Okay, here we go. Will comment on the first 10 things I believe need fixing, then I'll move on to more a more general response:
- SCP-XXXX is to be contained within a standard secure storage room. > typically the term used is "containment chamber", since "storage room" would imply something more mundane.
- Access to SCP-XXXX is restricted to clearance-level 3 > "requires Level-3 clearance"
- It is to be kept within Site-██ > Why is this its own sentence? Also, if this seems to imply that only one site is suitable for containment of this anomaly, it would be important to not censor that information.
- Does the vehicle not require any upkeep or maintenance? Are there no general handling guidelines for experimentation?
- SCP-XXXX is a golf cart. > make/model? How many people does it seat? Give us a bit more detail. There are a lot of different kinds of golf carts out there.
- The approximate measurements are around > repetitive, "approximate" and "around"
- 1.2 meters wide, 2.4 meters long, and 1.8 meters tall > these effectively don't mean much if it's just normal golf cart dimensions. Probably just note the length if you really want to have a number in there, but people typically have a good visual of how big a golf cart usually is.
- SCP-XXXX is identical to non-anomalous golf carts > give a particular model, since again, not all golf carts are the same.
- once a coin or coins equal to a US quarter > how would the Foundation figure this out? Does it accept foreign currency?
- In its powered state, SCP-XXXX > you need a transition. You go from mentioning the activation criteria and then talking about a powered state without stating that the coins cause it to power up.
- SCP-XXXX will instruct the user to "climb aboard, > what if the user is already sitting in the cart? Wouldn't it be pretty hard to put in the coins if they're standing up or outside the cart?
- SCP-XXXX will begin to give a tour of the building its in > it's / it is. But what if it's outside? Don't golf carts usually get driven around outside?
Overall, I started losing interest about halfway into the description, sorry. We've got a lot of talking inanimate objects/animals/AI/etc. This didn't quite get my attention in a way that made me feel like it wouldn't be predictable. The interview didn't quite save it since the core premise is still pretty vague and I don't particularly buy the overly convenient discovery story of the thing just happening to be a Foundation staff members' unrelated leisure purchase. There's also a bunch of generally bland text like "After SCP-XXXX finished its touring cycle, it was decided that more tests should be done on SCP-XXXX." that feels kind of generally typical and not super engaging.
I feel like you'll need to give the golf cart more character than just "tour guide", and incorporate some more unpredictable details into the "tour" itself besides "it's a tour".
Did you ever hash out the concept in the Ideas and Brainstorming forum? I highly recommend doing so before approaching the draft again. The drafting process tends to go a lot smoother if you start with a solid idea that reviewers have confirmed is interesting, rather than just sort of guessing.
(account deleted) 02 Oct 2018 00:54
