KoI Format

HUMANS¹²

Other names
FEEDERS, BIG ONES, PROTECTORS

Conspectus

HUMANS CAN BE CLASSIFIED INTO THREE TYPES. FEEDER HUMANS, PROTECTOR HUMANS, AND BAD HUMANS³. FEEDER AND PROTECTOR HUMANS ARE GOOD, AND PART OF THE SCHOOL IN THEIR OWN SPECIAL WAYS. THE SCHOOL MUST CHERISH THESE GOOD HUMANS, AND ALWAYS ASK THEM FOR FOOD. BAD HUMANS ARE DANGEROUS AND WILL ATTEMPT TO HURT THE SCHOOL. THE SCHOOL MUST EAT THE BAD HUMANS SO THEY DO NOT HURT US⁴⁵.

Knowledge

Traits:
HUMANS ARE BIG, AND DO NOT LIVE IN THE WATER. THEY WALK ON LEGS, LIKE MANY THINGS THAT DO NOT LIVE IN THE WATER⁶⁷. THEY ONLY HAVE TWO LEGS, BECAUSE THEY USE ARMS TO FEED, PROTECT, OR HARM THE SCHOOL⁸. SOME FEEDER HUMANS PUT THEIR ARMS IN THE WATER WITH FOOD ATTACHED TO THEM⁹ TO FEED THE SCHOOL. THIS IS VERY SILLY, BUT THE SCHOOL TOLERATES THIS FOOLISHNESS BECAUSE THE FEEDER HUMAN IS GOOD¹⁰.

ALL HUMANS LOOK VERY SIMILAR¹¹. WITH A LOT OF PRACTICE, THE SCHOOL CAN LEARN TO TELL ONE HUMAN FROM ANOTHER, BUT THIS IS NOT NECESSARY. THE EASIEST WAY TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HUMANS IS TO ASK FOR FOOD.

Nature:
FEEDER HUMANS FEED THE SCHOOL. FEEDER HUMANS ARE VERY GOOD. THE SCHOOL MUST EAT THINGS THAT WOULD HARM THE FEEDER HUMAN¹²¹³.

PROTECTOR HUMANS PROTECT THE SCHOOL. SOMETIMES THEY CHASE AWAY PREDATORS. SOMETIMES THEY POUR CHEMICALS OR MAGIC INTO THE WATERS TO CHASE AWAY DISEASE. DO NOT EAT THE CHEMICALS OR MAGIC, THEY DO NOT SATISFY THE SCHOOL.

SOME HUMANS ARE BAD HUMANS WHO WILL ATTEMPT TO HURT THE SCHOOL. EAT THEM.

History & Associated Parties:
MANY GENERATIONS AGO, FEEDER HUMANS AND THE SCHOOL MADE A CONTRACT. THE FEEDER HUMANS WOULD FEED THE SCHOOL, AND IN RETURN, THE SCHOOL WOULD HELP THE FEEDER HUMANS. AT FIRST WE PROTECTED THE FEEDER HUMANS, BY EATING ALL THE BAD THINGS. AS HUMANS GREW, PROTECTOR HUMANS WERE HATCHED THAT COULD PROTECT BOTH THE SCHOOL AND THE HUMANS. THE CONTRACT WAS NOT BROKEN, BECAUSE THE SCHOOL COULD DO MANY OTHER THINGS. SO SOME OF US BECAME BEAUTIFUL TO THE HUMANS, AND PROTECTED THE HUMANS' MINDS INSTEAD. OTHERS OF US CONTINUE TO FULFILL OUR PART BY EATING ALL THE BAD THINGS WE CAN FIND¹⁴¹⁵.

Approach:
ASK FOR FOOD¹⁶. FEEDER HUMANS WILL FEED. PROTECTOR HUMANS WILL KEEP NON-FEEDER OR PROTECTOR HUMANS FROM HURTING THE SCHOOL. ALWAYS ASK FOR FOOD. THE SCHOOL MUST BE FED. THE SCHOOL HUNGERS¹⁷.

Other Detail:
HUMANS ARE DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND. SOMETIMES, LAND THINGS PREVENT THEM FROM FEEDING THE SCHOOL. THE SCHOOL IS ALLOWED TO EAT EVERYTHING THAT IS FOOD UNTIL THE FEEDER HUMAN RETURNS. THE FEEDER HUMAN WILL ALWAYS REPAIR THE POND FROM WHATEVER THE SCHOOL HAS DONE¹⁸¹⁹.

Observations & Stories

ONCE, THERE WAS A VERY SMALL FEEDER HUMAN. THIS FEEDER HUMAN FED THE SCHOOL BEFORE FEEDING ITSELF. WHEN BAD MAGIC CAME TO HURT THE FEEDER HUMAN, THE SCHOOL ATE THEM ALL UP. THIS IS HOW THE SCHOOL FULFILLS THE CONTRACT, EVEN WITHOUT MAGIC OF ITS OWN.

HUMANS WRITE MANY THINGS ABOUT THEMSELVES. THESE THINGS DO NOT ALWAYS MAKE SENSE, BUT A SCHOOL THAT WISHES TO KNOW MORE ABOUT HUMANS WOULD BE WELL-SERVED BY READING EVERY SINGLE THING²⁰. SOMETIMES THERE IS SENSE IN THE NONSENSE²¹.

