A scale model of CONE-Profiteroles-3939

Threat Entity Database Entry

Threat ID:

CONE-Profiteroles-3939 "Big Fuckin' Cone"

Authorized Response Level:

5 (Immediate Response)


A massive tower of pastry delight and succulent sweets. It is approximately 13,000 profiteroles tall, and had demonstrated incredibly hostile behavior toward the health of all those who consume it1.

Liquidation/Rules of Engagement:

All GOCone members who are to report to the location of CONE-Profiteroles-3939 who have any desire for a sugary snack at 2pm sharp. At this point all present personnel shall devour the threat, one profiterole at a time. All persons must be allowed a single profiterole before any individual is allowed a second. This is to maintain a fair distribution of the battle, as well as decrease casualties. No portion of the threat is to be left undigested. Any personnel smuggling parts of CONE-Profiteroles-3939 to a refrigerating unit will be shot.


Quartermasters Division-AOD
Item Designation Title Qty
1 1522 GOC Privates 341
Notes: All privates must resume regular calisthenics training to reconcile the pounds gained during engagement.

PSYCHE Records

Parathreat Investigation

Special Observer:
"The Guy Who Brings Pastries"

A massive, delicious cone of edibles has manifested in the GOC Headquarters courtyard.

Parathreat Evidence:
This thing is like 15 million calories. It might not be much para, but that's one hell of a threat to my diet if you ask me.

Suggested Response/Requests:
Just you have it. Or someone else eat it. You know, I'm gonna just put in on this bench and someone will probably deal with it for me, right? We have those interns, they like free stuff. Yeah. Give it to the interns who still have their metabolism going.

Lucky bastards.

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