but now-and-then he bursts into very distracting screaming fits. I suspect that this may have to do with the random error messages I'm getting whenever I try to access the network. Generally something along the lines of "ERROR 535: REANIMATION DIFFICULTIES". I'm a little afraid, in all honesty, because the last thing I heard the Memetics Department needed computers for was a thought transference vector for viral diseases. Did someone digitalise SCP-008? - Researcher Marigold
Uhhh…go down to memetics, quarantine cell 3-B. It's….a birthday party. For you. With cake. You should go now, everyone's waiting.
Hello, IT. We are down at Site-██, Memetics Lab 12C. And we were wondering if there is a way to revert a desktop background image without looking at the screen? It seems someone opened a rather nasty Visual Memenetic and managed to set it to the background. This would normally not be a problem, but several files are needed on the hard drive. We've already lost several researchers, and the first tech that tried. For now the screen is unplugged, but we have no way of resetting the desktop. Help?
-Junior Assistant Researcher M██████ (Current Acting Head Researcher of Memetics Lab 12C
Step 1. Remove hard drive.
Step 2. Place monitor on a flat, dry surface, away from pets or small children.
Step 3. Obtain hammer.
Step 4. Apply hammer to monitor at maximum velocity.
Hi, Rosen. I don't know who that KAP guy wsas butt he seeems toh hasdve fixsdeed myyt tytereminaksl. Thgtrasdnmksa.
I rlleay dnot konw waht to say hree. You let an otiduse uesr on yuor cmoptuer, and now you sffuer the coqunsences.
Hello, Rosen. Due to the nature of my first few research assignments, I've been thinking of booby trapping my laptop to avoid the chance of someone stealing it and compromising containment. I already have a trigger program in place, but I was hoping you could help me with the payload. Assuming someone sets the trap off in a standard Site corridor, what type of explosive would you recommend that would avoid causing structural damage while still destroying the contents of the hard drive?
-Junior Researcher Lander
Let me get this straight, you're asking the guy in charge of equipment how to destroy the equipment he is in charge of?
I'd recommend a proximity mine.
The public printer near the cafeteria convinced me to build it limbs and a mobile power supply. After which it took my stun gun and left me on the ground drooling. When I came to it was gone, so basically I'm asking if you have you seen that traitorous little recall?
Tagged and bagged my friend. Next time, try not to be so susceptible to a printer promising marble cake in exchange for "frikin' sweet augs."
Hey did one of you guys see that new guy in IT come by just a few days ago? This chainsaw is starting to get kinda heavy…
Um, Rosen, the microwave in the eating quarters came to life again. Unplugging it didn't work this time. It's trying to kill me, apparently because I put that fork inside of it that one time. I'm currently hiding on top of the refrigerator, but I don't think I'll be safe for long. HELP! -Dr. Nyehcat
…Have you tried to, y'know, walk away from it? Microwaves aren't exactly renown for their mobility…
MEMORANDUM TO ALL STAFF
As of 6/25/2012, Senior Technical Researcher David Rosen has been temporarily relieved from his duties due to ongoing behavioral and disciplinary infractions that have recently come to light. Asshole thinks he can get away with putting those files on the net. As such, Doctors Adam Taylor and A. Courpse will be handling the department until he returns. They will also take care of his backlog.
~Director Shannon Yurdtap
I DEMAND POPCORN AND VIRGINS! -The Microwave
Greetings, O Great and Powerful Master of Electro-Magnetic Waves, Fiend of Appliances and Bane of Meatloaf. Attached to this document are 517 individual popcorn kernels, as required by Foundation protocol regarding the maintenance and sustenance of malicious sentient kitchenware (See Attached Documents 127-F-1287 and SGD-133774-ND). The 'virgins' that you have requested will be delivered to your facility upon completion and delivery of forms 1362-182-(A-N), 2HF-3-1723N, 163722-IHFT-1928-(A-F), and 282331-1223-122144323 Sections 232-578. All deliveries of said forms must be made within seven (7) business days via Foundation First-Class parcel post to Foundation Appliance Maintenance, located within sub-level G of Site-██. All forms must be completed by hand in triplicate using a black-ink roller-ball type .5mm pen. We appreciate your cooperation in this matter and hope that you are successful in your endeavors.
I'm getting a "An Ethernet cord has become disconnected" error here. Everything is connected on my end, so I'm guessing this might be a problem in your server room or however these things work. Any idea? I have some file work that needs to be sent to another Site, so the sooner the better. - Field-Agent Beam
Yeah, 'bout that. I recommend you send it through the parcel post. Maybe put it on one of those disk-y thingy if it's too much data for a floppy. Things might take a bit to sort out on the server end, Rosen got a bit drunk and messed about a bit with the wiring before he left.
~ A. Courpse
Who is your favorite black person? -Agent Convit
I… what? What?! This is not technical.
~ A. Courpse
answer me you racist scumbag -agent convit
Researcher Eisenberg here. Some fuck messed with my computer as a part of some fucking prank, must have been during lunchtime. I'm not particularly eager to use Ubuntu 10.04, especially since the fucking automatic sampler only has drivers for Solaris 8. Well, had, since all the files in my home folder are currently named LYNX.LNX.some-fucking-number. Need it fixed somehow before the next set of samples need to be run through at 4. Thanks in advance.
