Hmmm… it's not bad, you have the tone down pretty good, and I like the idea… but there doesn't really seem to be anything interesting. Even something like an incident log or an interesting addendum would spice this up a little more. No vote for now.
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The idea is fantastic, but there's no hook. You don't really go anywhere with it, the descriptions are kind of lackluster, and it comes off as disappointing overall, because this is a fantastic idea you could have done a whole lot with.
Just wondering, what do you think would be good as a hook?
Echoing what the others said. The writing is workmanlike, which works for this sort of article, and the idea isn't half bad either, but it just doesn't seem to go anywhere. I think some additions could really make this article shine: perhaps an interview with a survivor, some interesting bit of back story (was the management of the park aware of this? Did it let it eat people for some reason?), even an experiment log on how it digest different things.
You can make this work, I think, if you find the right hook for it.
What do you have in mind to make it *pop* a bit more?
This feels too much like a D & D monster. As others have said, it needs something. Maybe if the bone fragments made some type of message, or a newborn made of the genetic material fed into the SCP came out, or anything that makes this different than "disguised monster that eats you".
Only thing is, if I do that it'll become another "SCP that makes things". I do understand what you are saying though.
Becoming an "SCP that makes things" isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as it's well written and what it makes doesn't seem shoehorned in or over-the-top, although we do have more than a few SCPs that eat people and create weird things…
I wrote an "SCP that makes things" and got as far as Raven Mackenzie telling me it was a stupid idea and that we already had those. Don't do an SCP that makes things if you value the Senior Staff having a good impression of you.
(account deleted)Upvoted because I like it. The idea is good, although the tone is a bit dodgy at times ("effectively digesting the subject" "fleshy aperture" "violently ejected").
If you wanted to add a little something to this, why not imply that there are more out there? Either it's a) one giant starfish-like tube monster that's been dismembered (capable of having a new creature grow back from just an "arm" or whatever) and has for, whatever reason, been put into various waterslides or b) it's a parasite that latches onto existing waterslides, eventually growing around the interior of the slide (in this case, the entire slide isn't digesting, just the infected bit downward).
Thank you! I will change the tone at the "dodgy" bits.
I added a little part about the initial discovery, and how it "got hungry" so to speak.
Doesn't really do much for me, but it isn't terrible. No vote from me.
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page revision: 3, last edited: 22 Sep 2018 03:57
