SCP Idea: Jealous False Teeth

Summary:

They're not really "jealous", I just can't think of any other word which describes them best.

SCP Idea: Jealous False Teeth

Abengoshis 12 Feb 2012 15:52

This is my first SCP article, so I need a LOT of criticism and as much harsh review as possible. I've tried to keep it as objective as I can, but I haven't included any test logs yet. I am also yet to find an image I deem suitable for the teeth, so I hope the placeholder is fine.

Also, I know I should write in metric (and I have). When you see "imperial foot", understand that it is because the item itself 'works' in feet and it is therefore easier to say "each foot". (P.S. Please don't kill me.)

I'm not an exceptional writer … so if anyone else thinks the idea is worth polishing, I have no problem with it being remade. In fact, since most people on this site are probably better writers than me I'd actually advise someone else redoing it.

Here

Last edited on 12 Feb 2012 20:05 by Abengoshis + Show more

Re: SCP Idea: Jealous False Teeth

Lycan Therapy 14 Feb 2012 18:24

Some issues:
1. "…in the centre of a 12m by 12m room, with at least 12m of inaccessible area above and below the item" is redundant. It should be changed to something like "in the centre of a 12x12x12 area that is rendered inaccessable without proper authorisation".

2. You should round 3.280m and 9.574m to 3.3m and 9.8m.

3. "On entering a distance to the dentures which is less than the number of teeth the subject bears". This is poor measurement, as distance and value are incomparable qauntities. I'd offer an alternative, but I'm not quite sure what you mean. Maybe you could substitute "As a subject approaches the object…"

4. Long paragraphs are ungainly. I'd seperate the third (and maybe second) paragraph in the description into two different paragraphs.

5. I know that "there is no canon", but there is still convention. I'd change the "Additional" and "Addendum" subhedings into something like "Addendum 1"/"Addendum 2" or "Addendum XXX-1"/"Addendum XXX-2".

Be aware that these are just my observations. If you don't think any of these are problems, feel free to not change them. It's your article, after all.

Last edited on 14 Feb 2012 18:28 by Lycan Therapy + Show more

Re: SCP Idea: Jealous False Teeth

Abengoshis 15 Feb 2012 21:14

1) Agreed.
2) Agreed.
3) The point is, if you have 12 teeth you wouldn't be able to enter a 12 foot radius of it; if you had 6 teeth, you wouldn't be able to enter a 6 foot radius of it; if you had 30 teeth, you wouldn't be able to enter a 30 foot radius of it; and so on…
4) I thought the same.
5) Ok.

Re: SCP Idea: Jealous False Teeth

Ninjat_126 15 Feb 2012 22:11

I like it, but aside from the issues mentioned above I thought you went into a little too much detail on the backstory. The child and the recovery is important, but the rest can be trimmed down without losing too much important detail.