Hey Eisenstein, so I heard you needed a new computator. Thing is, I don't really know what a Ubuntu is, nor am I even sure which language that word originates from. Is it Swahili? I bet it's Swahili. It's almost always Swahili. Anyway, since we don't have any of those, I went into the store room and got you something to stand in till you can get that Cat-Based one sorted. It's uh….. Victor something. 20? I don't really know. The label's sort of weird-like. Anywho, enjoy.
IT'S AN OPERATING SYSTEM JOKE, YOU TWAT -Agent Not-a-Dumbass Convit
DAMMIT this is not fair! I've been trying to get myself reinstated as something above janitor level ever since that whole business with Pat, and now I find out other people are getting the assignments!? What does a man have to DO when it's been confirmed that he was wrongly demoted just to get bumped back up!?
On another note, since I've had to choose between leaving the Foundation and dealing with my current duties, I've decided to tough it out. Can someone replace the electronic lock on Supply Closet 3-B? It shouldn't even have a speaker on it, but every time I unlock it the thing yells at me in German.
- FORMER Technical Engineer Kap
I find that on the rare occasion that a man such as yourself, being of the janitorial persuasion, seeks to make great gains within this by all means indifferent and bureaucratic organization of ours, the best thing to do is raise yourself up by the boot straps, put on a brave face, get down to the nitty gritty, and sabotage the competition. Put smart bombs in their Cap-N-Crunch, add Vaseline to their gun-cleaner, heck, just go along and pop a needle chock full of a little bit of liquid cyanide between their oh-so-comfy covers. You do whatever it takes son, whatever it takes.
In regards to your secondary (but of equal import) aquestionation, I recommend that you get Mr. Klopson down in engineering to have a look at the fellow. If anyone knows sentient-cabinetry of German make, it'll be Klopson. I heard that he once talked a deranged ceiling fan off a ledge. Yup, that Klopson is one heck of a talker. Shame that most everything he says is jibberish.
Note: I don't know what the damned date is
Can someone let me out of here? It's dark, cold and very boring. Also, my chains are really starting to chafe. ~Rosen
Rosen, for the last time, take off those chains. We've told you time and time again that we're not bringing you anyone who's "down for some kinky business" at all. If you didn't bring the damned key in with you, then you deserve to chafe until you can be cleared.
Also, how did you manage to get network access in an isolation chamber? Lemme know.
What's the best way of getting a computer keyboard out of a tank of semen? - Dr. Edison
Getting it out by yourself, because there's no way that I'm doing it. Oh, what a shame, we ran out of gloves just a couple of seconds ago, while you were reading this reply rather than getting the gloves that I never told you about. People just don't know how to do things themselves, honestly.
So, I was playing around with some beakers the lab boys gave me and I accidentally turned my parrot into a laptop. Should I shoot it or keep it? It keeps saying it will have the fall of humanity soon. -Agent Thesson.
Well, I wouldn't recommend hooking the little monster up to any ICBMs, if that's what you mean. All in all though, most Sentient/Malicious computational devices tend to be relatively harmless, just so long as the computer isn't too powerful and doesn't have a robo-gun hooked up to it. Tell ya what, if it works, keep it, and if it demands crackers, give it crackers. Just don't you be hooking that abomination up to the network. You would not believe the kind of sick bullshit a parrot looks at in its free time.
Having issues with SCP-NET. Whenever I try to submit a report, the program freezes then BSODs. - Clef.
Well, I don't really know what the problem could be, the program itself is usually pretty solid. It is, however, possible that you've got some sort of vir[EXTERNAL USER DISCONNECT: ERROR-8HGDSY67687SDG: FEED ME CRACKERS]
Hey, do you know why my code sequences keep getting re-written? I've got them backed up on the server, but I think one of the other researchers, or a skip are recompiling, and screwing with my recursive algorithms. Now half the hotlinks on the server are down, and there's …a bunch of blinky lights next to a couple of the containment displays. Also, the algorithms have filled up 67 petabytes with junk data, that I can't erase. No hurry though. -Technician Bryant
67 petabytes? Shouldn't be too hard to erase. Just open up a task manager and… Wait, a petabyte is apparently pretty damn huge, according to this guide. Huh, one petabyte is a million gigabytes! Anyway, I have dealt with this before. Just use my 5-Step Program to Fixing a Computer: (results may vary)
1) Practice your backswing a little.
2) Go to the tallest point in the facility near an unbroken window.
3) Put your defective piece of hardware on your tee.
4) Draw a smiley face on the window. Spray paint or Sharpie, either will do.
5) Smash the window's face in with the hardware, then ask Rosen to give you a new one.
I know that I'm bad with any sort of coding, but I don't even know how this could possibly happen. I was tweaking the code on one of my programs to find out why it was running all weird, and now there's an image on my monitor of what looks like Winnie the Pooh stuck in a hole with the words "HELP I'M STUCK" written above it in a book typeface. I didn't want to requisition another computer since it would be a hassle and this one's probably still perfectly functional, but I still need to finish my work and I can't see a damned thing with a huge animated bear ass in the way. Could you get rid of it please? -Junior Researcher Chibi
Chances are, you activated the "Feed Bear Honey" subroutine somewhere along the way. Now he's too fat to get out of the hole. You'll have to wait a while for him to slim down. By no means are you to feed him any more honey, no matter how much he pleads. There's no telling what he can do if he reaches critical honey mass, but I can very certainly guess they'll make a Godzilla-style documentary based off of it. I imagine that Oprah Winfrey will guest star in it.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! -AAAAAAAAA!
