In The Clutches Of Life / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page In The Clutches Of Life.

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It's Not Like It's Gonna Kill You

Captain Kirby 18 May 2018 04:00

But its definitely the end of the world.

First article from team "I don't wanna die".

Thanks to my teammates, as well as Jazstar and DarkStuff for reviewing this!

The gif at the top can be found here: https://commons.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Blender3D_LinearWaveAnim.gif

Live long and… well let's just leave it at that.

If you want to read more stuff by me, you can find it here!

Last edited on 03 Sep 2018 15:05 by Captain Kirby Show more

Gross.

KentAnderson 18 May 2018 04:31

Did you draw inspiration from Torchwood? It's really well done and the shock factor is played subtly but well.

Re: Gross.

Captain Kirby 18 May 2018 17:02

Why thank you for the compliment!

Did you draw inspiration from Torchwood?

No we did not actually. I did not know this even was a thing until after I showed my tale to people for feedback! (Although maybe someone else in our group knew about it)

Jazstar 18 May 2018 04:44

I loved this in chat, and I love this here. The juxtaposition of the two storylines is masterfully handled, resulting in the perfect mix of poignancy and horror by the end of the tale. I'm looking forward to seeing how the rest of this doomsday plays out! (Words I thought I'd never type in my life).

Last edited on 18 May 2018 04:53 by Jazstar Show more

LordBlaze 18 May 2018 12:48

I love this

---

The Holy Warrior walked. It had been a long time since he'd walked this far, but he was used to walking nonetheless.

TL333s 18 May 2018 13:15

I honestly couldn't follow this. The parts that weren't Joyce looking after her father, I couldn't figure out what the relationship was or who was who, or what was going on. I even had difficulty following Joyce's scenes. So it's probably just me. Fixed a typo for ya, though.

Captain Kirby 19 May 2018 03:47

Oh, thanks for the typo catch! Sorry you couldn't quite follow along. Sorry to hear you couldn't quite follow. I kinda knew the risk with jumping between the two narratives that maybe people would lose track of who was what. Hopefully the rest of our entries will be easier to follow!

NatVoltaic 18 May 2018 13:44

The descriptions of the MTF agent after being hit with the weapon are fucked up in a great way. I’m looking forward to seeing where you take this concept next.

+1

not_a_seagull 19 May 2018 00:46

This didn't really grab me, in any way. I found myself skimming about halfway through. Maybe I'm just tired, but this really didn't have an impact for me.

-1

Homeless Heterotroph 20 May 2018 22:39

I'm onboard with Seagull here, i found the article choppy to say the least. I wasn't particularly intrigued by the dialog either. The Scenario that the article starts out with is killer in concept, but sadly, very very poorly preformed. Normally i'd be moved by such an introduction, but i just wasn't and therefor didn't have it in me to hold the remainder of the article to a impartial regard. Some specifics of why i disliked it.

• There is nothing more laborious then reading a setting in layman's terms, unless it's intriguingly put into layman's terms. I'm bored to death by reading though the first paragraph of this because i can't visualize any of it. Perhaps if this article started with "I'm your daughter" "Wha-, I have no daughter! I have sons! Two sons!" you could have gotten me interested. But it doesn't it starts with witty or interesting dialogue, it starts with a setting thats boring to read.

• On the subject of the dialogue itself, it seems to be drawn-out and simplified. While that would be fine if it where, say, a dialogue that established characters thought as feelings, its not that, it is a continues dialogue without any kind of hook.

• Come one, you can come up with better descriptive text then: "The heartbeat monitor".

Last edited on 20 May 2018 22:41 by Homeless Heterotroph Show more

Captain Kirby 21 May 2018 02:25

There is nothing more laborious then reading a setting in layman's terms, unless it's intriguingly put into layman's terms.

I'm confused what you mean by this. Are you saying it is boring to read a direct description of a setting? I don't really know how I could've spiced it up without being circuitous, and its only 4 sentences, so its not like that paragraph is very long. Sure, it's not poetry, but I don't understand what makes the opening so boring for you.

Come one, you can come up with better descriptive text then: "The heartbeat monitor".

While I generally appreciate critique, I do not appreciate when the critique becomes "you're better than this". Mostly because it implies that you don't think I tried in the first place. In this particular circumstance, I'm curious what you think would have been better than "The heartbeat monitor", especially given that is the correct term for what I'm describing.

ribby97 22 May 2018 01:19

The ending clinched it for me. This is going to be one of the most horrible Scenarios, I just know it

Decibelles 16 Jun 2018 04:44

The juxstaposition between the two storylines works really well in setting the tone for your scenario and the series moving forward.

+100!

Captain Kirby 21 Jun 2018 23:57

Woo hoo! This is the first tale I've had that's reached 100! Thanks to everyone for reading :D

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