" Mulvis hexagonum", working title

Summary:

Its about sentient kites.

" Mulvis hexagonum", working title

AlleraRey 30 Dec 2018 02:28

Here it is,

http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/allerarey-kite

What do you think?

Re: " Mulvis hexagonum", working title

Zyn 30 Dec 2018 03:04

Okay, took a look at this.

First off, is there a reason you're using the old image block coding? It looks kind of sloppy the way the images are set up, and you still have the ^^ mark around the image caption for the last image.

Throughout the article, you have a lot of overly casual phrasing. Pretty much the entirety of the containment needs to be rewritten, to address colloquial phrasing, general grammar issues, and basic containment logistics. Thus:

All spotted wild SCP-XXXX instances must be immediately captured and contained within the specially designed contained chamber for said species.

Due to their fragility and rarity, caution must be exercised in capturing instances of SCP-XXXX as not to damage or kill it.

All SCP-XXXX instances discovered outside of containment are to be immediately captured and subsequently transferred to Aviary-## at Site-##. Caution must be exercised during these processes, with care taken not to damage the instances.

The rest of the piece is similarly scattered with simple issues, like wording that doesn't sound like the terminology used by a professional researcher and missing punctuation ("By stretching and contracting its "skin", SCP-XXXX can manipulate its overall body shape allowing it to maneuver itself across the air granted that there is substantial wind present in the area." is a run-on sentence). You also need to better-organize your information flow, since currently the piece seems to jump around rather than moving smoothly from one primary topic to the next.

Overall, it's a cute article but not much is done with it. It's pretty reminiscent of the airplane that is actually a bird of prey and the trains that are actually whales. I feel like there's a lot more you could be doing here with regards to the history of rokkaku kites, beyond just describing the way it's like an air-fish.

I will say, I'm interested in helping revise this as a co-author if you're interested. If you'd prefer to write this yourself, I can provide some general resources for improving clinical tone instead.

Last edited on 30 Dec 2018 04:26 by Zyn Show more

Re: " Mulvis hexagonum", working title

AlleraRey 30 Dec 2018 05:52

Thank you for your feedback Zyn.

First off, is there a reason you're using the old image block coding?

Yes. It's the only one I know.

The rest of the piece is similarly scattered with simple issues, like wording that doesn't sound like the terminology used by a professional researcher and missing punctuation

Yeah my knowledge in both vocabulary and grammars are limited, and to be honest(at my current age this is a bit embarrassing) I don't even know how to use these things : ;

open

You also need to better-organize your information flow, since currently the piece seems to jump around rather than moving smoothly from one primary topic to the next.

I was originally planning to write it in this way,

Descriptio:
Anatomy
Behavior
Diet
Courtship
an etc..

Could this had been better?

I will say, I'm interested in helping revise this as a co-author if you're interested. If you'd prefer to write this yourself, I can provide some general resources for improving clinical tone instead.

To be honest, I would've preferred to write it myself but seeing that I am still not skilled enough I think it would be best to see how my article would've have been written by a professional.
Also,

I can provide some general resources for improving clinical tone instead.

I think I have already read those in some other thread.
The fact that I have read those and still have problems in writing an article, it really is best to see how you would've have written it instead.

In short,

I'm interested in helping revise this as a co-author if you're interested.

Yes, I'm definitely interested.
Thank you.

Edit: All images are mine.

Last edited on 30 Dec 2018 05:54 by AlleraRey Show more

Re: " Mulvis hexagonum", working title

Zyn 30 Dec 2018 06:25

Yes, I'm definitely interested.
Thank you.

Okay, I'll make some edits to your sandbox to set it up for a co-authored article. Fortunately, I feel like most of the article won't need more than surface fixes (admittedly, a lot of them…) so those shouldn't take too long. We can continue the conversation in the sandbox.