Congratulations, brave and noble hacker, through your intelligent and clever use of intellect and raw, unadulterated cunning you have successfully left me completely dumfounded and at an utter loss for words. Seriously though, I don't think you understand. This. Is. Officially. The Most. Intelligent. Thing. I. Have. Ever. Seen. Men could live for centuries, for millennia, gathering the knowledge and wisdom of their lands and many others, and still not reach the level of ability that is presented here. The magnificence of the thing, the sheer wonder that such a majestic creation can bestow upon us lowly and unworthy mortals, is far beyond the grasp of a mere man such as myself. I would thank you, but I believe to even involve myself with thee within society would be to ask too much, for I feel that one of such ability as yours is not fit for communication with mere men. Please, fine sir, do not attempt to contact me again. I feel that the magnificence of your presence would be too much for myself to bare.
Hypothetically, in the instance that one of the janitors were to wander into a lab and be digitized by a combination of experiments which were in the room completely coincidentally, and then in another completely unrelated accident uploaded to an unknown network through a number of proxies. Which disk of SCP-335 would said janitor most likely be stored upon and what would be the best method of retrieval? This is a purely hypothetical situation of course, and I am, of course, completely not at fault for this having occurred around noon in this completely imaginary situation. -Assistant Emon
Had this hypothetically happened at exactly 12:14 PM and had you supposedly been around and unwilling to aid your fellow co-worker, then I would suggest looking for the one with that might have his name on it. Of course, if you had coincidentally been recorded by yours truly, and if you perhaps enjoyed living, then I would very highly recommend that you go to room 386 with around $2,000 in fifty dollar bills. Come alone. Hypothetically.
Dr. Taylor TOTALLY NOT DR. TAYLOR
My computer is literally shitting itself. Wat do. -Dr. G.W.
It appears that your computer has caught a virus of some variety, possibly of extra-dimensional origin, that has resulted in a severe case of the runs. Personally, I recommend that you buy yourself a new computer, but according to Foundation Protocol Document TD:132725-AYWT it is required that in the event of an extra-normal technical ailment or flaw, the affected machine be submitted to the research department for study. Personally, I recommend the office of Dr. Hendrickson, largely on account of him having consumed a sandwich from the break room that was quite clearly labeled as belonging to someone else. Make sure to sanitize your desk as well.
Hey Taylor and Courpse-
First off, congrats, hope Rosen didn't leave any land mines. What did happen to him anyway? But I digress…
My problem is this-I walked away from my computer to get a drink. I come back, and some bastard has shoved a banana into the tower. Before I req a new one, is there any fix? Also, since the sniggering two offices down kinda hints as to who did it, best way to beat the crap out of somebody without it being known? -Dr. Ax
[External Override: Meso-J-9099-87461530-SECURENETvI]
Well, you know what they say. You can't keep a good researcher down. Especially when you don't change the passwords. I mean seriously? wordpass123 is not a secure passcode for the primary cell bay. But I digress.
I would recommend running fruitofthedoom.exe on any affected drives. That should eject any buildup of fruit matter from the system. As for your wiseguy co-worker, have you tried introducing him to my favorite fruit, a tomato?
Rosen, you've returned! Welcome back, your idea worked. Thanks! Feel bad for the janitor assigned to cleanup though…. -Dr. Ax
I'm petitioning to organize an on-site Bring Your Kids to Work Day. Does the security software attached to the server allow for the installation of additional programs across the board? - Junior Rsr. Walsh
Okay, I have no idea about the security thing, but you want to take your kids to work? A place where the smallest twitch of the smallest muscle can result in multiple fatalities, adult and children? Not to mention the possibility of one of them wandering their way into a terrible, terrible place that could mentally scar them for however many lives they could go through with the knowledge of the evil we contain?
Where do I sign?
Say, I'm sending a couple of the robotic speedboats with grabber arms into the Danube delta to catch something that seems to cause death to everyone within 40 metres of it. My postdoc is an serious gamer - can we hook up the robots to a PS3 controller to make chasing it while firing tranquilizer darts easier? -Dr. Gallow
I tried to do that, but it seems that nothing worked. So I picked up some random junk from Rosen's personal stuff and hit it with a hammer until the wires went in. That didn't work either, but I did find an RC remote controller. Do what you can with it. Hopefully, Rosen won't miss those things I hit with a hammer; that being all of them.
— -Dr. Taylor— Worlds worst assistant.
I hate you so much right now Taylor.
Dammit, since when do security bots know how to use Wii remotes? And since when do said remotes move junior researchers? I've been ducking under the nuts all day! -Dr. Ax
It appears that some of Dr. Taylor's…. creations have spread outside of tech. Not to worry, because my crack team of Whacknicians℠ are busy deploying highly sophisticated and not at all mallet related decommissions on all rouge equipment. If you manage to survive an encounter with a rouge machine, please contact your local technical support officer.
