Life signs detected.
Consciousness signs detected.
Spleen signs detected.
Memetic inoculation ascertained.
Pissed pants ascertained.
Welcome, Overseer.
Please enjoy our complementary range of in-flight snacks while you read this page.
May god have mercy on our butts.
This is the magnificent bastard. Just look at his funny lil crown!
Item #: SCP-001
Object Class: Maksur you get some groceries.
Special Containment Procedures: Information on the relevancy of SCP-001 to the related anomalous objects are to be omitted from the respective objects' documentation.
All information related to SCP-001 is to be treated as a lethal DANIEL/RADCLIFFE class cognitohazard and supplied on a need to know basis. All personnel assigned to SCP-001 are to be amnesticised every three minutes to prevent knowledge of SCP-001's involvement in Foundation affairs being leaked.
SCP-001 is to be kept in a 3x4x2x km aquatic specimen tank in Site 01. He is to be fed live fish, shrimp and crustaceans twice a day, but no disgusting blenny fish thank you very much. If blenny fish are provided, you will be stung.
On no occasion is SCP-001 to be let near a word processor or an XK Class Earth-shattering-kaboom event will occur. The O5 council wishes to prevent this by all means necessary, as they usually have tea at six together and they can't do that if their atoms are split.
Description: SCP-001 is a lame-ass author avatar masquerading as a Synanceia verrucosa. SCP-001 identifies himself as royalty, and as such wears a dainty-ass crown.
SCP-001 is a devious mastermind, and the ghostwriter behind such notable SCP writers as Dr Gears,
AdminBright,
djkaktus,
Roget,
Decibelles,
SunnyClockwork and others. It is speculated that
DrClef works for him, and that Site Administrator
thedeadlymoose is in fact a meat puppet controlled by him. It is estimated that SCP-001 has written up to 85% of the total SCP Wiki and has shaped its direction since giving
Moto42 some friendly advice about Japanese statuary way back in 2006. [DATA REDACTED DUE TO META WANKERY] Recently SCP-001 has decided to write articles under his own name, with mixed results.
He has currently written:
- SCP-2714 - ("Billions of Blue Blistering"), a minor entry in the Sarkic canon. It's about Tintin, because SCP-001 is nerdy and feels the world needs more Tintin. Received mixed reviews.
- SCP-2432 - ("Room Service"), A horror story that uses cliche "ominous broken english", cliche body horror, and cliche pandering to the 18-24 year old bachelors that are the stereotypical site audience. It's about hotel rooms. Received some highly positive reviews, some "this is well written, but not my thing" reviews. Basically mixed.
- SCP-2817 - ("The Carpet King Prosecutes Itself") A simple story about a D-Class and his friendly childhood monster. SCP-001 assures you that there is nothing scary or upsetting in this one. Very good, but not enough people have read it. Researchers guess that this means reviews are mixed.
- SCP-3000-J - ("Kellogg's Foundation Flakes") A -J about cereal. Some people think it's the funniest thing since Stan Laurel and Lenny Bruce fucked, others don't. Reviews are quite mixed.
- SCP-3999 ("I Am At The Center Of Everything That Happens To Me") Researcher Talloran is to write a brief comedic review of SCP-3999 on behalf of SCP-001. SCP-3999 is a highly rated bloated whopper of a skip, deep fried on a bun with pickles. Reviews are mixed. Reviews are —not mixed.
- SCP-2653 - ("Sausages") SCP-001 is a gross leftie who loves him some lunch. Part of Glittering Horizon. Please pass the mixed mustard.
- SCP-3380 - ("Science, Technology, Engineering, Divinity") A story about how devotion is the same everywhere, and how Kurt Gödel genuinely had mental problems. Co-written with
NatVoltaic. Praised for outré surrealism and great dialogue, loathed for prodding neckbeards. E=MixedC2.
- SCP-3520 - ("Fourteen Orangutans") Praised by no less than the great
PeppersGhost for being a total nightmare. This is what happens when you eat a plate of mixed Oreos and then go to sleep.
