I did proofreading on this when it was a draft, and am glad to see that it made it to article stage. My only complaint is my usual one: No picture. Maybe somebody can drum one up for this.
I may be the only one that feels this way, but to me it lacks a "hook". They make you like them, then use you as a mushroom farmer, and then it doesn't say anything about what happens next. Why do they want mushrooms? Do they eat them, or just continue growing them until all of their workers are dead? It feels like a story that stops halfway through.
Holding off on voting for now.
I feel that the language could be tightened up to sound more scientifc- how many followers is "enough"? When is the cavern "finished"? "Losing all free will" is vague, as is "then grow mushrooms in the cavern"- I think you must be able to elaborate on these, make them more interesting. I like the premise, though.
Definite improvement. There are still a couple of minor things that could use some tweaking: You use ounces in the containment procedure - please switch that to metric before a certain senior staff member eats your liver. Also, the line
Any attempt to interact with or stop the group will result in the group attacking.
could stand some work for tone. Instead of "will result in the group attacking, perhaps "will be met with violence"?
here's nothing wrong with "result in the group attacking".
Hahahaha, just saw the photo. Thanks for adding it. It … fits.
I found the picture fittingly creepy. Especially the guy just sitting in the front staring straight out at you. The whole article just gives me a weird vibe…
Upvoted.
This works for me because I can't figure out why mushrooms. It makes little sense to me but doesn't seem ridiculous somehow. Upvote.
I agree with the others, I like it, but I think adding in something about /why/ they grow mushrooms could make it much scarier.
Completely disagree that we need to know why they grow mushrooms. Yes, they are for food, but why not something more nutritious or healthy? How can it live on mushrooms alone? For me, unknown is more creepy than known. That's why I prefer it the way it is.