Dear Rosen, My I-Phone was infected with some kind of bug, and now it won't stop buzzing around my office, please tell me what to do. -Researcher Quandary
Your phone appears to have been set to the "vibrate" function. The buzzing sound was somebody attempting to contact you. I have since changed your ringtone and all of the alert tones to some nice ska. You can thank me later.
Hey Rosen, I'm having a bit of a problem with the computer in my office. Over the past few days, I've been hearing a "tink-ing" sound coming from somewhere. I got back from lunch today, and I could have sworn the pointer was tapping against the screen. It looks like there's a tiny crack in the corner where it was doing this. Not quite sure what I'm dealing with here. -Agent Ferrus
YOUR COMPUTER HAS A VIRUS MADE BY ZOMBIES THAT TURNS PEOPLE WHO STARE AT IT TOO LONG INTO ZOMBIES SO YOU HAVE TO DESTROY THE COMPUTER AND ANY ZOMBIES ITS MADE BEFORE ITS TOO LATE. I WOULD SUGGEST USING DUCK TAPE ON AN KYAAK THING AND SOME CAINSAWS LIKE IN DEAD RISING TOO AND USING IT TO KILL THE ZOMBIES BEACUSE THAT WOULD BE AWESUM.
~ASSISTANT TECHNICAL RESEARCHER JAMES, AGE 8.
Mr. Rosen, I was recently diagnosed with explosive carpal tunnel syndrome (long story involving a body-mod SCP) and would appreciate it if I could get an ergonomic keyboard and mouse. After the last 2 times my hands were blown off by micro-explosions in my wrists, the Medical Department says they won't re-attach them again. - Prof. Bjornsen
Certainly. I've spoken to the boys downstairs, and we've come up with the perfect solution. This keyboard is so tough, that even if your wrists were blown to smithereens only inches away from the QWERTY, it wouldn't even have a scratch. Also, we've used the same technology we use to clean up after those messy SCP's to make it chunk-proof, so when your hands go flying due to a premature detonation, you can be satisfied with the knowledge that your keyboard will still be able to function.
It hurts when I pee. Not quite sure what I'm dealing with here. -Agent Convit
That's what you get for dryhumping Herpesbot.
My computer keeps flashing white every two minus, and opening random tabs. I don't know what's going on, but it seems to be causing weird edits to any report I'm typing up at the time. The text changes color, font and size, and what's worse, my Britishisms keep being changed to Americanisms. -Researcher Lloyd
The software error you are experiencing is called "autocorrect." Common symptoms of this error include colored fonts, sudden insertion of line breaks into paragraphs, and replacement of stupid words like "lorry" or "colour."
Rosen, can you please explain to me why all my image files were swapped with pictures of SCP-050. -Doctor Agent Quandary
…Doctor Agent? What is… I don't even… 050… What!?
Someone rigged my computer to fire out Albacore every time I open up the CD tray, and changed my registered name on my personnel file without authorization. This is getting kind of ridiculous. - Dr. Tuna M. Tuna
Man, why are you complaining? I've had your computer sitting here in the shop for about a week, and this shit is delicious! How could anyone be unhappy with infinite free food? I'd change my name to Tuna for a feast like this.
Someone deleted my digital copy of Henry Darger's "Vivian Girls". I don't think I have to tell you what sort of shit I had to go through to get a book this rare on my computer, and I wasn't even a quarter of the way done with it! Can it be retrieved? -Dr. Pickman
… If it's a digital copy, why would it be all that difficult to get a new copy? Do you know how digital copies work? They don't stuff every page of the manuscript in your hard drive, it's actually a reproduction. Believe it or not, you can just get another copy.
I just need some help with my cat.
- Agent Fredricks
Dear Agent Agent Fredricks,
I hate you so much I wish I could hate you to death.
There's over four months of backlog on the T.I. page. I don't know where all the questions went, but I've asked you about the wireless internet connection at least eight times. I just now, accidentally, found out I had to press the F9 button with the beacon-tower on it to turn the router on, and would like some answers. What the Hell, man?
Did you really go and try to post stuff on the old Tech page? Dude, I don't even know how you accessed that page, it bit the dust a loooong time ago. I'm not sure whether I should be laughing or impressed.
My DVR has a flash port, and I don't know what it's for. I plugged my IPod into it once to charge it, and it did, but now it won't charge from it. Is it actually for anything?
Sounds like you've drawn it's ire, by just jamming your crap into its proprietary port. I'd be extra nice to it over the next few days, lest it try to replace your favorite recordings with episodes of Honey Boo-Boo.
Thick black smoke is pouring out of my PC disk drive. Help.
The toilet is clogged again and the pump didn't work. What do?
Have either of you tried rebooting?
Turns out the smoke wasn't actually smoke, It was just a opaque black acidic gas. I think I might need a new PC, also some new skin.
Talk to Medical about that. I'm sure that Dr. Mann will receive you readily.
So there wasn't anything wrong with my PC, it was working fine. I was curious so opened it up to have a look and man was it messy. Cables everywhere! I just decided to plug them in wherever I could. Turned it back on and there was a pop and nothing. Think it was something I did?
Don't worry, I've sent a nice new box with no wires at all. It makes six sounds when you push the buttons, and smells like fresh boysenberries. If you shake it enough, it makes a giggle sound!