- SCP-3796 - ("What a Wonderful Unification It Would Be") A disastrous attempt to cross early 60's soul, SCP-3125, and HiveFind. Most hated the technobabble, but at least one person liked it and SCP-001's ego appreciated that SO HARD so reviews are hella mixed, boi.
- The Kephart Arc - An ambitious effort to game the 2018 Jam Con with entries that are chronological on the Series III list. SCP-001 thought he was so clever for doing that, he didn't realize he never brought his A-game to the writing. A story about a corporation that owns the Zodiac Killer, parrotfish slaves, and Hormel Foods. Reviews are so mixed on this one it's not even a joke, they genuinely are so mixed people can't make head or tale of this. (geddit? no? s'fine its not even funny s'just a typo imma go cry now)
- SCP-3373 - ("Our Whole Universe was in a Hot Dense State") SCP-001 went to watch them tape Episode 4 of this shit at CBS and had a bad time. DJ Slimy and Roger are real people. Co-written with
Rimple. Inspired by a podcast recording which never came to fruition. Sorry guys, you deserved better. Bazinga. Stay woke.
- SCP-3672 - ("Why are there so many songs about rainbows?") A skip about character actors who never existed and also Enoch. SCP-001 is very very proud of this one and it might even be his biggest achievement. Rotten Tomatoes has a 60% critic score.
- SCP-2302 - ("The Ditz") In the wake of a momentous event hereafter termed THE BIG OUCH, a great many nasty conservative site members exodused to other communities where the SJWs (Sandwich Juice Walruses) could not yell at them for being naughty to people who deserved basic human rights. One of those guys, name of, oh I dunno let's call him Pon Vincier, deleted the original SCP-2302, which was an SCP-001 favorite article. This is a tribute to that article and a demon he conquered long long ago. Fish Stonepiro DESTROYS unanimous reviews with FACTS and LOGIC and NIGHTMARES.
- SCP-4012 - ("Than Teach Ten Thousand Stars How Not To Dance") To achieve the same results as reading this, go stand in an empty field alone on a clear night, blast some György Ligeti, and stare straight up. This is actually SCP-001's biggest achievement, and his official contribution to the Hall of Fame. Music, video, and poetry dance around the true nature of existence, and an attempt to tie the more out-there cosmic SCPs together. Originally titled David Lynch's Proposal, and was part of an unfinished ARG. Ask your doctor if Cosmic Horror is right for you. Reviews are mixed, however; a disappointing reception for a magnum opus.
- SCP-4930 - ("Lennon/McCartney") Picture yourself singing skips set to music/with memetic Beatles that flow to your eyes/Lucy in the Comments with Downvotes!/Lucy in the Comments with Upvotes!/Lucy in the Comments with Novotes!/Miiiiiiixed!
- SCP-Big egg Big egg funny. Big egg scary. Scrambled egg reviews.
- SCP-4302 - ("Prior Predator") An article about a terrifying murder and the movies and also why time hates the movies. This article is so obscure and confusing even the most vocal fans were like "huh?" More negative than mixed, but still very mixed.
- SCP-4701 - (“Well Yeet Me Mama Like A Wagon Wheel”) An article about yeet. A dying meme indeed, folks. Mixed reviews because apparently Bob Dylan is too boomer or something.
And on the tale side of things:
- Amnestic, a weird ass poem. It ties into
minmin's SCP-2747. Received reviews that could be described by some as mixed.
- Portrait of Two Choreographers, a short romantic character study. This was originally a short SCP, and the letters materialized in a haunted house. People did not like that one, but this version is more liked. So far, it's up from highly negative reviews to quite positive ones. The average review is mixed.
- Wade Williams Distribution Presents, another weird ass poem about
weizhong's SCP-2006. Reviews are good in the same way a mixed drink is good. Mixed.
- Glittering Horizon, an ongoing piece of experimental fiction. It is worked on only when the Muses decide to dance around merrily like little babby crickets. Incorporates both SCP-2653 and Wade Williams Distribution Presents. As both pieces have low views, official science says reviews are mixed.
