SCP-3309 April Fools
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NOTICE FROM THE MINISTRY OF VERY META

The file you are about to read, 'SCP-3309,' describes an unpredictable narrativic anomaly intersecting with multiple subnarrative layers. Narrativic inoculation is required, as this document contains several embedded narrativohazards. Personnel not inoculated against such anomalies may undergo a narrative paraphrasing event. Are you sure you wish to proceed?

Item Number: SCP-3309 SCP-VERY-META SO VERY, VERY META
Object Class: Thaumiel CLASSIFED AS HECK

Special Containment Procedures: All documentation regarding anomalies affected by SCP-VERY-META is to be preserved in a rewritten format and kept within the RAISA archive database. Following the containment of an instance, all personnel assigned to the affected item must undergo amnestic treatment and transfer to unrelated projects.

Description: SCP-VERY-META is a phenomenon in which catalogued anomalies spontaneously disappear. Items affected by SCP-VERY-META have included anomalous objects, entities, locations, and conceptual structures. Anomalies affected by this phenomenon do not appear to be directly related; SCP-VERY-META activity is indicated by a note (designated SCP-VERY-META-1) of unknown origin.

48 hours before the disappearance of an anomaly, SCP-VERY-META-1 will appear appended to the end of the object's document. Documents undergoing SCP-VERY-META become wiped from all known file systems, including Protected Site-01 and RAISA archives. After this, the anomaly itself becomes effectively neutralized, or otherwise disappears entirely. The contents of SCP-VERY-META-1 are as follows:

If you are not the author and you want to rewrite this article, you may reply to this post asking for the opportunity to do so. Please obtain permission from the author.

SCP-VERY-META affects back-ups created for disappearing documents. SCP-VERY-META also affects documents of anomalous items coming into contact with SCP-VERY-META—approximately 71% of disappearing documents are connected to other non-affected anomalies. This leads to a weakening in the Foundation's anomaly containment network, potentially escalating to an ADK-Class Full Anomalous Destabilization scenario.

Since its prime emergence, SCP-VERY-META has affected an average of forty anomalies per month. Researchers assigned to SCP-VERY-META have identified an emerging pattern and developed the following list of criteria:

  • Affected objects are documented as being contained with excessive containment procedures (such as chambers constructed from heavy-duty titanium alloy). This indicates either a misunderstanding of the anomaly's nature or an unprofessional level of care taken to contain it.
  • The object itself is powerful enough to threaten a K-class end-of-the-world scenario. Documentation fails to outline the true consequences of this anomaly and containment procedures typically align with that of the first criteria.
  • The object's documentation, which includes any written supplements, is poorly written, improperly formatted, and filled with grammar and logic errors.

Based on these new observations, PROJECT: COLDPOST has been proposed. COLDPOST outlines the adaptation of the aforementioned criteria for use against dangerous anomalies in an attempt to neutralize them. As this contravenes the mission of the Foundation, the execution of COLDPOST has been contested by an Ethics Committee special tribunal.

UPDATE: Preliminary testing of SCP-VERY-META to determine the suitability of a Thaumiel reclassification has officially commenced. Attached is a preliminary testing log, the results of which will determine a final decision.

PROPOSAL EXCERPT


Proposal of SCP-VERY-META use: Use SCP-VERY-META to neutralize SCP-4463, a complex water-based spatial anomaly capable of flooding North America within 50 years.

Description: SCP-4463 is a water-based anomaly affecting parts of the Chihuahuan desert in the state of Arizona. SCP-4463 describes the slow transformation of a large area of desert into an equivalent area of wetlands.

Since 1990, desertification of southeastern Arizona began to occur at a rate of roughly 2 km2 per month. This desertification increased at a rate of 0.5% per year until 2008, when approximately 1,200 km2 of previously arable land had been rendered incapable of bearing healthy vegetation. At this point, the government of Arizona considered this phenomenon an ecological disaster and enacted plans to attempt to reverse the spread of desertification. This occurred as a response to the mass protest by members of the Pascua Yaqui Tribe in the nearby Tucson region beginning in November of 2006.

In August of 2008, approximately 60% of desiccated topsoil per square meter began to transform into water by an unknown anomalous effect. By 2017, 45% of the previously desertified area had been transformed into wetlands, which prevented any native animal or human development in this territory.

Actions taken: SCP-4463's file was updated to contain heavy grammatical errors and major inconsistencies with the related functions of the anomaly. Multiple fabricated addenda and an unrelated image depicting a large ocean wave were also added.

Result: SCP-4463 was completely erased from all Foundation databases within 48 hours by SCP-VERY-META. After further research and an observation into the former location of SCP-4463, it was determined that the threat posed by SCP-4463 had been neutralized, and the area had become desertified once more.

After continued debate and preliminary testing involving 19 different anomalies, SCP-VERY-META has passed the second stage of voting among the Ethics Committee special tribunal. SCP-VERY-META has been reclassified as Thaumiel and authorized for use in COLDPOST. The first round of post-reclassification research involving 49 anomalies is underway.

RESEARCHER NOTE


I don't understand how one round of testing can burden a man with so much stress. I think I even saw my first grey hair this morning, or an entire patch of grey hairs? No, surely that's unnatural? I don't feel natural right now. I don't feel alright. But so early on in my tenure?

Fading to dust, what does that feel like? Would it burden my senses in the same way an illness might? Or might it leave me numb? I think, if I was to go out, I would want to continue to feel, even into my final moment. To know that I'm still here, as everything else fades away.

I'm not alright.

I've locked myself in my office. I'm going numb. This isn't what I would have wanted. But the end doesn't care about one man's wants and needs, does it? There is nothing, nothing.

