Reggie's Home for the Oddly Gifted

Summary:

Oh, Dr. Reginald...

Reggie's Home for the Oddly Gifted

BluePinpoint 19 Mar 2018 01:38

Boogey_Man23 and I have been co-authoring this tale based on an idea I had a good while back but never acted on. Dr. Reginald has the great idea of establishing a small-scale, low-budget, relatively low-danger containment outpost for anomalies that are children. It all seems good on paper…

This story is definitely still a work in progress, so we would be appreciative if you could give us feedback on what we have.

http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/collab:boogeyman23-bluepinpoint
(Under 'The Draft')

Re: Reggie's Home for the Oddly Gifted

Zyn 22 Mar 2018 04:16

Okay, forums are backed up, this is a quick read. Here are my thoughts:

Writing: A little clunky here and there and I don't quite follow the logic.

• The first sentence uses a semicolon incorrectly. The second part of the sentence isn't a full thought.
• For something as big as an entirely new containment site, small outpost or not, I feel like the approval (not really "acceptance") of the project would be announced through a face-to-face meeting, not just an email. It doesn't seem realistic otherwise, since this is a relatively major undertaking involving underage anomalous humans.
• "Reginald swiveled in his chair slightly, rain pattering on the window outside." > abrupt change of scene is a little jarring, especially since this reads like the rain is part of Reginald, with the way the sentence structure is set up.
• "As it was you who conceived the program, you are responsible for having underrepresented the costs associated with maintaining it." > this doesn't make sense. Surely the Foundation would have had someone audit the program before even considering implementing it? Leaving someone in the lurch like this negatively affects everyone. Also, why on earth did they dump responsibility onto just one person for something that involves the care of other people?
• "He shook the thought off and checked the time, 10:27" > in military time, that's morning. I was a little confused at first.
• I'm not a huge fan of all the little inserts regarding the kids and their abilities. It feels almost like the characters are being laundry-listed as video game NPCs or something, and it kind of takes away from the main piece.

Concept: I'm not entirely sure I buy this.

• First off, why does it seem like this Reginald person (do we ever get a title or a doctor note or something telling us more about who he is? The Site Director even refers to the guy by his first name) is entirely alone in his containment site? Why would the Foundation have let him watch all these kids, let alone even one?
• I have a hard time believing that the guy's proposal would get accepted to begin with if he's operating an entire site by himself, apparently being responsible for facilities, utilities, food, and so on all by himself. I'm also not really understanding how he's qualified to take care of children given that he apparently drinks for leisure and is prone to anxiety and aggressive behaviors.
• Why are some of the kids noted as just "Caucasian" and there's one dude with "strong Russian descent"? The way the kids themselves are presented kind of comes off as forgettable too. Why are there so many kids?

I admit I didn't finish the read. I was skeptical throughout most of the beginning, and I had a very hard time getting invested in the Reginald character, which is problematic since he seems to be the protagonist here.

Maybe get your plotline checked in the Ideas and Brainstorming forum before trying to work more with the draft. I feel like the plotholes/inconsistencies make it difficult to take the piece seriously, and that needs to be addressed first.

Last edited on 22 Mar 2018 04:43 by Zyn Show more

Re: Reggie's Home for the Oddly Gifted

Boogey_Man23 26 Mar 2018 05:30

Draft's co-author here; thank you for giving us a look and for the feedback.

An ongoing effort has been trying to logically justify the set-up for this scenario to take place, but to communicate those details economically so more focus can be put on the story itself. I'm gathering that more effort will have to be dedicated to the explaining the details around the situation.

The premise is that Reginald is in charge of a minor Outpost, subordinate to the main Site. His stated objective at the outset was to address low-priority anomalous humanoids in the area: tracking them, briefly housing them and assessing their nature, then transferring them to Site to be contained or dealt with as deemed appropriate. The idea is that he gets sentimental and reluctant to turn the kids over, so he's doing all he can to contain them on a more long-term basis. This causes him to be over capacity and stretched too thin to be a reliable/useful resource to the Site itself, and this story is meant to capture all of that strain coming to a head.

We're currently in the process of determining the best way to get this exposition across. We're considering working in more in-universe documentation, like something which better outlines his original stated objective; or a conversation with one of his superiors at Site (probably another flashback, if we can frame that in a way that fits) where they can essentially spell it out, like: "This is what you were supposed to be doing, and this is how you aren't doing it".

I suppose, whatever option we go with, it will need to be implemented early on to keep readers from pulling the cord on the whole story partway through. But ideally we would address the logistics and get them out of the way so the focus can be more on Reginald and his internal conflict. I'd also be open to tips on ways to boost the reader's investment in the character.

Thanks again for the feedback provided! Work to address the specific writing issues will be done, and a means of clearly conveying the background situation/details will be thought of.

Re: Reggie's Home for the Oddly Gifted

Zyn 26 Mar 2018 05:52

The premise is that Reginald is in charge of a minor Outpost, subordinate to the main Site.

I still don't really buy that anyone would just let this guy run an entire group of little kids, though. I mean, sure, daycares can have some pretty crazy teacher-to-student ratios, but this guy is apparently a caregiver as well and I have a really hard time believing that the Foundation wouldn't foresee this guy having trouble keeping up with so many kids. Stay-home parents can have a hard enough time with one child.

I'd also be open to tips on ways to boost the reader's investment in the character.

Maybe talk to some people who have worked in the babysitting/daycare business? See if they can provide some perspectives on the IRL difficulties of looking after so many kids.