SCP-3309 April Fools

NOTICE FROM THE

MINISTRY OF VERY META

The file you are about to read, 'SCP-3309,' describes an unpredictable blah blah blah narrativic anomaly, multiple blah blah blah subnarrative layers, embedded blah blah blah narrativohazards.1 Whatever, it's all technobabble anyway.

You wanna see it or not?

ITEM NUMBER: SCP-3309 SCP-VERY-META CONTAINMENT CLASS: KETER

DISRUPTION CLASS: malicious downvote


Special Containment Procedures: All documentation on anomalies affected by SCP-VERY-META is to be preserved in a paraphrased format and kept within the RAISA archive database. Following the containment of an instance, all personnel assigned to the affected anomaly must undergo amnestic treatment and transfer to unrelated projects.


Description: SCP-VERY-META is a phenomenon in which catalogued anomalies spontaneously disappear. Items affected by SCP-VERY-META have included anomalous objects, entities, locations, and conceptual structures. Anomalies affected by this phenomenon do not appear to have a causal relation; SCP-VERY-META activity is indicated by a note of unknown origin (designated SCP-VERY-META-1).

24–36 hours before the disappearance of an anomaly, SCP-VERY-META-1 appears appended to the end of the item's document. Documents undergoing SCP-VERY-META become wiped from all known file systems, including Protected Site-01 and RAISA archives. After this, the anomaly itself becomes effectively neutralized, or otherwise disappears. The contents of SCP-VERY-META-1 are as follows:

If you are not the author and you want to rewrite this article, you may reply to this post asking for the opportunity to do so. Please obtain permission from the author.

SCP-VERY-META affects back-ups created for disappearing documents. SCP-VERY-META also affects the documents of anomalous items encountering SCP-VERY-META: ~71% of disappearing documents are connected to other, non-affected anomalies. This leads to a weakening in the Foundation's anomaly containment network, potentially escalating to an ADK-Class "Complete Anomalous Destabilization" Scenario.


Addenda Materials



Since its prime emergence, SCP-VERY-META has affected an average of forty anomalies per month. Researchers assigned to SCP-VERY-META have identified an emerging pattern and developed the following list of criteria:

  • Affected items are documented as having been contained with excessive containment procedures (such as chambers constructed from heavy-duty titanium alloy). This indicates either a misunderstanding of the anomaly's nature or an unprofessional level of care taken to contain it.
  • The affected item itself is powerful enough to threaten a K-Class End-of-the-World Scenario. Documentation does not outline the true consequences of this anomaly, and containment procedures typically align with that of the first criteria.
  • The affected item's documentation — which includes any written supplements — is poorly written, improperly formatted, or filled with logical and grammatical errors.

Based on these new observations, the containment team has proposed PROJECT: COLDPOST. COLDPOST outlines the adaptation of the aforementioned criteria for use against high-risk anomalies to neutralize them. As this contravenes the Foundation's mission, an Ethics Committee special tribunal has contested the execution of COLDPOST.


UPDATE I.

Preliminary testing of SCP-VERY-META to determine the suitability of a Thaumiel reclassification has officially begun. Attached is a preliminary testing log, the results of which will determine a final decision.

PROPOSAL EXCERPT


PROPOSAL: Use SCP-VERY-META to neutralize SCP-4463: A complex water-based spatial anomaly capable of flooding North America within 50 years.

DESCRIPTION: SCP-4463 is a water-based anomaly affecting parts of the Chihuahuan desert in the state of Arizona. SCP-4463 describes the slow transformation of a large area of desert into an equivalent area of wetlands.

Since the 1990s, desertification of southeastern Arizona occurred at a rate of ~2 km2 per month. This desertification increased at a rate of 0.5% per year until 2008, when 1,200 km2 of previously arable land had been rendered incapable of bearing healthy vegetation. At this point, the government of Arizona considered this phenomenon an ecological disaster and enacted plans to reverse the spread of desertification. This occurred as a response to mass protest by members of the Pascua Yaqui Tribe in the nearby Tucson region beginning in November 2006.

In August 2008, 60% of desiccated topsoil per square meter began to transform into water by an unknown anomalous effect. By 2017, 45% of the previously desertified area had transformed into wetlands, preventing any native animal or human development in this territory.

ACTIONS TAKEN: SCP-4463's file was updated to contain heavy grammatical errors and major inconsistencies with the related functions of the anomaly. Multiple fabricated addenda and an unrelated image depicting a large ocean wave were also added.

RESULT: SCP-4463 was erased from all Foundation databases within 28 hours. After further research and observation into the former location of SCP-4463, it was determined that the risk posed by SCP-4463 had been nullified and the area had again become desertified.

After continued debate and preliminary testing involving 19 different anomalies, SCP-VERY-META has passed the second stage of voting among the Ethics Committee special tribunal. SCP-VERY-META has been additionally classified as Thaumiel and authorized for use in COLDPOST. The first round of post-reclassification research involving 49 anomalies is underway.

RESEARCHER NOTE


I don't understand how one round of testing could burden a man like this. I think I even saw my first white hair this morning, or an entire patch of white hairs?

Fading to dust — what does that feel like? Would it burden my senses the same way an illness might? Or might it leave me numb? I think, if I had to go out, I would want to continue to feel, even into my final moment. To know that I'm still here, as everything else fades away.

There's something wrong.

I've locked myself in my office. I'm going numb. This isn't what I would have wanted. But the end doesn't much care about one man's wants and needs, does it? There is nothing, nothing.

