Alcoholic Car

Summary:

A car driven by the ghost of an abusive alcoholic.

Alcoholic Car

DaveyTheDuck 14 Sep 2018 18:26

So here's how it works:
There is a house on a street, it has an old car inside the garage (haven't decided the model yet). Once every year on a Friday night, the car door opens, then closes,the engine starts, and then drives out of the garage and starts heading towards the nearest bar. When it gets there the car parks, the door opens again, closes again and sits still for about 3-4 hours, opens, closes, and then drives back but in a slightly wobbly manner. The car will make a swift turn into the forest, crash, open, 5 min wait, close, and get back on the road and continue. The car will get back into the driveway, open, close.

If nobody is inside the house when the car arrives then intense crying will be heard. If any 30-51 year-old woman is inside the house at that time they will be molested, then violently beaten and injured. Then 2 mins later the door to the 2nd floor small bedroom will be opened, closed, 3 min wait, opened, and then 2 gunshots will be heard. If a 27-40 year-old man is inside the house when the car arrives he will immediately be beaten to death and then shot 3 times.

If anyone is inside the car when it's driving, they will be killed in the crash no matter what they do or wear. If the car is damaged it will be repaired over the time of 3 months. If something is blocking the path, then the car will manage to faze thourgh whatever was blocking it. If anyone is inside the car when this happens, they will be smashed into whatever was blocking it and die (or severely injured depending on what it was), leaving the corpse (or knocked out body) behind as the car continues to drive.

I want to know if this could work or not. And if you want, suggest anything you think should be added or dropped to improve the concept. Should I keep it at once a year or put it at an every Friday sort of thing?

Re: Alcoholic Car

Shanor 14 Sep 2018 21:21

+ Show Critique

Lets start with any major issues with the SCP as a item: How does the foundation know the woman has to be 30-51 and the man has to be 27-40 for the effects to activate? Did they send in D-Class subjects to be molested and beaten or killed? The foundation is cold, not cruel. I personally find no use for knowing the age range of who will be killed in the house. It seems like a waste of resources, namely test subjects, for such a useless reason. The way I see the foundation, they would learn that woman would be molested and beaten and men would be killed. After this they would lock up the building and make sure there are no more anomalous nearby. Next, it is usually a bad idea to add a "this item will always follow a schedule and will never EVER change" rule. It seems like a copout to many people. The foundation would definitely spend a large amount of resources to keep the car from going into the street. Are you saying there is no possible way to make sure the car cannot deviate from it's schedule at all? I would find it more interesting if the effect could be stopped but the car would be harder to catch each time it was stopped and the effect reset after the effect happened once. Then you could have a smart reason for making the effect happen once a year. The effect happens every week, but the foundation leaves one day a year for letting the effect play out so that the foundation can plan on it happening.

Next some minor issues: Why are there such exact times that you talk about in some instances and much bigger rough estimates for other parts? Is there a specific reason the effect lasts for exactly 2 minutes for the door to stay closed and then take 3-4 hours for the bar? I believe you should stick to absolute exact times or estimates, not both.

To answer your bolded questions: I think this SCP is a bit of a stretch the way you have put it. You need to flesh out your idea more and come up with a story to go with your idea. Just item's usually need to be expertly written to be interesting without a story to go with it. I would also redact or expunge the molestation and beating parts. Leaving it to the imagination can sometimes be more effective than spelling out the answer to your audience. Also, some people don't like anything related to molestation or rape in these stories and will downvote it just because it contains it.

I am new to critiquing articles like this; so listen to more experienced writers if they say I am incorrect in some way. Thank you for your time.

Re: Alcoholic Car

JjEd 15 Sep 2018 01:44

I’m not a good critter, but in my opinion, ghost horror became cliche a while ago, even if it is a car.

---

Hi there

Re: Alcoholic Car

Shanor 15 Sep 2018 02:34

Why is it a cliché? Why should the writer care? There is absolutely no use in saying something so broad. All horror can be good if the story is focused on. If you are not good at critique, why would you comment in the first place? I don't want to be rude, but you seem to be making large generalizations that do nothing but limit creativity just because you personally are not a fan of it. At least give people a reason why what they want to try is not going to work. Otherwise you just sound like an elitist.

Admin Post - Info - Open

Zyn 15 Sep 2018 05:24

Shanor, if you're going to address problematic feedback, please focus on addressing the review rather than the reviewer. If someone's feedback comes off as elitist and it makes you frustrated, feel free to contact a member of the staff Forum Criticism Team and we will address it.

That said, JjEd, Shanor is correct here. The feedback given isn't particularly useful to the author. Even if someone is a self-acknowledged "bad critter", they should still try to make it clear how their response can help an author.

Just stating something is cliche doesn't give the writer a clear idea of how to improve their work. If you feel that there are too many existing works similar to this, try listing a few so the author knows what they'll need to distinguish their draft from. Alternatively, can you think of an unusual or quirky twist on the expectations that the author can use? Or an example of this sort of concept done really well that they should aspire to in quality?

And it's important to note that something being commonly used doesn't mean it can never be used again. Cliche on this site typically means "we've got a lot of these already; yours better be unique" rather than "never write one of these again".