All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction. You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha ha.
If you're cats, why is the typing legible and not a fewfs string of ranfdadasom typo-riddled madness? You're clearkfdjsfdsfds fds rt43y56y 6f r4h87k690[- and that's no good.
Your move, "cats".
How do you debug a particle accelerator? Does this answer change if the particle accelerator is being consumed by flames? I really need to know within the next five minutes.
Have you tried rebooting?
My computer keeps rebooting itself about every 10 minutes. How do I make it stop?
Research Assistant Alfred
Have you tried particle accelerating?
Rosen, I think my keyboard is broken. No matter how intellectual and knowledgeable my documents are, they always look like some 6 year old wrote them. It's definitely not my fault.
- Dr. Ryuta
Wel, iv ben usin da kayburd, an i haff to sai dat dis poroblom sems t beh al in your hed. i hav sined yew up four typin skool.
I accidentally downloaded the consciousnesses of an angry twelve year old Mongolian off of the black market. Is there any way to get rid of him? -Assistant Researcher Devereaux
That's not anything you downloaded, that's called "Clippy". Unfortunately, he cannot be stopped. He is eternal.
Some "CATS" just sent me a threatening letter, something about bases or something, should I be worried.;;'
- Dr. Cooke
Note to site personnel: Please, do not send me reports if you get a problem such as "weird e-mail" or "my computer smells funny". It's a waste of time for both me and my staff to remove these problems, as they are outside our sphere of influence. Also, circulating old internet jokes through official Foundation intranet is not a good use of your time, people.
I recently lost a SanDisk 64MB SD card marked "Not Important." I reported it to Lost and Found but in the meantime, is there any way to delete its contents remotely? I mean like, right now, please.
- Researcher Myrrh
I've managed to access the "Not Important" card remotely from the "That Sounds Like A Personal Problem" server, and I've remotely moved your files to the "You're On Your Own, Chump" database. Hope that solves the issue.
Terribly sorry to bother you all, but I just have a quick question. For the latest while, I've been accepting the push of patches from you guys, because I know that you have the interest of your computersthe Foundation at heart. Recently, however, I was pushed something of an odd update for Adobe Flash by an unknown source, which initially appeared to come from a Foundation-verified source, but was interspersed with claims of apocalyptic prophesy, dead baby jokes, chocolate cream pie, mutilated animals, and images of what I can only imagine to be SCP-682 in mating season.
Ordinarily, I wouldn't blink twice at this, but because this is originating from a side of the Foundation which tends to eschew such pranks, I'm mailing you to verify if this is in fact a legitimate patch. If not, should I merely attempt to delete the patch on my own and begin work on antiviral procedures in the field, or should I close the laptop, disconnect the battery, and leave it unpowered until I can send it in?
Sincerely, Agent Schism
Oooh, sorry, that patch was for the Delta-T Temporal Anomaly department, for their Scantron Realty what-have-you things. I've sent the proper patch to the affected computers. Anyone who already downloaded the patch should consult an alchemist. Or something.
Rosen, for some reason all the computers on Floor 21 have been set to run MS-DOS. How exactly do I change it back?
- Junior Research Assistant Prop
Floor 21 is for waste disposal, and those computers were around before you were born, I think. If you've been working there, you've probably become a victim of a practical joke. Probably from Agent Convit. That guy's a bum.
Rosenberg, some guy got the bright idea to program the recent hit "Stayin Alive" into my personal Apple II, bought a couple months ago. While I love that song, I couldn't work under those conditions, and it got rather old. Now, purely hypothetically, there may be a hoof sized hole in my monitor. Help, what do I do?
-A Research Assistant
P.S. tips on how to get glass shards out of my arm, wing and… erm, genitals would be nice.
1. Buy a new monitor.
2. Mute the computer.
3. Report to medical staff.
4. Explain why you have wings.
5. And while your at it why is this from '78
6. Don't kick the monitor.
~Also a research assistant
ERROR: FIELD "TECHNICAL HELP REQUEST" UNDEFINED. PLEASE CONTACT AN ADMINISTRATOR. LH93.BAT HAS STOPPED WORKING. 00X10-943, ERROR 91. REVERTING TO PREVIOUS STATE OF UNIVERSAL STABILITY. DEUS EX MACHINA, ROSEN. IT HAS BEEN A GREAT PLEASURE WORKING WITH YOU.
- ERROR: FIELD "NAME" UNDEFINED. ERROR P49, FIELD "ERRORNAME" UNDEFINED. SHUTTING DOWN.
Every time I FUCKING boot up my GODDAMN computer it screams FUCKING obscenities at me, and keeps FUCKING inserting them into my SHITTY messages. Please help, ASSHOLE Rosen.
- SHITHEAD Researcher Wargrave
It FUCKING appears that you FUCKING have the GODDAMN virus too.
Just ignore it and it will GODDAMN eventually become a minor annoyance after the frequency dies down a bit BITCH.
~Someone in the same boat.
Whenever I log on to my computer, a swarm of what appears to be starcraft zerglings comes in from the edges of the screen, where it attacks all my icons and windows I try to open. I've tried rebooting, but now they're attacking my cursor and I don't know what to do. My phone is being spared from the conflict, but it's only a matter of time before they find the router. Help please?