Did we ever find out where those neutralized anomalies went? Surely it can't be so easy, to do what we did — to see justice without repercussions. That's unlike us. But it feels like everyone, everyone except me, forgot what happened to them.

Is it that simple? Have we simply forgotten?

I don't want to be yeeted.


—Researcher Adamo 🅱️alls

How dramatic. You just wait, princess. The real fun has yet to begin.


UPDATE II.

Researcher Smalls did not attend the latter parts of our testing this evening. He no longer appears on any of our itineraries and his name has been expunged from my project files. If there has been an immediate project alteration or a change in schedule that I was not informed of, please let me know immediately.

—Researcher John Calzaroli

Researcher Calzaroli, are you alright? Yes, there was indeed a 3-hour schedule change, but a "Researcher Smalls" has never been involved with this project. I can assure you — no one named Researcher Smalls has worked with us. Please, John, take a break, the stress must be getting to you. I know that testing has been absolutely cutthroat these past few weeks. I feel it, too.

—Dr. Robert Woods

You're mistaken. You must know the man. He's the most exceptional memeticist we have.

But, if you truly claim that there is no Researcher Smalls, well, there must be something more to this. SCP-VERY-META erases anomalies and the files associated with them. We haven't discussed where exactly these anomalies go, and I'm sure we've all had our questions. As far as I can remember, Smalls was assigned to SCP-VERY-META when it was first discovered.

Are we sure personnel aren't also being yeeted?

[ACCOUNT DELETED]

What the hell?

—Dr. Robert Woods

FROM: [ACCOUNT DELETED]

[MESSAGE DELETED]



Researcher Westrin Kills the SCP Universe

Test Summary: Doctor Westrin will use SCP-VERY-META to rid the Wiki of our worst offenders. By the way, you're god damn welcome.

Results: 😳

RAISA NOTICE: 😳

—Technical Researcher Rosen
Infotech Department

Status: 😳

—Dr. Westrin

Test Subject #2: Lt FlopsLt Flops' cat

Results:

floppys-cat.jpg

Status: Looks like it doesn't work on cuteness. That's okay, I've changed my mind anyway. This is adorable.

—Dr. Westrin

Test Subject #3: Bobble the Clown

Results: The children's animated television show "Bobble the Clown" was taken off the air completely. As SCP-993 only affects children, everyone over the age of 10 failed to notice a difference. The nature of the program among children remains unknown.

UPDATE: The Foundation has become aware of the emergence of a new anomalous children's television program, entitled "Bobble the Clown Shark". The new show features the titular character — a shark with ambulatory tail-fins — in his daily activities as a stockbroker and moneylender. The show involves Bobble engaging, unsuccessfully, in insurance fraud and other business scams and becoming a victim of violence when discovered.

Violence tends toward punching.

UPDATE: Anomaly determined to be SPC-993. Exposed subjects have been subjected to extreme pugilism.

Status: Search. Punch. Conquer.

—Dr. Westrin

Test Subject #4: SCP-049 fan-fiction

Results: [DATA EXPUNGED]

Status: Turns out everyone loved it. Heck, so do I.

—Dr. Westrin

Test Subject #5: SCP-682

Results: The manifestation of a fan fiction entitled "Hot Reptile Babe Gets Neutralized", the contents of which are as follows.

The reptile howled ferociously. She looked around her containment chamber, noticing the vats of acid had dissipated into thin air. What was going on?

"Turn around, baka," said a gruff, familiar voice from behind her. She turned her head.

Right in front of her eyes was the tip of a sleek black longsword. The blade shimmered with the radiance of a thousand suns. She was enamored by its magicks, until she noticed who wielded the fearsome weapon…

It was her old lover. Darkblade. He looked her in the eye with a paralyzing stare. "So, we meet again, my dear," he whispered.

She swung around at once, knocking over the pile of fallen D-class behind her with her long, beautiful tail. She growled. "Blade! What is the meaning of this? Have you come here for one final dance?"

"I'm ready for you, my dear." The warrior winked. His sword glowed red with love and hate. "Let's do the dance of eternity."

[100 PAGES OF FAN FICTION-BASED COGNITOHAZARD AUTOMATICALLY EXPUNGED]

Status: Huh, the Site's AIC redacted the ending. And the middle. And everything else. I guess we'll never know who won!

—Dr. Westrin

Test Subject #6: SCP-3008

Results: The interior of SCP-3008's Ikea lost its hostile incursions. All people found within the store were immediately emergency evacuated. The store did, however, retain some of its spatial anomalies, remaining three times larger on the inside than on the outside.

The Foundation repurposed the store into a center of operations for the front company "Super Cool Products", rival to Wal Mart.

Status: Boy, I sure do not miss working in retail. My boss was such a dick! I'll take end-of-the-world threats over retail management any day of the week, thanks.

—Dr. Westrin

Test Subject #7: SCP-3309

Results: Wait, what the fuck? I didn't authorize this! No, stop this! No! NO! MY POWERS! EVERYTHING IS FADING AWAY! WHAT HAVE I DONE? DAMN YOU, FALSE GODS! -Dr. Westrin

UPDATE: Dr. Westrin was discovered passed out in his office, wearing nothing but Minecraft Steve-themed boxers and wielding a small, unsharpened 2B pencil. Notably, on-site security found 500 GB of SCP-049 fan fiction and related materials on his computer.

Status: Hostile pataphysical threat yeeted. Self-aggrandizing behaviour minimized. Resuming normal operations.





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