Your draft has a lot of spelling, tonal, and grammatical errors. This one really stands out to me:
It's gills appear normal, but upon closer examination the subject's gills appear to be incapable of extracting oxygen from water.
There’s a contradiction, to start - “they appear normal but appear abnormal.” You have to choose one and stick to it. Also, ‘normal’ is an extremely unclinical term and should probably be replaced with “non-anomalous.” The sentence itself is a little strange, but could be rewritten as:
SCP-X’s gills appear non-anomalous, but testing has proven them incapable of extracting oxygen from water.
I’d recommend you use a program like Word or Grammarly to fix up the rest of the SPaG errors because there are too many for me to pull.
Another extreme tonal/character break for the Foundation is this ‘void’ thing - giving an anomalous substance a nickname seems highly unprofessional IMO, and not something that an organization that makes everything anomalous a number would do. It leaves an odd taste in my mouth and I suggest not having them nickname it.
On to the concept: it doesn’t seem terrible, but it does feel sort of half-baked. I’m going to suggest that you visit the Ideas and Brainstorming forums to get it hammered out and find a solid direction to take it.
Good luck.
DaveyTheDuck, 07 Sep 2018 18:28
