Joey Fucknuts Steals The Declaration of Independence
rating: +44+x

Two men stood guarding the Declaration of Independence at the White House in Washington D.C. They had one goal and one goal only: don't let anyone steal it. Ever.

"Man," said one of the guards, "have I ever told you how much I fucking love being a security guard?"

The other guard looked at him with a skeptical glance. "Uh, yeah?"

The excited guard continued to rant. "I mean, this is the best fucking job ever. You get the night shift, which means you don't have to talk to anyone, and you get paid triple for it. You get to be right next to the Declaration of Independence, for crying out loud. And, finally, if anyone tries to steal it, I get to—"

His head suddenly exploded, sending the guard aback in terror. From the shadows, Joey Fucknuts stepped out, holding a shotgun held together by wire and duct tape.

"Finally," he said in a raspy, skeleton-like voice, "I will get the Declaration of Independence. Finally, I will unlock the secrets to space travel, so I can finally eat the moon. Do you want to try to stop me?" He shoved his shotgun in the remaining security guard's face.

However, the guard suddenly did a backflip, kicking the shotgun out of Joey's hands. Before he could process what was happening, the guard ripped off his mask, revealing he was none other than Dr. Everett Mann.

"Hah!" yelled Mann, "Your reign of terror ends now! I'll finally get revenge for what you did to my best friend, Mr. Bear!"

"Mr. Bear? I bet he'd be disappointed in you, Mann" said Joey as he reached into his ribcage and pulled out a second shotgun, identical to the first. "This will be our final showdown, Mann."

"Our?" said Mann, still in his bravado-filled voice of an ideal man. "We both know, Joey, that I never fight without backup."

Suddenly, the ceiling exploded, and several men in full body armor descended down on ropes. As one yelled "freeze!", they took out assault rifles and pointed them all at the walking corpse. Joey dropped his gun and held his hands up. One of the agents took off his helmet, revealing that he was Espionage Agent North.

"Looks like we've got you surrounded, you skeleton-looking motherfucker," said North, "come in with your hands up and I'll try to guarantee we won't put you in the cell next to the box that doesn't stop screaming."

"Looks like we meet again, North" rasps Joey, with the closest possible equivalent to a shit-eating grin on his face. "You don't have to keep up the act."

North, along with the rest of the Mobile Task Force, took off their body armor, revealing wizard's robes underneath. They put down their assault rifles and took out magic wands. Now it was Mann who had his hands up.

"The Mages Academy?" exclaimed Mann with surprise. "Wait, who are you guys again?"

"We're a highly secretive school of magicians," replied Head Wizard North, "training other magicians in the use of magic."

"So you're basically Hogwarts?"

"No, no, no. We're not Hogwarts."

"Are you sure?" Mann seemed confused. "I mean, that old fuck over there looks like Dumbledore."

"Enough from you!" yelled North. "And as for you, Fucknuts. If you really thought we were on your side… you were mistaken."

One of the wizards shot an Expelliarmus a disarming spell at Joey, who had picked up his shotgun, sending it out the window.

"I thought we had a deal," Joey complained.

"We're here to take the Declaration for ourselves," the Head Wizard boasted, "so we can finally make a Polyjuice potion a Transformation potion to transform me into Jon Hancock. Then, we can finally finish our wax statue."

"That's the most evil thing I've ever heard," Joey commented.

"Well, I guess you've won, old sport," mused Dr. Mann, "but, might I comment, your outfits seems a bit…. flashy."

Mann threw a flashbang, blinding the entire room. Once the flashbang wore off, all of the magicians were trapped in special Scranton nets, designed to prevent magic. Joey stood holding a third shotgun, which was actually a net-firing gun all along. He gave Mann a fistbump.

"You think we didn't expect this ambush all along?" said Joey to the trapped magicians. "We're gonna split the Declaration 50/50."

"Wait, what's going on, weren't you…" started North, before realizing a more pressing issue. "You think we were here to steal it?"

"Actually, yes" replied Mann, "that's what you told us."

"In reality," muttered North, "we weren't just going to steal it. We were… protecting it."

A blinding burst of light, even more blinding than the flashbang, filled the room. Tim Allen, finally able to get past the Academy's protection rituals, punched Mann in the face, immediately redmisting his entire head and sending him to the ground.

"None of you will take it," said Allen in a godlike, echoing voice. "I'll be leaving with it, in order to prove that The Shaggy Dog really was the best movie of all—"

Before he could finish, the echo of a deep "Not so fast!" emanated through the room. A heavenly light came from behind the constitution, and George Washington himself walked straight from the Declaration. With a single Infinite Mass Punch, he sent Tim Allen to the other side of the universe. After the sound barrier had recovered from this, he turned to Joey Fucknuts.

"You are the only one worthy of holding this great nation's founding document," boomed George. "Take it, and do what you will, brave citizen."

Joey gave a whoop of excitement. "Finally!" he yelled as he ripped the Declaration from its pedestal. "I'm going to the moon!" He ran out the Tim Allen-shaped hole in the wall and into the nearby forest.

"Heh, sucker," muttered Researcher Calvin, taking off his Washington wig, which he had hidden the real Declaration of Independence in. Before he could walk off into the Calvinmobile, he heard the unlatching of a pistol safety from behind him.

Dr. Mann removed the remains of the fake head from his neck as he brandished the pistol, which he had had the whole time.

"Woah, man!" said Calvin, "aren't we on the same side? We're both from the SCP Foundation, remember?"

"Wait," said Mann, "yeah, we are. Are we?"

"Are you sure?" said North, still trapped in the net. "Well, first, Joey walked into the room, and killed a security guard, but you were the security guard, but with a mask…"

"Yeah, and then you wizard guys came down from the ceiling—"

"But we were originally the task force, don't forget that."

"Of course, of course. and then Tim Allen showed up, but then you… Yeah, I guess we're on the same side."

"Alright then," said Calvin, "let's go back to the Site and— fuck!"

"What's wrong?" asked Mann.

"This is the fake Declaration! That means that I gave him—"

Looking out the window, the duo saw Joey Fucknuts riding in a rocketship, made from nothing but a couple of spare logs and the cash stacks from Joey's extremely successful rapping career.

"We need to go after him!" yelled Mann.

"But how?" replied Calvin.

"I know a guy. Hey, Nicholas Cage, you wanna help us?"

Nicholas Cage came out of the abyss, where he was lying in wait. "Of course, my friend."

Nicholas Cage transformed into his true form: the lost Challenger space shuttle. Climbing in, Calvin and Mann prepared for the chase of their life: to stop Joey from stealing the moon.

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