The Vanishing of Vincent Anderson / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page The Vanishing of Vincent Anderson.

End of Line: Part 1

Jacob Conwell 11 Feb 2018 17:04

Howdy folks.

Time to heat 2018 up with a new 5-part Anderson Robotics tales series I am calling "End of Line." I am hoping to use this as an official conclusion to my work on the Anderson Robotics tale arc (yes, I am aware I also said that after The Blackbird and The Falcon came out), and to spring board into a potential canon for all the Site-64/AR/Three Portlands stuff.

Special thanks to DrBleep, djkaktus, and ProcyonLotor for all their feedback.

Extra special thanks to The Great Hippo for basically going through the first draft of this with the finest of fine-toothed combs.

Enjoy the tale.

And here we go…

JC

Re: End of Line: Part 1

Lord_of_Laugh 12 Feb 2018 19:23

This is certainly a pleasant surprise. Also Jessie decided to work for the foundation? That's pretty damn cool.

Re: End of Line: Part 1

Jacob Conwell 13 Feb 2018 02:19

Like mother, like daughter. She'll be further expanded upon in upcoming installments.

Glad you like the new tale.

SunnyClockwork 11 Feb 2018 18:05

An exciting invasion without Foundation being massively incompetent! More of Anderson suffering (yes)! Ohh and Jessie is really cool. Conwell you are great and I can't wait to see more :D

PSHUD #92 voice was sharp and androgynous voice.

On a sidenote I think this sentence is a bit weird. Might wanna fix it.

Last edited on 11 Feb 2018 18:06 by SunnyClockwork Show more

Jacob Conwell 11 Feb 2018 18:06

Ah, well you see, there is a simple explanation for that:

Words are hard.

In all seriousness, fixed.

(account deleted) 11 Feb 2018 18:24

Cool to see this up and posted!

+ show block

There's a few minor punctuation errors throughout the piece, too (mostly to do with dialogue; a lot of spots where you're using commas when you should have used a period). I could list them all, but it'd be easier for me to just fix them — they're pretty tiny and don't involve any word changes. Is it okay if I go ahead and just edit them in? Here's one example:

"Peregrines 92, 46, and 34," Anderson looked over his guests with vague curiosity.

The dialogue quote should end in a period, not a comma. IE:

"Peregrines 92, 46, and 34." Anderson looked over his guests with vague curiosity.

Jacob Conwell 11 Feb 2018 18:56

Yeah, go for it!

A Random Day 11 Feb 2018 18:28

WE'RE BACK BABY

Zhange 11 Feb 2018 20:55

NEW SADBORG TALE? NEW SADBORG TALE!
+1111111

Jacob Conwell 11 Feb 2018 22:56

New Sadborg Tale!

[Jazz hands]

Modern_Erasmus 12 Feb 2018 06:50

Well well, it seems Jessie went into the family business.

Jacob Conwell 12 Feb 2018 15:34

Gamma-13 without a Merlo at the helm is like a day without sunshine.

Petrograd 13 Feb 2018 05:34

Hmmm.

You've got some good world-building in here. WAN-worshipping Hand(?) cyborgs that are aware of the Forest as their afterlife is definitely cool.

I think the action is pretty tepid, though, and it takes up so much of the narrative momentum and pacing that the other bits just feel dropped in. Like, your intro of Jessie was supposed to be pretty badass, but ended up mostly feeling cheesy. (Ditto where we're supposed to buy these meaningful war-movie style sacrifices where they both end with robots flipping the bird.) It made it hard to care about anyone involved.

I get that this is an intro piece and that the meatier stuff is to come, and I'm interested in where you're going with these characters, but as a solo piece this didn't really do much for me.

Jacob Conwell 13 Feb 2018 06:16

Sorry to hear that.

Thank you for the feedback, though. It is appreciated.

The idea was indeed to start the series off with a bang, which of course resulted in a little more of the meat getting pushed to later installments. While this does have some of the consequences you have described above, the fact that you're interested in where the rest of the series is going to go is a certain sign of success.

Last edited on 13 Feb 2018 06:33 by Jacob Conwell Show more