SCP - Morpheus

Summary:

My first SCP, a parasitical and incorporeal entity that infects anyone directly viewing it. Feedback is appreciated.

SCP - Morpheus

(account deleted) 24 Nov 2018 06:14

Here's the draft for my first SCP, an entity which infects subjects who view it directly and slowly deprives them of sleep. Feedback is appreciated, especially on wording and/or formatting.

Additionally, I did some research and found a few SCPs similar to this one. If you think the following SCPs or others are too similar to mine, please feel free to mention it so I can find ways to improve the draft.

• SCP-80 - Both SCPs are incorporeal, related to sleep, and take various forms, as well as have a singular defining feature having to do with their eyes.
• SCP-966 - Both SCPs use sleep deprivation to weaken their prey.

Thank you for your help! I look forward to your critiques and feedback.

Last edited on 24 Nov 2018 16:26 by (account deleted) Show more

Re: SCP - Morpheus

Leveritas 26 Nov 2018 15:34

Let's have a look, author.

+ Line-by-line

Note: I correct the given mistake only once. If you do not use the metric system, I will only make a single comment about it, even if it appears again in the rest of the article. If the draft has many language problems, I will only correct the most glaring ones. Unnecessary information will show as the copied text with the redundant information stricken through.

SCP-4510 is to be contained within a 7m x 7m locked cell within Site-23.

Measurements shouldn't be included unless they are essential to containment. E.g., it's okay to say 'standard' and you don't need to include the measurements at all, as that can actually cause more trouble and questions more often than not.

Security personnel guarding SCP-4510 are to be monitored for changes in sleeping habits and insomnia.

Why do we need security personnel anyway? Saying that something should be monitored at all times means that you have some poor bastard keep their eyes on an object 24 hours a day, maybe in shifts with other people if they're lucky. Think about how many man-hours that would take. If the Foundation does its job properly, it shouldn't be able to break out of the containment chamber, and the constant monitoring wouldn't be necessary.

Subject will not display any psychological tendencies during Stage One.

What does this mean, exactly?

+ Concept

This is reasonably well written. The tone is generally clinical, it's paced well and the length is appropriate.

That being said, this is a well written ''monster that kills you/drives you insane'', including other cliches that come with that.

Firstly, this object sounds like a compulsion object. The problem with compulsion object is it has been done to death by this point. It doesn't mean it can be never done again, but it's generally considered much more scary the things people choose to do, not the things they're forced to do.

Why does this thing exist? Why does it have these properties? What makes it different story-wise from any other monster already on the mainlist? The thing about SCP writing in 2018 is, the format has evolved beyond descriptions of "a thing that does a thing." It's much easier to make a successful article if you think of it as a short story involving the object rather than an encyclopedia entry that just lists what it does.

The bottom line here is that just describing an object and have it kill people is not nearly enough to create a successful article on the site. Articles need something more, a reason for the reader to care.

One of the main difference between a monster and a protagonist is that we are interested in the hero's story: their history, background, raison d'etre, their decisions. If you want a very good example of a monster that kills you that also has a very good backstory, check out SCP-3165. This is what we mean with backstory and intrigue.

Feedback over, good luck!

Re: SCP - Morpheus

(account deleted) 27 Nov 2018 04:43

Thank you for in-depth feedback! I am currently in the process of rewriting the draft and your critiques have been very valuable.

+ Clarifications

First, the containment protocols. The reason for the 7m x 7m locked cell is due to the compulsion effect the object creates.

Subjects within 3-5 meters of SCP-4510 experience an intense compulsion to directly view it, persisting up to 3 days. During this time, subjects may experience mild sleep disorders such as insomnia and sleepwalking, both of which increase in severity the closer the subject is to SCP-4510.

Due to the range of the compulsion effect, the cell would need to be in a different size than the 'standard', which I believe is 5m x 5m.

If an object has a kill radius of five meters, then it makes sense to have it stored in the center of a chamber at least ten meters to a side.

The quote above was from Dr. Mackenzie's Containment Protocols.

In my rewrite, however, the compulsion effect will be removed. A major theme in nearly all the critiques I have received regarding this draft is the outdated cliche of compulsion, therefore, it will be first thing I revise in the draft, the next being the then extraneous specifications for the containment cell.

Your point with the security personnel is definitely valid- the Foundation would probably devote security to more dangerous entities if the cell specifications are sufficient to prevent an escape. In fact, because SCP-4510 is not mentioned as having any weaknesses to physical weapons, security personnel are somewhat redundant in guarding it and probably serve as a downside, seeing as they could become vectors for the entity.

Subject will not display any psychological tendencies during Stage One.

Regarding your question on the quote above, the psychological tendencies are supposed to refer to the following effects in Stage Two.

Subject will show symptoms of insomnia and significant changes in sleeping habits, as well as increasing fear.

These effects, upon review, are in fact not psychological symptoms, so your point still stands.

+ Review

The ideas you provided in your concepts section were particularly useful. I had not considered including a backstory and explanation for the SCP, and this is something I might attempt in the future. I have also heard from other critics that backstory isn't always needed, but almost everyone agrees that there needs to be something to separate the SCP and make it unique, while still being relatable to the reader.

Again, thank you for your detailed feedback and critiques- they have been very insightful.

Last edited on 27 Nov 2018 04:50 by (account deleted) Show more