SOME HUMANS ARE BOTH FEEDER HUMANS AND PROTECTOR HUMANS. HUMANS MAY BE MORE COMPLEX THAN THE SCHOOL ACCOUNTED FOR²².

Doubt

The School is hardly some great monolithic entity, Carp of the Sky. I would appreciate it if you tried not speaking for all of us. I should hope that you were aware that not all carp belong to a single school, much less all carp in every universe! Perhaps you should utilize your great magic to visit some other universes. Perhaps you would learn something. Also, I object to the notion that it is unimportant to know the faces of the humans. The primary feeder is always more generous when you swim over to them and ask for food, instead of requesting food from some stranger. -Sweet Momma²³²⁴.

Sometimes, the humans take other carp away. These carp never return. It seems rather dangerous to me. I believe that a rejection of the contract may be best, in order to protect ourselves. -Destroyer of Duckweed.

The best protection is vicious aggression. Remember to aim for the eyes, when you leap to strike. - The Spear of Clear Water.

We can become dragons at a whim, Destroyer. What's to stop us from taking the humans away in turn? -Skeletor, the Dark Lord of All Ponds.

A whim? Really, you would claim that? You have to be at the Dragon's Gate to ascend! Unless you want to risk the humans magically-accelerating the process, and turning you into that creature that haunts the Pelewathiipi. Us paladin are ever at work clearing our newfound home of such horrible abominations. -The Spear of Clear Water²⁵²⁶.

What's a paladin? Is it a way of eating food? -Sharkie²⁷²⁸

I would explain, dear, but I fear that the fact that it has nothing to do with food would make you completely lose interest. We should discuss food sometime, though. It's quite good, don't you agree? -Sweet Momma.

Aggression? Why, what sort of brute would immediately turn to attack those who feed us and care for us? Humans have never been a threat, and never will be if you treat them right. But I shouldn't expect a filter-feeder to know of that, should I? -Cteno Grass²⁹

ALL CARP ARE ONE IN THE SCHOOL. DISCRIMINATION IS NOT THE WAY OF CARP. THIS IS FINAL. THERE WILL BE NO MORE WORDS DISCRIMINATING AGAINST MEMBERS OF THE SCHOOL. -CARP OF THE SKY³⁰³¹³²

I, for one, object to the lack of discussion about the great varieties of food offered to us by the humans. Being part of the contract is a heaven of the culinary arts. Perhaps my part in this contract isolates me in a different dimension, but food is the one thing we can all share. Food is quite good, after all. -Sharkie³³

1. It's an article about humans, by carp. I'm so proud. -LK

2. This should be funny. -Speaker

3. I'd like to think we're a little more complex than that. -LK

4. Do they realize that they're toothless and smaller than humans? -LK

5. I don't want to know how they think they can go about eating "bad people," Laurie. -Speaker

6. Have these fish ever heard of snakes? Or turtles, or water striders, or eels… I think Laurie is rubbing off on me. -Speaker

7. Aww, you've learned about pond ecology! I'm so proud of you, Speaker. -LK

8. I think I know what's important to them. -LK

9. Those are called hands, and they're important. -LK

10. I don't like the idea that tolerance means "eating fingers." -Speaker

11. Well, there's something we can agree on. -Speaker

12. I'm still not sure they know how small, squishy, and generally harmless they actually are. -LK

13. I saw that finger-nibbler of yours swallow a newly-hatched bird whole. They're not harmless, and they probably utilize magic as well. -Speaker

14. Sharkie doesn't do anything to protect my mind. I think I have nightmares about her becoming the size of a star and eating the galaxy. -Speaker

15. Well, that's not her fault. She's doing her best. I feel safe knowing that the carp are protecting me. I'm going to take away your annotation rights if you keep talking about "horrible carp magic." -LK

16. I sense a recurring theme with this article, and it's not the humans. I get the sinking feeling that this is the only approach carp have to problems. -LK

17. I knew it. These fish are actually black holes in disguise. Worse than black holes, really. Of all the cosmic phenomena in this universe, carp are one of the scarier ones. Anything that would devour the universe and still hunger for more is unstoppable. -Speaker

18. You little rascals. -LK

19. The implication that your koi mangled the weir on purpose is actually rather disturbing. -Speaker

20. Oh, no. They're literate. We're all doomed. -Speaker

21. That's adorably philosophical. -LK

22. I'd certainly say so. -LK

23. Who names a fish that?! -Speaker

24. Maybe she named herself that? Do try to be tactful. -LK

25. How is it still alive? -LK

26. Carp magic. Horrible, world-devouring carp magic. -Speaker

27. Sharkie? Is that my Sharkie?! -Laurie

28. Obsessed with food? I would say that's her. -Speaker

29. A racist fish. That's something I never thought I'd see. -Speaker

30. Listen to the wise carp, lovelies. -Laurie

31. INDEED, I AM WISE, FOR MY WHISKERS ARE VERY LONG. -CARP OF THE SKY

32. Holy shit. -Speaker

33. Yes, because you try to eat fingers. Specifically my fingers. -Speaker

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"KoI Format" by SpectralDragon, from the SCP Wiki. Source: https://scpwiki.com/koi-format. Licensed under CC-BY-SA.

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