"SCP-1464-3 is to be terminated as soon as it is possible to do so, as a high priority." Just awkwardly phrased, either leave out "as a high priority" or "as soon as it is possible to do so" it would flow better. Also, your used of black out and [ REDACTED ] & [ DATA EXPUNGED ] really break up the flow in a way I found distracting. I also think the picture is unnessecary, since it is explained in the text why one is unavailable. Also do amnesiacs cure infection or not, I can't tell from the piece.
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-1464.
Thanks for the critique! I changed the wording around and eliminated some of the unnecessary [DATA EXPUNGED] and [REDACTED] stuff. I hope the flow is much better now. :)
I removed the picture as well… It had been the suggestion of someone on the chat and you're right, it doesn't fit that well.
Amnesiacs only "cure" infection by making the subject forget the memetic contagion, so they won't actively seek to re-create the massacre. However, they're still identified by other exposed subjects as having participated and are especially vulnerable to re-exposure. I hope that helps.
It has potential, I kind of liked it. I haven't seen an SCP like this before, so cautiously upvoting to give the author some time to rewrite, maybe cut it down and streamline it a bit.
Thank you! :) I've edited for tone and streamlined a bit, hopefully it's even better now.
Interesting premise, something that compels people to commit a kind of organized mass murder. The execution makes this all very dull, with all the 'exciting' bits either missing or censored. Also [DATA REDACTED] pisses me off. I also don't know why a picture is there, I think an article like this would call for no picture, but that may just be my personal opinion.
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
Thank you for your critique. I've edited for tone and removed the picture, as well as taking out the unnecessary [DATA REDACTED] and so forth. I hope it reads better to you now - please let me know if there's anything I can do to improve it further.
Definitely some interesting ideas - the designation of the various elements is slightly confusing though; not sure why you wouldn't refer to the area as SCP-1464, people or groups of people affected as -1, and note that viewing photographs or video footage has the same effect. I will also second soullesshuman's thoughts about expungement, especially as in the Description it isn't warranted at all:
"Formerly known as [DATA REDACTED]" - you've black-boxed the country, so perhaps this should also be similarly shown as redacted rather than stated redacted?
"SCP-1464-3 will attempt to re-create [DATA EXPUNGED]" - unless I'm missing something what's been expunged is simply the words 'the massacre'.
You're definitely right about the designations. I trimmed a bunch and hopefully it's better-looking now. I also changed the "formerly known as" to black-boxing.
The [DATA EXPUNGED] there was something I missed in editing - it was meant to come out already. I fixed it now.
Thank you for your critique :) I appreciate it. Please let me know if I've missed anything in my edits that would make this better!
Kinda similar to a few other SCPs, like Fluid Canon or the one where people take a picture of the skyline in a city (I think Boston? Or Chicago? Maybe Seattle) and then feel compelled to research a mysterious tower and congregate to other affected individuals. Wish I could remember the name or number of that one.
I fixed your tags for you. Next time, please read the Tag Guide, as you misused several.
Oh, sorry :( I did read it, but I did the tags at like 3:30am and slipped up. Sorry!
Still too much black-boxing. All the numbers (victim count, percent who spread info, etc.) should be visible because there is no in-universe reason to censor them and out-of-universe it makes for less pleasant reading.
I'm not sure if this is proper use of "memetic", but that is always a matter of debate, so it is whatever it is.
"Northern ██████" shouldn't be capitalized if it is a region. It would only be capitalized if it was part of the full, proper name; ie: North Korea, South Dakota.
Semi-colon before "Frequently" should be a period.
The effect attaches to images of the lake, so why can't higher-ups know about this? As long as they don't have picutes of the site, there is no risk. Same for forensic analysis of the remains. The divers who go and get them would be infected, but once the boens are out of the area they wouldn't have any anomaly. Either tweak the description to be more inclusive of things other than the location or cut those sections.
Thank you for so much feedback. I have edited accordingly. I didn't get rid of all the black-boxing as I felt some of it made sense (and some of it I think helps with the tone), but I tried to tone it down a lot. Please let me know if I was successful. :)
And you're definitely right about the higher-ups thing. I apologize. In the original draft of this, all components of the lake retained their memetic effect once removed from it.. I will edit to reflect that.
ETA: And finished the edit. Please let me know if it looks better now. :) Thank you!
Better, but still doesn't work for me.
There are a few places that you could tighten up the prose. For example, in the first line you could cut the bit before "SCP-1464". Shorter is always better around here, but I don't think that's what's keeping me from digging this. It might be that I'm not successfully separating my first impression from the current version. Sorry I can't be more helpful at this point.
I disagree about the black-boxing. In my opinion, censoring should be kept to an absolute minimum. Every redaction and edit should be considered carefully, even to a letter by letter basis, and only used if there is a strong story-based (prefereably in-universe) reason for it to be unseen. By that standard, redacting names works, but victim count does not. This is just my take, other opinions exist, YMMV.
Just in case anyone is wondering, I'm planning on doing a rewrite of this in a few days. Please be patient with me until then. If anyone has any ideas on how to improve the concept or writing, please please let me know! Thanks. :)
Sounds great! I'll wait to vote till then, in that case.
If it helps, I really like your log. The rest of it just needs cleanup as others have already described, and this could work.
Thank you! :) I really appreciate it. I'm going to try and take the time to rewrite it tomorrow — I was going to do it yesterday but stuff came up. I hope I can make this work.
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page revision: 7, last edited: 17 Nov 2020 06:16
