Second Draft Feedback Needed!

Summary:

Grammar and Overall Feedback pls

Second Draft Feedback Needed!

Tracque_ 02 Apr 2018 16:29

After reworking my idea I came up with another draft and would like feedback.
Please be completely honest as that's the only way I can make this into a great Scp.

http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/tracque

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Reality is merely what we perceive it to be.

Re: Second Draft Feedback Needed!

Veiedhimaedhr 03 Apr 2018 18:47

The PM ritual has been completed and I have been summoned.

Since I did the extensive line-by-line during an earlier iteration of this, this feedback is going to be primarily focused on only big line-level issues, the section as a whole and the concept.

+ Procedures

The procedures still care too much about preventing the loss of civilian life. While it would be incorrect to state that the Foundation is entirely indifferent to the loss of human life, it would be equally incorrect to state that the special containment procedures are designed for any purpose other than than the securing and containing of the SCP. The phrase,

To avoid loss of the lives of civilians

Feels really out of place, as does any reference to it.

SCP-XXXX is to be routinely surveyed by MTF-Gamma-5 “Depth Striders”. These expeditions should be carried out at least once per month, but are not considered a priority. If MTF-Gamma-5 is otherwise occupied for over a month, another Mobile Task force with experience with reality warping SCPs should take over these operations.

I don't remember this bit in the last draft so I assume it's new. This doesn't really seem to affect containment at all. Surveying the cave certainly can provide information, but it doesn't belong in the section dedicated to containment.

Overall, I recommend trimming the special containment procedures down so that they only focus on locking down the area.

+ Description

The area came into the attention of the Foundation as news articles and blogs described a “one of a kind” and “unique” cave system.

This is a line I remember. If this cave effectively warps reality and minds, then how are people describing it in news and blog articles? The Foundation would probably try to track these individuals down. Personally, I'd just stick to missing civilians to avoid the implications associated with blog posts.

SCP-XXXX is a cave system that occupies a space of approximately 3km, but is much larger within this space.

I noticed a few sentences like this which can be tightened up tone-wise. For example, "SCP-XXXX is a cave system that appears under seismic analysis to span only 3 kilometers from its entrance, but appears to become significantly larger when observed from inside." I recommend going through your article out loud to catch these, but other pairs of eyes will be able to catch many of them as well.

If a subject attempts to venture past this area, the subject will express amazement at the complex structures of SCP-XXXX and speak of a desire to explore the entire cave, even if the subject has previously explored past this area

This part never really sat well with me. It sounds just far away from a compulsive SCP to avoid the tag, but not enough for me to believe that people are entering into this cave on their own free will, which is far more interesting. Since this 'amazement' doesn't really appear anywhere else, I'd recommend just getting rid of this.

The description is certainly improved, as the concept being introduced is concise and has the potential to be interesting. However, it is weighed down by the disorganization that occurs as you try to work in a problematic discovery, a quasi-compulsive effect that doesn't re-appear, and your Mobile Task Force. I believe that if you tighten up the sentences and directly describe the cave's effects, while also getting rid of anything unrelated that can be removed or fit into addenda, then you'll find yourself having a much nicer description. You'll also have plenty of room to add in the details you want afterwards.

+ Experiment Logs

I wasn't really a fan of the experiment logs. I noticed that the memetic and reality altering effects of the cave weren't really explained in detail in the description. When I came to this section, I felt as though you had done this on purpose so you could provide the memetic and reality altering effects through these logs. The problem is, in-universe, the Foundation would immediately condense information from tests into a few, specific sentences in the description. Secondly, these weren't exactly easy to follow along and came off as more convoluted than engaging. And there's a lot of them.

I would personally recommend that you adopt the habits of the Foundation and interpret what transpires in these logs into clear statements you can make in the description. Afterwards, you have plenty of page space to replace these logs with one, single, highly detailed and engaging exploration log. I'm not an expert at exploration logs, but there are plenty of experienced writers here who can make absolutely terrifying logs. They'd be happy to help you out with this and I recommend reaching out to them via PM or the IRC chat.

+ Addenda

The addenda are the weakest part of this draft. While the test logs had a purpose, although misplaced, in displaying the effects of your SCP, these addenda didn't contribute really anything. The mention of using this place as a containment site for other SCPs doesn't really make any sense and I don't see how noting that parts of the cave change give it credibility as an apocalypse shelter. This part confused me, and rapidly made me lose interest in the material I had just read. I recommend cutting these out completely, revising the article as best you can, and then seeing what addenda you can add that will both enrich the information you've already provided, and leave the readers wondering for more within the confines of your SCP.

+ Conclusion

The concept has definitely improved. A cave that you can't escape from has potential. However, this still has quite a ways to go. There are many questions that go unanswered (blog post sources, how does the MTF consistently navigate its way back out of the cave, etc) and convoluted test logs that do the job the description should have done. However, these are mostly point revisions that can be done on a sentence-by-sentence, chunk-by-chunk basis. If we consider all the revisions you've done as two steps forward, then the addenda you've added are two steps back. I don't feel as though they contribute anything, and they immediately began to make me feel as though the "too much" problem from the last draft was resurfacing.

From this point, I recommend further revisions. I also recommend getting other eyes on this. I may miss things another reviewer will not, and a reviewer good at writing scary exploration logs will have more to say to you on that subject than I will. I recommend repeating the revise-review process several times from here on out until you begin to get consistently approving feedback. Good luck!

Last edited on 03 Apr 2018 19:33 by Veiedhimaedhr Show more

Re: Second Draft Feedback Needed!

Tracque_ 03 Apr 2018 19:37

Thanks again for the feedback, I''l be sure to make some changes.

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Reality is merely what we perceive it to be.

Re: Second Draft Feedback Needed!

Tracque_ 07 Apr 2018 15:10

Made further revisions, any criticism would be appreciated!

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Reality is merely what we perceive it to be.

Re: Second Draft Feedback Needed!

Tracque_ 11 Apr 2018 13:07

Bumping this up to try and get criticism on this revision

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Reality is merely what we perceive it to be.

Re: Second Draft Feedback Needed!

Sly161 11 Apr 2018 13:25

Tracque_ , as stated in the rules for this forum, do not bump drafts unless you are announcing significant changes. If you are having trouble getting criticism you can PM a member of the crit team and ask for critique or hop into chat and ask there.

Re: Second Draft Feedback Needed!

Tracque_ 12 Apr 2018 12:54

I did, that's why it says:

on this revision

I added a log removed addenda, changed the description etc.
I know that rule, but I did make changes.
But I appreciate the advice. I might try PMing one of them.

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Reality is merely what we perceive it to be.

Re: Second Draft Feedback Needed!

Zyn 12 Apr 2018 17:17

I added a log removed addenda, changed the description etc.

This needs to be clear in the update post.

Re: Second Draft Feedback Needed!

Tracque_ 13 Apr 2018 14:25

Okay, that makes sense. Sorry about the misunderstanding.

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Reality is merely what we perceive it to be.