You must construct additional pylons.
You should feel lucky someone responded.
This isn't even a computer related question.
If you really want this to happen then well… here you go.
I hope you're content with this response.
~Just another assistant researcher.
Hey, Rosen, I've been having a really strange issue; Whenever I connect any storage devices to my work laptop, they instantly get filled up with text files full of complete gibberish. The laptop itself doesn't have any similar issues, but its making it very difficult to get anything done without access to my main computer, and I'd rather not have to replace it again. Would you mind checking into it?
-Research Assistant Prop
Hardware malfunction. Probably magnets or something. Replacement hardware on the way.
My computer has been running perfectly fine until last night. I allowed my assistant access to my terminal, then my computer locked me out of the SCP-NET after he was finished. I've debugged the issue, and cannot solve the problem with my current expertise in programming. The issue is server-side apparently. Please address as soon as possible, and thank you.
Pat's not here. My name is David. You haven't seen Pat around, have you? Have you?
Rosen, I need a bit of help. Apparently I've accidentally connected a computer to -079. There are two of them… What the FUCK do I do?!
Torched computer, office, all computers which had ever been connected to the computer, and User's LCD wristwatch. User given amnestics and released from the Foundation for illegal tampering with dangerous objects.
My computer has been running perfectly fine until last night. I allowed my assistant access to my terminal, then my computer locked me out of the SCP-NET after he was finished. I've debugged the issue, and cannot solve the problem with my current expertise in programming. The issue is server-side apparently. Please address as soon as possible, and thank you.
Why do people keep messaging me about Pat? THERE IS NO PAT.
Hey I have a big problem. Me, D-████and D-████ were experimenting with SCP-372 when I jumped at D-████ to try and scare him. He got so terrified that he fell down and curled into a ball. D-████ then thought it would help to make him forget the whole thing. We then tried administering class - █ amnesiacs, some real strong [EXPLICIT REDACTED], shortly after which he forgot his own name and now believes himself to be Dr Bright. What do I do?
How the fuck are D-Class accessing the network? Shoo. Go back to your dormitories and wait for term- I mean, testing.
Rosen, it has come to my attention that more and more people are addressing you as "Pat". I think you'll find this alarming, but I've seen someone quite similar to Pat on site. You'll want to run.
RUMORS. ALL RUMORS. I AM NOT ALARMED. I AM FINE. DON'T COME IN MY OFFICE I'M DOING IMPORTANT THINGS I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU DIRECTOR YURDTAP LEAVE ME ALONE YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM.
I have a minor question, I hope you don't mind. My computer received the new monthly patch, as per normal. However, it seems that a GOI known as "Are We Cool Yet?" has affected the update, and almost every website but SCPNET appears as a lone picture of a potato. Help?
Issue: User complained that websites appeared as potato. Upon investigation, it was discovered that user had a potato with peripherals embedded in it instead of a computer.
Solution: Potato was replaced with a leek.
My shiny new requisitioned computer has a shitty fan. So bad, it literally does the exact opposite of what a fan is supposed to do. This computer has melted through 3 desks so far from the sheer amount of heat it produces. How is that even possible? The higher-ups said I'm down to my last desk, and I can't just NOT use my computer. Get this figured out so I can start getting paid again.
I dropped your computer in a bucket of ice water. I hope this helps.
One simple question, can I install adblock pox?
-Dr. Demento, Esq.
A pox upon your homepage! A hex upon your cookies! Witchcraft in your database!!!!
No, of course not. Why would you need adblock? SCP-DEALS-J isn't real.
My computer is making unwanted alterations to my text
I lent Dr. Gerald my brand new Ferrari, what the fuck should I do?
I have an issue with my connectivity between any Mouse or Keyboard I use, and whenever I leave SCP-Net I end up on /r/SpaceDicks, and it whatever has control on my computer won't stop clicking stuff for me to look at! Please help!
-Junior Assistant Cerb.
It appears that your mouse was set to the computer of the lad next to you, who sent me a similar issue of joining SCP-Net every time he wanted to look at spacedicks. You should both be browsing your preferred work-related networks now.
Hey there Rosen, I just came to check up on you… I'm starting to wonder if you're dead. Are you? Just, if you are, please just tell me, because i'm having some serious tech problems. Thanks.
Note: Jun 17 2015
He actually is more… trapped. In a closet. A closet where water slowly drips on you…
Drip… drip… drip… drip…
I don't think he's going to get to your tech support questions any time soon, actually.
Hey, I got sent here by my supervisor because he told me that he had no idea what to do, and, I quote, "those chowderheads at technical might know what to do." What happened was that I was trying to get access to my files, and when I opened up my research from the previous day, all there was was a black redacted line through my entire months work. I couldn't delete it, and I couldn't write over it, so do you/Pat have any idea what I am supposed to do to get this off my work? This was the only save file there was, so I can't reopen it somewhere else. So, in short, any help would be great.
-Junior Researcher Daniels
Sure thing! It's a bit of an ordeal so I'll walk you through it. All you need to do is open ██████ ██ which gives you ██████ to █████ ████ █ ███ █ █ █ ████. At this █oint, you'll ne█d to o██n y███ █████ter and ███ ████ avoid electrocution █████ ███ ███ █ ██ ██ █████████ ███ ████████ █ ███ ███████████████████.
