My first SCP ever. Please be gentle?
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
SCP-797 / Discussion
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Hmmm…
If you were worried about length before don't be, it was not too long.
I like the idea, but I'm not a big fan of the containment procedures and the way you've written it out. Why a female "nurse" and why a D-class one at that? The thing may be unpleasant but it isn't super deadly that we'd have to go through such a pantomime act and use disposable people to enter its chamber. And a new body every three days seems a bit much as well. I get the purpose of providing it with new parts to facilitate study and interactions with it but I think you need to reconsider the approach.
Would you prefer someone not disposable near a rotting body constantly producing and releasing bacteria and diseases? I see your point and shall be making appropriate edits. Perhaps once a week?
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
Yes, actually. Contagions from rotting corpses are a known factor that trained professionals handle every day in the real world. Don't need d-class for that at all.
But I do like your idea of a curious and easily frustrated entity that is trying to build itself a patchwork body out of available materials and I love the way you wrote in "30 cm of an elderly woman…" XD
Ok, so I edited out the explicit need for D-Class.
But yes, that was my idea. :3
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
Not bad for a first go. In addition to the points made by Sorts, some minor comments:
"size of a tangerine" should be replaced with an approximate diameter in centimeters
Given the potential hazards of interaction gone awry, why are level 4 personnel permitted in the room? The Foundation tends to avoid putting more valuable personnel into dangerous situations- they're much harder to replace.
Second paragraph of Description, the last two sentences are a little disjointed. It might flow better if the high velocity of the projectiles is mentioned explicitly.
Only other things I might note are naming conventions. Procedure names are all over the map but they typically either include the SCP's number (eg procedure 797-somethingoranother) or something more ominous (eg procedure 110-Montauk or however the hell it's spelled). Amnesiacs are usually given a classification of A, B, or C. No, we have no idea what any of those mean. Mind you, there is no canon, so these are largely optional; but they do help with consistency across articles.
As for level 4, I'm just assuming the level 4 themselves would have no reason to enter, but someone who would want to perform interaction would have to get permission from level 4 or higher folksies. I've gone and made edits to accompany both Sorts and your suggestions- thank you! :3
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
so frankenstein's monster trying to create itself. i like.
Fun fact: That second picture is actually a cake made for someone's birthday. I have the page it's from somewhere…
Upvoted for interesting, also, I've seen pictures of that cake before, shame it isn't my birthday.
1km/s is almost Mach 3. Personally, I think that's a bit too fast for this thing to be throwing stuff around.
Duly edited.
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
Upon failure, SCP-797 will enter a rage state and begin to dismantle SCP-797-01, [REDACTED] pieces of flesh at those whom it had attempted to interact with beforehand at a velocity recorded of at least 70 m/s.
It throws these chunks of tissue, right? Accelerates them toward people? Why's that censored?
Rarely, the subject will attempt use SCP-797-01 to talk, producing a [REDACTED] sound accompanied by a release of bacteria in the air.
For that matter, why's this bit here censored? I can't think of anything to fit into that blank which would pose either a security risk or greatly improve the article by being left ambiguous.
To be honest, the second one was because I'm not sure what SCP-979 would try to talk /with/, such as farting, or gasping, or trying to force it's rotted vocal chords to work, creating a very distorted groaning noise if anything else. If you would like to suggest something…?
As for the first one, I guess I'll put that in, as you prove a point. At that point I was simply being new and not knowing what details I should leave ambiguous.
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
I pictured it as kind of a rasping, gurgling sound. 797-01 kind of reminded me of the titular Thing on the Doorstep.
And I imagined a long, variously pitched moan, along with a rush of gas, at a length far too long to be human, hitting pitches that are inhuman, and then the tearing of flesh as those vibrations abruptly ended as the vocal chords, already weakened due to rot, simply stopped working.
So I left it up for the reader. I thought it would be more effective.
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
You could perhaps achieve the same effect without redaction by saying something like, "Rarely, the subject will (attempt, struggle) to use SCP-727-01 to (speak, talk, vocalize, communicate); its ability to do so is greatly hindered by the latter's (variably) advanced state of decay."
Hmmm, alright. I'll think up a sentence to fit in there. 'w' Thank you~
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
I'm coming into this kind of late, so the article I'm seeing is pretty well polished, with many recommendations already implemented.
The idea is original (not easy to do) AND you managed to create clear underlying motivations for its behavior (intent to interact, rage at failure to do so) which is excellent.
My issues:
1. I am a lazy Foundation researcher. Honestly, I'd rather not take the trouble of putting a class-D corpse in there. What happens if I don't? (Failure to do so results in [REDACTED] and should be avoided if at all possible)?
2. As Smascher said, there's no real reason to cut out an adjective in the "throwing flesh" and "[REDACTED] sound" sentences. Cutting the adjectives out kinda makes it look like the writer was too lazy to pick a good one. I imagine "unintelligible" fitting there, but it's not a disaster to leave as-is.
3. I would avoid referring to SCP-797 as a "subject". You could use that word for sentient SCPs if you had to, humanoid ones in particular… but I think it's generally avoided, especially with animate objects like 797.
Final result:
Definite upvote, nice first SCP.
P.S.
If you want to make your second picture sit on the left, just change your code from: [[div style="float:right; margin:0 2em 1em 2em; width:300px; border:0;"]] to [[div style="float:left; margin:0 2em 1em 2em; width:300px; border:0;"]]
^ (changing "float:right; -> "float:left; obviously)
it might give it a nice aesthetic feel like SCP-165 has.
1. Well it results in the body rotting to a pulp, a heck of a lot of bacteria around, and SCP-797 doing whatever it can to escape. I assumed the reader would put the fact I mentioned 'bacteria', 'when away from SCP-797 will use whatever it can to escape' together.
2. Duly noted, I thought I edited that out. My bad. As for the sound, I already addressed that with that I didn't know what would be most appropriate, since each person apparently perceived it differently, so even if it is obvious to you, it is obvious to me, and it is obvious to Smascher, we still imagine completely different things. Because of this, I at first wrote a list of noises it would produce, but felt that my imagination alone was not good enough and someone might say 'well why not this?', resulting a long and overly comprehensible list.
3. It's very much applied that it is sentient, as it tries to talk and communicate and is easily frustrated. The use of 'subject' was very much purposeful there. I also halfway didn't know what I was to replace it /with/, since SCP-797 all over the place just was ugly and terrible writing.
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
Overall, I like this one. Kind of cool, though I'm not sure why you redacted the word "throw" or "launch" or whatever when describing how it beams people with decaying organs. Kind of reminiscent of the bone hive in a way (though not prohibitively so). Upvoted.
The subject appears to have an understanding of human anatomy and will attempt to interact with any personnel that enter its containment, with varying degrees of success. Upon failure, SCP-797 will enter a rage state
If the Foundation doesn't know what the thing is trying to do, how do they know if it fails or not? And how can they tell if an oval object wearing a flesh puppet is enraged or not?
/forum/t-324635/scp-797#post-
page revision: 5, last edited: 18 May 2020 23:10
