On the Radar / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page On the Radar.

Author Post

DarkStuff 28 Dec 2018 19:44

Alright, boys! This was my piece for the 2018 Holiday Art Exchange, which I ran this year! I made this gift for Jacob Conwell, who wanted something set within the Twisted Pines canon. I figured, hey, even though Wilson's Wildlife Solutions has a blurb on the Twisted Pines hub, and they have ties to Site-64, there was nothing in the Twisted Pines canon that also had them in it yet. So, here it is!

Not only is it a Twisted Pines / Wilson's Wildlife article, it is a 10,000 word article explaining why the relationship between the Foundation and Wilson's Wildlife Solutions is the way it is. Ever wondered, "why does the Foundation keep around smaller, weaker version of themselves?" Well this is why. This is why, and so much more. I hope y'all enjoy!!

Also, in the hype of the art exchange, I may have gotten less crit than I should have. If you catch weird flowing sentences and/or grammar and spelling errors, feel free to either fix them (if they are simple fixes) or tell me here in the discussion. I will be reading over it myself and looking for such spots, but not immediately.

Whoo! Hope y'all enjoy!! Long live Wilson's, long live the art exchange!!!

Last edited on 28 Dec 2018 19:54 by DarkStuff Show more

Uncle Nicolini 28 Dec 2018 19:46

vibrates with joy

Genshed 28 Dec 2018 21:02

This is a well-depicted, realistic account of the WWS/Foundation backstory that adds to canon* without disrupting anything already shown. Most satisfying.

*There is no canon. We make do with a vicar.

Jacob Conwell 28 Dec 2018 23:08

You definitely nailed the pragmatism I try to depict in how Site-64 is run under Director Holman. It's also a nice to have how the Boring Agreement came to be set in a little more stone than had been in the past.

+1 DS. Well done.

Shaggydredlocks 29 Dec 2018 00:49

When you told me you were working on something that would better justify the Foundations relationship with WWS I was a bit skeptical, but their early interactions here (plus my personal revelation that Boring is canonically a nexus, which if that was stated elsewhere I never noticed) do a pretty good job of showcasing how it can make sense.

Last edited on 29 Dec 2018 00:49 by Shaggydredlocks Show more

DarkStuff 29 Dec 2018 02:37

Hells. Yes.

Uncle Nicolini 29 Dec 2018 02:49

You have no idea how much this pleases me.

Petrograd 30 Dec 2018 07:18

I deeply appreciate what you're trying to do here (Nexus justification <3), and I think the broad strokes of the story are solid.

Unfortunately, the writing is clumsy. You've got repetitive dialogue and prose, strange changes in focus or tense from one paragraph to the next that make it hard to follow, out-of-place direct addresses to the reader, and sentences that just tell us how to feel about characters or how they feel about each other instead of showing it.

-1

Last edited on 30 Dec 2018 07:19 by Petrograd Show more

DarkStuff 30 Dec 2018 07:48

Let this comment mark that I have read this and (softly, on no schedule) plan to address this. These specifically:

• "strange changes in […] tense"
• "out-of-place direct addresses to the reader"
• "sentences that just tell us how to feel about characters"

Yeah these could use redoing.

(Oh, and if you wanted to PM me with more direct critique, like where you're seeing repetitive dialogue, that would be much obliged)

EDIT: First batch of edits have been made, referring to your Google Doc. I think there were one or two things I didn't change that you pointed out, but there were also one or two things I did change that you didn't.

Last edited on 01 Jan 2019 00:41 by DarkStuff Show more