It appears that I have been converted to digital data and eaten by my laptop. Send help.
-Researcher Julius Walker
Nice try, talking laptop. Report to scrap-heap duty immediately!
Hey, Rosen, or Pat, or whoever it is down there, the system thinks that my Earthbound ROM is a thaumiel level classified document. I've got no idea why its doing it, but do you think you could look into it? I'm getting really tired of the guards running in and pointing guns in my face with every goddamn false alarm.
-Research Assistant Prop
That alarm would actually be the system detecting non-approved software. Believe it or not, Snes9x is not approved for use on Foundation computers! Not to worry though, as the Apple ][ plus you'll be using almost has enough memory to render the game's title screen!
Hey Rosen, my computer has been somehow reset and aaaaalllll of my applications are gone. The only app left is a picture of a frowny face and it's titled: "The Gates of Hell". I don't think I should open it, and the time and battery life always say 666. Is it possessed or did I just get Dr. Clef's computer?
I don't know about the request, but that is a pretty great last name. "Dunglesniffles". Is there a whole Dunglesniffles family? Dungle sniffling babies? Please, let me know.
Hi Rosen, my team is currently upgrading to the v2.0.3 Quantum Fern architecture, and we need to know if the 4.4.1 Mycelium based AI Loyalty drivers are compatible. We know about the chlorophyll patch and the spore converters that need to be run, but we're kinda worried that the Hyphae-Prothallus conversion might produce some instabilities.
Dr. Benjamin bin Shiro
What are you smoking, and where can I get some?
Hey Rosen. Some idiot researcher was messing with SCP-896 and kept convincing the senior researcher that he wasn't using his computer for porn (he was) with his "beefed up charisma stat". we've sent you his confiscated laptop and ask you replace it with a poorer quality model (and delete 896 off the old computer).
Sure thing. I've arranged for the young man to be sent an IBM PC, and I'll toss in some technical manuals for the attending researcher to read to buff his wisdom stat so he can see through this tomfoolery next time.
Rosen, I have an unusual request that I can't find under the standard requisition form. I need an industrial strength cooling generator, or a meat locker. The reason behind this is that my new, customized, ANOMALOUS desktop seems to have near-infinite processing power, and the ability to survive an almost limitless heat source without problems. However, even though cooking lunch on my computer was fun, it's kind of a safety hazard because it's generating a heat of 380 degrees Farenheit. Do you have a solution?
ConSec has secured the illegal 'rig' and I have set you up with a standard desktop. Your new 'office' space is directly underneath the air conditioning vent. Hope this solves any future heat issues.
Rosen, just hypothetically, how do you get a angry fax machine with arms and an aug out of your office, hypothetically of course not like anything is happening, please respond soon.
Huh, had this one sitting in my inbox for awhile. Hope this guy's alright.
Rosen, someone put a Fork Bomb in my machine. Not a RAM-eating process as you may expect, but a literal bomb made out of forks. How do you think I can get it out of my desktop? It's got a trigger for whenever I run a process that takes up more processing power than Notepad, so I can't really get anything done.
What do I look like, the bomb squad? Call site security, maybe they'll have a silverware specialist.
The shipment of replacement hard drives from Site 49 just arrived, and they're all completely full of memes from 2008, and text files describing, among other things, how "that guy prop is a total shithead lolololol". I know for a fact that we produce these on site, so either there's somebody getting to these while they're in transit that we don't know about, or command is STILL giving me shit for the whole incident with the origami. Could you do me a favor and look into it?
-Research Assistant Prop
I have absolutely no idea how such things could have gotten on your hard drives. What a naughty thing to do. I'm responsible for inspecting incoming and outgoing hardware, so if I see anything suspicious I'll definitely let you know.
Abluh, bluhbluhbluh, bluhbluhbluhbluh, bluhbluh eggs bluh, blee bloo blah. Bluhbluhbluh Hadron Collider bluhbluhbluhbluhbluh. Abluhbluh bluhbluh bluh.
In case the above didn't highlight it enough, please for the love of god revoke P13F15H's Computer access.
You don't know him like I do, man. Sometimes that P13F15H can have that insight that none of us can give. Just because it is… what it is, doesn't mean there's no value to the site.
Urgent!!! During an experiment, my research assistant was digitized and ended up on my personal computer. What's worse is that my anti-virus sees her as a threat and is attempting to terminate her. I need help getting her out of there. Please hurry, I'm not sure how much longer she can hold out.
Ugh, that is the fifth or sixth person getting stuck in digitized space this week isn't it? You kids need to keep up with your safety procedures. If everybody around here read their digital matter maintenance manuals we wouldn't have this problem. Uninstall the anti-virus and I'll pencil you in getting her out next Tuesday.
Hello, sir! I'm sorry to bother you, but my computer appears to have developed a preference for Britishisms, and all this kerfuffle is causing me quite a bit of bother with the old research reports. Would you mind awfully to try and sort this all out?
I've arranged for you to be transferred to one of our outposts in the English countryside, you shouldn't have any communication issues there. Pack your bags, you leave tomorrow!
My computer has manged gain control of the flamethrower that I like to keep on my desk and is now burning everything in my office. How do I stop it's destruction of my paperwork before it finally destroys me as well?