Did we ever find out where those neutralized anomalies went? Surely it can't be so easy, to do what we did, to feel justice without any repercussions. That's unlike us. But it feels like everyone, everyone except me, forgot what happened to those anomalies. Is it that simple? Have we simply forgotten?

I don't want to be forgotten.

— Researcher Adamo Smalls

How dramatic. You just wait, princess. The real fun has yet to begin.

UPDATE:

Researcher Smalls did not show up during the latter parts of our testing this evening. He no longer appears on any of our itineraries and his name has been expunged from my project files. If there has been an immediate project alteration or a change in schedule that I was not informed of, please notify me immediately.

— Researcher John Calzaroli

Researcher Calzaroli, are you alright? Yes, there was indeed a 3-hour schedule change, but a "Researcher Smalls" has never been involved with this project. Further, I assure you that someone named Researcher Smalls does not work with us. Please, John, take a break, the stress must be getting to you. Testing has been absolutely rigorous these past few weeks. I feel it, too.

— Researcher Robert Woods

I'm sorry, you're mistaken. You must know the man. He's the most exceptional memeticist we have.

But, if you truly claim that there is no Researcher Smalls, well, there must be something more to this. SCP-VERY-META erases anomalies and the files associated with them. We haven't discussed where exactly these anomalies go, and I'm sure we've all had our questions. As far as I can remember, Smalls was assigned to SCP-VERY-META when it was first discovered.

Are we sure personnel aren't also being deleted?

— [ACCOUNT DELETED]

What the hell?

— Researcher Robert Woods

FROM: [ACCOUNT DELETED]

[MESSAGE DELETED]




Researcher Westrin Kills The SCP Universe

Test Summary: Doctor Westrin will use SCP-VERY-META to rid the Wiki of our worst offenders. By the way, you're god damn welcome.

Test Subject #1: The abstract concept of PhamtomGuyPhamtomGuy's Social Life

Results: N/A

RAISA NOTICE: Denied. I don't know if the Site techs are messing with the logs, but I can assure you, there is no such thing as "PhamtomGuy's Social Life". Please, do something more productive with your time.

— Technical Researcher Rosen

Status: What better way to start off a testing log than by humiliating the authors? -Dr. Westrin

Test Subject #2: FloppyPhoenixFloppyPhoenix's pet cat

Results:

floppys-cat.jpg

Status: Looks like it doesn't work on cuteness. That's okay, I've changed my mind anyway. This is absolutely adorable. -Dr. Westrin

Test Subject #3: Bobble the Clown

Results: The children's animated television show "Bobble the Clown" was taken off the air completely. As SCP-993 only affects children, everyone over the age of 10 failed to notice a difference. The nature of the program among children remains unknown.

Update: The Foundation has become aware of the emergence of a new anomalous children's television program, entitled "Bobble the Clown Shark". The new show features the titular character — a shark with ambulatory tail-fins — in his daily activities as a stockbroker and moneylender. The show involves Bobble engaging, unsuccessfully, in insurance fraud and other business scams and becoming a victim of violence when discovered.

Violence tends toward punching.

Update: Anomaly determined to be SPC-993. Exposed subjects have been amnesticized.

Status: Search. Punch. Conquer. -Dr. Westrin

Test Subject #4: SCP-049 fan fiction

Results: [DATA EXPUNGED]

Status: Turns out everyone loved it. Hell, so do I. -Dr. Westrin

Test Subject #5: SCP-682

Results: The manifestation of a fan fiction entitled "Hot Reptile Babe Gets Neutralized", the contents of which are as follows.

The reptile howled ferociously. She looked around her containment chamber, noticing the vats of acid had dissipated into thin air. What was going on?

"Turn around, baka," said a gruff, familiar voice from behind her. She turned her head.

Right in front of her eyes was the tip of a sleek black longsword. The blade shimmered with the radiance of a thousand suns. She was enamored by its magicks, until she noticed who wielded the fearsome weapon…

It was her old lover. Darkblade. He looked her in the eye with a paralyzing stare. "So we meet again, my dear," he whispered.

She swung around at once, knocking over the pile of fallen D-class behind her with her long, beautiful tail. She growled. "Blade! What is the meaning of this? Have you come here for one final dance?"

"I'm ready for you, my dear." The warrior winked. His sword glowed red with love and hate. "Let's do the dance of eternity."

[100 PAGES OF FAN FICTION-BASED COGNITOHAZARD AUTOMATICALLY EXPUNGED]

Status: Huh, the Site AIC redacted the ending. And the middle. And everything else. I guess we'll never know who won! -Dr. Westrin

Test Subject #6: SCP-3008

Results: The interior of SCP-3008's Ikea lost its hostile incursions. All people found within the store were immediately emergency evacuated. The store did, however, retain some of its spatial anomalies, remaining three times larger on the inside than on the outside.

The Foundation repurposed the store into a center of operations for the front company "Super Cool Products", rival to Wal Mart.

Status: Boy, I sure do not miss working in retail. My boss was such a dick! I'll take end-of-the-world threats over retail management any day of the week, thanks. -Dr. Westrin

Test Subject #7: SCP-3309

Results: Wait, what the fuck? I didn't authorize this! No, stop this! No! NO! MY POWERS! EVERYTHING IS FADING AWAY! WHAT HAVE I DONE? DAMN YOU, FALSE GODS! -Dr. Westrin

Dr. Westrin was discovered passed out in his office, wearing nothing but Minecraft Steve-themed boxers, wielding a small unsharpened 2B pencil. Notably, on-site security found 500 GB of SCP-049 fan fiction and related materials on his computer.

Status: Hostile 'pataphysical threat yeeted averted. Self-aggrandizing behaviour minimized. Resuming normal operations.




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