- The News Tonight: Wednesday April 26th, 2017, a tale in Glittering Horizon. Some people think the ending is rushed. Some people like the worldbuilding. Some people think the reviews are mixed.
- Holy Mackerel An Ur-3999, polished a little as a curio. Written right when SCP-001 joined the site.
- UIU File 2014-014, a GOI about a giant shark, made the UIU finally interesting. Co-written with
- The Undoing, a trailer(???) inspired by China Míeville. Glittering Horizon is alive?
- (The Engine of a Film/The Fine Game of Nil), a forsaken
djkaktus joke made deadly serious so it could survive. Thanks kaktus! The news sections are a loveletter to
faminepulse whose work is adored.
- Grandchildren Frost, a Christmas gift for
MrWrong, based on SCP-2617.
- The William Penn Iteration, a 3999 tale. Knockoff bad Flannery O'Connor, and it's far too overwrought and edgy, but people connected with it and it probably helped the 3999 myth. Positive reviews, except someone insulted gay people in the comments and had to be disciplined, so mixed reviews.
- Excerpt From The Astrolabe Institute Journal, a fake GOI about memory loss and beating up defenseless animals. Very highly rated and some very good writing here. Part of Team Fuhgeddaboutit for the Doomsday Contest, now part of the Ad Astra Per Aspera canon. Mixed reviews for sure, but
WrongJohnSilver was supportive, so uh
- Petrified, a mostly true creepypasta co-written with my mama for Gears Birthday. Mixed reviews by nature of it being a creepypasta.
- asmr by dado, hello yes this is dado owner and operator of fine dado product and also patisserie and birdo rental. dado have many fun time recording of the asmr and he steal karakter from cactus man and become huge live saturday night star sorry cactus man u loose. sequel not in dado contract unless dado agent negotiate with studio boss. dado here to offer u a fine deal on minx revue by dado. real small furry minxes singing and dancing of the ziegfeld folleys. minx revue by dado tickets 4 sale
- The DevourerLand Diaries, a Christmas present for Gaffsey based on SCP-4884. Reviews are nil, which by the laws of math equals mixed.
- xX_DrSwagClef's Proposal, THIS VERY AUTHOR PAGE WOOOOOOOOO I TRICKED YOU (shut up it's not funny - ed.) YES IT IS (no shut up - ed.) ITS REALLY FUCKING FUNNY GUYS BECAUSE IT'S RANDOOOOOM (the people on this site aren't children, they're adults with adult sensibilities - ed.) IM INSECUUUURE (yes you really are - ed.) Reviews were tiredjoke.jpg.
Addendum:
Interviewed: SCP-001
Interviewers: Dr. Mick E. "Maus" Rourke, Dr. Rupert. E. "Grint" Bogosort, Dr. Doorknob E. "Doorknob" Doorknob, Dr. Thisjoke E. "Is" Toolong.
Foreword: What?
<Begin Log, what/what/██??>
Dr. Rourke: What?
SCP-001: What?
Dr. Bogosort: What?
SCP-001: What?
Dr. Bogosort: What?
Dr. Rourke: (to Dr. Bogosort) What?
SCP-001: What?
(Dr. Doorknob does not answer because he is a doorknob.)
Dr. Bogosort: What?
SCP-001: What?
Dr. Rourke: What?
(Dr. Doorknob is still a doorknob.)
Dr. Bogosort: What?
SCP-001: What?
Dr. Rourke: What?
SCP-001: What?
(Dr. Doorknob is silent due to his doorknobbiness.)
SCP-001: What?
SCP-001: What?
SCP-001: What?
(Dr. Doorknob doorknobs.)
Dr. Rourke: What?
(Dr. Rourke and Dr. Bogosort exit the interview room. SCP-001 is escorted back to his tank before he dies from breathing air.)Dr. Doorknob: (Silent for three minutes) Goddamn suckers. I'm the only one who knows what's what around here.
<End Log>
Closing Statement: Dr Rourke and Dr. Bogosort were immediately executed for crimes against the Foundation by ordering mayonnaise on their chocolate cream pie, like heathens with no taste buds. Final words were reportedly "What?"