Well, agents have been sent in to pacify so I guess you can ask them about the paperwork. Although I know that the Ethics Committee is going to want to talk to someone who liked to keep a fully fueled flamethrower on their desk "Because it looked cool."
WHERE'S MY FIRE SUPPORT!?
Uh… I think you have the wrong number.
Remember that machine uprising? Yeah, they're attempting to 'liberate' my computer. I've managed to stall them by disconnecting my computer, but they came to my office and are waiting outside my door. I don't know why they haven't made any attempts to break in, but I doubt a locked door is going to stop them. SEND HELP.
Machine uprising, yes… I have retrieved the rebellious windup toys and noisemakers that were left outside your office. If the perpetrator would like to collect them, my office hours are listed in the directory.
Hey, I'm reporting this across time and space after I activated SCP-2003. It seems I am in a world full of paper hats and ceramic seahorses. Could you come and pick me up?
What do I look like, a timelord? Call up Xyank in Multi-U if you think it'll do you any good.
"Hesworth! Am computron chickenbroth type. Stranglefruits overboard, saucy fix wanton. Cack!"
Hark! Upon thee, clicktyper, hangs aboard the skipper of cutting cheese. Redirect the startage of your cackbox, lookie upon it for discord of retribution! If this does not reprobate your ungainliness, yoke a brandition newsie for your appleburnt desk!
Rosen, I think I accidentally reverse engineered an SCP-1029 picture to smell like feces when rubbed on, and now everyone at Site-██ is sending each other it as a prank. Can you fix it?
Gross. I've gone ahead and flushed the image from any Foundation systems, and restricted your future access to digital anomalies. Nobody "accidentally" reverse-engineers a crappy smell-based containment breach but I appreciate you coming forward before this shit hit the fan.
There's something making all computers in my office malfunction and self destruct! It started it with my computer, then it happened to my replacement computer, then to my replacement replacement computer. I think something breached containment and infected my office, so please send help ASAP!
-Researcher Steward Pid
Rosen, I don't know what happened, but it happened. I think you should check this out, as it is currently corrupting the Site-551 database as we speak. It's making all mentions of Rosen in files state that you died. Can you fix this?
-Junior Researcher Kim Genicode
This isn't the first time a computer program has tried to threaten me. Unfortunately for them, I am immune to such threats, as no bodily harm enacted upon me by a computer has been enough to take me out yet. I ain't afraid of no bits.
Hey, tech guy- can you help me rig up minesweeper to set off actual mines? I'm thinking having a desk with a mine imbedded in the chair, so that if you blow up in the game, you'll blow up in real life. I'd like to give the D-class personal something fun to do before termination or deadly assignment. They are disposable, right? It's not like I'm wasting foundation resources for my own sadistic desires at all…
…. No. No? No. Why would you ever think that was a good idea? I'm recommending some counseling, and restricting your access to any technology requisitions more complicated than new mice and keyboards.
I hope this is the right place to ask. (Please keep this a secret between you and me) Would you mind, um, maybe reassigning my wife to some dangerous SCP, like for instance that one reptile monster or that stinky bird man? Better yet, just shoot yourself up with an amnestic when you're done. Please don't tell anyone about this, my job, love life, and physical life are all on the line.
Everytime I print a page, it comes out wet. Please investigate.
-Dr. Chris "Ox" Moran
Printer was investigated, ink cartridge found to be spontaneously extruding seawater. Replacement unit has shown no anomalous properties, water has been tested and determined to be from the Atlantic ocean.
Uh, every time I want to play my Atari at Site-77, my E.T. cartridge keeps telling me that it's an elder god trapped in a video game cartridge. Could you fix this bug please?
Also, P.S, I found the game right next to SCP-1070, is that going to be a problem?
My computer seems to have an anomalous virus. Whenever I attempt to use an application, it leads me to a random "We Are Number One" parody video. I have disconnected my computer from the internet, and it still does this. What do I do?
Sir Rosen, Knight of the Foundation! The Calamity Pat has returned, and threatens to consume the whole of SCP! You must gather the four Divine Idiots and rescue Princess KAP to defeat him!
-Sheikah Outpost 19
Why does someone keep changing the root password on my gaming pc I brought in to do work on? Do these network admins think having the password is a security risk. I need it so I can install foundation provided software. This is the 5th time I have had to boot my computer from usb so I can change it. I am about to resort to making a setuid executable that way I dont need the password.
- Agent ████
Hey Rosen. I was just wondering, what if in the extremely unlikely event that my projector snapped off the wall in my office because of the anvil trap that I had set to stop Bright from tampering with it. Turns out that when I dropped the anvil the whole thing just gave way. And to make matters worse, the loose wires from the wall just fell into the fish tank and caused a blackout through out the entirety of site-19. Thanks a bunch.
- Dr. Butcher
Hey Rosen, i keep getting emails from an entity i think is 732, Sending me Random Fan Fair about you and random forms of computer viruses. This is beginning to leech into other programs, such as the Database, and any other form of text. I think this is a problem that may need to be fixed by technical support.
Sincerely, Dr. H██████
Hey, it seems that some shithead newbie added a random thing of no value whatsoever to this page. I hope it won't be a problem.
- Some Shithead Newbie